Ultrasound on Wednesday

I've had two good betas since last Wednesday and the ultrasound is on Wednesday 12/5.

1st Beta (14 days post retrieval): 196

2nd Beta (16 days post retrieval): 360

3rd Beta (18 days post retrieval): 789

4th Beta (21 days post retrieval): 2231

I've been to Crossfit 2x now and went for my longest run yesterday in three months: 9 miles!  I'm thinking about going to the track next week if everything continues to progress.  I have never continued track workouts with my previous pregnancies, so I don't know if that is something I will be able to do. So far, my only symptoms are sore boobs and an insatiable appetite for fatty meats.  I can't seem to eat enough bacon or lamb.

I haven't told my family and wasn't going to tell them until/if we reach 15/16 weeks and pending the results of any genetic testing we do.  My husband thinks we should tell my parents if I make it to Christmas, as I would be 8 weeks. But, I just don't want my siblings or anyone to know until we know that this is viable...and, my mom can't keep a secret to save her life.

Beta Rising

At 16 days post ovulation, my beta today was 360.  Which, according to BetaBase (we all know beta base, right?), it is a little higher than the median for a singleton.  But, my betas for both my other pregnancies were also a little higher than the median, so I am trying not to think about twins.

Betas with Nugget:
1st Beta (17 days post retrieval): 632
2nd Beta (19 days post retrieval): 1139
3rd Beta (21 days post retreival): 2331

Betas with Baby Girl:
Beta #1: 866 (18 days past retrieval)
Beta #2: 1595 (20 days past retrieval)
Beta #3: 3122 (22 days past retrieval)

I've been eating bacon and eggs like they are going out of style.  My boobs hurt.  No bleeding/spotting.  My tummy is already sticking out, but that's bloating from the progesterone or perhaps the massive amount of bacon I have been eating.  I don't even want to think about what my cholesterol is like now (last time I checked it was 270).  I invested in a sports bra shirt top thingy that has plenty of room in the middle so I don't have to be self-conscious when working out that everyone is going to know that I am pregnant before I want them to know.  I know.  Crazy.  I'm WAY too confident.

Guilt. Elation. Fear.

I am having some strange emotions.  Guilt.  Elation. Fear.

Unlike the last time, I'm not angry.  Only doing IVF twice.... only seeing a negative pregnancy test once is SO different.  How quickly I feel I have lost the perspective we gained by having to fight for our Baby Girl.  I take this pregnancy for granted.  I am already running again.  In fact, I ran during the two week wait several times.  I'm even thinking about going to Crossfit again (haven't been since before retrieval).  I've already looked up due dates (August 5th, but I am guessing that the baby will come early).  I'm already assuming that everything will be OK with the baby.  I'm already fearing the sleepless nights.  I'm already looking at Pinterest to figure out how we will board three kids in two bedrooms. I started looking at our budget for the next year to figure out how much we could afford for a new car, as our 11 year old Toyota Highlander can't hold three car seats.

I couldn't even fathom any of these thoughts with Baby Girl until we reached viability.  I was scared to death that we would lose her.

My head knows that I shouldn't be moving forward like this.  And, because I can't seem to make myself exercise caution in my planning, I am scared.

Scared that I will lose this pregnancy because I took it for granted.
Scared that we were not thankful enough for the two kids without any problems that we have that the universe will equalize our luck with a third child with issues.
Scared that my precious Baby Girl will not get the attention she deserves as she has a sibling so soon.
Scared that a third child will be more than we can handle.
Scared that maybe there are twins in there and I really can't handle four kids.
Scared that I will never get my career back on track with a third child.

I know that these are petty fears and that I will rise to the challenge of whatever we must face.

But, the biggest emotion that I can't seem to shake is sadness for Baby Girl.  It is an emotion I don't understand.  She was our miracle.  Our amazing Baby Girl with the wonderful disposition who wants nothing but to laugh and be held.  Will she get the love she needs?  Will she know how very amazing she is and how blessed we feel to have her?  My husband even says that he hopes this pregnancy--if viable--is a boy so that our Baby Girl will be different, special.  My sister always said that she was the "nothing child," the "middle child" and that she never felt special.  It would break my heart if precious Baby Girl ever felt this way.

I also worry about this baby.  Will he/she feel like an accessory?  Nice to have, but not essential?  Will I feel that way?  With Baby Girl, everything was amazing.  I had maternity photos taken so that I could memorialize the last time I would ever be pregnant.  I poured over blogs to design the perfect nursery. I cried tears of joy while in labor, so happy to feel the contractions again.  Will this pregnancy still be special to me or will I view it as "old hat?"

How can I even think these things?  These are horrible thoughts.  I should only be thankful.  And, I am.  I guess I never really processed what would happen if we actually DID get pregnant.  I mean, it was hard enough at 31 or 32....why would it work 2 years later without much struggle and strife?

I am also thinking about our leftover embryos.  Do I want to donate them?  Could I do that?  Who would I donate them to?  Would I want to have an open relationship with that family or would it serve us all better for it to be anonymous?

See?  Totally getting ahead of myself.  I haven't even had my second beta.  Someone smack me.

The Post I Am Afraid to Write

I am wary of writing this post.


Because it is not fair.


Because I know it will hurt people to read.


I can’t quite believe it myself, but today I got a positive home pregnancy test. I know this is just the beginning of the journey. I need a positive beta, and doubling betas, and ultrasounds, and a beating heart, etc. But, as of this moment, I am pregnant.

****UPDATED****
Beta=196 @ 14 Days Post Retrieval

Chicken

Well, I was going to test tomorrow.  13 days past retrieval....but...I'm chickening out.  I don't want to ruin another lazy Sunday being sad about a cycle.  So, maybe I'll test Monday?  Maybe Tuesday?  Any chance I could keep taking progesterone forever and just never have to deal with a negative?

Same old symptoms that everyone feels during two week wait post IVF.  Breathlessness. Cramps.  Lower back pain. Itchy nipples.  Blah blah blah.  I can hyper analyze these, but I know well enough that I've had the same symptoms when I've been pregnant as when I haven't.

Better news: Baby Girl is WALKING.  Full on.  Only 10 months old and she is taking up to 15 steps in a row.  She's still a little shaky, but she is SO proud of herself!  She starts clapping for herself before she even begins walking and has this HUGE grin on her face the entire time.  I'm so excited for her to be able to keep up with her brother. 

The past four days off have been wonderful.  Every morning, we pull Baby Girl in bed with us to have a bottle and then eventually her big brother comes and joins us.  She gets so excited when he joins us that she starts kicking her legs and jumping all around.  Big Brother is not so excited and really just wants to snuggle sans baby sucking on his nose or stealing his binky.

My husband and I are at war over my son's binky.  Husband thinks is WAY overdue for us to eliminate the binky.  I don't see that it is necessary to have a big fight about it and assume that he will grow out of it when he is ready.  Husband contends that it is impacting Nugget's speech...which very well may be true.  I think this might be a battle I lose.

Off to sleep.  This progesterone makes me want to sleep for 10 hours a night.  I do not know why some people love this stuff (thinking of you, Tippy!).

Red Stuff

This morning, I noticed that the discharge from my suppositories was brownish/reddish.  I have been pretty crampy the past few days.  I've never not made it to at least 15-17 days post retrieval before Aunt Flo decides to make her arrival, but seems she just can't wait this time.  It's only been 9 days post retrieval and 6 days post 3 day transfer, but apparently that's a long enough luteal phase for Aunt Flo.  Sigh.  I had stupid hope for this cycle.  And, I know that people will claim "implantation bleeding!" but I've NEVER had it before and am tired of trying to find reasons to hope.

2 Frozen Embryos

Got the cyro report today.

2 Frozen Blasts.
1 AA, 1 AB

Not bad.  I was secretly hoping that we'd have more.  But, my clinic only freezes top quality embyros and I guess the rest didn't cut the mustard.

So, combined with our one 32-year old embryo in NJ, we have 3 frozen, good/great quality embryos.

If this cycle doesn't work, we'll have to decide whether we want to do an FET or do another fresh cycle.  I'm inclined to do a fresh cycle in December, if possible, as that would completely suck our current insurance plan dry and then do a frozen in January while we wait for approval from our new insurance company.  I don't know if my clinic would be open to doing a natural FET.  A medicated FET is 2 cycles and they typically end up shutting down my ovaries for a couple of months (aka, no bleed, no ovulation) and I don't really want to take that time out.

Sigh, even as I write all this I get tired.  Maybe, if this cycle doesn't work, just do a last FET with all 3 embryos and be done with this.

Trauma

I am restless.  Ever since the transfer, I have been waking up in the middle of the night, lying in bed, unable to go back to sleep.  Inevitably, after an hour, I get out of bed and end up scouring the Internet to read "multiple ivfer" boards just to scroll through the signatures with people's stories of woe.  4 cycles.  7 cycles.  Beautiful embyros and yet never, never any success to knock some fear back in my heart.  Largely, I have been successful.  I was talking with my close, uber-fertile friend who naively asked if I had any symptoms and when I would take a pregnancy test.  Yes, I told her.  I have a ton of symptoms.  I'm hungry, cranky, exhausted, my nipple tingle, peeing constantly and these symptoms are completely meaningless because I will have them regardless of whether I am pregnant.  I will know I am pregnant if I pee on a stick two weeks post transfer and two lines pop up.

