Weight Gain and Weekly Mileage

I'm too depressed about my loss of milk supply (doesn't seem to be picking up despite pumping binge) and the thought of another week of work to write anything positive. Plus, I got on the scale for the first time in 3 or 4 weeks and I have gained 5 lbs. Lovely. I was only 2 lbs away from my goal weight and now I am right back where I was a couple of months ago. I am loathe to do this...but I think it is time to start counting calories. If I am honest with myself, I have been eating like a hog and considering I am not really breast feeding any more, the weight gain shouldn't come as a surprise. But, I feel like it was just throwing salt in the wound with my depression over losing my milk supply. I also haven't been doing my 2nd workouts...yoga or weights or spin because I want to spend every spare moment with Nathan and it feels glutenous with my MIL living here.

Got. to. get. out. of. this. funk.

My 1/2 marathon is next weekend and I was really hoping to be able to keep up the 6:33/mile pace I'd had at the 10 milers I ran in April. We'll see. Now that I got all this extra booty to carry around, I don't know that it is feasible.

Weekly Mileage:
Monday, May 25, 2009: 75 minutes elliptical
Tuesday, May 26, 2009: 30 minutes Power Yoga, Track Workout: 0.75 mile warm-up, 2 x 1600 w/ 400 laps; 2 x 800 w/ 400 laps; 1 x 400; 1.5 mile cool down (~6.5 miles)
Wednesday, May 27, 2009: 10 miles
Thursday, May 28, 2009: 9.4 miles
Friday, May 29, 2009: 9.4 miles
Saturday, May 30, 2009: 9.4 miles
Sunday, May 31, 2009: 12.5 miles
Total Mileage: 57.2 miles

Losing My Milk Supply

I've been worried about my milk supply the past couple of weeks. I used to get 4-8 oz (sometimes even 12!) when I pumped and the past week or two I have only been getting 1-3 oz. I started the BC pill two weeks ago and the lactation consultant thinks this is the reason for my milk loss. I have to decide now if I am going to fight to get my milk supply back or just start using formula and give up.

I am so upset. I really thought that I would be happy to have an excuse to stop, but I love this tender time with Nathan and feel that I have failed him. I feel bitter that despite asking the doctor if the pill would affect my milk supply and his assurances that it wouldn't that I saw such a drastic reduction in my supply. I am angry that I worked SO HARD to breastfeed, going through hell the first couple of weeks only to lose it on a whim.

I am going to pump or feed every waking hour (at the suggestion of my lactation consultant) for the next week in hopes that I can get my supply back. I have stopped taking the pill, but the lactaction consultant says that it can take weeks for the hormones to get out of my body.

Rookie Mistake

Guess what I just did....LEFT OPEN THE BLINDS TO MY OFFICE WHILE I GOT READY TO PUMP. I was standing there buck naked from the waist up getting ready to pump when I realized the BLINDS WERE OPEN. Guess I gave whoever walked by my office a quick peep show!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

How embarrassing.

First Day Back At Work and I Promise NEVER To Eat Burritos Before Track AGAIN!

Well, the day I have been dreading for 6 months and 2 weeks came and went without wailing, weeping, or gnashing of teeth. It was actually surprisingly easy to leave Nathan. Of course, I was leaving him with his grandmother and was only gone for 6.5 hours. I actually only thought about him once or twice (ok, maybe once or twice every half hour), but I didn't feel as obsessed or concerned as I thought I might have. I called at lunch time and then right before I came home and that was it. He only drank one bottle while I was gone and I only had to pump once.

This being said, I am a bit concerned that my milk supply seems to have dwindled. I used to get 4-8 oz when I would pump and recently I have only been getting 3-4 oz. I can't figure out why...but am wondering if it was because I started taking Yasmin birth control pills. I don't know what to do. I started taking Yasmin to address some....ahem....other problems that I was having....with my husband and am loathe to quit them now that I have started to see some progress. But, I don't want to lose my milk! The doctor told me it wouldn't affect my milk supply, but I am thinking he might be wrong. Anyone else have experience with this?

To top off my first day back at work, I went to track practice. I made the mistake of making my FAVORITE burritos for hubby and MIL for dinner (they're from Southern Living and THEY ROCK). As I was putting together the burritos, I told myself that I could have just one taste. Three burritos later (they were small!)....I realized I had made a HUGE mistake. My workout SUCKED. The entire time I was burping and ... farting... (guh-REAT first impression to make) and felt sick to my stomach. From now on, the family is ON THEIR OWN for dinner on Tuesdays.

