The Best Pictures of Christmas 2009

"More, Grandpa!"

"I totally hate this sweater. Red is NOT my color."

"If only my arms were just a LITTLE bit longer...."

"Ow! It hurts when you bite your finger!"

"I think I ate too many cookies. Look at all this blubber."

"You mean we have to wait until Christmas to open the presents?"

"Why can't I hold the camera? You never let me do what I want!"

"She has no fashion sense. Look! Stripes with plaid! WHAT?"

Official Diagnosis: Amenorrhea

My doctor wanted me to come back in to discuss my bloodwork results. Seems everything was on the low end, but still in the normal range except for my estrogen levels: less than 3pg/ml...women with amenorrhea typically have less than 40 pg/ml.

I can't believe I have this diagnosis. I really thought it was the sort of thing that strikes obsessive compulsive size 0 (no offense to any size 0 readers) non-eating women, not people like me that love to eat...although, to some running 60+ miles a week would appear excessive. But, I know people that run a lot more and weigh a lot less that had no problems conceiving.

I guess this means that a winter marathon is out and I have to cut back on the miles. Grrr. It's frustrating because my sister has the same problem and she's not a crazy runner. Makes me wonder if it isn't the running, but rather something genetic.

The doctor thought that my estrogen levels were so low that Clomid probably won't work on me. She said that we could try a round of clomid and check my FSH levels on Day 22 to see if I ovulated. She thought it would be more likely that I would need Gonadatropin-releasing hormone (GnRH) to get me to ovulate (a cute little shot in the @ss), but she can't prescribe it. Which means I have to go to my *favorite* doctor, my Reproductive Endocrinologist, the @ss. (Just to give you a little vignette of this guy: when he first told us that we were going to have to do IVF, I started to tear up. He looked shocked that I would be upset and suggested I get a therapist. HELLO? You just dashed a patient's hopes of a romantic conception and prescribed fertility treatments flashing dollar signs ranging $10K to 30K! What do you expect???)

I am expecting my husband to give me a hard time. This is MY fault "because of all that running."

I'm sick of doctors, mothers, husbands, EVERYONE always pointing their collective fingers at "running" as the prime suspect in every case!

We'll try Clomid/GnRH shots for the next few months and then use the leftover embryos. I don't want to even think about what will happen if those don't work. Guess I should switch my blog back to IVF Running Mama.

To keep up appearances that this is a running blog:

Weekly Mileage:
December 14, 2009: 9.5 miles
December 15, 2009: 9.5 miles total: 2.5 miles warm-up, 8x800 w/ 400 laps (2:58, 2:53, 2:52, 2:50, 2:47, 2:49, 2:47, 2:51), 1.25 cool down; Body Flow PM
December 16, 2009: 11 miles
December 17, 2009: 9.5 miles, BodyPump
December 18, 2009: 6 miles
December 19, 2009: 10.2 miles in ten inches of snow! Rough! (was supposed to do a 10K, but it was cancelled)
December 20, 2009: 13 miles @ 8 min/mile on my shiny new treadmill!, P90X Abs
Total Mileage: 68.7 miles

I finally figured it out

I've been trying to understand why I am dragging my feet on starting this whole TTC thing again because truly, I'm kind of burned out and don't really want to start running the 20+ mile runs required for marathon training again and wouldn't actually mind being pregnant. I'm actually jealous of those that are...I've been sniffing Nugget's head at night hoping to again find that first whiff of newborn. Trying to cradle my little wriggling mad man who desperately wants nothing but to rip all the books off the shelf.

I realized the other day when emailing Salty One...that I just don't want to go back to that horrible period in my life...ages 28 to 29...where everything revolved around getting pregnant. Granted, this was also the year that I sat at the base of Machu Picchu, listening to the creek rage next to our tent under a dark sky with more stars than I've ever seen, drinking local beer with 10 strangers that had become good friends, and howling over jokes that had been inside secrets over the past three days. It was the year that we went to multiple weddings and drank our way through this right of passage for the majority of our friends. But, my memories of this year were mostly dark. It was the year that I realized that nothing in life can be taken for granted and the images you have when you are a girl of your future: white picket fence, little house, and two kids is not to be expected or deserved. It was the year that I was the crazy lady at work that just couldn't keep it together: bawling uncontrollably one day after we got our first negative result when yet another co-worker turns up pregnant. Living and dying for that double line. Narrowing our focus further and further: no travel, no running, no social events. Just waiting and waiting and waiting.

