In the midst of the two week wait....

Ah, yes, I love the glorious dilusion of the first week of the two week wait...I am usually just hanging on to the picture of the glorious embryos thinking...it has a chance...it COULD work. And, then the cramping starts. About 6 days after transfer, for all my prior cycles...I get cramping. This cycle is a little different...because it's 5 days post a 3-day transfer rather than a 5-day transfer, but WHATEVER. It's cramping and I take it as a sign that this cycle didn't work (yes, I know that people sometimes have cramping and still manage to be pregnant...in fact, I believe I was one of those people)...but, at an emotional level...I process this as: GAME OVER.

My husband and I have been fighting all week about whether we do another cycle OR just move straight to donor.

My preference...DO ANOTHER CYCLE...We have enough drugs leftover from this cycle (um, because I ordered 5 600iu vials of Follistim and 2 375iu boxes of Menopur, but SHHHHH: these are free drugs in my book because we only paid 50% for them). PLUS, some glorious friends have sent us some drugs (THANK YOU!). So, a fresh cycle, in which we combine with the one frozen embryo up in NJ, would cost: (only) $11-$13K. That's not much, right?

My husband sees the emotional and financial toll of doing another cycle and would like us to move straight to donor.

And, honestly, if someone offered me a ride on a bus that only had 15% of arriving at it's destination...ain't no way. I'd be taking the train.

But, I keep hoping that we would be the miracle success story...that there would be some way for us to "end strong" feeling like we had given it our all.

Plus, I think in order to truly move on...I need to feel like I did MORE than I ever thought possible...try longer...cry more...

Because I don't take "giving up" lightly, for I have NEVER done it before.

Transfer Update

Too busy with houseguests and procedures and work to be a good blogger! I promise I'll get around to commenting on people's blogs later this week!

We did transfer yesterday on Easter.....

1 8-cell and 1 7-cell, both grade 1, which is the highest quality.

Now we wait.

And...wait.

And...deal with this yucky, oozing, progesterone crap. Thank god for thong panty liners. Seriously, the best creation ever.

Emotional Rollercoaster

Hellow ICWL folks! For a quick update on our status, check out the sidebar. I have a 2.5 year old son conceived through IVF supposedly due to male factor infertility (low morphology). We got serious about trying for #2 when my son was 1 year old only to find out that I have diminished ovarian reserve. Since last January, we have done 3 clomid-coitus cycles, 1 FET with the remaining embryos from my son's cycle, 3 fresh IVF, and 1 natural cycle IUI, and are not in the midst of our 4th IVF trying for #2.

This cycle has been TOO much to handle emotionally. I can't seem to grasp that this is our last cycle with my eggs and have spent the majority of the past two weeks stockpiling excess drugs and trying to convince my husband that we should try one more round of IVF and include the one frozen embryo that we have at the NJ clinic (IVF#3) in this cycle, since an FET would cost us $5K and if we have the majority of drugs already, doing a full IVF cycle would likely only cost us $5-7K more (ha, when did $5-7K not seem like a lot of money???).

Plus, I had hoped that we'd have a perfectly beautiful cycle. It started out well enough...antral follicle count of 12, which then dropped down to 8 growing follicles. But then my e2 levels didn't rise fast enough, and 8 growing follicles dropped down to 6 growing follicles, then it took forever for my e2 levels to rise and we ended up stimming for 12 days (FOREVER) which doesn't bode well. The follicles were *really* ripe on trigger day: 1 22mm, 2 21mm, 2 19mm, 1 18mm, 1 16mm. We got 6 eggs at retrieval yesterday and hope to have 1-3 for a 3-day transfer.

My mantra this cycle: miracles do happen. Miracles do happen.

All the best to you!

Hope goes out the f*ing door

Went in for my check in today. Only 8 follicles. What happened to 12?

Oh, and my estrogen was 59. WHAT?! It should be 4-6x that?!

I'm thinking this cycle is over before it even begins. I don't know why my estrogen is so low. Maybe the ganirelix from the estrogen-priming over-supressed me?

I can't keep it together. Crying in my office most of today.

Antral Follicle Count BLAH

Well, went in for my Antral Follicle Count today...and regular bloodwork, whatnot. Only 12 this month. Down 6 from last month's amazing 18. Which is depressing. But, the nurse said that sometimes they are so small at this stage that they can't see all of them. It's stil at least 3 higher than I've had on prior cycles. I'm hoping that a few more will come out of hiding for this final round.

Based on the decreased count, we're upping the drugs to the maximum dosage: 450 iu follistim and 150 menupor. I can already imagine what a crazy b*tch I'm going to be this month. And, am already starting to feel some of the effects of being pumped up on hormones as I was nauseous and sick all day today. Lovely to feel the side effects of pregnancy hormones without actually being pregnant.

I keep trying to get in a more positive, zen place...but I want to protect my heart. They say that hope can't hurt...but it does. The last cycle was so much harder than any of the prior cycles because we had true hope. Beautiful embryos. I can't seem to let myself go there again.

And so it .... begins? ends?

Three days early, my lovely period starts. Which means that another month of natural baby-making didn't work...despite great antral follicle count, clear tubes, and lots of sex.

This is the 10th cycle that we've tried to get pregnant naturally in the past 1.5 years.

Just one more failure for us.

I am so scared about this cycle that I find myself having a hard time breathing several times each day.

This is it. This is it. This is it.

I find myself wanting to order more drugs...we're supposed to be using my friend's drugs this cycle to save money...but this is the last cycle that either of our insurance companies will cover...so I feel the urge to stockpile drugs...in hopes that I could convince myself or my husband to do one more round if this doesn't work.

Despite having fully researched the donor process and found some reprieve in our decision to move on to donor eggs, deep in my heart: I want my own baby. I want to see my likeness in my child. I want a little fairy girl just like me with wavy brown hair.

In all likeliehood, this won't happen.

But, we have given it our best shot.

Oh My Achey Breaky Heart

Today I started my vivelle patch for estrogen priming for the *LAST* cycle. I am having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that this will be our last time trying with my own eggs. I feel an overwhelming sense of claustrophobia in my world...as if the walls are caving in. There is an endless mantra in my head: I don't want this to be my life. I am a failure. I don't want to live with this pain anymore. Intellectually, I know that I will survive this. That I am not a failure. That I certainly wouldn't label anyone else in my situation a failure. But, emotionally, it is the only truth that I know. I have to remind myself of reasons that life is worth living. My little checklist for not committing suicide: That I don't want to define myself by this experience. That I don't want Nathan to think that he wasn't enough. That there will be other experiences in my life worth living for. Right now that reality feels so far away. Will this pain ever end? Yesterday, yet another friend told me she was pregnant. These announcements send me reeling. Another reminder that I am not normal. That the path I am on is one that most don't follow. Usually, when I am upset I call my friends or my family. When I went to dial a number, I realized that I had no one to call that could emphathize with my pain. I know no one that is where I am right now. And it is so lonely.