Weekly Mileage:
Monday, May 18, 2009: 70 minutes elliptical
Tuesday, May 19, 2009: 10 miles, Power Yoga video
Wednesday, May 20, 2009: 10 miles, Body Pump
Thursday, May 21, 2009: 8 miles w/ 6 miles @ 6:48
Friday, May 22, 2009: 9.4 miles
Saturday, May 23, 2009: 8.6 miles
Sunday, May 24, 2009: 16 miles @ 8:15 pace
Total Mileage: 62 miles

I want my itty bitty titties back

I never thought that I would say this, as my husband and I both have been enjoying my "porno" C-cup boobs, but I really want my itty bitty titties back. The novelty of having big boobs has totally worn off. I'm tired of having to wear two sports bras and am tired of being conscious of them. Plus, I got some pictures back from the 10-miler that I ran at the end of April and all I could think was "my boobs are swaying around all over the place." I feel like they make me look "thicker" around the middle. OK, maybe I am thicker around the middle than I used to be. But, the boobs really don't help!

Who is in Your Facebook Profile Picture??

I do this....

http://www.doublex.com/section/life/get-your-kid-your-facebook-page

But, I don't think it is from a loss of my sense of self. I think it is from a regained NEW sense of self that now incorporates the amazing life that my husband and I created.

I hate the feminists that think the only way for there to be equality is for women to eschew their children and solely pursue a career. And, ignore the fact that our children now consume a massive portion of our free time. And, while I would love to be as well versed in politics, the news, literature, etc., as I used to be, I now have a small being that I need to care for and that requires the development of a whole new knowledge set. And, I am unabashed in talking about my children WITH OTHER PARENTS. I try my damnedest to talk of other things to my friends who do not yet have husbands or children for that matter.

What do you all think about the merging of identity between mother and independent woman? How do we strike a healthy balance between being good parents and having our own lives?

P.S. Shin splints appear to be gone! Yeah! No stress fracture! (I TOTALLY overeact!)

All the Toys In My Mouth NOW

Lately, Nathan has been wanting to have all of his toys in his mouth all at once. If he is holding one toy, he starts crying because he wants another toy. I have found that by limiting him to one or two toys is the best way to keep peace. Otherwise, he is just frustrated by the situation.

If only someone could do the same for me.

I want it all.

I want to work and have a career. I want to stay at home and spend lots of quality time with Nathan. I want to have a very nice spending budget, a new house, and the ability to take big, expensive trips to far-away places. I want to have lots of options and not lock my husand or I into a certain lifestyle. I want to train for marathons and triathalons. I want to sleep in and not have to run at odd-ball hours.

But, I can't have it all.

I tend to view life in binary choices. Yes. No. Black. White. Career. No Career. But, we all know that life operates in shades of grey. I need to accept that there ARE do-overs and that you make mistakes. There is no perfect life. Just the one that you make.

So, thank you all for your kind comments and pearls of wisdom:

• "The most important thing to realize is that the decision you make today doesn't have to be the long term decision."
• "Kids are resilient."
• "I don't know how it's possible to fit it all in?"
• "I think that you will fall into a routine and be fine and fit everything in, just not 100% with everything."
• "I really did find the fear of [going back to work] MUCH WORSE than just DOING IT. "
• "It works out in different ways for different moms. Some moms are surprised to find that they are happier than they expected to be and other moms are surprised to find that they are not as pleased as they thought they might be. And that can probably be said for any mom/work choice - full time, part time, stay at home."
• "Expect to be frazzled at first but know that eventually it will be OKAY."
  

So, we'll see how it goes. Hubby says that I should try it out for a couple of months and if I am absolutely miserable I can reassess. One of my best friends says that she loves working because she can actually get something finished. At home with baby, she said, nothing was ever complete. As a goal oriented person, this resonated with me. I sometimes find myself going mad when I can't check off enough of my "to-do" list.

In other news, I am afraid I might have shin splints and possibly a stress fracture. The last time I had shin splints was in college. I was new to running and wore VERY old shoes and wasn't buying milk because it cost too much (see! I've lived on cheaper budgets!). I thought I had really bad shin splints and had bruises all along my shins. It got to the point that I was having a hard time walking, so I went to the school clinic. They diagnosed me with shin splints and actually put me on crutches to help them heal. It took months before they stopped hurting and I could run again. About four years ago while getting a bone scan to figure out if anything was wrong with my spine that was causing my sciatica, they found a calcium deposit in my tibia, indicating that I had a stress fracture at some point in time. Given the immense amount of pain that I had, I think that my shin splints were actually stress fracture.

Today after returning from my long run, my shin really started to hurt and I noticed that I have bruising all along my leg. Uh oh. Given that I really haven't been eating dairy in the past month and breastfeeding women are at risk for lack of calcium, I am worried that it is a stress fracture. I am icing it and hopping myself up on Ibuprofen. I'm going to take 1-2 days off and see if that helps. If not, the 1/2 marathon coming up in three weeks might be off the table. Ug.