Lately, I can't shake this sense of loss.  Loss of my career.  Loss of the woman I used to be.  The emotionally mature response is to say that I am a newer, better, stronger self.  And, sure, I am.  But, I feel so lost in my career now.  I went from being one of the "high performers" to this drab wall-flower with promotion potential decimated.  It's not something that I couldn't make up for in a couple of years with a lot of hours and maneuvering and hard work.  But, it just feels so....artificial.  I just can't pretend it is something I care about any more.  I also miss my physical aspirations.  I guffaw to think I seriously thought I had a chance of running a 2:50 marathon.  I wanted to run 90 miles a week. 

It seems like my heart just can't hold of anything anymore.  I have no aspirations of any sort now.  Or at least I don't know where to point my ambition.  And, I love my kids, but being a mom is one aspect of my personality.  The only aspect of my life that I have focused my perseverance and hard work on the past few years.  I got lucky in that I can look at my two children and feel that I am accomplished something.  But, I am exhausted from it.  I don't know how to revive the rest of my life and the thought of continuing to live like this, with all other ambition muted seems....empty, scary, isolating?  I can't find the right adjective.

Sigh.  I should go back to sleep.  The combination of waking up in the middle of the night plus drugs is making me a human zombie. 

Who is this girl?

Today we went in for transfer expecting it to be like all the other transfers.  One or two to pick from.  All the others dead.

But, today...they were all still growing.  I didn't memorize the number/cell/grade of each of them, but they were all still in the running and some of them looked very good.  Usually, my clinic would have insisted that we wait until Day 5, but we refused.  Day 3 is all that has worked for us, so we're sticking with it.  We picked the two best embryos, a 7-cell and a compacting 8-cell with 0 fragmentation, both grade 1 (highest grade). 

We will find out out Monday whether they were able to freeze any embryos.

We are trying so very hard to not be hopeful.  To not fall victim to the allure of beautiful embryos and a nearly perfect cycle.  To not look up due dates.  To not think about how crazy it would be to manage three children.  To not wonder if maybe we would have a second boy or girl.  To not think about how different our perspective would be about life should it work out to be so EASY to have another child. 

They cycle that hurt the most was the cycle that we did up in New Jersey with the beautiful hatching blastocysts and the embryologist who told us she couldn't imagine that this cycle wouldn't work.  We hoped.  We were stress-free and elated the entire two week wait.  After the negative, I didn't get out of bed for days.  I had horrible fights with my husband.  I can't let myself fly too high because the fall is too steep and too horrible.  Instead, I will choose this middling place.  I am content with my two children.  It would be interesting, a nice to have, but I will not die or sob in bed or miss any more of my life if this cycle doesn't work.

And so the wait begins.

All 9 Still Growing!

At 48 hours post retrieval, embryos should be 2-4 celled.  Yeah, yeah.  We all know that.

As of 9 o'clock this morning, all 9 embryos are still growing.

I have:
2 3-cells
3 4-cells
2 5-cells
1 6-cell
1 7-cell

So, at least 5 normal embryos.

Transfer is scheduled for 10:30 tomorrow morning.  Think good thoughts!

Why is this happening?  WHO knows!  This is the EXACT same protocol that I did in April 2011 with Baby Girl, which yielded 6 eggs, 4 mature, 2 fertilized.

This ART stuff is freaking insane.

We'll see if there are any take home babies in there.

Mwah!

Best Fertilization Report of ANY Cycle I have Ever Done

15 eggs
10 mature
9 fertilized

AH-Mazing!

We'll see about the progress report tomorrow.  Hoping that we have at least 2 to transfer on Thursday.

I'm trying so hard not to let my excitement get the best of me.  I know what a roller coaster ride this is.  Some great cycles NEVER translate into pregnancies.  Some pregnancies never translate into take home babies.

Are you kidding me?

Retrieval today.

I about screamed when the nurse told me that they got FIFTEEN eggs. I have never gotten a double digit number of eggs! We shall see how many are actually mature. I am hoping that this higher number of eggs will translate into mature eggs and hopefully better fertilization rates than last cycle.

We shall see. Definitely more pain this time.

E2 Up the Wazoo!

On the past 3 antagonist cycles (IVF#6 in September 2012, IVF#5 in April 2011, IVF#4 in February 2011), my E2 peaked at 700-900 and I've typically had 4-6 follicles and only 4-5 mature eggs.  This cycle I have 5-8 follicles and my E2 on CD 12 is 1051.  I really think that I'll get 4-5 mature eggs this cycle.  My E2 peaked at 1400-1500 on the 2 long lupron and 1 microdose lupron flare cycles that I did previously (IVF#1 in Feb 2008, IVF#2 in Aug 2010, IVF#3 in Nov 2010) . 

I'm trying not to get too optimistic about this cycle as I had high E2 on IVF#2 & 3 that never amounted to good quality embryos.

My spirits seem to be pretty good.  I think I've come to accept having only two children and may even prefer it.  One day at a time.  It only took 8 IVF cycles to get this way.....

IVF#7

I've started this post several times.  Never seem to find the right intro.  And, so, I will just begin.

I am on CD 4 of my latest cycle.  I have one follicle that seems a little bigger than the others, which has me worried that we are falling victim to the one potential downfall of the estrogen priming antagonist protocol: a dominant follicle.  But, I have been through this enough to not get freaked out until absolutely necessary.  My E2 levels have been better this cycle (CD3=64; CD5=104), but still not great.  In my head, I'm just thinking that this is game over and that we are going through the motions so that we can tell ourselves later on that we did all we could and have no regrets about it.  I am sad to think that we won't have any more kids, but also feel like I am so lucky to have the two that we do have and so excited to be able to experience all the cool toddler growth stages with Baby Girl again.  I have these fleeting moments with Nugget where I am so in love with him, so engrossed in our fun little interactions, and I am thankful that I can really concentrate on each of my children and really get to explore with them.

Every night I read books with Nugget.  He usually negotiates me up from 3 to 4 or 4 to 5 and I am *such* a sucker.  You wanna read?  SURE!  He's still obsessed with dinosaurs and trucks and I know more about "diggers" and "buckets" and "cranes" (do you know the three main parts of a crane?  I do!) than I ever thought possible.  Then, we go through his alphabet cards.  Of course, the only letters he can remember are "N" for "Nugget" and "P" for "PooPoo."  After the alphabet cards, we have a couple of rounds of "Mommy Pizza" where he lays on top of me and pretends to eat me (weird, I know).  Then, we snuggle.  Then, I kiss him and he compulsively puts my kisses in his pocket.  Then, I whisper: "You are my special boy" and he whispers back "You are my special Mommy."  And, that's my absolute favorite time of day with him.  The rest of the day is a series of negotiations and dramatic fights over how awful a mommy I am to make him wear clothes, go to the bathroom, eat at the table, go to school, etc.  Also thrown in are a couple of excruciating boring games of "rescue Mommy and Grandma and Baby Girl and Nana and Gramps from the fire."  A few rounds of "swim away from the shark" in the basement.  And, some cute brother and sister play in which Baby Girl wraps her hands around her big brother's face and tries to suck on his nose.

In other news, I have been injured all freaking month and totally unable to exercise...which SUCKS.  I went back into running/exercise a little too hard core after taking off for IVF#6 in September.  For a couple of days, I couldn't even walk up and down stairs, so I am thankful at least to be able to move around comfortably in every day life.  I hate to think of how out of shape I am and how much weight I am going to gain with the wonderful combination of no exercise, IVF, and all the upcoming food holidays.  I know I'll dig myself out of it...but sometimes I daydream about just stopping IVF so that I can have control of my body again and can start progressing toward some fitness goals.  In the end, though, I know that said fitness goals are empty and won't give me the satisfaction I think they will.

My sister seems to be doing OK.  The outpatient program she is in is pretty intense.  I do worry, though, that I have NO IDEA what is really going on in her head.  We seemed to have moved out of crisis zone, though, and my parents have really been wonderful in helping her out and not saying judgemental things.

My husband's company is still being sued, but we don't know if it will actually come to fruition.  It does seem to be on more solid ground, though....which opens up the possibility of me quiting my job and really "burning the ships" to ensure that I figure out this career stuff.

Hope you all are well!!

The Unspoken Contract

This past week has been a cluster.

The negative.
Then my husband found out he's getting sued and this whole 5-year contract might be falling through and all the opportunity and hope that went with it is slowly waning.

And, then my sister tried to commit suicide.

Wednesday was her birthday.  I sent her a cute little card and exchanged emails with her.  She's been complaining non-stop about her life lately, so I didn't call her. I couldn't stand to hear her say one more time about how sad she is that she isn't going to "get" to have any more children (because she's decided that two is enough and she doesn't want to be pregnant again), or how much she hates her body after her twin pregnancy, or how she feels like her career is off track.  Because, from my perspective, she doesn't have the *right* to complain about these things to me. I can objectively see that these are things that would upset someone, but don't complain about them to your sister that had to go through many, many rounds of IVF to get pregnant and feels her own career is lost after spending 6 years focusing on fertility treatments. 