There is a decision tree you travel down when you face infertility. First, you must come to accept that those months you spent in excited anticipation of actually having sex for its true and intended cause were hopeless, pointless endeavours. Then, you have to accept that your timeline for your life won't be met and that there are things in life over which you have little control. And, last, you have to accept that procreation will be a sex-less antiseptic technical experience between you and your doctor. Eventually, you scream "Uncle" and the process bends your will entirely, forcing you to give up your vanity, your passions, your life.

I'm not ready to bend my will yet. I don't want to stop my life for an unknown quantity of time and turn myself over to this fickle process.

I want to be one of those couples that everyone mentions when I talk about this: "my friend such and such did IVF and they had twins and then six months later she was pregnant again naturally!" I hate these stories because they seem to imply that "if you could just relax, you would get pregnant" or "you're just too impatient and if you waited longer you would get pregnant naturally." No one ever talks about their friends that spent years trying to have children. I assume because these very friends aren't going around talking about the small fortune they have invested in procreation. Because adoption isn't the same. It isn't. You may love that baby, but it didn't come out of you and doesn't look like you. It's not the same experience.

Ah well, I figure by the time I'm done with this experience, I'll have no more readers because my posts are no longer about running and just plain old depressing. Sorry folks. I guess I'm having a little pity party over here and am not quite ready to put down my party horn yet.

Back on TRACK!

I went to my first track workout today since the marathon and IT WAS AWESOME. Must have been the 2 pitchers of Sangria I shared with some girlfriends last night:> I did 8x800 with 400 laps. I ran them in: 2:58, 2:53, 2:52, 2:50, 2:47, 2:49, 2:47, 2:51. I can't believe that I ran them so quickly! I really thought I would be slogging my way back to faster times.

In other news, I spent most of yesterday with Nugget at various doctor's offices trying to figure out if his skull was fractured. Let us be a cautionary tale: never take child shopping around nap time. So, last Sunday, my husband and I went to the mall to try and get some Christmas presents. We'd been there about two hours and knew that we were totally pushing Nugget's nap time, but really wanted to finish shopping in one more store. Nugget was having a total meltdown and NOTHING was distracting him, so my husband let him stand up in his stroller (he is still in the snap n' go carseat stroller). Nugget has a wee bit of a temper and tends to shake things when he is angry, so he was shaking his stroller with all of his might and FLIPPED the stroller over! Nugget did a face plant into the tile floor. Bloody lip, bloody nose, bruised forehead, and SCREAMING. After about ten minutes, he calmed down. Not wanting to be a paranoid mom, I figured he was fine since his pupils were the same size and he calmed down. A little on-line research when we got home confirmed that he didn't have any of the warning signs for a concussion. Fast forward one week...Nugget's lump is getting LARGER and LARGER. I'm trying not to be worried about it...but....it's looking pretty nasty. Even my husband is worried about it! This past Sunday, my parents stopped by on their way home from a trip to NYC. Mom took one look at it and said I should take him to the doctor first thing Monday morning. Given that she's not one to freak out about these things, I caved and decided to take him in. His pediatrician didn't think there was anything wrong, but she wasn't 100 percent sure as she felt a ridge which might indicate a skull fracture. So, we got x-rays. Holding baby still while screaming in an uncomfortable position totally SUCKS. But, he's fine and will likely have this nice little goose-egg on his head for the next few months.

In other news, my OBGyn called me today. She wants me to come back in to discuss my blood test results. Seems my estrogen levels are low and she wants to talk about how we're going to proceed with TTC. Hubby and I have been fighting about trying. Post-awesome workout today, I'm really curious about whether my training is just going to keep improving and I might be able to run a faster marathon. Hubby doesn't think that we should postpone for three months for me to run the marathon because we don't know how long it is going to take to get pregnant again and he wants to have our kids close together in age. Arg. I don't know what to do.

Resolution ACHIEVED!

"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you have now was once among the things only hoped for." Epicurus


One of my big resolutions for 2009 was to make running friends. I have been running alone for the past 8 years and...it's just not as much fun as having a running group. For those of you all that have been following me all year, you'll remember how I stalked people at races who finished around me to try to find a running partner. I struggled with chosing between "Ironwoman" and "Chill Runner" and, in the end, neither worked out. I tried running with two different running groups and finally, in the spring, I started running with a third group and found my groove.

Weekly Mileage
Monday, December 7, 2009: 10.2 miles, Body Flow
Tuesday, December 8, 2009: 10.2 miles
Wednesday, December 9, 2009: 60 minutes elliptical, P90X Abs
Thursday, December 10, 2009: 10.2 miles, CHRISTMAS PARTYING!
Friday, December 11, 2009: 10.2 miles, P90X Abs
Saturday, December 12, 2009: 12 miles, CHRISTMAS PARTYING!
Sunday, December 13, 2009: 12 miles @ 5:30 am...I couldn't sleep....
Total Mileage: 64.8 Miles

My goal for the next week until I get knocked up is to do Abs 3x a week, Yoga 1x a week, and Weights 1-2X a week. We'll see how that works out now that I'm starting to train again!! First track workout on Tuesday.

It's Been a Good Year

All this time off from running has given me so much space in my life to sleep, reflect, etc.

A couple of reflections on the Fall Marathon:
--Perhaps the most rewarding aspect of the race was that I feel like my parents now appreciate that running is important to me and that I am decent at it. My parents are deeply practical and don't see the value in running as it doesn't produce anything tangible. But, if you look closely at the pictures of me with the finalists, you can see my mother beaming in the sidelines. She called me on the Monday after the race and told me she felt like a celebrity at work because everyone kept congratulating her about my finish (one of her colleagues ran the race). I think something clicked for my parents that weekend and I doubt that they will be giving me a hard time for my "selfish hobby" of running any more.
--Running a marathon is WAY easier than having a baby. While painful, there are so many unknowns while in labor. With a marathon, you can count down the miles and know exactly how much longer you have to push yourself. I remember asking repeatedly during the 2.5 hours I spent pushing out Nugget (after 30 hours of labor) how many more pushes I was going to have to do. The doula said "5" just to shut me up. The principle of pacing yourself and giving it all at the end doesn't convey during labor. You are in an all out sprint until the end.
--My sister, who I convinced that running the 1/2 marathon would be a good way to distract herself after losing her job this past spring (d@mn recession) sent me a note after the marathon saying, "thank you for introducing me to this new way of life." Running is a way of life, an organizing principle for how I live and the closest thing I have to religion.

It's been an awesome year of running. I ran 7 races and I placed in 6 of them: top 10 for two, top 5 for two, first place for two. I have more medals than I know what to do with! Plus, I won $450! Not enough to justify the ridiculous amount of money I spend on shoes, massages, etc...ha.

All this being said....

I'm on my fourth week of no heavy running/speedwork and still not feeling motivated about running in 2010. I'm having a hard time getting excited about doing those d@mn long runs in the winter and really don't want to commit to any races if I'm hoping to get pregnant. But, if I don't commit/train and don't get pregnant, I'm really going to be pissed. If I want to run a marathon in March, I have to do my first 20 mile run in January. Ug, I cringe even thinking about it. There's another marathon in April...but might be too hilly. I'm so irritated with myself!!

Weekly Mileage
Monday, November 30, 2009: 60 minutes elliptical, Body Flow
Tuesday, December 1, 2009: 10.2 miles, 45 minutes of P90x Yoga workout
Wednesday, December 2, 2009: 10.2 miles, P90x Abs workout
Thursday, December 3, 2009: 10.2 miles
Friday, December 4, 2009: 9.5 miles, P90x Abs workout
Saturday, December 5, 2009: 75 minutes elliptical
Sunday, December 6, 2009: 12 miles, P90x Abs workout
Total Mileage: 52.1 miles