Truly rotten blogger.

In addition to not blogging for the past two weeks, I also didn't comment on anyone's blogs.

Life has been busy.
Which is a good thing.
I've been working LOTS, which I don't like, but it makes time pass.

And, we've had busy fun weekends and nights with little time to roam the internet for pointless hours.

Apple-picking. Visiting the local farm that delivers our organic dairy and meat. Hanging out with my poppop. Going out for a nice date night, including wine! Neighborhood halloween parties. Etc. Etc.

So, as for my cycle, I stopped BCP and antibiotics yesterday and went in for monitoring today. I've been lightly bleeding the whole 3 weeks, but more so in the past week. My body WANTS a period. I haven't let it had one since early September after the BFN.

I'm so scared for this cycle. We've maxed out both our credit cards…um, with their $5K limits. This cycle, which I thought would cost less, is actually going to cost slightly more. I dropped $2K on drugs yesterday and then put in $5K advance for medical treatments (we have 50% coverage under our insurance for 3 cycles). We usually have $1-2K in additional charges and if we do any sort of freezing it will be more. After our failed FET this past summer, we've taken the attitude that FETs don't work and there is no point in freezing unless there are at least 4 leftover embryos… Of course, I say that theoretically. If we have any embryos that are viable enough to freeze, my mind might change. I feel so protective of my embryos. But at $2-$3K to freeze…I'm tempted to save that $$ toward a fresh cycle.

I don't know how to abide this fear. I just keep repeating to myself:

This is just one big experiment.
They found the potential problem.
You are starting this cycle with a healthier body.

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UPDATE: I started my drugs last night. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Adoption??

Lately, I have been thinking a lot more about adoption. Part of me is tired of trying. Tired of the drugs. Tired of having our life on hold.

And, the other part of me just aches for a fuller house. Another child.

There are two families in my neighborhood that I know through our community babysitting co-op. At a BBQ last summer, one of the mothers mentioned that she was tired of the infertility roller coaster, so they decided to adopt. It's been nagging at the back of my mind ever since. So, two weeks ago, I emailed both moms and asked if we could get together for some wine and ... my ulterior motive of asking them about adoption. One pursued domestic, the other interational.

It was such a heartening conversation. Both women went through infertility and decided that they have had enough. It took a few years, but they said that now they feel whole. That these were the children that God meant for them to have.

In the evening before dinner, the one family's three little kids ride their scooters up and down my block. Three little orbs circling their mother. And, I think to myself, that could be me.

I realized the other day that I don't care if the baby is brown, or black, or white, or purple (well, maybe purple because that might indicate a breathing issue). I don't care if my baby isn't a baby.

I just want a family with multiple kids.

I know that adoption is a journey in and off itself. And, there are no guarantees that it will be a painfree process.

So, now what? My husband wants to at least do the two more cycles that we have 50% coverage for. I'd like us to reach a decision about whether we would do international or domestic, open or closed adoption, etc. I'd also like us to pick an agency. Get a homestudy. Move forward.

If anyone has websites they'd recommend or friends they'd like to refer me to, please let me know.

If a Girl Runs Alone in the Dark....

Does it count as running??

Since my marathon in the spring, I have not been training. No track workouts. No weight lifting. No exercising for a goal.

And, now, with the crispness of fall in the mornings, I find my body aching to race again. To be fast. To push the limits. To be strong and hard.

Due to my two month pause since my last IVF cycle, my running has steadily returned. Not to my prior levels, but somewhere around 30-40 miles per week (OK, I don't know that I've run more than 35 because I haven't been keeping exact tabs, but I think I might be closer to 40 this week, if I am able to run once on the weekend).

In the beginning, my legs would scream after three miles. In fact, I even began to understand why people hate running. It hurts.

And, slowly, slowly, my legs felt stronger and could carry my body for longer distances.

I felt like a stabled horse, begging to be let free.

My old running friends (whom I no longer see or speak to, because, really, what would I have to say to them?) are kicking out PRs, 2:52 marathons, and here I sit. Soft and round. Aching to be them.

I should hold myself back...but, oh I miss it. Shhhh! Don't tell anyone but last Saturday I ran 10 miles. And loved every minute of it.

Test Results: At Least We Have Some Answers

When the RE called this afternoon, I knew that my biopsy results weren't going to be good. Seems I have mild, chronic endometritis (NOTE: not endometriosis), which is an inflammation of the uterus lining due to bacterial infections spread from the vagina. It is seen in women that had a long and difficult labor (as well as those with STDs, who have had an abortion or an IUD implanted).

Finally, we have some answers about why I haven't been able to get pregnant. Why someone didn't think of this before (given that I have had FOUR bacterial infections since my son was born...) I spent $13K and 10 months trying to get pregnant, I have no idea. So, the prescribed treatment is 4 weeks birth control pills with 3 weeks doxycyclene and 200mg motrin, and THEN we can begin IVF.

I'm irritated that this is a problem and no-one had found it earlier, but I am also thankful I followed my intuition that jumping into a cycle--as the two other doctors I saw suggested--wouldn't be circumspect enough.

Hopefully, curing this infection will help with implantation and I will finally get pregnant!!