I say all these things because I feel defensive about why I didn't call her and why I have been distancing myself from her for the past two and a half years.  She doesn't appreciate what she has been given and she regularly complains to me about it and it fucking pisses me off.  I say this because I have been dealing with her anorexia, bulimia, depression, and alcoholism for the past 15 years and I'm tired of it.

What I didn't recognize about my sister is that she is not a tragically weak human with little self awareness, but rather a woman with a mental disorder than can't see truth because her brain won't let her.  She has a problem and no amount of therapy or drugs or self reflection will fix it.

And, I love her.  I can hate her.  I can be sick of her problems.  But, the fact of the matter is that she is my sister and I can't help but love her.  I know her in intimate ways that other people just can't.  I know the face she makes when she has to go to the bathroom. I know when she is manic.  I know the subtext underneath everything she says.  I know that the way my parents raised us has fucked her up (all of us really).  I know that she hates herself and wishes she could be different.  I know she feels guilty asking for help.  I know why she feels guilty asking for help. 

Seeing her in the hospital--her body covered in bruises from her rolling veins and IVs, the patchwork network of scabs on her legs and arms that she picks compulsively when she's anxious, the constant tapping of her shaking fingers from the remnants of drugs leaving her body-- and my heart just broke.  I don't know how to stop her from hating herself.

I also feel so helpless.  I can call her every day.  But, she lies.  She's not honest about what's happening.  She didn't tell me that she's been drinking 36-40 oz of hard liquor a day.  She didn't tell me that she tried to kill herself two weeks ago.  That she's been going to AA meeting again.  She gets violently angry when you say the wrong thing.  She's selfish and self-centered.  She just talks about herself.  It's not an equitable friendship.  It hasn't been for years.  I can sometimes accept it and other times...I get so angry with her.

She's out of the hospital now.  She's in outpatient treatment for alcoholism.  I'm calling her every day.  But, I don't know what else to do/say.  I've asked whether the outpatient treatment program has a support group for family members or some sort of training for family members on how to deal with this.  This is just out of my league.  I don't know what to do. 

You never think about the unspoken contract you have with the people you love.  You never think to say before you hang up the phone: "don't kill yourself, OK?"  You don't think it's a trust that you have until it is broken.

Negative

I would like to say I handled it well.

I didn't cry at first.  As my heart pounded in my mouth and my quivering hands tried to open the pregnancy test, I kept warning myself...do not hope...do not hope.  Only one line appeared.  I have taken this damn test enough to know that if the second line doesn't appear immediately, it's not going to come.  My daughter was crying faintly in the background, so I threw away the test, picked her up and headed downstairs to play with Baby Girl and read the paper.  Two hours passed without a tear.

And then...the rage... the anger...the bitterness.  I picked a nice fight with my husband over buying new shoes for my son.  The day was ruined.  I cried for hours.  I went on a 9.5 mile run.  Took a nap because I was exhausted from crying.  Went to the grocery store.  A walking human zombie.

I hate this.  I try to not hate my life.  I have so much to be thankful for.  But, I am so fucking bitter to be doing this again.  Why can't I let this third baby go and just be done?

I remember this place

They say that deja vu is just a misfiring of neurons, that synapses are connected in a way that makes us think that we have been to a place before, met someone before, etc. This space I am in, this waiting space, is a place that feels so familiar.  Today I am organizing all my IVF files, again.  Writing up my medical history, again.  Hoping that some doctor will be my oracle, again.

We received some good financial news this week.  My husband has won some work that will provide us with a steady stream of work for 5 years and will be in addition to his full time salary.  Of course, the first place that my mind wanders about hearing of this boon is to think that maybe we should scrap our local clinics and head up to Mecca at Weiss Cornell Center for Reproduce Medicine and try out their co-culture.  Without insurance coverage, this would cost us $18-19,000.  The figure just makes me gasp.  Can we do this again?  We've already spent $70,000 on the two children we already have.  This cycle was $8,000 down the drain (I know, I've already given up hope).  How far do we want to fall down this rabbit hole?

I've developed a plan: I am going to take a HPT on Sunday and when I get the negative (most likely), I am going to go for a 10 mile run and then I am going to go to Crossfit for three days in a row and beat my poor little body to a pulp.  Then, I will put on my big girl panties and gear up for IVF #7 using the estrogen priming protocol, hoping for a cycle in November.  In the interim, I am trying to get everything set up for a cycle in December/January at Cornell.  This is freaking madness, people.

1 9-cell, 15% fragmentation

Today we transferred 1 9-cell with 15% fragmentation, grade 2.  Not great, but not awful. 

We're calling him "Tag" as in "Tag, you're it."

Not Growing

Embryo is not growing.  They will check on it tomorrow, but it is not looking good.  I am devastated.  I didn't think I would be.  What was I thinking?

Only One

5 eggs. 4 mature.  Only 1 fertilized.  I had that deep ache in the pit of my belly when I got this news.  So much for ambivalence.  No tears, though.  We'll see if we have anything to transfer on Thursday.  Fuck.

Tardy Eggs

Well, they decided to push back my retrieval to today because my E2 levels just weren't rising enough.  They got 5 eggs.  We find out tomorrow how many fertilized.  I'm hoping for at least 2.  We'll see.

There is something about doing IVF again for the first cycle back in the saddle that isn't so scary, is more hopeful.  I liken it to how we felt when we did the first clomid cycle after Nugget.  I was hopeful.  I really thought we had figured out the problem and that we would actually get pregnant without IVF.  I was excited to get started.

I know that it is false hope in that it was freaking miserable getting pregnant the last time...but this time I am going in with the expectation that it's going to take a long time and it may not even work.  That if we are able to have another child it is a "bonus" child.  As in I already feel so lucky to have my two kids.  I'm sure my emotions will change if/when I get another negative pregnancy test.  But, right now, I'll live with my ambiguity.  Happiness that it might work.  Sadness that it might not.  I am NOT going to let myself get depressed again.

Look at my Big Girl!

Other big news: we have a crawler!!!

Retrieval on Sunday; Transfer on Wednesday

E2 is still pretty low (479 for those that care).  Only 3 good looking follicles right now...2 bigger than 20 mm as of today, which has me worried that we are waiting until Sunday to retrieve.  But, that's what the RE wants to do.  The right ovary never responded. 

Since I've not told anyone about this stealth cycle (with the exception of people that I had to...either they saw the drugs in the fridge or were visiting on a weekend when I had monitoring), I'm going to have to lie to my boss about where I am on Wednesday, which is causing me some anxiety.  Part of me wants to come clean to my boss, but the other part of me just doesn't want anyone from work knowing my personal business.  I was very open with work when TTC for #1 and #2...but this time...I just don't want my failure out there.

I guess that's what I've been struggling with mostly:  I feel like a failure.  Particularly compared to the other siblings in my family.  Granted, I have very different values than they do...I wanted to get a graduate degree and travel and live someplace other than the town I grew up in...and I really didn't want to be like my mother.  I didn't want to NOT have a life other than my children.  Oh, how my haughtiness taunts me now.  If only I had known that being a mother was going to be such an arduous journey because I decided to delay it in pursuit of self realization.  And now I find myself more lost than ever.  Sigh.

But, I have my two gorgeous babies.  They ground me in moments where I find myself reeling with regret or anger at my own stupidity in major life decisions.

I fear these posts are becoming rambling tautologies.  I have little time to reflect during my full days or polish my writing, but I want to get these emotions and fears out.

I have run a couple of times this cycle.  Am a little too paranoid to do any long or hard workouts and lamenting how soft I feel I've become in the past two weeks.  I'll pick it up again, but damn, cycling is annoying.

Still in the Running

E2 came in at 181 today, so there's been some progression.  We're following 3 decent sized follicles on the left side, with 2-3 others that are measurable.  The right side isn't responding and has no measurable follicles.  So, that's great.  It's not over yet.

Today I found out that my youngest sister (I have 2) is pregnant.  It is resurfacing all sorts of emotions.  Angry that I was the only sibling that had to struggle with this (because life is fair and we should have the same amount of strife in all our lives, right?).  Upset that I am the only sibling to have children "late" in life...I feel like a failure.  Why didn't I try to have children sooner?  What was I waiting for?  I'm sure I will feel happy for her, but it just feels like another reminder that I'm different and this isn't something that is easy for us.  I said all the right things.  I told her I was happy for her.  I told her they'd be great parents.  I was a good sister even though I was silently crying.  Man, these drugs make everything harder.

Nope

Not better. E2 of 66. Only 2 measurable follicles. Go back on Sunday. Eating too much banan chocolate gelato and pizza and drinking too much wine. (jeez, you'd really think I have some sort of unhealthy relationship with comfort food from reading this blog.....haha!).

I'm sad and scared about what this means for my chances of success....trying to hold myself back from worry until the fat lady sings.

