Waiting

I'm not a patient person.  I hate waiting.  I've done a lot of waiting in the past seven years since we stopped birth control and started to try for our family.  Unfortunately, practice hasn't improved my ability to deal with the anxiety caused by waiting.

I'm on cycle day 22 of my second cycle since Mackenzie was born.  The first cycle doesn't even count, though, because that period was induced by Provera.  I STILL haven't ovulated.  I've been spending two hours a day every other day driving to the clinic, waiting to be seen, being poked and prodded just to confirm that nope...my ovaries suck and they refuse to grow.  I have one follicle that is taking its own sweet time growing to the 20 mm minimum requirement for trigger.  I'm at 17.9 today.  But, it's only been growing about a maximum of 1 mm a day.  At this rate, I might finally be at 20 mm by cycle day 24, which will be a 38 day cycle.  Fucking forever.

Every time I go to the clinic I end up having a terrible day.  I'm reminded that just seven months ago, I left that clinic pregnant with twins.  And now I'm back at ground zero.  Doing IVF again.

Some days I think we HAVE to do IVF again.  We HAVE to have another child.  Our redemption.  I worry that in two or ten or twenty years we will regret not having more children.  I know that there are no replacement children, but I do think people that have lost a baby find salve in a "rainbow" baby.  A tangible evidence that if the pain of loss hadn't happened, this new child or addition to the family would not exist.

Other days I am so fucking tired of this process that I just want to stop.  Move forward with my life.  Enjoy my two healthy happy children.  Let go of all the pain that trying entails.

In other exciting news:
I am taking a year long leave of absence from my job!  I am loving not having the pressure of work or worrying about when I will go back to work.  And, honestly, being away from it....I just don't want to be there at all right now and being with my daughter and helping my son with his behavior and speech (which are big issues right now) is a big deal.  Plus, it opens space in my brain to think about other things that might bring me greater happiness in life than my current job.  We shall see.

Back in the Saddle Again

I thought I would cry or sob or something as I sat in the very same ultrasound room where I saw my little babies beating hearts merely five short months ago.  The technician looked at me briefly as she came in the room and turned to my chart on the computer.  "I've seen you before, haven't I?" she asked.  I watched as her shoulders dropped when I told her that, yes, she's seen me, but that my baby was stillborn five weeks ago and I'm getting ready to cycle again.  She turned back to me, her face a little crumpled, and she reached for the ultrasound wand.  "I'm sorry to see you again for so many reasons," she said and reassured me that she would be gentle with the wand.  Only 10 antral follicles, but we know that my range is typically 6 to 18.  All my bloodwork came back normal.  FSH at 5.6 and E2 less than 20.

I can't believe I'm back at the beginning of this elliptical story that seems never to end.

I'm not sure how much more I can endure, but do know that I can endure this cycle.  And, then I will decide again.

Tomorrow I go in for my seventh HSG.  Friday I go in for my fourth endometrial biopsy.  Hopefully, I will ovulate within a decent range of time and then I will begin estrogen priming and will start IVF#9. 

Am I strong?

Am I stubborn?

Am I crazy?

We miss you sweet Mackenzie.  I so wish that you would be making Nugget a big brother again in two months.  I wish that I was struggling with back aches and heartburn instead of trying to lose the baby weight and figuring out how to pull together the money for another IVF cycle.

Signs

I have a good friend that believes in signs, as in "signs from the universe."  I wish I believed in signs, but underlying it seems to be that there is a master plan behind one's life.  I generally to think life is just a sh*t storm and whatever happens is simply because of random chance and personal decisions rather than some master plan for the universe.

But, right now, I so desperately want a sign.  I've been looking into seeing a psychic or getting a life coach or randomly asking really old people about their personal life decisions to desperately try and decide what to do with my life.

Do I quit my job and take some time off to be with Baby Girl while she is so deliciously wonderful? 

Do I start up IVF again to try for another child again?

Do I stay in my job because it has IVF coverage? I have 3 cycles of IVF under my current insurance.  I could switch insurance in January to K@iser and have 3 more cycles of IVF covered there.  That's 6 more cycles.  Could I do 6 more cycles?

Do I sign up for cobra insurance coverage for 18 months and give myself just 3 more cycles of IVF coverage? 

Do I cut back my hours at work even more so that I have more time with Baby Girl and still have the IVF coverage and just push off the making a decision about my career for another year?

Do I learn to be satisfied with the two beautiful, healthy children we have been blessed to have?

I know this is crazy, but I feel so vulnerable with only two children.  I want to be like the Duggars with dozens of children.  Plenty of "back-up."  It's not even that I want "back-up" for one gender...I want "extras" of both genders.  Because how would I survive if my only son died?  How would I survive if my only daughter died?  The truth is that I would survive.  I would live if my children died, but my life wouldn't be as full and my heart would forever ache.

Plenty of people in this world think that two children of each gender is the "King's Family" (a son to leave your kingdom to and a daughter to marry).  The perfect family.  Why have more?

But, did those people ever lose a child?  Did those people ever struggle to have children?  Do those people understand how fragile and precious and amazing children are?

Is it natural to desperately want more children when one dies?

Elizabeth Edwards had twins after her 17 year old son Wade died.
John Travolta and Kelly Preston had another child after their son Jett died.

I know you aren't trading a soul for a soul, but maybe there is a primal desire to procreate and to make life after losing a child.  I wonder if having another baby is the only salve to recover from losing a child.  God, I hope not.  Because we may never be able to have another child. 

I just need a sign.

Is my longing a sign?  Will that just wane with time? 

I just can't figure out how to make sense of the pieces of my life anymore.