Next Steps

On Sunday, I cried. I sat on the sofa, curled in the fetal position, and spent most of the day regretting my life.

By mid-afternoon, my husband was sick of it. He wanted to move forward. Make decisions. He even pulled out his white board to map out our next steps.

I wanted to mourn. Somehow try to get the loss in my soul to leak out with the tears. Be in my moment of misery.

We fought. I didn't understand why he wouldn't allow me this time to be sad. He didn't understand why I had to dwell on things we can't change. I made him leave the house. He came back with two cupcakes, hugged me, and we agreed to allow each other to process our grief in our own ways.

Today we met with our RE. He said that he gives us a 10-15% chance of IVF working. He doesn't believe that we have an implantation issue, but said that he would do another endometrial biopsy to ensure that the endometritis is gone. He doesn't think that a hysteroscopy is necessary, because I didn't have any signs of lesions or the like in my hysterosonogram. He doesn't believe in immune issues and holds that if these were a problem, then we wouldn't have been able to conceive my son.

He does believe that we may have a genetic issue which may be causing the lower quality embryos. He doesn't know if the source of the problem is the eggs, the sperm, or both. He wants us to do one last "hail mary" cycle up at Reproduct.ive Me.dicine A.ssociates (RMA) in New Jersey. He said they can do same day PGD to see if the embryos are normal. If the embryos are normal and don't implant OR if the embryos are not normal, then he thinks we should move on to donor eggs/sperm/embryos or adoption. He said that this way, we would have closure as to the root cause of our problem. Also, he said we could do an experiment with donor eggs/sperm to see whether the problem was the eggs or the sperm, but this probably wouldn't be covered by insurance (I have to look into this). This is probably cost-prohibitive though....

So, next Thursday, I have an appointment at RMA. Anyone out there know anything about RMA? They seem to have pretty good statistics and I have found some on-line groups with positive reviews. Do you think I should drive there for the appointment? It's about 4 hours away from where we live. I am leaning towards driving there to get a feel for the doctor and be available for any necessary testing. The best news is that my insurance plan covers cycles at his clinic.

We're also moving forward with adoption. We have our first homestudy interview this Friday.

I am trying to keep myself motivated and attached....but I feel this deep grief that befuddles my mind. I keep repeating: I can't believe this is my life. I can't believe this is my life.

I just want the pain to be over. To know where we are going, how much money we are going to spend, and that...at the end of it all...we will find some peace and happiness.

I wish someone could give me that. Someone could hold me and comfort me and tell me that all will be OK in the world. But, no one can promise me that. Life is suffering. There is no avoiding it.

Not pregnant

Got my period as I was peeing on the stick.

Feeling Shaky

Last night, I was cold, chilly. I asked my husband and MIL if they were cold. No, they said. We're comfortable. I took my temperature: 97.2. And, became convinced that I am NOT pregnant. For, if I was pregnant, my temperature would be higher. Granted it was 97.6 when I took it this morning…but, shouldn't it be warmer? Shouldn't I be hot?

All day long, I've been feeling shaky. As if I am not sure that my legs can withstand the weight of my body. My heart aflutter, I fear the results on Sunday. I fear that we'll face another failure. I fear that we'll never have more children of our own. That we'll do IVF again and again with the same negative result.

I feel anger. Resentment. That last year at Thanksgiving I was so hopeful, thanking God for the improvement in hubby's sperm that put us in "normal land," which was apparently a fluke test. Because we are nothing close to normal.

And, yet. I still feel like this could all be some big mistake. That we are indeed fertile. That we've just had bad timing or bad luck. We're still fertile, viable young people. That can have sex and make a baby.

Help me find the strength to make it through these next four days…and weeks after that if the result is negative.

I don't feel anything....

I've done this enough, that I know I should not analyze everything little twinge....but I feel nothing. No implantation cramping (which I believe I may have had with my son). No rise in temperature. Nada.

I know that I didn't really notice anything with my son until he was 6 weeks...so I shouldn't read too much into this.

I keep reading all these posts about people doing a HPT 5-9 days post 5 day transfer and getting a positive result...but I don't know that I am strong enough to handle taking one.

Plus, life seriously has the worst timing because my MIL has been here the past 2 two-week waits. I've had to prolong taking the HPT because I don't want to do it while she is around and have a total melt down.

Can someone please reassure that I should or shouldn't be feeling anything? Or, give me the cold, hard truth that if I was pregnant, I would feel something. My temperature would be rising. Or, something?

(I don't take my temperature in the morning, but I just usually notice whether I'm throwing off all the covers or snuggling with my husband.