Weekly Mileage:
Monday, May 11, 2009: Body Pump, 70 minutes elliptical
Tuesday, May 12, 2009: Track Workout: 1.75 mile warm-up; 2x 200 stride; 2 miles @ 6:15; 1200 jog; 2x 800 @ 6:05 w/ 400 jog; 2 x 400 @ 6:00, 1 mile cool down (7-8 miles total)
Wednesday, May 13, 2009: 10 miles, Power Yoga video
Thursday, May 14, 2009: 9 miles @ 7:48
Friday, May 15, 2009: 9.4 miles
Saturday, May 16, 2009: 9.4 miles
Sunday, May 17, 2009: 16 miles @ 8:15 pace
Total Mileage: 61.8 miles

Freaking Out About Going Back to Work

I should have figured that it would happen at some point...but I am really freaking out about going back to work. I have one more week off. I have been weepy every day this week. I am so nervous about how I am going to balance everything that I love in my life...spending time with Nathan, finding time to run, having a career, managing the non-profit, seeing my friends, managing a household.

In addition, I am feeling like a horrible mother. With the exception of the track workout on Tuesday, my husband has been working from 6/7am until 9 pm every night and I have had a really hard time fitting in everything....keeping up with cleaning, getting in my 2-3 hours a day for work, managing the non-profit and big event we are having next week, working out, getting ready for our photo shoot this weekend, etc. Plus, Nathan has been sick and not taking naps and very fussy. I never thought (who was I kidding) that I would lose my temper, but the past several nights by the time my husband has rolled in at 9 pm I have been near tears and just given him Nathan and told him to leave me alone for a while. Today, after Nathan was fussy all morning and screamed the entire 10 minutes of the Nebulizer, I lost it. I screamed at Nathan "be quiet." I felt terrible.

How am I going to do this? How am I going to raise Nathan and work out and work? My husband has a very demanding job and, while he does help out for 30 minutes - 2 hours a day, I know that I will be carrying the brunt of the housework and care for Nathan in addition to having my own job. I accept this because there is a chance in 1-3 years that my husband could make enough money that I could choose to stay home if I wanted to. Am I just going to be a harried working mom frustrated and stressed out all the time because I can't get everything done? If I stay home, will I be frustrated from having to take care of a child all day? I feel like it is a lose-lose proposition. All the working moms I know are always talking about how tired/stressed out/consumed by guilt they are. The two SAHMs that I know (personally, not bloggy) feel isolated.

I always said that I wanted to have my own career and my own income because I wanted to be able to have "something to fall back on." Growing up, money was power in my family and my mom often felt trapped because she didn't have a career. I swore that I would never put myself in that position and carry this baggage into my marriage.

Plus, I like to spend money. Look at my annual budget expenses:

18 Massages (once every three weeks): $1980
4 Pairs of New Running Shoes (once every three months): $480
~8 Race Registrations: $400
Clothes and Shoes ($300-500 each season): $1200

Eating Out ($100/month): $1200

Facial Products ($150 every 3 months): $600

Haircuts ($60 every 3 months): $240

Gifts: $500

Total: $6600 (or ~$550/month)

I've lived on MUCH smaller budgets, but being DINKs the past few years, I have been spoiled.

And, while it would be great in the short run to stay home, what about the long run? Would I be able to re-enter the workforce? Would I have to re-educate myself to get into a new career field that is more family friendly?

Does it really matter to Nathan who takes of him? Or does it just matter to me?

1st Track Workout in....8 YEARS!

I finally got the nerve to go check out that new running group I have been thinking about. They were great! I did my first track workout in *I think* 8 years and it was so much fun. There were a couple of girls that were right around my speed...several that were faster which is awesome. They were all very supportive and outgoing. I have tried to find my place once or twice before with a group at the track, but I never really felt like they wanted me to be there. This group was different and I think I might have found a "home."

In other news, seems my poor little man has caught my cold (his first) and it has resulted in bronchiolitis, which is too bad because kids that develop this tend to get asthma when they are older. I was hoping that my breastfeeding would prevent him from developing his father's asthma and allergies, but it seems that genetics is overruling. I have to use a nebulizer on him 3x a day until he gets better. He HATES it. :<

Sweet Mother's Day

I've always thought of Mother's Day as a "Hallmark Holiday" and kind of resented having to celebrate it. But this year....it felt like Christmas. I was so excited for Mother's Day. So excited to be a mom and to have my little man that I am so proud of. Nathan woke me up at 4 am this morning and I woke up smiling because...it was Mother's Day! I'm a mom!

Today was a near perfect day. I went for a run in the morning. We walked to our local farmer's market and bought some fresh vegetables, crunchy apples, and ground bison meat (that's a first!). We got some cleaning done around the house and cut the grass. We played with Nathan and practiced sitting. I checked out a couple of open houses (we're going to try and move this summer). Then, hubby and I went out for dinner and got frozen custard for dessert.

And my husband gave me a card with a beautiful note ....

