The hardest aspect of infertility is the loneliness. It is isolating to be so far on the other edge of fertile. 3 failed IVF cycles this year. I know no-one that has come this far or spent this much with nothing to show (other than those of you in the blogosphere). I know that others have talked about the hierarchy of pain and how we tend to diminish others pain if they have not suffered as much or as long as we have. I want to be a bigger person and not be bitter, but it is difficult to be surrounded in a world of people that know nothing of the pain and struggle we have been through this past year. To listen to my friends talk about the timing of their second or third child, while we are dying to have another is agony. If only we could worry about timing.
I have two friends that have gone through fertility treatments (IUIs and IVF) this year and both got pregnant. One friend got pregnant on her second cycle with twins and delivered her healthy baby girls last week. I found out yesterday that the other got pregnant on her first IVF cycle. I am so weary of never getting to the other side. To see them get pregnant and move on with life. While I am still here, still stuck. Still not pregnant.
I want to rid myself of this pain, but I don't know how. I can't run until exhaustion. I can't cry enough tears. It lives in me, this warped bitter chain of thorns around my heart. Pinching every time I breathe.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Cornell Meeting: Hope Glorious Hope
The RE was great: the right balance of concern, empathy, and scientific reasoning. She said that given my husband's numbers, while the morphology was low, there was no reason to believe that we couldn't get pregnant naturally. That being said, she said that she understood how we must find this inconceivable given all that we've been through this past year. She suggested the following:
Protocol change: My AMH and low response did indicate that I had an ovarian reserve issue and she thought that we needed a different protocol that did not include lupron, as it was likely oversupressing me. In addition, she would pretreat the ovaries with a "different agent" to coordinate the growth of the follicle (estrogen priming protocol?). She said that she would also start us at a higher dosage of FSH stimulating (for example, follistim) and limit the FSH/LH stimulating (menopur).
Day 3 versus Day 5 Transfer: She suggested that we do an "aggressive" Day 3 transfer, i.e., transfer 3-4 embryos. She said that there has been a shift in protocol to using Day 3 transfers again and that the body is the best incubator for the embryos, which is why Cornell does co-culture of embryos with endometrial cells from their patient.
No PGD, Immune Issues, Endometrial Implantation Issues: She also said that she didn't believe that we had any genetic issues that impact the quality of the embryos and wouldn't suggest PGD. She said they don't know the long term impacts of PGD and that PGD might identify one cell with an issue, but that other cells may be chromosomally normal. She said embyros have an ability to "heal" themselves and that if the embryos were given a chance to survive on their own, they may overcome any of the issues in one or more cells. She also doesn't believe that we have any indicators of immune or endometrial implantation issues.
So, now what?
We don't have any insurance coverage with Cornell and would have to pay out of pocket. IVF costs $15,000 (co-culture, ICSI, assisted hatching), which I believe doesn't include the cost of the drugs, so tack on another $5-7,000.
We would have insurance coverage for RMA and would likely only have to pay for the PGD ($4,500) if my husband's insurance doesn't cover it.
Do we try one more cycle at RMA since we would basically have to pay nothing and then if that doesn't work go up to Cornell? Or do we just go to Cornell now and suck it up?
Do we do PGD? Is it just a waste of money? If we don't do PGD does it make sense to go to RMA?
Decisions. Decisions.
HELP!
Protocol change: My AMH and low response did indicate that I had an ovarian reserve issue and she thought that we needed a different protocol that did not include lupron, as it was likely oversupressing me. In addition, she would pretreat the ovaries with a "different agent" to coordinate the growth of the follicle (estrogen priming protocol?). She said that she would also start us at a higher dosage of FSH stimulating (for example, follistim) and limit the FSH/LH stimulating (menopur).
Day 3 versus Day 5 Transfer: She suggested that we do an "aggressive" Day 3 transfer, i.e., transfer 3-4 embryos. She said that there has been a shift in protocol to using Day 3 transfers again and that the body is the best incubator for the embryos, which is why Cornell does co-culture of embryos with endometrial cells from their patient.
