Anniversaries

We are fast approaching Mackenzie's birthday and I find myself getting more and more apprehensive.  I don't want it to have been a year since he died.  Sometimes the pain feels so distant and unfocused and other times I just ache to have my life back the way it was before he died.  I sometimes think unconsciously that this baby in my belly is Mackenzie and not this other baby.  We keep "testing" out names when talking to the baby and none of them feel "right."  None of them are Mackenzie. 

Lately, a lot of small talk is initiated as my belly quite announces itself and is a simple topic of conversation.  I vacillate between telling people this is our third and fourth pregnancy.  Tonight my husband and I went to an event at my son's school and were asked by multiple people how many children we have.  I had told my husband of my problems answering this question, so he answered for me.  "Four." Each time he said it, we would look at each other tears in our eyes, and politely try to steer the topic elsewhere.  And, tonight, I can't sleep thinking about it.

I feel no joy in having this baby.  He mostly reminds me that I should already have a baby.  My husband assures me that once the new baby comes and is healthy and alive that I will feel joy for him.  But, I worry that I won't.  I worry that I will resent him, which is not fair for an innocent.

A Long Break

I'm 30 weeks now.  7 weeks since I last posted.  I have wanted to post, but for some reason, finding the space in my life to do so has been hard.  How can this be when I am staying at home and should be having more free time?  I have to be honest....I am struggling with staying home.  I miss continuous train of thought.  I get testy about not being able to accomplish in a day what I would like because instead of just running errands and accomplish tasks I have to take into consideration the needs and wants of a 2 and 5 year old.


We are nearing Mackenzie's birth day.  I cannot believe a year of my life is gone. I can't believe it's been a year since he's been alive. I feel more distant from the intense grief of those first few months, but I also feel more distant from myself.  I wake up some mornings to nightmares about not knowing who I am anymore or how I happened to find myself living this life.  I'm so far from who I thought I was 1, 2, 5, 10, 15 years ago.  This isn't what I imagined for myself, for my career, for my family.  I feel rudderless and have no life purpose or goals.  It's disarming for me, the ultimate planner, to be so adrift.  I miss goals and having a vision for the direction I want to head.  At this point, my only goal is to have this baby.  It's not even a goal that I am that excited about.  I feel terrible writing that...but I'm mostly scared.  How am I going to handle this?  I still don't even really believe the baby is going to come.  I have made some progress in getting ready....I washed some of Nugget's clothes and bought a few new things.  I bought a bunk bed for Nugget and Baby Girl so that Baby Girl can transition out of her crib to a "big girl bed."  I started thinking about baby boy's nursery, but haven't implemented anything.  I figure I can keep him in a bassinet for the first couple of months.  I should probably pull the bassinet down.


We still have no names for the baby boy.  I just don't feel drawn to any names.  Suggestions accepted gladly.