Sigh.

Phoenix

I haven't written the past few days for fear of jinxing anything...

After the initial fertilization report on Friday, I was reeling. Thinking there was no hope.

Like the phoenix rising from the ashes, hope was reborn.

The RE called on Saturday to let us know that actually ALL of the eggs fertilized! There were two 2-cells (the ones they didn't think fertilized), one 3-cell, and one 4-cell on Day 2. He reiterated that we needed to make a decision about whether we would be doing a Day 3 or Day 5 transfer, emphasizing that he understood the emotional aspect of the decision: Day 3 transfer gave us Nugget and the two previous Day 5 transfers resulted in Nothing. Obviously, he indicated that "science" suggested that if the embryos wouldn't make it to Day 5 they likely wouldn't make it. However, he said that I could make the "emotional" decision and do a Day 3 transfer and have to wait the two weeks with no real sense of whether they were strong embryos.

I decided to "rip off the bandaid" and see whether they would make it to Day 5. Yesterday was hell. I was intermittedly crying all day, wondering if I made the right decision.

I was rewarded! Today, we were able to transfer three embryos! One blastocyst and two morulas. The embryologist said that they looked better quality than our August transfer.

Hope again.....

Go, Liam, Mia, and Olivia!!!!

Afraid (Updated)

I had high hopes for yesterday's egg retrieval. We tried a different protocol. I've been on more drugs that EVER before. I have tried to be relaxed and ambivalent and not too attached to this cycle so that I wouldn't ride the rollercoaster of highs and lows with follicle counts, E2 levels, etc.

But, I was devastated yesterday to learn that they only got 4 mature eggs out of 8. I don't understand.

I am biting my nails. Trying to keep busy with work. Waiting, waiting, waiting. To see how many fertilized. To see if we are going to have any to put back.

I am hoping that my husband made some super sperm and they fertilize everything like they did the cycle with Nugget.

Please, God, please.


*****************************************
Updated

The RE just called. Only 2 of the 4 eggs fertilized. We have to decide whether we do a day 3 or day 5 transfer. My inclination is to wait until day 5. If they aren't good embryos, then I'd rather not wait another two weeks to get a negative. He only gives us a 15-20% chance of getting pregnant by IVF. When do we stop this??

Waiting Room Etiquette

While in my RE's waiting room today....I saw someone I know. I'm not sure she saw me because I quickly ran over to the water fountain to avoid her.

I don't know why I hid.

I'm usually pretty open that we had trouble conceiving. And, we have some mutual friends, so she may know of my troubles.

The first thing I wanted to do was to call a girl that I know (who also did IVF to get pregnant and knows this woman) and tell her that this woman was at my clinic this morning...so she must be having problems, too. There's more of us infertiles out there!

I don't want to be a catty gossip, though, so I am not going to tell anyone. Well, except maybe the whole blogosphere.

Should I have acknowledged her? Surely I am going to run into her again if she is undergoing treatment.

What would you do if you ran into someone you know at the RE's office?

Does my avoidance of the situation demonstrate that I am actually embarassed that we have to undergo fertility treatments? Or was it merely that I wasn't sure how to handle the situation and, thus, just avoided it.

Why do we feel embarrased about our infertility? Does it mean that we are "lesser" human beings? Does it mean we are broken? Unlucky? Frail? I don't want people to pity me, but at the same time, I would like some acknowledgement of the horrible agony I must endure on a daily basis. We have people out there cheering for the "ta tas" but does anyone give a d@mn about the infertiles silently suffering? Why is our "disease" treated as cosmetic and superficial and "voluntary" or "self-inflicted" and not covered by insurance?

Lazy Blogger Monday: Photos from the Past Few Weeks

Hopefully, these somewhat maintain my anonymity...but here are a few shots from the past few weeks.
Nugget's Birthday Cake...Doesn't he look scared?

Nugget running like a mad man around the house with his birthday balloons.

Nugget all decked out in his Halloween costume for the neighborhood parade. A firetruck came!

Nugget at a local apple orchard/farm. He loves animals!

Don't Know Where I'm Going

My E2 levels appear low to me (156 on day 7 of stimming, 753 on day 10 of stimming).

I'm worried I'm not doing the follistim shot correctly.

I think I only have 7 eggs. I think they're around 17-19 mm. Most of them about the same size.

Other than that, I am tired. Worried. But, too busy to figure out whether the E2 numbers are comparable to my prior cycles. Too busy to get on Dr. Google and google the heck out of whether my follicle development is slow or low E2 levels are indication of a problem.

