I was supposed to go advocate for RESOLVE on the Hill today. But, since JuJuBean refuses a bottle, I can't be away from her for a day. I feel really passionately about it and would have loved to participate.
But, the thing is...I can't get myself to open up about our experience with infertility to those outside my inner circle. I don't understand my ambivalence. I see friends posting on FB about NIAW and I can't bring myself to post anything.
To quote Emily Dickinson, it feels:
"How public – like a Frog –
To tell one's name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!"
Perhaps this is more a function of the range of people I am friends with on FB? If I posted on FB, I would be letting work colleagues and casual high school friends and ex-boyfriends, etc. know about my infertility.
The truth is: I'm deeply embarrassed. That it took us five cycles of IVF to conceive our daughter seems somehow TOO infertile to share with the world. In my mind, one or two cycles is your garden-variety infertility. A little bump in the road. But, FIVE cycles? Wow. You're REALLY infertile. You're REALLY a failure if you had to go through that much IVF to get pregnant. It would feel like shouting to the world: come look at our freak show sex life. All you NORMAL people can have sex to have babies, but we had to involve a menagerie of doctors and embryologists and drugs and procedures to get knocked up. I don't want to expose our personal, private struggle to the world. I don't want acquaintances to look askance at us and think "those poor infertile people." I wonder if people will think: they must have been too old or she must have run too much. I realize I am perpetuating misguided and inaccurate perceptions by not educating people about infertility. Why am I not willing to put myself out there? Why won't I make a stand for something I believe in?
I've talked to my husband about it and he thinks that we just don't want to go back to the IVF cave and all the darkness it entailed. But, do we ever really leave all that behind us? I still cringe when people make innocuous jokes about "keeping [their] legs crossed so [they] don't get knocked up," etc.
I think I just don't have the strength of spirit to put myself out there. Which isn't a quality to admire.
Why have I, the queen of over-sharing, become so private?
Opinions and public flogging acceptable.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Conception
A year ago yesterday, my precious little girl was either a 7-cell or 8-cell embryo that was transferred into me.
I post this picture here because it is a special, private moment with her, happily nursing. For the past year, I have sustained her either in my womb or via my breast milk. What a difference a year makes.
What a difference two years makes...this time two years ago, I ran a marathon and hung up my running shoes to begin the IVF process.
I wonder where I will be a year from now. Will I be pregnant again? Will I have failed in our attempt for a third child? Will I have wished I had weaned my daughter sooner? Will I be quitting my job to change careers? After the precipice of this next month and my husband no longer having a job, I have no idea where I will be. It's scary to have no sense of the future...but at the same time it is centering. All I know is this day.
Two great things happened today:
1. I had an AMAZING 15.6 mile run. I felt strong. I felt light. I have no idea how fast I ran, but it was the first long run post-partum where I finished feeling great rather than completely spent.
2. I bought 4 GRE books. Regardless of the unknowns, I am confident that I will have to take the GREs at some point in the next 5 years, so why not now? Change begins with small steps and I am slowly making them to the future unknown.
I post this picture here because it is a special, private moment with her, happily nursing. For the past year, I have sustained her either in my womb or via my breast milk. What a difference a year makes.
What a difference two years makes...this time two years ago, I ran a marathon and hung up my running shoes to begin the IVF process.
I wonder where I will be a year from now. Will I be pregnant again? Will I have failed in our attempt for a third child? Will I have wished I had weaned my daughter sooner? Will I be quitting my job to change careers? After the precipice of this next month and my husband no longer having a job, I have no idea where I will be. It's scary to have no sense of the future...but at the same time it is centering. All I know is this day.
Two great things happened today:
1. I had an AMAZING 15.6 mile run. I felt strong. I felt light. I have no idea how fast I ran, but it was the first long run post-partum where I finished feeling great rather than completely spent.
2. I bought 4 GRE books. Regardless of the unknowns, I am confident that I will have to take the GREs at some point in the next 5 years, so why not now? Change begins with small steps and I am slowly making them to the future unknown.
Monday, April 16, 2012
A Trip to the ER
On Friday, my husband started having chest pains.
My husband who only goes to doctors when symptoms have reached some critical state which cannot be ignored.
We're sitting down, finally relaxing with respective glasses of wine after putting the kids to bed, when he leans over his knees, gasping. He tells me he can't catch his breath.
Commence Internet research.
We tried to find something, anything on the Internets which would indicate that this is not a Major Situation. All decision trees lead to Go To The ER Immediately.
So, at 9:30, we frantically call my sister-in-law and ask her to come watch the kids.
We spend the next four hours in the hospital. Getting EKG tests, blood tests, pokes and prods.
Summation: anxiety.
No indication of a heart attack or a blood clot or anything else that might have caused the pain.
Two weeks into No Job status and we're both hyperventilating a little. Wanting for a safety net. Considering canceling summer vacation plans. Trying to figure out how long our money will last. If we can afford fertility treatments. If we can afford another kid. If I need to go back to work full-time and immediately.