"To the mother of my child,
Thank you for all you do. For being a concerned, careful planner attending to vaccination schedules and baby gear checklists. For greeting Nathan with joy every time he wakes and for seeing him off to sleep every night and every nap with understanding. And, for having the inner strength to endure IVF, to endure a hundred sleepless nights, and to never once waiver in regret. Love, Hubby"

AND a promise that we could get professional pictures done!!

Weekly Mileage:
Monday, May 4, 2009: 1/2 of Power Yoga video...my rib started to hurt; 70 minutes elliptical
Tuesday, May 5, 2009: 9.4 SLOW miles (rib STILL hurt), Body Pump
Wednesday, May 6, 2009: 10 SLOW miles, Power Yoga video (could make it through the whole thing; rib feeling better)
Thursday, May 7, 2009: Body Pump, 8 miles with 3 miles @ 6:18 (was supposed to do 4 miles @ 6:18, but d@mn treadmill shut down)
Friday, May 8, 2009: 9.4 miles
Saturday, May 9, 2009: 16 miles @ 8 min pace
Sunday, May 10, 2009: 8.6 miles
Total Mileage: 61.4 miles

Full Night of Sleep!!

Nathan slept thru the night for the first time!!!! He woke up once around 1 am and we let him cry it out and he was out cold until 6:45. I thought I would feel more rested, but I really don't feel that much better than the nights when I would get up with him 2-3 times. Maybe I just need a couple more good nights of rest. Eating solids and a couple nights of letting him CIO have really made the difference. We'll see if this was a fluke..........

I think my rib has finally healed. It didn't hurt on my run yesterday.

Off to go enjoy our first day of sunshine all week!

Feeling Beat Up

I'm still feeling pretty beat up from the accident last week. I tried to do a yoga video today, but one of my ribs hurt so badly that I couldn't finish it. Maybe I have a cracked/bruised rib? I guess I should go to the doctor to get all these bumps and bruises checked out. I think the EMT wasn't very thorough with my husband or me. On top of my bruises, I have some sort of cold. Hope it's not the swine flu! Wah. Wah. Wah.

Guess my training is going to be really off track for the 1/2 marathon I am running next month. Bummer.

Weekly Mileage:
Monday, April 27, 2009: Nada. Too exhausted from getting up at 5 am to get to airport and traveling most of the day. I drank some great rum drinks, though!
Tuesday, April 28, 2009: 9 miles @ 7:41 pace (Treadmill), 2 hour hike in El Yunque
Wednesday, April 29, 2009: 8 miles @ 7:41 pace (Treadmill), day of the accident
Thursday, April 30, 2009: 3 hour hike in El Yunque (VERY hard after accident, but we didn't want our vacation to get too deterred)
Friday, May 1, 2009: 60 minutes slow jog/walk outside, VERY hard with bum knee from accident
Saturday, May 2, 2009: 7 mile slow jog
Sunday, May 3, 2009: 60 minutes elliptical, my cold really started to act up plus the bum knee didn't look so hot
Total Mileage: ~30 miles

I know. I'm stupid. I should take a rest day.

Icarus

Have you ever had an experience that you feel was God's way of bringing you back to Earth? That maybe you had a bit too much hubris and you needed to be reminded how mortal you were?

I had that experience this past week in Puerto Rico; we had a very scary car wreck.

We were driving on a two lane road going around a sharp turn when a driver tried to pass a car in our lane. We swerved off the road to miss him and he swerved as well, slamming into us. Or, at least, this is what my husband tells me. My memory of the event was that I had been staring out the window at the lush green hills waiting for an occassional peek at the ocean when I was flung forward like a rag doll. I couldn't breathe. My next memory is of my husband asking me if I was OK and Nathan screaming. I kept saying no, no, no and with complete singularity my brain demanded that I must get Nathan. I opened my car door only to crumple to the ground. The next thing I remember is that I was laying on the ground and people were all around me and someone handed me Nathan. And I sobbed and kissed him all over.

I have replayed those few moments over and over in my head. The accident took place in mere seconds. A shift of the head. A slightly different angle of impact. An improperly fastened seat belt. Any of these factors could have changed the equation and we could have been dead. Nathan could have been dead. He was in this rinky-dink car seat that we got from the rental company that barely had a three-point harness. The seat belt was too tight, but we squeezed him in. What if we had made it looser? Would he have been hurt?

My husband and I are covered in bruises and had mild concussions. My hammer toe that I had surgery on is pretty swollen and my knee hurts so badly that I am still having problems walking.

But, Nathan has not one bruise. I spent the first two days after the accident repeatedly taking his clothes off and searching his body for marks, pressing his tiny little parts to see if there was some hidden pain that we couldn't see. But, he was and is fine. 10 minutes after the accident he was cooing in the arms of the EMT.

We have so much to be thankful for: