Negative

I would like to say I handled it well.

I didn't cry at first.  As my heart pounded in my mouth and my quivering hands tried to open the pregnancy test, I kept warning myself...do not hope...do not hope.  Only one line appeared.  I have taken this damn test enough to know that if the second line doesn't appear immediately, it's not going to come.  My daughter was crying faintly in the background, so I threw away the test, picked her up and headed downstairs to play with Baby Girl and read the paper.  Two hours passed without a tear.

And then...the rage... the anger...the bitterness.  I picked a nice fight with my husband over buying new shoes for my son.  The day was ruined.  I cried for hours.  I went on a 9.5 mile run.  Took a nap because I was exhausted from crying.  Went to the grocery store.  A walking human zombie.

I hate this.  I try to not hate my life.  I have so much to be thankful for.  But, I am so fucking bitter to be doing this again.  Why can't I let this third baby go and just be done?

I remember this place

They say that deja vu is just a misfiring of neurons, that synapses are connected in a way that makes us think that we have been to a place before, met someone before, etc. This space I am in, this waiting space, is a place that feels so familiar.  Today I am organizing all my IVF files, again.  Writing up my medical history, again.  Hoping that some doctor will be my oracle, again.

We received some good financial news this week.  My husband has won some work that will provide us with a steady stream of work for 5 years and will be in addition to his full time salary.  Of course, the first place that my mind wanders about hearing of this boon is to think that maybe we should scrap our local clinics and head up to Mecca at Weiss Cornell Center for Reproduce Medicine and try out their co-culture.  Without insurance coverage, this would cost us $18-19,000.  The figure just makes me gasp.  Can we do this again?  We've already spent $70,000 on the two children we already have.  This cycle was $8,000 down the drain (I know, I've already given up hope).  How far do we want to fall down this rabbit hole?

I've developed a plan: I am going to take a HPT on Sunday and when I get the negative (most likely), I am going to go for a 10 mile run and then I am going to go to Crossfit for three days in a row and beat my poor little body to a pulp.  Then, I will put on my big girl panties and gear up for IVF #7 using the estrogen priming protocol, hoping for a cycle in November.  In the interim, I am trying to get everything set up for a cycle in December/January at Cornell.  This is freaking madness, people.

1 9-cell, 15% fragmentation

Today we transferred 1 9-cell with 15% fragmentation, grade 2.  Not great, but not awful. 

We're calling him "Tag" as in "Tag, you're it."

Not Growing

Embryo is not growing.  They will check on it tomorrow, but it is not looking good.  I am devastated.  I didn't think I would be.  What was I thinking?

Only One

5 eggs. 4 mature.  Only 1 fertilized.  I had that deep ache in the pit of my belly when I got this news.  So much for ambivalence.  No tears, though.  We'll see if we have anything to transfer on Thursday.  Fuck.

Tardy Eggs

Well, they decided to push back my retrieval to today because my E2 levels just weren't rising enough.  They got 5 eggs.  We find out tomorrow how many fertilized.  I'm hoping for at least 2.  We'll see.

There is something about doing IVF again for the first cycle back in the saddle that isn't so scary, is more hopeful.  I liken it to how we felt when we did the first clomid cycle after Nugget.  I was hopeful.  I really thought we had figured out the problem and that we would actually get pregnant without IVF.  I was excited to get started.

I know that it is false hope in that it was freaking miserable getting pregnant the last time...but this time I am going in with the expectation that it's going to take a long time and it may not even work.  That if we are able to have another child it is a "bonus" child.  As in I already feel so lucky to have my two kids.  I'm sure my emotions will change if/when I get another negative pregnancy test.  But, right now, I'll live with my ambiguity.  Happiness that it might work.  Sadness that it might not.  I am NOT going to let myself get depressed again.

Look at my Big Girl!

Other big news: we have a crawler!!!

Retrieval on Sunday; Transfer on Wednesday

E2 is still pretty low (479 for those that care).  Only 3 good looking follicles right now...2 bigger than 20 mm as of today, which has me worried that we are waiting until Sunday to retrieve.  But, that's what the RE wants to do.  The right ovary never responded. 

Since I've not told anyone about this stealth cycle (with the exception of people that I had to...either they saw the drugs in the fridge or were visiting on a weekend when I had monitoring), I'm going to have to lie to my boss about where I am on Wednesday, which is causing me some anxiety.  Part of me wants to come clean to my boss, but the other part of me just doesn't want anyone from work knowing my personal business.  I was very open with work when TTC for #1 and #2...but this time...I just don't want my failure out there.