But, I will take this Unknowing over the Unknowing we faced this time last year. As irritating as it is not to know what life holds for us in six months, the big questions are answered. Will I get to experience pregnancy again? Will my son get to be a brother? The small questions can be answered later. Will I get to reboot my career? Will we get to move into a house that doesn't turn into a sauna in the summer due to lack of insulation and crappy air conditioning?
I have to remind myself that the smaller questions aren't as important. And, to not feel sorry for myself for hitting a rough patch again. It's so easy to slip down into the mire of depressed attitude about all of this. Get back up and start the good fight again.
My husband who only goes to doctors when symptoms have reached some critical state which cannot be ignored.
We're sitting down, finally relaxing with respective glasses of wine after putting the kids to bed, when he leans over his knees, gasping. He tells me he can't catch his breath.
Commence Internet research.
We tried to find something, anything on the Internets which would indicate that this is not a Major Situation. All decision trees lead to Go To The ER Immediately.
So, at 9:30, we frantically call my sister-in-law and ask her to come watch the kids.
We spend the next four hours in the hospital. Getting EKG tests, blood tests, pokes and prods.
Summation: anxiety.
No indication of a heart attack or a blood clot or anything else that might have caused the pain.
Two weeks into No Job status and we're both hyperventilating a little. Wanting for a safety net. Considering canceling summer vacation plans. Trying to figure out how long our money will last. If we can afford fertility treatments. If we can afford another kid. If I need to go back to work full-time and immediately.
But, I will take this Unknowing over the Unknowing we faced this time last year. As irritating as it is not to know what life holds for us in six months, the big questions are answered. Will I get to experience pregnancy again? Will my son get to be a brother? The small questions can be answered later. Will I get to reboot my career? Will we get to move into a house that doesn't turn into a sauna in the summer due to lack of insulation and crappy air conditioning?
I have to remind myself that the smaller questions aren't as important. And, to not feel sorry for myself for hitting a rough patch again. It's so easy to slip down into the mire of depressed attitude about all of this. Get back up and start the good fight again.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
RE Again
I went to the clinic where we had success on our last cycle. I can't say that I love the RE...but we got pregnant and I think they have the best lab locally...and I have two more cycles covered by insurance at said clinic...so, I'm going back to him. He gives pat, succinct answers and really doesn't explain WHY or HOW he reached the decision that he did. As an aside, it seems to me that he has a knee-jerk assessment of our treatment plan and doesn't really THINK about things.
My RE says I need to stop breastfeeding NOW and get started on a cycle as soon as possible as time is not on my side. I'm turning 34 in two weeks. With diminished ovarian reserve....this is more like turning 44. He says that it will take 4-6 weeks after I stop breastfeeding to get my period. Or, I might not get my period and they would have to give me Provera for 10-14 days to bring on my period. Then, they'd have to do Day 3 bloodwork, another HSG, another semen analysis, and infectious disease testing again. Then, he could start me on the estrogen patch for estrogen priming and the next cycles I could do IVF. That whole process could take 12-16 weeks for me even to GET to the start line for IVF. Which is why he thinks we should get started NOW.
I hate my body. Hate it. Hate it for being such a failure. Hate it for giving me these crappy ovaries. Hate it for causing me to spend the past five and a half years worrying about and trying to get pregnant. I look in the mirror at my wrinkles and feel so ashamed that I am so old and trying to get pregnant. This wasn't the plan. I was supposed to be a "youngish" mother. I hate that my sucky body may be causing me to not provide my daughter with the time and nurturing she needs through breastfeeding.
Sometimes I think I should just stop trying while I am ahead. I have two beautiful children that fill me up. Last night, I sat in the rocking chair nursing my little girl and reading bedtime stories to my little boy and I felt so happy and full. They are these two beautiful little human beings. With two, I have the time to get to know each of them, to spend time on them and indulge their interests. I worry that with three I'll be spread too thin and won't be able to give them the attention they need.
And, my heart ACHES when I think about stopping breastfeeding. It's not even a possibility at this point as baby girl REFUSES to take a bottle. Yes, we've tried five different bottles. We've tried me feeding her. My husband feeding her. I've left the house and basically STARVED her. But, baby girl LOVES the boob and won't take anything else.
I know everything seems SO IMPORTANT right now...when a couple of years from now it won't matter so much if she was breastfed for four months or six months or twelve months. But, right now...I feel like I want to concentrate on the baby I have versus some baby that I could possibly have...but likely not. I need a paradigm shift.
Sigh.
My RE says I need to stop breastfeeding NOW and get started on a cycle as soon as possible as time is not on my side. I'm turning 34 in two weeks. With diminished ovarian reserve....this is more like turning 44. He says that it will take 4-6 weeks after I stop breastfeeding to get my period. Or, I might not get my period and they would have to give me Provera for 10-14 days to bring on my period. Then, they'd have to do Day 3 bloodwork, another HSG, another semen analysis, and infectious disease testing again. Then, he could start me on the estrogen patch for estrogen priming and the next cycles I could do IVF. That whole process could take 12-16 weeks for me even to GET to the start line for IVF. Which is why he thinks we should get started NOW.