Ovaries Not Responding

After 3 days of stims (Sunday night, Monday morning & night, Tuesday morning & night, Wednesday morning) at the maximum dosage (450 follistim, 150 menopur) my E2 levels were only 34.  VERY low.  Of course, I immediately freak out...try googling low estrogen during stimming and all signs point to cancelling the cycle.  I try to figure out what I am doing that is causing the low response: am I running too much? Is my body weight too low (with a BMI of around 19 I would guess)? Did the BCP suppress me too much?  Have my ovaries officially closed up shop?  After an hour of internet research and frantic emails to friends, I reminded myself that this sort of "sky is falling" attitude isn't going to get me anywhere.  What will be, will be.  I will just have to wait until my next monitoring session on Friday to see if things progress or if they want to cancel the cycle.  I have to let myself off the hook for being able to impact the outcome of ART cycles.  Easier said than done.  Right now...I am fighting the urge to go look for success stories.  But, even looking at all my prior cycles, my E2 levels have NEVER been this low.  It's not good.  It's not good at all.

Unadulterated skin

It seems like nothing. The slow wait for the needle to finally make a solid perforation in the skin and to push down the syringe, watching the medicine disappear into my flesh. It has been only a little more then a year since I last administered myself a shot. I'm quite efficient at it, no longer hesitating in anticipation of the pain. I know by now that there is no avoiding the prick of the needle piercing the skin and I should just suck it up and get it over with.

And so today it begins again.  I had a great antral follicle count of 12....which is good for my prematurely ancient ovaries. I found myself wanting to tell the nurses in a bragging sort of way...this is my 6th fresh cycle...I could do this in my sleep...but who wants to brag about that?  Someone insecure? Someone wanting validation? Someone not wanting to be one of the women in the waiting room anxious about the process? Someone who accepts and knows the process, no hand holding or coddling necessary?

It is so so different this time. I know and accept it probably won't happen. I'm still wrapped in bliss with my beautiful baby girl and so immersed in enjoying her open-mouthed kisses and belly laughs that I don't yet have to face the thought of no more baby toes.

Judgy McJudgerson

After a nail biting weekend waiting for the results of the MRI, I was irritated to learn that my results came back higher than normal, but still below the threshold indicating that I have adenomyosis. I was relieved that I didn’t have to endure months of treatments and possibly surgery to deal with adenomyosis…but I really wish my doctor could have just told me this over the phone last Thursday rather than making me wait until Monday AND having me drive to the clinic (1.5 hour round-trip) to deliver the results in person. Given that I have limited time at work, I hate to give up 3 hours of work to go to an unnecessary doctor appointment.


So, this means that I can start my 6th IVF cycle as soon as I get my period after I finish my pills on Thursday.

I have told not a soul…just you all on the internet…that I am doing a cycle. When we were first debating whether we would do another cycle, I tried talking about it with some close friends, but they expressed strong opinions. Some thought that 3 kids was too many, too excessive. Others were concerned about how hard this process was to get Baby Girl and didn’t want to see me get lost in the morass of IVF again. They want to know WHY I want to do this again and are worried that I am doing it just because I am stubborn or want to beat infertility or just don’t know how to NOT do IVF. I wish I could say that these were not possible truths about me. But, they are. I also know that we love having kids and don’t want to have regrets about not trying for a third. I have a million reasons not to try for another. I am just starting to hit some good (not great) paces at the track. I don’t know how I would manage a career switch with 3 kids or even a career at all. I just can’t think about it. I’m such a planner…always thinking about everything. But, I’m sick of it. I’m just going to try and see what happens. Maybe after 1 cycle, I’ll think I’ve done enough, tried enough, and am really ready to move forward with my life rather than being in this waiting place. Maybe after 1 cycle, I’ll realize how much I want another child and that I am willing to put my body and family through IVF as many times as necessary to have a third child (biological or not).

I will tell you that these past few weeks on hormones has not been fun. And, the I’m slowly started to be weighed down by this process, the appointments, the fear, etc. I’ve spend the past 5 days spending as much time on the couch as possible as I just don’t have the physical and emotional energy to do much else. I’ve resumed comfort eating, which I did when cycling before. Lots of grilled cheese sandwiches, hot dogs, carbs, ice-cream. I just don’t have the appetite for leafy vegetables or cooking or thinking about cooking. Don’t know whether that is a symptom of the drugs or just melancholy.

I have decided, though, not to tell anyone. Not my mother. Not my friends (except for my bloggy friends!). I am not going to deal with their doubts as well as my own. For the first time in my life, I really don’t feel the need to gather opinions about what I should do. I’m making this choice on my own. This is my life.

Never Count Your Chickens Before They Hatch: Adenomyosis

Well, today sucked.

HSG and mock transfer.

HSG indicated that I may have adenomyosis, a condition in which endometrial tissue, which normally lines the uterus, is present within and grows into the muscular walls of the uterus.  It's found in women who have had children, can cause problems with implantation, and is linked with infertility.

For f*ck's sake.  I'd just like to go into the RE for once and not leave with another new diagnosis that even further diminishes my chances of having any more children.

I'm trying to keep perspective.  I thought endometritis was going to end up being a big deal.  Turns out I only had a mild, treatable case. 

I have to get an MRI as a secondary diagnostic to see if I really have it.

Overall, I have this deep, sinking feeling...as if the clouds of depression and futility are gathering around me.  I realize this is an emotion and that my emotions will change.  I'm treating it with copious amounts of chocolate and sulking on the couch today.  Pity parties aren't that much fun.  Boo.

Insurance Surprise!

Yesterday I got a surprising phone call from my insurance company...they decided to waive my Day 3 bloodwork requirements for this first cycle of IVF.  I couldn't believe it.  I wrestled with them for 3 months over Day 3 bloodwork requirements during Summer 2010 after my FET when my body just would. not. ovulate. and my crappy RE refused to do anything about it (no HCG, no provera, no BCP).  So....this means I will be starting a cycle August 24th.  Crazy, right?  I'm going up to be spending Friday at the clinic doing all sorts of fun things: HSG, mock transfer, financial forms, dropping off my husbands S.A., and maybe even an endometrial biopsy.  Woot woot!  What better way to spend a Friday?

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I've been having lots of conversations with myself that go like this:
Counselor Self: How do you feel about doing IVF again?  Are you sure that you can handle the failure? Are you sure that you WANT 3 kids?
Denial Self: Stop talking about it.  More action, less thinking. 
Negative Self: Like it's going to work in the first place.  This is like the time we obsessively researched twins and active twin pregnancies when we were convinced that we would get twins out of that FET.  Worry about it when it's an issue.
Mommy Self: Aren't you a little worried that you won't be able to pay enough attention to the two blessings you already have? Baby Girl is still so little.  What if you do end up getting pregnant and short-change Baby Girl?
Career-focused Self: Um, hello?  What about me?  You are JUST starting to get back on track in terms of having your head in the game and determining whether you want to pursue a new career or make the most of the one you have.  WHAT are you going to do with all your ambition if you have THREE kids?
Superficial Self: You are not doing this to me again. Have you noticed how saggy your breasts and tummy are despite being fit?  What exactly do you think is going to happen if you have another kid?  You might as well start buying training bras because those are the only ones that are going to fit if you are able to have a third kid.  Hello double A's...here we come!  Plus, you are too OLD to have another kid.  You will be the oldest mom at daycare/kindergarten/graduation/etc.
Running Self: Aw, man!  We are JUST starting to find our speed again and you are going to put us on the bench again.  Don't you LOVE being at the track with your running friends again?  Don't you want to train for races again?  I know you don't think you have any chance at OTQ, but you are really sealing the deal by having another kid at your age.

I wish I could make them all shut up.

Provera Fail

I should know better than to assume that my body would react to Provera like it did the last time.  I patiently waited the 2 weeks for my period to come after stopping Provera.  I felt crampy. I thought I saw a twinge of pink in my cervical mucus.  But, nope.  No period.  An ultrasound showed that I didn't have a lead follicle about to burst and my lining was only 4mm.

Soooo, we have to figure out another way to bring on my period because my insurance (stupidly) requires that I have Day 3 bloodwork.  Even though they KNOW that I'm going to end up doing IVF because of my husband's male factor and that my FSH levels were only 6.9 19 months ago...so likely haven't changed drastically.  It's a stupid hoop to jump through when they know I'm going to be eligible in the long run.  If on the long chance that they do let me proceed with IVF despite not having Day 3 bloodwork, my RE has agreed to let me try a protocol that will start stimming me after completing 2 weeks of BCPs.  I did estrogen priming on Ju Ju Bean's cycle with an estrogen patch, so it makes me a little anxious to think about doing a cycle differently than what was previously successful.....BUT see prior statement about how the body reacts differently every time.

My mentality going into IVF this time is that it's just going to take a bunch of cycles if it even works at all.  I need to get started as soon as possible, though, to maximize my insurance coverage.  I have THREE cycles covered 50% under my current insurance plan and I would like to use at least TWO of them before the end of the year.  Then I can switch insurance plan to another plan that will also allow me THREE cycles covered 50%.  I'm not thrilled about having to switch to this new plan because I'd have to change all my doctors (except my RE, thankfully), but...I am grateful that I have the option of having 5-6 cycles covered at 50%.  This is huge and we are lucky.

Stepping back from going through the motions of IVF treatment...it is all too familiar to me...the planing, the dealing with insurance companies, the talking to nurses, the appointments.  It's almost as if I don't know how to live my life else wise.  As if I just compulsively need to get going again.  It's more comfortable to be doing this than it is to just accept that we are not going to try any more.  I'm too afraid of regrets...which is probably something that I should look into a little more than just gloss over it and move forward.

