My son's birth and subsequent weeks were difficult (you can read about the birth here and our breastfeeding journey here). Going into his pregnancy, I had hoped to go "au natural" with the help of hypnobirthing. I read several books on labor, I attending 6 weeks of birth classes, I hired a doula, I changed practices mid-way through my pregnancy to ensure that I was working with a "minimal medical intervention" midwife. I wrote a birthplan. I spent HOURS developing "the perfect" playlist for the birth experience (it was FOUR hours long!). I was READY when I went into labor. But, such as life, THINGS didn't turn out as planned and I had a miserable 32 hour labor with a midwife who kept insisting that I was going to end up with a c-section. My first memories after Nugget's birth are hazy... I never had that hallmark moment of joyous mother holding baby in her arms. Instead, I was screaming and kicking the OB that was trying to sew me up while I could feel everything she was doing. When they finally did put Nugget in my arms, I asked what was wrong with his head and made them take him away because I was in too much pain to focus on him and was afraid that I would drop him. Then, he wouldn't latch on...but honestly...after 2.5 hours in the birth canal, who could blame him if he was too tired to do anything. My conclusion based on this birth experience was that my goal for labor should be: just get the d@mn baby out of me. I didn't research labor. I didn't insist on having a certain doctor at the birth. I didn't use a doula, a midwife, or develop a birth plan. I figured I might end up with a c-section, but I just didn't care. I wanted Baby Girl to be here safe and sound and I didn't care how it happened. We called it the "un-plan plan."
So, when my water broke Monday morning while snuggling in bed with my husband, I panicked. I knew I had to deliver in a certain period of time after my water broke, but I didn't know what that timeframe was and I wasn't going to risk anything with our precious gift. Water breaking felt just as eons of women before me had described it: as if a water balloon had burst in my underwear. It was odd. I hadn't been having contractions and was busy thinking big thoughts about what I want to do with my life...what I hope to accomplish...and, of course, running through all the lists of things that I hoped to accomplish that day. As soon as it happened, I screamed "my water broke" and my husband and I both jumped out of bed and started running around trying to figure out what exactly we should be doing. I took a shower and started to blow dry my hair. My husband packed his clothes and some miscellaneous things for the hospital. In the interim, I was dripping water everywhere...running around half-naked because I didn't want to get my clothes all wet. Thankfully, my mother-in-law was in town visiting us for Christmas and she came upstairs to tell us to chill out...don't worry about the bag...and GET TO THE HOSPITAL.
We finally got to the hospital around 8:30 (it's only 10 minutes away). We checked in...got set up in our room...and finally realized that THIS WAS IT. We are at the hospital to deliver a baby. And, I proceeded to freak out about my lack of planning this time around. I felt to unprepared and at the will of medical professionals with no research to counter their suggestions. I cursed us for not taking labor more seriously...for not planning better...for not researching more. But, in the end, I was at the hospital...and it was too late. We were going to have that baby some way or another by 7 am December 27th.
At 10 am, the on-call doctor came to check my cervix. All of the doctors from my practice were out, so I was going to be delivered by a doctor I had never met before. The un-plan plan in full effect. She seemed nice enough and patiently answered any questions we had. She checked my cervix and I was surprised to learn that I was 3 cm dilated! My contractions had barely been stronger than my braxton hicks contractions that barely hurt. By contrast, it took me nearly 12 hours of HARD, terrible contractions to get to 3 cm with Nugget. They told me that they wanted me to progress to 5 cm by 1:30 pm (or 6 hours after my water broke) and, if I didn't, we'd have to talk about Pitocin.
At this point, my mother-in-law brought my son to visit me at the hospital. We walked around with him for a bit. He made sure to kill all the pirates and monsters in my room. They left and the doctor checked me again at 1:30. I was still only 3/4 cm and my contractions were just starting to be a little intense (i.e., intense enough for me to say "ouch, that hurt" while continuing to text or talk to my friends. I had another freak out about pitocin and having a c-section...and talked to one of my friends who had used pitocin for her first birth and she said that pitocin doesn't necessarily mean a c-section or a miserable birth (as that didn't happen to her). She also told me to soak in the last few hours of my pregnancy, of feeling my beautiful Baby Girl moving around in my belly, and I cried as I knew that these might be the last moments where I get to feel that amazing slow twist of my loved one in my womb. For the rest of the labor, I was very present.....feeling each contraction, tasting my anticipation, savoring what was most likely my last pregnant moments. There were many moments where I would silently cry from the emotion of it all...and the juxtaposition of December 2011 from December 2010. I couldn't believe my beautiful girl's moment was here.
As the pitocin began to kick in my contractions got stronger, moving from pain at 2-3 on a scale of 1-10 (least-->most painful) to a 6-7. The nurse kept asking if I wanted an epidural, but I wanted to feel the contractions for a while...again because I don't know that I'll ever be able to feel them again. I learned to stay ahead of the pain, to stay in control, to remind myself that the pain would last for 10-30 seconds, but not forever. I tried to rest between contractions and slow danced with my husband or swayed to the music. Around 5 pm, my fear began to take over and I couldn't manage myself through the contractions. I asked the nurse to get the anesthesiologist for the epidural. 45 minutes later the anesthesiologist finally came. At that point, the pain was very intense (an 8 on a scale of 1-10), and I was ready for relief. I also knew that I would have to fear the pain of the contractions more than the pain of the epidural to be a compliant patient and by 5 pm I had reached that point. While the epidural was being administered, I kept repeating that I was scared about having a contraction during the procedure and causing the anesthesiologist to mess up. The 3 minutes it took to put in the epidural were the scariest of my labor; the position for the epidural was extremely uncomfortable and only heightened the pain of my contractions. But, I made it through, and 15 minutes later I had sweet release. I had a self administered epidural, so they only gave me a small amount and I could increase my dose as I saw necessary during labor. Shortly after, the doctor checked my progress and said that I was 7 cm dilated. At 7 pm, the nurse said that she thought I might be ready to push, but that the doctor was busy delivering another baby so I should "hold on." The epidural was strong enough to take the edge off my contractions, but they still hurt (about a 4 on a scale of 1-10). The pain was more pressure than acute aching. So, for the next hour I focused on listening to the music and breathing down the baby while I had contractions. At 8 pm, the doctor arrived and said that it was time to push. "NO SH*T" I responded several times....I couldn't believe it...I wasn't in pain...it had only been about 12 hours...and it was TIME? Four pushes and 15 minutes later, my wonderful baby girl was born. I reached down and placed her on my chest and spent the next two hours delighting over her tiny features. It was one of the best moments in my life. She latched on IMMEDIATELY after birth...her desire to suck and survive was so strong. She's the little fighter I was meant to have.