I hate my body. Hate it. Hate it for being such a failure. Hate it for giving me these crappy ovaries. Hate it for causing me to spend the past five and a half years worrying about and trying to get pregnant. I look in the mirror at my wrinkles and feel so ashamed that I am so old and trying to get pregnant. This wasn't the plan. I was supposed to be a "youngish" mother. I hate that my sucky body may be causing me to not provide my daughter with the time and nurturing she needs through breastfeeding.
Sometimes I think I should just stop trying while I am ahead. I have two beautiful children that fill me up. Last night, I sat in the rocking chair nursing my little girl and reading bedtime stories to my little boy and I felt so happy and full. They are these two beautiful little human beings. With two, I have the time to get to know each of them, to spend time on them and indulge their interests. I worry that with three I'll be spread too thin and won't be able to give them the attention they need.
And, my heart ACHES when I think about stopping breastfeeding. It's not even a possibility at this point as baby girl REFUSES to take a bottle. Yes, we've tried five different bottles. We've tried me feeding her. My husband feeding her. I've left the house and basically STARVED her. But, baby girl LOVES the boob and won't take anything else.
I know everything seems SO IMPORTANT right now...when a couple of years from now it won't matter so much if she was breastfed for four months or six months or twelve months. But, right now...I feel like I want to concentrate on the baby I have versus some baby that I could possibly have...but likely not. I need a paradigm shift.
Sigh.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Never on Solid Ground
Today we learned that my husband's contract was being pulled and that he is only going to be paid through the end of the month. Then he's out of work.
Thankfully, we're always expecting the worst and have six months savings. I have faith that he'll be able to find more work or a new job. I'm not sure how long it will take and what cost saving/revenue producing measures we'll have to take to get us through...but...
I'm embarrassed to admit that my initial response to hearing this news was to cry. To feel sorry for myself and our family...
To think that jeez...just when we start feeling awesome about life, the rug gets pulled out from under us.
I know that ultimately we'll be fine.
But, I felt sad that what I hoped would be an amazing six months (unpaid) maternity leave where I could just luxuriate in the bliss of my happy baby and solely focus on getting back in shape, finishing up some home decorating projects, and enjoying life after the sucky suck of the past few years. My husband insists that I can still take six months off (I have three more months!), but I'm not sure I can enjoy myself while I'm stressing out about whether we have enough money to tide us over until he finds more work. And, I guess this puts my master plan of pursuing another career on the way back burner. I'm also not sure how we will be able to afford fertility treatments again if he doesn't land some work ASAP. I guess we could push that off until he has a job...but again...with my diminished ovarian reserve time is of the essence.
I feel like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum. I wish life could be struggle-free and someone else could worry about money and jobs and all that stuff. I guess I felt like life should be easy for us...at least for a little while...But, there is no karmic arbiter that balances out rough times with good times.
Tonight we went to the park with my son. We fought with stick "swords." We laughed as my husband wore bunny ears. A dear friend dropped off some flowers and a warm hug. Baby Girl spent the evening laughing and flirting with us. We may not have a job right now...but we have so much more that matters.
Thankfully, we're always expecting the worst and have six months savings. I have faith that he'll be able to find more work or a new job. I'm not sure how long it will take and what cost saving/revenue producing measures we'll have to take to get us through...but...
I'm embarrassed to admit that my initial response to hearing this news was to cry. To feel sorry for myself and our family...
To think that jeez...just when we start feeling awesome about life, the rug gets pulled out from under us.
I know that ultimately we'll be fine.
But, I felt sad that what I hoped would be an amazing six months (unpaid) maternity leave where I could just luxuriate in the bliss of my happy baby and solely focus on getting back in shape, finishing up some home decorating projects, and enjoying life after the sucky suck of the past few years. My husband insists that I can still take six months off (I have three more months!), but I'm not sure I can enjoy myself while I'm stressing out about whether we have enough money to tide us over until he finds more work. And, I guess this puts my master plan of pursuing another career on the way back burner. I'm also not sure how we will be able to afford fertility treatments again if he doesn't land some work ASAP. I guess we could push that off until he has a job...but again...with my diminished ovarian reserve time is of the essence.
I feel like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum. I wish life could be struggle-free and someone else could worry about money and jobs and all that stuff. I guess I felt like life should be easy for us...at least for a little while...But, there is no karmic arbiter that balances out rough times with good times.
Tonight we went to the park with my son. We fought with stick "swords." We laughed as my husband wore bunny ears. A dear friend dropped off some flowers and a warm hug. Baby Girl spent the evening laughing and flirting with us. We may not have a job right now...but we have so much more that matters.
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