Odd Little Moments

I have days and moments lately where I am relishing in the pregnancy, trying to forget our path to this point, and I find joy.

But, then there are those little reminders that sneak in my day and I am struck by incongruous emotions of anger and rage. I think that is the hardest aspect of these emotions: I feel them when I should be feeling thankfulness and happiness. Or, at least, the general consensus among people I know is confusion over the ambiguity of my emotions. Why anger still?

Here are some of my odd little moments in the past few days:

• Today at my 4-week OB check-in, I dropped off four Sharp's containers full of needles. I wanted them out of the house and out of my life. Seeing those needles filled me with sadness and shame for the lost time. The nurses weren't quite sure what to do with them. I told them they were medical waste and just to throw them away. I'm sure they wondered why I had so many needles.


• Every time I go to the OB, I see a different doctor. They all ask why my paperwork came from Shady Grove (clinic #3) and why I had to do IVF. I told my story today without tearing up for the first time.


• At the grocery store checkout with Nugget the other day, Nugget pointed out a baby behind us in line. Quickly looking up while unloading the groceries, I realized that it was a woman from my running group that had a child two months after Nugget and was now holding a newborn. I turned away and tried to cover my face with a curtain of hair so she wouldn't recognize me. Jealousy. Anger. Sadness. These are emotions I'm sure I'll feel always. I just let them wash over me and continued with my day.


• My knees have been bugging me and I was beginning to suspect that I needed new running shoes. I was incredulous that I would need new running shoes as it felt like I *just* bought new running shoes. In going through my credit card bills, I realized that I hadn't bought new running shoes since August 2010. Which was NOT recently. Having not bought or needed new shoes in a year, this likely means that I have run 200-500 miles in the PAST YEAR as opposed to my prior standard 6-12 weeks. I couldn't believe it. How did I lose a year of my life?

I am thinking that it is time for me to take a picture of my baby bump. I don't know how long I will have it...so I better enjoy it while it is here.

The Curve in My Shadow

As I pass car windows, store windows, and sometimes if I catch the light at the right angle while I am running, I can see the small curve in the base of my belly in my shadow. Evidence that life exists. That I am growing. That the baby is growing.

It is in these moments that I allow myself a small squelch of joy.

LOOK!

I'm pregnant.

15 weeks.

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My nausea, exhaustion, and depression have subsided. We are slowly becoming the people we once were, although changed. We make social plans; we're actually going to a concert tomorrow! I've started attacking interior design decisions that I have been neglecting for the past two years since we moved to our new house. I have had the energy to deal with Nugget's temper tantrums and am making attempts at discipline and potty training. Real parenting rather than passive watching from the couch stuck in the doldrums of my depression. I printed out pictures for his baby book that I haven't updated since last summer, realizing that I am missing large chunks of the past 1.5 years. Where was fall? Summer? Spring? There are NO pictures from spring.

I've made progress on RMNL:
--I bought a new camera lens
--I planned our summer vacation (Maine AND Portland OR--> Glacier National Park --> Seattle WA)
--I took the career aptitude test and am awaiting the results
--I started going to therapy again

But, all of these decisions seem so much EASIER now. I was so depressed before that even decisions about mundane minutia seemed out of my reach.

The anger and bitterness still flares. I still haven't spoken to my sister. My sister-in-law is due one week after I am and that rubs me the wrong way. I still struggle with feeling like a failure as a woman for not being able to conceive (despite knowing that my husband played a HUGE role in this equation). I feel behind on my life, even though most of my close friends are only now beginning to think about having children. It's just so hard to see others hurdling forward in life when I spent so much time and money trying to do the same thing they did in mere months. I keep telling myself to go back to 10,000 feet. To look back on the entirety of my life and realize that when I am 80 I'm not really going to care about my few years of struggle. Well, I hope that I don't regret that when I'm 80. Otherwise, I'll have had a pretty boring life.

A cute little clip from the paper today. Yes, baby, you are like WAY wanted. WAY WAY wanted.