******************
I've been going pretty consistently to the track.  For a while, it has been a safe place where I don't have to talk to other mothers or hear people planning about having babies or even really talk about being a mom if I didn't want to. Apparently, there were a rash of fast female runners from my running group that got pregnant and recently had babies.  I had Baby Girl about 6 months earlier than most of them.  You would think that I would be excited to have so many comrades in the "tired eyes mommy phase" that "got" how hard it was to pull myself out of bed at 5:30 after getting up multiple times in the night...but I hate it.  They are all complaining about how "out of shape" they are despite still being faster than me.  I am *still* not running as fast as I was after having Nugget.  Which doesn't bother me most of the time.  I know that these women didn't have any problems getting pregnant.  They didn't have to take 2 years (I know, a measly 2 years) off of training.  They got knocked up accidentally or easily while having BMIs of 16 and running 90 miles a week.  And, their life is just playing out exactly as they planned.  I am so jealous it makes me want to throw up.  I'm sure I will get over it.  But, they just seem so proud and self-righteous about how awesome they are to be coming back to the track and still hitting such great times.  In my head, I think...yeah...just see how you'd be doing if you had to take 2 years off.  Jealousy is an evil little b*tch.

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And, HSG on Friday.  Funtimes. 

I'll end this post on a positive note with Baby Girl's 6 month picture that I love (she's nearly 8 months, though!).  It's worth it.  It's worth it.  It's worth it.

Innocuous Little Pill

After hemming and hawing, I finally started my progesterone pills.  I was supposed to be 100% weaned, but from my research, I couldn’t find negative affects for short-term usage of progesterone.  I figured that if I was only nursing baby girl 2-3 times a day that the impact would be minimal.  It’s probably terrible to admit this.  It’s the truth.  And, it’s my choice.  I finished the pills two weeks ago, but still haven’t gotten my period.  With Nugget, they ended up having to give me an HCG shot to make me ovulate after taking progesterone.  I’m going into the Big Clinic tomorrow to get an ultrasound and bloodwork to figure out what is going on.

It seemed like nothing...taking the little pill.  But, it is a step in a direction, the slow gathering of momentum before we go hurtling down the infertility rabbit hole again.  I am still ambivalent.   I still keep thinking and dealing with attempting for another child and all the feelings of defeat that infertility involves up on a shelf in the back of my brain.  I don't want to delve too deeply into it until necessary.

Otherwise?  I’m tired.  This 2 parents working with 2 kids in 2 different day cares is exhausting.  I hate how little time I get to spend with my kids.  I have Fridays off, but I usually end up going to doctor’s appointments, running errands, doing chores,and other general life maintenance stuff since my husband doesn’t have time for any of those sort of things.  I’m managing to fit in 2-4 hours a week of studying for the GREs, which I am supposed to take in early September.  I’m starting teleworking this week and hope that brings some relief from our insane schedule.  I am not happy being this busy.  I long for the days of my maternity leave where I could plan out a nice meal every night and take time just to giggle with baby Girl.  I dream about being a stay-at-home mom, but don’t know if that would bring me happiness.  I think I just need to accept that life is busy, I am perpetually tired, and there isn’t enough time to enjoy the kiddos.

Nugget is changing in so many ways. I tell myself that I will be able to remember all the cute little anecdotes about him, but I worry that I won’t.  He’s lately obsessed with putting on costumes.  Except…he has to be fully nude before putting on a new costume.  So, he’ll dress up as a pirate.  Strip down naked. Dress up as a knight wearing just a sword, shield, and helmet running around the house without anything else on.  I’ll often happen up him lying on the floor motionless.  He’ll whisper: “I dead” as I pass him.  15 minutes later he's still just laying there.  Some mornings when I go to wake him he’ll already be fully attired in his “bad guy” costume, ready for battle.  His language has improved significantly.  He’s start mimicking everything I say, repeating it back to me without knowing what he’s saying.  “Yeah, the bill is going to be late.”  Or “Yeah, the turkey’s not done.”  Or other such phrases which seem too serious or inappropriate for such a small person to say.  He’s also grown at least four inches.  He’s become a bundle of angles.  He no longer wants me to kiss him, but welcomes licking.  He frequently picks his nose and wipes it on things.  When I tell him not to wipe his buggers on the dojo, or the sofa, or the park bench, he’ll respond: “I like buggers.” As if that is a reasonable justification for wiping them on anything he pleases.

Baby Girl is still the most smilingist (that's a word, right?) baby, but is not as happy as she once was.  She’s getting frustrated that she can’t manipulate things the way she would like.  I think as she becomes more mobile she will be happier.  She doesn’t show any signs of crawling soon, but her fine motor skills are progressing.  She can pick up small objects like a cheerio or a raisin and put them in her mouth.  She LOVES eating.  She eats 1-2 level 2 cartons of food at every meal.  She’s only drinking 6-12 ounces of milk at day care.  I worry that she’s not as smiley as she used to be because people aren’t interacting with her enough at daycare.  But, then we'll have a brilliant morning cuddling in bed and I will assume again that all is right with the world.

As for me, I’m happy, I’m stressed.  But, I’m feeling like I’ve come to an angle of repose about my life.  It just is what it is.  I’m an older parent than I thought I’d be.  I don’t have a career that is as fulfilling as I’d like it to be.  I wish we had a little more space in our house. But, I’m surviving.  I have my two interesting, individual kids.  I have good friends, I like my husband, I like where we live.  I’m very happy with my body right now.  I’m still not running at the same paces I used to hit, but I’ve been doing Crossfit and I have to say that I LOVE the changes I’m seeing in my body.  I have abdominal definition (despite the mummy tummy).  I have biceps.  I weigh more than I did pre-IVF, but I am fitting into all my “skinny” clothes.  I’m attributing the additional weight to the new muscles I’ve found.  And, well, it's good enough.  I just don't have the time or the space in my head to care more about it.

Most of all, I have faith that I will figure out a way to make more balance in our life.  That I will eventually figure out a more fulfilling career.  That regardless of what happens in these upcoming IVF cycles that my life will be good and I will be happy.  I can only hope that I hold on to this perspective.

Do I REALLY want to do this again?

A Photo from Ic.eland

I'll refrain from starting another blog post after a month hiatus begging forgiveness for my lack of commenting and blogging.  I have much to update.  We've been to Ic.eland (GO THERE!) and it was great.  Baby Girl is full of laughs and giggles and sitting on her own.  Nugget is a little pistol that's recently found whining and has decided that monsters, pirates, and bad guys are no longer fun, but scary.  I've started back to work and am working Monday thru Thursday.  I use Friday as my "figuring out what I want to do with my life" day to conduct informational interviews, study for the GREs, and obsessively research mid-career change on the internet.

And, I've started to wean Baby Girl.  It is emotional.  It feels wrong.  But, it is happening.  I only pump one time at work, but Baby Girl is eating two times while at daycare.  I still nurse her in the mornings and evenings.  She refuses to eat from a bottle on the weekends, so this is hampering progress a bit.  But, I'm going to only pump once a day while at work until she starts drinking from a bottle for us.  Then, I'll only nurse her in the morning and the evening.  And, eventually, my milk will dry up.

Today I went to my RE clinic to have bloodwork and an ultrasound.  My period still hasn't come....although I haven't expected it to given that we had to use drugs to induce my period at 14 months post Nugget.  My antral follicle count was 9, so it was reassuring that my numbers haven't dropped drastically in the past 14 months.

I don't know if I want to do this again.  I don't know if I want a 3rd kid.  I know that I don't want to have regrets about not trying for a 3rd kid.  I know that I love having my two beautiful children and feel that our family is complete regardless of what happens with additional cycles.  So, I think we will use the last 2 cycles that we have covered 50% by insurance and, if we don't get pregnant, reassess as to whether we would like to continue.  The good news is that my husband got a job, so that takes a bit of the financial strain off.  It was a little crazy to think about having to spend $15,000/cycle for IVF when my husband was out of work.

Where Have I Been?

I've been chasing butterflies in the park with my son.

I've been tapering and then running a half marathon (1:26:22 for those that care).

I've been visiting with old friends and their special babies.

I've been trying trying trying to convince my baby girl that she really likes the bottle better than the boob and failing.

I've been hoping as I tuck my little boy into bed that he'll say "Lay down to me" and sighing as I walk away because he no longer asks.

I've been trying to get myself accustomed to waking up early in the morning, putting on my make-up, and heading into the office.

I've been preparing for our big trip to Iceland (woot! woot!).

I've been feeling like a failure at work and wondering how I managed to let the past 12 years of my professional life slip away without REALLY figuring out what I want to do.

I've been studying for the GRE's and doing informational interviews with people.

I've been enjoying lots of time with my husband.

I've been so happy.

I've felt so insecure.

I've wanted to write.

I've wanted to comment on other people's blogs.

I've been trying to wrap my head around IVF again.

I've been drinking too much wine and eating too much peanut butter.

I've been cherishing my beautiful, amazing miracle baby and missing each passed day as she gets older.

Advocacy

I was supposed to go advocate for RESOLVE on the Hill today.  But, since JuJuBean refuses a bottle, I can't be away from her for a day.  I feel really passionately about it and would have loved to participate.

But, the thing is...I can't get myself to open up about our experience with infertility to those outside my inner circle.  I don't understand my ambivalence. I see friends posting on FB about NIAW and I can't bring myself to post anything.

To quote Emily Dickinson, it feels:

"How public – like a Frog – 
To tell one's name – the livelong June – 
To an admiring Bog!"

Perhaps this is more a function of the range of people I am friends with on FB? If I posted on FB, I would be letting work colleagues and casual high school friends and ex-boyfriends, etc. know about my infertility.

The truth is:  I'm deeply embarrassed.  That it took us five cycles of IVF to conceive our daughter seems somehow TOO infertile to share with the world.  In my mind, one or two cycles is your garden-variety infertility.  A little bump in the road.  But, FIVE cycles?  Wow.  You're REALLY infertile.  You're REALLY a failure if you had to go through that much IVF to get pregnant.  It would feel like shouting to the world: come look at our freak show sex life.  All you NORMAL people can have sex to have babies, but we had to involve a menagerie of doctors and embryologists and drugs and procedures to get knocked up.  I don't want to expose our personal, private struggle to the world.  I don't want acquaintances to look askance at us and think "those poor infertile people."  I wonder if people will think: they must have been too old or she must have run too much.  I realize I am perpetuating misguided and inaccurate perceptions by not educating people about infertility.  Why am I not willing to put myself out there?  Why won't I make a stand for something I believe in? 

I've talked to my husband about it and he thinks that we just don't want to go back to the IVF cave and all the darkness it entailed.  But, do we ever really leave all that behind us?  I still cringe when people make innocuous jokes about "keeping [their] legs crossed so [they] don't get knocked up," etc. 

I think I just don't have the strength of spirit to put myself out there.  Which isn't a quality to admire. 

Why have I, the queen of over-sharing, become so private?

Opinions and public flogging acceptable.

Conception

A year ago yesterday, my precious little girl was either a 7-cell or 8-cell embryo that was transferred into me.

I post this picture here because it is a special, private moment with her, happily nursing.  For the past year, I have sustained her either in my womb or via my breast milk.  What a difference a year makes.

What a difference two years makes...this time two years ago, I ran a marathon and hung up my running shoes to begin the IVF process.

I wonder where I will be a year from now.  Will I be pregnant again?  Will I have failed in our attempt for a third child?  Will I have wished I had weaned my daughter sooner?  Will I be quitting my job to change careers?  After the precipice of this next month and my husband no longer having a job, I have no idea where I will be.  It's scary to have no sense of the future...but at the same time it is centering.  All I know is this day.


Two great things happened today:
1. I had an AMAZING 15.6 mile run.  I felt strong.  I felt light.  I have no idea how fast I ran, but it was the first long run post-partum where I finished feeling great rather than completely spent.
2. I bought 4 GRE books.  Regardless of the unknowns, I am confident that I will have to take the GREs at some point in the next 5 years, so why not now?  Change begins with small steps and I am slowly making them to the future unknown.

A Trip to the ER

On Friday, my husband started having chest pains.

My husband who only goes to doctors when symptoms have reached some critical state which cannot be ignored.

We're sitting down, finally relaxing with respective glasses of wine after putting the kids to bed, when he leans over his knees, gasping. He tells me he can't catch his breath.

Commence Internet research.

We tried to find something, anything on the Internets which would indicate that this is not a Major Situation. All decision trees lead to Go To The ER Immediately.

So, at 9:30, we frantically call my sister-in-law and ask her to come watch the kids.

We spend the next four hours in the hospital. Getting EKG tests, blood tests, pokes and prods.

Summation: anxiety.

No indication of a heart attack or a blood clot or anything else that might have caused the pain.

Two weeks into No Job status and we're both hyperventilating a little. Wanting for a safety net. Considering canceling summer vacation plans. Trying to figure out how long our money will last. If we can afford fertility treatments. If we can afford another kid. If I need to go back to work full-time and immediately.

But, I will take this Unknowing over the Unknowing we faced this time last year. As irritating as it is not to know what life holds for us in six months, the big questions are answered. Will I get to experience pregnancy again? Will my son get to be a brother? The small questions can be answered later. Will I get to reboot my career? Will we get to move into a house that doesn't turn into a sauna in the summer due to lack of insulation and crappy air conditioning?

I have to remind myself that the smaller questions aren't as important. And, to not feel sorry for myself for hitting a rough patch again. It's so easy to slip down into the mire of depressed attitude about all of this. Get back up and start the good fight again.

RE Again

I went to the clinic where we had success on our last cycle. I can't say that I love the RE...but we got pregnant and I think they have the best lab locally...and I have two more cycles covered by insurance at said clinic...so, I'm going back to him. He gives pat, succinct answers and really doesn't explain WHY or HOW he reached the decision that he did. As an aside, it seems to me that he has a knee-jerk assessment of our treatment plan and doesn't really THINK about things.

My RE says I need to stop breastfeeding NOW and get started on a cycle as soon as possible as time is not on my side. I'm turning 34 in two weeks. With diminished ovarian reserve....this is more like turning 44. He says that it will take 4-6 weeks after I stop breastfeeding to get my period. Or, I might not get my period and they would have to give me Provera for 10-14 days to bring on my period. Then, they'd have to do Day 3 bloodwork, another HSG, another semen analysis, and infectious disease testing again. Then, he could start me on the estrogen patch for estrogen priming and the next cycles I could do IVF. That whole process could take 12-16 weeks for me even to GET to the start line for IVF. Which is why he thinks we should get started NOW.

I hate my body. Hate it. Hate it for being such a failure. Hate it for giving me these crappy ovaries. Hate it for causing me to spend the past five and a half years worrying about and trying to get pregnant. I look in the mirror at my wrinkles and feel so ashamed that I am so old and trying to get pregnant. This wasn't the plan. I was supposed to be a "youngish" mother. I hate that my sucky body may be causing me to not provide my daughter with the time and nurturing she needs through breastfeeding.

Sometimes I think I should just stop trying while I am ahead. I have two beautiful children that fill me up. Last night, I sat in the rocking chair nursing my little girl and reading bedtime stories to my little boy and I felt so happy and full. They are these two beautiful little human beings. With two, I have the time to get to know each of them, to spend time on them and indulge their interests. I worry that with three I'll be spread too thin and won't be able to give them the attention they need.

And, my heart ACHES when I think about stopping breastfeeding. It's not even a possibility at this point as baby girl REFUSES to take a bottle. Yes, we've tried five different bottles. We've tried me feeding her. My husband feeding her. I've left the house and basically STARVED her. But, baby girl LOVES the boob and won't take anything else.

I know everything seems SO IMPORTANT right now...when a couple of years from now it won't matter so much if she was breastfed for four months or six months or twelve months. But, right now...I feel like I want to concentrate on the baby I have versus some baby that I could possibly have...but likely not. I need a paradigm shift.

Sigh.

Never on Solid Ground

Today we learned that my husband's contract was being pulled and that he is only going to be paid through the end of the month. Then he's out of work.

Thankfully, we're always expecting the worst and have six months savings. I have faith that he'll be able to find more work or a new job. I'm not sure how long it will take and what cost saving/revenue producing measures we'll have to take to get us through...but...

I'm embarrassed to admit that my initial response to hearing this news was to cry. To feel sorry for myself and our family...
To think that jeez...just when we start feeling awesome about life, the rug gets pulled out from under us.

I know that ultimately we'll be fine.

But, I felt sad that what I hoped would be an amazing six months (unpaid) maternity leave where I could just luxuriate in the bliss of my happy baby and solely focus on getting back in shape, finishing up some home decorating projects, and enjoying life after the sucky suck of the past few years. My husband insists that I can still take six months off (I have three more months!), but I'm not sure I can enjoy myself while I'm stressing out about whether we have enough money to tide us over until he finds more work. And, I guess this puts my master plan of pursuing another career on the way back burner. I'm also not sure how we will be able to afford fertility treatments again if he doesn't land some work ASAP. I guess we could push that off until he has a job...but again...with my diminished ovarian reserve time is of the essence.

I feel like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum. I wish life could be struggle-free and someone else could worry about money and jobs and all that stuff. I guess I felt like life should be easy for us...at least for a little while...But, there is no karmic arbiter that balances out rough times with good times.

Tonight we went to the park with my son. We fought with stick "swords." We laughed as my husband wore bunny ears. A dear friend dropped off some flowers and a warm hug. Baby Girl spent the evening laughing and flirting with us. We may not have a job right now...but we have so much more that matters.

Time Flies By

And then my precious girl was 3 months old. I seriously could stare at this picture for hours on end. It just melts my heart. My husband told me I am obsessed. He even caught me looking at it in the middle of the night after a feeding. I just keep thinking...this time last year...you were an egg...you were one of six eggs...one of four mature eggs...one of two viable embryos...and now you are my baby girl.

Aside from my obsession with this photo, things are going well. Josie is still refusing to take a bottle...which has me concerned about the 200+ bags of milk I have amassed in the past three months. I am hopeful that when my mother-in-law comes for her spring break in April (she's a teacher) we can really focus on the bottle-feeding...like maybe not feed her UNLESS she eats from the bottle. Fun times for my mother-in-law She was sleeping REALLY well for a couple of weeks...only getting up at 4/5/6 am to eat and then sleeping until 7/8 am...but she's started getting up around 2:45/3 am and then 5:30 am the past week and it kind of sucks. I'm not sure what's going on, but I'm hoping that she'll start sleeping again soon. I've tried rocking and pacifying her at the 2:45/3am wake up, but she wants the boob and nothing else will do.

I'm reigning in my initial "to do" list...and with only a couple more tasks to complete...I'm finding my vigor vanishing...I think I am afraid of actually starting the conversation with myself about my career. The easy thing to do is to keep doing what I do. It's a flexible job. It pays well (I'm not raking in the cash, but it more than justifies the cost of two kids in daycare). I just am afraid of not having a job to define myself outside of being a mother. I am afraid of being wrong again about who I am and what I should do with my life as this time it would have financial consequences for not just me...When I chose my grad school, I was on the fence about it and had a full scholarship and stipend...so it was essentially free. This time there would be the cost of grad school, childcare, wages lost, etc. But, I can't imagine continuing to do what I am currently doing for the next 30 years until retirement. Something needs to change, but I am to afraid to make the leap.

In other news, I'm in my 2nd week of regularly going to the track. I'm pretty out of shape. I'm no where near my splits or prior pace, but after taking two years off of training I shouldn't expect to be. My coach keeps asking me if I am going to train for another marathon and whether I'm "done with the kid thing." He says it jokingly, but I know he's serious. I guess I'm struggling to understand where running fits in my life. I want to run to stay fit. I want to be fast. But, I don't want to have my life dictated by a marathon training schedule...nor do I want to be gone for four hour training runs every Sunday. I trained really hard for Boston 2010...only to finish 20 seconds faster than I did in Richmond 2009. I guess my mentality is that I'm never going to qualify for the Olympics...I could train my butt off for years on end and maybe never meet that goal (for the record, I would have to shave 13 minutes off my marathon time...that's 30 seconds per mile). I don't know if that is even realistic to think about. SO...if I can't qualify for the Olympics...than what am I training for? And, the answer currently seems to be...to be fit, to have fun with other running geeks, and to test my mettle. I don't need to run a marathon to do that. A running partner pointed out the other day that I don't need to decide NOW whether I want to try and qualify for the Olympics. I still have four more years until the next trial. I think I'll just train for shorter races the next year and see.

And, the whole "to try or not to try" is still up in the air. I have an appointment with the RE to discuss next steps...or if it is even worth trying in mid-April.

Question: I signed up for the Resolve Advocacy Day....but seeing as Baby Girl won't take a bottle....I will likely have to take her with me for the day. Do you think that is really insensitive to the other women participating in the event? I would have hate me...."flaunting" my baby. Do you think I should just push it off until next year so that I don't have to worry about Baby Girl?

$1,100

We just got a bill in the mail from the NJ clinic where we have one embryo on ice. My husband and I have been going back and forth about what to do with the embryo. I want to continue to freeze it with the intention of using it for a FET sometime this year. I know there is a very high (probably near 99.9%) likelihood that embryo will never turn into a take-home baby. But, I can't give up hope...even though I know it was only a 4-cell on day 3 and the gorgeous blasts that proceded it didn't turn into babies. I just can't give up on it. I don't know why. My intention is to use the last two cycles of IVF that we have 50% coverage for under my insurance, the FET with this last embryo, and...maybe a couple of IUIs (for which we would have 50% coverage) until Jan 2013. At that point....maybe I will want to call it quits. Or, maybe I will switch to a different insurance plan where I would have some coverage again.

In our talks about a third child, I am often drawn to adoption. I've never closed my heart to this option and sometimes feel that we have been given so much in life that we should give back to a child that could use our love. But...sometimes I wonder if we would pass the "inspection" of a home study. We aren't a perfect family or a perfect marriage. I get nervous that we would be found to be insufficient. I don't know whether I am too idealistic and think that adoption would be a beautiful way to CHOSE to end our fertility journey...to chose not to get on the crazy IVF train again. I wish I could say that my husband and I agreed about adoption, but he feels strongly that biological children should be our first choice and we should exhaust that alternative before we turn to adoption if we decide we really want a third child.

Sigh. Every day this is what I think about. It is exhausting. I wish I could just make a decision about our next steps.

Don't worry, though. Every day, I also soak in my smiling girl's face and am so thankful that she is here.

Um, Goals?

I'm a planner. I like to have goals. A vision for the future.

Somewhere with all the infertility treatments and the inability to plan for ANYTHING because you never know what the next IVF cycle might hold...I lost my ability to commit. Because WHO knows. It's great in that it has allowed me to be more in the moment as it is the only truth I know. But, I worry that my current inability to plan for the future is keeping me in the same holding pattern that I have been in for the past five years with regard to my career.

The big indecision: Do we try again?

This affects a lot of my immediate planning.

Do I start training again?
Do I start thinking about a new career path?
Do I continue to sock away milk like the apocalypse is coming?

Every day I go back and forth.

Some days, I think TWO is the maximum number of kids I can handle.
I don't want to go back to the IVF hole.
I don't want to shoot my body up with drugs.
I don't want to miss any of this precision time with my lovelies.
I don't want to be a failure again.

But. Given the diminished ovarian reserve...time is not on my side. I can't change my mind two years down the road. I might not have any eggs at that point.

Which leaves me making the decision to move forward with IVF as a way to avoid the fear of regret. I've tasted regret. Regret that we didn't start trying for children earlier. Regret that I didn't marry a man with rockin' sperm. Regret that I didn't start trying for #2 sooner after I had Nugget.

And, I've heard people say that having three kids is hard, but not something they regret. Or is that just the politically correct thing to say?

I don't like making a choice out of fear.

But, as I don't know this future me and the challenges in her life...I don't know if she would be mad at me for making a different decision. I want her to be happy...

I also want me to be happy.

And, I want JuJuBean to feel like she got the attention she needed.

There is so much guilt associated with breast milk...I tried to feed my little Nugget for a year...but by 9 months he was kind of checked out. I now have a freezer full of breast milk for baby girl. I estimate that I have 175 5 oz bags at this point...so about enough to last about a month. If I keep pumping 15 oz a day, by the time I reach the end of 4 months I should have enough to get her through 6 months. Is that enough? Or should I breastfeed through 6 months when she starts her solids and then have her drink from the bottle (*if* I can get her to drink from a bottle).

All these stupid calculations.

I freaking just wish that I could just get pregnant like the rest of the world.

And...the worst: what if I stop breastfeeding Baby Girl...only to never have IVF work again.

I feel like I have this irrational belief that we know what works (Day 3!) and if we do that the first time this time...we'll get pregnant. HELLLO?! Did I not learn anything last time? There are no freaking guarantees.

2 Months!

Two months, people. And, she's smiling (in response to social cues rather than gas!).

It's not all rainbows and unicorns...

A funny little vignette from approximately 3 AM yesterday morning.... (to be read in jest)
****
Mommy wakes up daddy because she's been with baby for over two hours trying to get her to sleep. Mommy shoves, err, places baby in daddy's hands and says that she is going to sleep train baby the next day because she can't take ONE MORE NIGHT of this. Daddy moves baby's hands and pretends to be baby, saying "Don't put me in a box, Mommy. I defy rules and order." Mommy responds..."I'll put you in a box and tape it up if you don't go to sleep." Daddy turns and stage whispers to baby "Mommy's in a dark place."
****

Generally, Baby Girl has been a great sleeper with 5-7 hour chunks of sleep. About every fourth night, though, she will wake up at 1-2 am. Usually, I am able to rock her back to sleep without feeding her. Last night was an exception. But, the collective sleep deprivation of the past few months wears on me. Of course, this is definitely easier than dealing with failed IVF cycles and the unknown...as I know it can't last forever. But, it is irritating and some days I feel like I am just a terrible wife and mother because I am so freaking tired.







Baby Girl and her premie/newborn clothes
Baby Girl has grown a fair amount, weighing 10 lbs 11 oz at her two month appointment. She stayed on the 50th percentile growth curve for weight from her one month to two month appointment, which is reassuring. She has these delicious little rolls of fat on her chubby little thighs. Nugget's legs were skinny little rails, so it is so funny to have all these fat rolls and chunks to clean under. She's grown out of all of her newborn and premie clothes. I took pictures of all her outfits and cried a little as I packed them away. I don't know that any baby of mine will ever wear them again. As much as I long for her to be older and sleep more, I know how fleeting this time is and try to spend time every day just basking in her infant stage...sitting with her curled on my chest and clutching my hand.

Nugget has been quite trying this past month. He's been throwing more tantrums at night and doesn't want to leave day care. I know there are worse things than having a child that enjoys day care so much he doesn't want to leave. But, to be honest, I miss the little boy that would come running with joy whenever his mommy picked him up. Now, I pretty much have to drag him out every day.

In post partum recovery news, I have been at my pre-pregnancy weight for probably 2-3 weeks. I can fit easily into my "fat" pants. Now, I just have to lose the 4-6 lbs I gained while doing IVF. I'm running almost every day and believe that I have hit between 60-70 miles the past few weeks. My plan is to keep running about this mileage until I lose 4 more lbs and then I can cut back on the cardio. I'm eating a TON of food, though, in order to not wake up STARVING at night. Probably 2,800 to 3,200 calories? I was trying to count my calories to help with the weight loss...but somewhere around 2,4oo-2,600 calories I just figured WHATEVER. I'll eat what I want and hopefully the weight will come off. I've been trying to focus on eating REAL food and not sugar. I think I have a tendency to increase my sugar/sweet intake when I am hungry because I feel like I've already eaten my dinner and any other foods should be dessert ('cause dessert follows dinner). So, I've been addicted to eating apples dipped in large amounts of peanut butter as my post dinner snack. I don't think I've gone more than one day without this snack. I've also been doing Crossfit 2x a week. I'm still not convinced that it is a viable alternative to running as I am a bit of a running fiend, but I have been actually WANTING to go to Crossfit and craving the muscle pain that comes a day or so after class. I also made it to the track once and fingers crossed will be going to do a second long run with the running group.

So, that's the update!

I'm not sure what to do with this blog. Should I stop? Should I keep blogging until we decide whether we are going to pursue fertility treatments to try for a third child? Should I continue to blog as my personal diary to share with the few that are interested? Should I start a new blog and try to devote more creativity to it?

SIGH. I'll end with a fun smile shot of JuJuBean:

Still Here

I'm still freaking amazed EVERY day that we are here.

This is NOT to say that I do not have meltdowns at least three times a week where I am exhausted and don't think I can handle the lack of sleep any more. Being tired makes me cranky (er...b*tchy is a better word). Being tired makes me a bad momma to Nugget. But, I keep telling myself this will last a year to a year and a half tops. Less time than it took us to get pregnant with JuJuBean.

She's growing like a champ. Nearly 11 pounds at 8 weeks! And, occassionally giving us 5 hour stretches of sleep (knock on wood). Nugget is a rock star big brother and excellent listener (some days). I ventured out with the two of them to the Natural History Museum to see some dinosaur bones on Monday. The last time we went to that museum was right after the failed FET in Summer 2010. It was amazing to contrast my life now to then...and how much Nugget has grown and developed.

I've completed my Crossfit Foundations training. Not sure if I love it as much as running. It's hard for me to love anything as much as running. But, I am hoping it will help me whip my mushy body back into shape. Now if only I could stop gorging on chocolate and peanut butter (d@mn that stuff is good).

This Time Last Year

I am updating our photo album for the first time in nearly 8 months. In looking through the album, I am struck by how few pictures there are from Fall 2009 through Spring 2011. I sometimes look at pictures and can't place when they happened. Was that from 2010 or 2011? I remember events from Nugget's first year very clearly...but the years subsequent have been more difficult to place. It is almost as if I have some sort of amnesia for the 16 months we spent going through fertility treatments...as if I wasn't fully present in my body.

Last week, I went back and read the posts that I had written this time last year when I was in New Jersey for our fourth IVF cycle (third fresh cycle). I spent that week silent in a hotel that catered to business men in the middle of a winter snow storm leaving only for doctor's appointments and ravenous trips to Whole Foods. The cycle sucked as my cycles tend to do: only six follicles that resulted in two good looking embryos. Sitting alone in my hotel room, I had nothing to do but obsess about the cycle, our situation in life, and the hopelessness of it all.

I wrote some good sh*t. I guess I need a little melancholy to get in touch with my inner poet.

One of my favorite pieces from that period:

I feel so OUT OF PLACE. I have no friends, no colleagues, no business, no family in the region and feel as if I am conducting some sort of anthropological study of the humans here. Trying to figure out how to blend in despite feeling sorely misplaced. Which is really a larger parallel to finding my place in this fecund world where procreation is a choice not always a blessing. I miss my husband and, more than anything, I miss my little Nugget and his marker smudged palms.

While I feel less misplaced from the "fecund world," there are still moments when I feel ungrounded and realize how separate my perspective is from the majority of my peers. At the hospital with Baby Girl, the nurses kept making off-hand comments about "we'll see you next time" or "aren't you ready for a third?" Sometimes, I just smiled and nodded. Other times, I said that we had to work really hard to have our two children and the likelihood that we would be able to have a third was really slim.

With two children, I feel that my masquerade is complete; our infertility is sufficiently hidden. We have two children. Why should anyone guess that we had fertility issues? I find that I have become very private about our infertility. I don't want to offer the information. I know I shouldn't be embarrassed by it...but I am. To be honest, I've actually been avoiding returning to my running club because I'm pretty sure everyone knows why I haven't been training with them for the past two years. I just don't want to be the subject of whispers: "you know WHY she didn't run for us the past two years: she had to do IVF." As much as the judgement of others shouldn't matter and ultimately DOES NOT matter...for some reason I have become extremely paranoid about it. I know this falls into the category of "sh*t you are just going to have to SUCK UP and GET OVER." And, I know that will happen with time. I hope that will have to happen with time.

On February 2nd, 2011, while waiting for our embryologist report following retrieval, I wrote:
Dear Mr. Groundhog,
Will I get the news today that my winter is going to carry on forever? That I will never see spring. That our ability to have biological children is nill? Or, will I wake up tomorrow renewed, with hope for the future, and a chance for a child?
Please tell me, Mr. Groundhog. I can't stand the suspense. My heart is rapidly beating, I can't take a deep breath for the fear that is constricting my lungs.
********************************************************************

We were so hopeful for that cycle. After it failed, I spent the next two months on the sofa, barely breathing, never sleeping, defeated. If only I could go back in time and tell myself that I would be holding a precious Baby Girl in a year...but, had I not been through that dark period...I would not be the person I am today.

One Month!

Baby Girl turned one month old on Thursday! I wish I could say that I can't believe it has been a month...but I can....the weeks run into each other because every day is so similar. I've finally figured out a sleep situation that allows me to function as a half-intelligent human.

Nursing

Baby Girl is a CHOW HOUND! She went from 5 lbs 15 oz at birth (the 3rd percentile) to 8 lbs 10 oz at one month (the 50th percentile). Mama's milk is doing its job!! She cluster-feeds every 1-2 hours from 7:30 to 9:00 am, then eats about every 3 hours until 6 pm, and then cluster-feeds every 1-2 hours in the evening (6pm to 9 pm) and then will occasionally go 4-6 hour stretches during the night. I've been waking up with sore breasts before she wakes up during the night. I'm hopeful that the 2 6-hour stretches without feeding that we've had so far are a sign of things to come. We just started to try and introduce Baby Girl to the bottle this week. It is amazing to me that she hasn't even had ONE bottle yet. Nugget was drinking from a bottle and receiving supplements from the beginning, so I feel really lucky that breastfeeding has gone so well. Also, I have a MASSIVE breast milk collection in the freezer: 55 bags with 5-6 oz in them! I am pumping 10-15 oz of additional breast milk to store every day!

Sleeping

Generally, I've been going to bed around 10 when Baby Girl finally stops cluster feeding and/or falls asleep. Some nights are great and she'll sleep until 3:30. Other nights, she's up at 12:30, 3:30, and 7:30. We generally stay in bed until 9/10 am so that I can catch up on my ZZZZZZZZZZs. My husband has been taking Nugget to preschool, which has helped. I've been reading "12 Hours' Sleep by 12 Weeks" in hopes that I can successfully sleep train Baby Girl. I didn't have any luck with Nugget...but since everything has been different with Baby Girl, I am optimistic that this will be different as well. The only issue is that it seems like you have to pump instead of nurse to really implement sleep training. I'm ambivalent about stopping nursing. I want to sleep, but at the same time...I love the sweetness of nursing and don't want to do anything that might jeopardize this special time with my Baby Girl. I'm hoping that she'll just magically start sleeping through the night by 6 weeks and I won't have to sleep train...but I know the likelihood of that happening is near nil.

My Post Partum Body

In my last post, I mentioned that I had been lacking in motivation to exercise. Well, I've found it. Once over the amazement of going from a round tummy to a relatively flat tummy, I realized I have a LONG way to go in terms of regaining my pre-pregnancy AND pre-IVF body. I haven't seen as much progress in my ability to fit in any clothes in the past few weeks and I've decided that I'm probably going to have to exercise and be much better about my eating habits if I want to lose any weight and/or fit into my clothes anytime this year. So, I've been running consistently since 10 days post partum. My ability to run longer distances has improved...I treated myself to a 10.5 mile run yesterday...albeit at a 9 minute pace. If everything goes as planned this week, I might get in my first 50 mile week. I have a babysitter that comes 3 times during the work week so I can run outside and I have been running on the treadmill the other two days during the work week. I also signed up for Crossfit Foundations class so that I can start attending Crossfit Workouts 1-2 times a week. My plan for the next two months is to run 5-6 days a week, go to Crossfit 2 days a week, and fit in a little yoga at home. I'm hoping that is all I will need to do to lose the rest of the baby weight. I have to admit that I find my post-partum body a little depressing and am discouraged that I'm not magically thin, even though I know this is an unrealistic expectation. I guess I feel a lot of pressure to lose all the weight quickly so that if we decide to do IVF again I can start at a weight similar to my pre-pregnancy/pre-IVF weight.