I guess that's what I've been struggling with mostly:  I feel like a failure.  Particularly compared to the other siblings in my family.  Granted, I have very different values than they do...I wanted to get a graduate degree and travel and live someplace other than the town I grew up in...and I really didn't want to be like my mother.  I didn't want to NOT have a life other than my children.  Oh, how my haughtiness taunts me now.  If only I had known that being a mother was going to be such an arduous journey because I decided to delay it in pursuit of self realization.  And now I find myself more lost than ever.  Sigh.

But, I have my two gorgeous babies.  They ground me in moments where I find myself reeling with regret or anger at my own stupidity in major life decisions.

I fear these posts are becoming rambling tautologies.  I have little time to reflect during my full days or polish my writing, but I want to get these emotions and fears out.

I have run a couple of times this cycle.  Am a little too paranoid to do any long or hard workouts and lamenting how soft I feel I've become in the past two weeks.  I'll pick it up again, but damn, cycling is annoying.

Still in the Running

E2 came in at 181 today, so there's been some progression.  We're following 3 decent sized follicles on the left side, with 2-3 others that are measurable.  The right side isn't responding and has no measurable follicles.  So, that's great.  It's not over yet.

Today I found out that my youngest sister (I have 2) is pregnant.  It is resurfacing all sorts of emotions.  Angry that I was the only sibling that had to struggle with this (because life is fair and we should have the same amount of strife in all our lives, right?).  Upset that I am the only sibling to have children "late" in life...I feel like a failure.  Why didn't I try to have children sooner?  What was I waiting for?  I'm sure I will feel happy for her, but it just feels like another reminder that I'm different and this isn't something that is easy for us.  I said all the right things.  I told her I was happy for her.  I told her they'd be great parents.  I was a good sister even though I was silently crying.  Man, these drugs make everything harder.

Nope

Not better. E2 of 66. Only 2 measurable follicles. Go back on Sunday. Eating too much banan chocolate gelato and pizza and drinking too much wine. (jeez, you'd really think I have some sort of unhealthy relationship with comfort food from reading this blog.....haha!).

I'm sad and scared about what this means for my chances of success....trying to hold myself back from worry until the fat lady sings.

Ovaries Not Responding

After 3 days of stims (Sunday night, Monday morning & night, Tuesday morning & night, Wednesday morning) at the maximum dosage (450 follistim, 150 menopur) my E2 levels were only 34.  VERY low.  Of course, I immediately freak out...try googling low estrogen during stimming and all signs point to cancelling the cycle.  I try to figure out what I am doing that is causing the low response: am I running too much? Is my body weight too low (with a BMI of around 19 I would guess)? Did the BCP suppress me too much?  Have my ovaries officially closed up shop?  After an hour of internet research and frantic emails to friends, I reminded myself that this sort of "sky is falling" attitude isn't going to get me anywhere.  What will be, will be.  I will just have to wait until my next monitoring session on Friday to see if things progress or if they want to cancel the cycle.  I have to let myself off the hook for being able to impact the outcome of ART cycles.  Easier said than done.  Right now...I am fighting the urge to go look for success stories.  But, even looking at all my prior cycles, my E2 levels have NEVER been this low.  It's not good.  It's not good at all.

Unadulterated skin

It seems like nothing. The slow wait for the needle to finally make a solid perforation in the skin and to push down the syringe, watching the medicine disappear into my flesh. It has been only a little more then a year since I last administered myself a shot. I'm quite efficient at it, no longer hesitating in anticipation of the pain. I know by now that there is no avoiding the prick of the needle piercing the skin and I should just suck it up and get it over with.

And so today it begins again.  I had a great antral follicle count of 12....which is good for my prematurely ancient ovaries. I found myself wanting to tell the nurses in a bragging sort of way...this is my 6th fresh cycle...I could do this in my sleep...but who wants to brag about that?  Someone insecure? Someone wanting validation? Someone not wanting to be one of the women in the waiting room anxious about the process? Someone who accepts and knows the process, no hand holding or coddling necessary?

It is so so different this time. I know and accept it probably won't happen. I'm still wrapped in bliss with my beautiful baby girl and so immersed in enjoying her open-mouthed kisses and belly laughs that I don't yet have to face the thought of no more baby toes.