I have some fun shots of Nugget's birthday celebration this weekend and will post them in the next few days.

I'd rather poke my eye out than deal with my insurance company

On Wednesday, the RE upped my meds: in the am 200 follistim, 75 menupor, 20 lupron (same), in the pm 100 follistim, 150 menupor, 20 lupron.

I quickly realized that I was going to run out menupor Friday morning and follistim on Saturday morning. So, being the good little patient, I called my nurse and let her know that I was going to need more medicine. I also called my insurance company to find out if the RE's office would have to call in a new prescription or whether I had refills. They told me I had 3 refills. Perfect. Thus, all I needed to do was figure out how many meds I needed to get through Monday, when I could order more meds (my insurance company's speciality infertility pharmacy is closed on the weekend). That is, if I will need them. I will have been stimming for 12 days at that point.

On Thursday, I called the insurance company's speciality infertility pharmacy to order more meds. They said that I can't get refills and that I need my nurse to fax in a cycle review sheet and a new prescription. Fine. I called my nurse and told her that my insurance company needed this information and gave her their phone and fax numbers. She calls them and faxes over the required information. I don't have time to call again (meetings) until 5:20 and, at this point, the insurance representative says that they can't fill my order because they don't have authorization and that the cycle review sheet hasn't been received. CRAP. I can't get my meds tomorrow.

Friday morning. Bright and f'ing early. I call the insurance company again to figure out why this hasn't been authorized. I call my nurse to figure out what she needs to do to get this authorized.

And, so, here I sit. Mid-day friday. No menupor for tonight. Insurance company says they can't deliver until tomorrow. Thankfully, my RE says they can give me enough menupor to last through tonight. But, they have no follistim, so I *really* need to get that from my insurance company's pharmacy OR ELSE.

Guess where I'm supposed to be tomorrow? At my parent's house. Two hours away. Celebrating my son's second birthday.

Why does this have to be so f'ing complicated???

I may or may not have ended up crying and screaming at the stupid insurance people who all provided me with different information that resulted in me being in this awful position.

If I ever meet you in person: Linda, Melanie, Laura, Raul, Terry, or Kelly....BEWARE.

Things that are breaking my heart

My husband has grown disillusioned with his company and is trying to decide whether he should take a job at a new company or start his own partnership. Big decision, right? This stuff has been keeping him up at night for the past 6 months. Last night, as I was rocking Nugget in his room, we were talking about his successful job interview earlier that day with the Grand Poo-bah at the new company and how they were going to be making my husband an offer. I asked my husband what he thought he would do, where he thought he'd be happier. He leaned over, kissed Nugget's head, sighed and said: "I don't really care what I do. All I care is that we get pregnant."

The sun wasn't even up yet and I awoke this morning to the sound of Nugget chatting away to himself in his room. I suppose he must have been having a conversation with his friends "Car" and "Train" who travel with him everywhere now. I tiptoed to his door and stood listening to his undulating words for a few minutes before I made my way out the door for my morning walk.

I have three tubs of empty needles sitting on top of my bookshelf. Full of empty hope from the last cycles. Maybe I should throw them away.

Tomorrow is Nugget's 2nd birthday.

I wanna RUN

That's it. I'm done. I'm sick of it. I want to go for a nice long run and then I want to go lift weights and then maybe I'll go for a walk. That's right. All in one day. What are you gonna do about it?

I'm having a *really* hard time giving up the exercise this time. Because you know what? I did this 2 x already. Stopped everything. And, both times: still negative.

A dear friend reminded me that we have a level playing field this time because I no longer (hopefully) have endometritis. But, who knows? Maybe I do? Maybe I'll never get pregnant.

I'm so angry at all of this. Angry that I have wasted the last 11 months of my life trying for something and getting nothing. Angry that every freaking member of my family tells me that I should just move on to adoption because everyone gets pregnant when they adopt. WHAT?!

And, then I sigh. And try to get some perspective.

Think about my husband's boss whose son is being operated on today for a brain tumor. He's seven. They adopted him after dealing with infertility for several years. How is that fair, life?

Think about people that have been trying longer, harder, and spent more money.

I still want to run, though. A nice 10 mile run. So that my legs just start to ache a little.

My doctor says only "moderate exercise." But, as a compulsive exerciser, I'm really not sure WHAT that means. Technically, he says, 20 miles a week or less. Fine. Check. But, what about the elliptical? What about weights? What about yoga? Walking? Can I do that, too? And, can I do more than one in a day? I haven't yet...but I'm tempted.

Part of me just feels hopeless. Like this will never work. Why give up everything again to get another failure?