Meet JoJo and Charlie!

Embryo transfer went WONDERFULLY yesterday! All four embryos made it to Day 5, although one of them wasn't looking so hot. So, we transferred two (eee...twins?!) and are waiting until Day 7 to see how the 3rd and 4th look. At that point, we will make a decision about freezing. It's so difficult because I believe that these celled organizations have the potential to be humans and, therefore, am loathe to do anything to eliminate them. But, it is an additional $2k to freeze and store them for later. Given our lack of success with the other frozen embryo transfer, I'd rather put our $$ toward another IVF round if this one doesn't work. Our IVF money tree is running out of funds.

When we did IVF with Nugget, we named them and would talk to them every night (we transferred 2 day-3 embryos then, too)...telling them what great parents we would be, how much we would love to have them stay, the fun things we would do together, etc. So, we're doing the same with our little JoJo and Charlie this round.

Let's hope one or both sticks!!

Better than expected!

They managed to get 9 eggs of which 8 were mature and 5 fertilized. So, we're not too far behind where we were with Nugget (6 eggs, 6 fertilized). Now it's a waiting game to see how many make it 3 days in the petri dish. We have to decide whether we want to do a 3 day transfer (downside: can't really tell which embryos are best; upside: sometimes embryos do better in the human incubator than the petri dish) or 5 day transfer (downside: embryos may not make it to day 5; upside: better chance of success--70% versus 45%). Am going to talk to the doctor tomorrow.

The retrieval itself was painful; I was supposed to be completely under, but I could feel everything. After the procedure was over, the nurse asked if I remembered saying "ow ow ow ow" repeatedly. To which I said, YES because I could feel every-d@mn-thing. At that point, I was too groggy to push the point. There's a mild ache when I stand up, so I've been on bedrest the past two days and watching lots of crappy movies. Oddly, I'm more swollen after the procedure. You'd think with all those eggies out of me that I'd have less of a gut. Sigh. Just a little bleeding off and on, but nothing major. Thankfully, the worst is over in terms of physical pain. Now I just have to wait: the worst part psychologically.

Where did Hope go?

I got awful news today. Apparently, my body is not responding to the drugs (even though they doubled the drugs as compared to what was used in my Feb 2008 cycle) and there are only two follicles that look like they have eggs of sufficient size. The doctor thinks there may be two more eggs, but they appear to be too immature. They don't know why I'm not responding.

On my first day of monitoring, I felt so light and free. Anything was possible. As I walked out the front door of the clinic, a butterfly floated past my face and I thought it was a good omen. Perhaps I could decorate a little girl's room with butterflies in the future.

But, there are no good omens. Only in a world of magical thinking.

I can't believe I may have to do this again. I don't know if I have the strength of spirit. My husband says that we can afford one more cycle and the doctor said he might be able to get us some free medication, which would save about $4,000. Perhaps we are only meant to have one child. Adoption is out of the question for us at this point, given the costs, but perhaps in a couple of years we could pursue that.

I really thought this was going to be "it" and I would be done with this awful part of my life.

Trying not to blame my husband

The hardest aspect of going through IVF for me is to not continually lash out at my husband. While I know intellectually that he cannot control his sperm quality, part of me is bitter and angry that I have to go through this hell because of him. The shots. The humiliating doctor's visits. The months and years of my life spent waiting for a pregnancy. If the situation were reversed, he wouldn't hold me responsible for a bad uterus, poor lining, or crappy eggs.

So, not only am I irritated with him, I get irritated with myself. For not being a better person. For consciously "keeping score." For thinking...in my darkest moments...that if I had picked a different man, I wouldn't have to go through this agony. That I would have two kids by now. I sometimes day dream about miraculously remembering how to flirt, going to a bar, and finding some young man to give me the one thing my husband cannot.

This is not a pretty picture I paint, but it is the honest truth.

I find reasons to be angry with him and pick fights. Mature, I know. Some days, he will laugh at me while I try to find things to complain about. You didn't load the dishes properly, I tell him. Or, you have yogurt on your shirt and you look sloppy. Other days, his threshold for unrelenting criticism has maxed out and he snaps back.

I turn into a princess, demanding that he cook dinner, do the dishes, and give Nugget a bath while I recline on the sofa devouring the "Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" trilogy. I am the evil step-mother and he is my Cinderella.

I blame it on the drugs.

But in reality, I know that it is just my siphoned anger. I figure at least my anger is isolated and I'm not directing it at the world writ large, pregnant women, families, doctors, etc.

Just so you don't think I'm all zenned out:>

Needles Galore!

I started my "big" drugs this past Monday (menopur and follistim) and my poor little belly looks like a black and blue bruised pin cushion. I'm feeling surprisingly relaxed about the whole process. Perhaps it is because we had friends visit this past weekend with their three kids and IT WAS MADNESS. It made me realize that two kids is much more my speed than three kids and I'm OK with this process taking time. I have 2 3/4 years before I hit the 35 deadline where fertility just take a nosedive. Suddenly, I'm feeling like I have plenty of time.

My retrieval should be at the end of next week (between August 18th-20th) and then the transfer should be 3-5 days after that and then the beta should be the first week in September.

P.S. note the lovely little "blue" box...from Tiffany & Co.! My hubby got me a nice little surprise for enduring all this infertility crap. You can't appreciate how amazing this is unless you know a) my husband's great disdain for "big box" jewelers; b) my husband's horrible taste in jewelry that has resulted in several fights. Maybe I'll tell that story in another post.