No PGD, Immune Issues, Endometrial Implantation Issues: She also said that she didn't believe that we had any genetic issues that impact the quality of the embryos and wouldn't suggest PGD. She said they don't know the long term impacts of PGD and that PGD might identify one cell with an issue, but that other cells may be chromosomally normal. She said embyros have an ability to "heal" themselves and that if the embryos were given a chance to survive on their own, they may overcome any of the issues in one or more cells. She also doesn't believe that we have any indicators of immune or endometrial implantation issues.
So, now what?
We don't have any insurance coverage with Cornell and would have to pay out of pocket. IVF costs $15,000 (co-culture, ICSI, assisted hatching), which I believe doesn't include the cost of the drugs, so tack on another $5-7,000.
We would have insurance coverage for RMA and would likely only have to pay for the PGD ($4,500) if my husband's insurance doesn't cover it.
Do we try one more cycle at RMA since we would basically have to pay nothing and then if that doesn't work go up to Cornell? Or do we just go to Cornell now and suck it up?
Do we do PGD? Is it just a waste of money? If we don't do PGD does it make sense to go to RMA?
Decisions. Decisions.
HELP!
Monday, December 13, 2010
Updates from the past week
No updates in a while because I have been recovering from a full family plague of the stomach flu....
The only thing worse than having the stomach flu is having a husband and small child suffering at the same time!! Let's just say there was a lot of television watching going on...I think we watched every Christmas show out there. And, I've had a very healthy diet consisting of cookies, pizza, and bread for the past few days. I have to get back on the leafy, green vegetables and fruit train again soon. And, maybe a little exercising again once I stop feeling dizzy when I climb one flight of stairs.
Sher Institute Consult:
Last Monday, I spoke with an RE from the Sher Institute. He spend over an hour discussing my prior IVF cycles and explaining immune testing. He indicated that he thought we should definitely have immune testing done as we had repeat IVF failures. When I asked how we could have immune issues after successfully conceiving my son, he said that the body is not a static and, just as women become hypothyroid after their first child, so can our body change in terms of immunity. I would like to get the testing done...which would be approximately $1 K, but I can't seem to convince my husband to sign on. He doesn't think we should persue this avenue as we don't have repeated losses or any family history of immunologic diseases. Plus, this is just getting expensive. Between therapy, accupuncture, and adoption stuff, we've dropped nearly $2K this month...and we still have all these upcoming fertility cycles to pay for...My motto is generally "better safe than sorry," so we're at a bit of an impasse.
RMA Consult:
Our meeting with RMA last week was...unsuprising. Of course, he agreed with our prior RE that there was no reason to suspect implantation issues, immune issues, or other hormone issues. He believes that we may have a genetic issue and wants us to do the antagonist protocol. Due to my low antral follicle count (9 as of last Thurs), he doesn't think I'll ever be a big responder to meds and shouldn't expect more than 9-10 eggs retrieved, which of course lowers my chances of finding a viable embryo. He attributes embryo quality issues to the egg and said that--aside from age--the biggest differential in producing good eggs is improving the protocol. He said that his clinic has an 80% implantation rate for eggs that are genetically viable. He wants us to have one natural cycle and then would put me on BCP for 1-3 weeks and then start the stimming. He doesn't believe in immune issues, thought my HSG looked good, and said that genetic issues such as chromosomal translocation and the such are typically characterized by repeat pregnancy loss, which I don't have. I did like the way that the clinic was run and can do most of my monitoring down here at my local clinic. Also, he said that I shouldn't have my heart rate go over 130bpm during exercise while cycling...which basically means slow walking. My old RE said that I could continue running below 20 MPW as well as other exercise. He said the biggest problem with exercise is that it increases your body core temperature. He said that I could swim, which would increase my heart rate, but wouldn't matter because my body core temperature would remain low. Also, they are strong supporters of laser accupuncture and have an on-site clinic that will do accupuncture prior to retrieval and transfer. It's $200...so I'm definitely signing up.
The RE poo-poo'd many of the studies I cited from Sher...saying that they weren't based on statistically sound studies. He doesn't believe in immune issues or that too much testosterone (androgens) from long lupron, antagonist, or micro-dose lupron flare protocols negatively affect the growth of eggs in women with diminished ovarian reserve.
Duking it out with Cornell:
I don't know who to believe. I'm not sure whether "group think" is occuring and newer theories are automatically being thrown out without given full consideration. There is no One Truth in anything: in faith, life, or science. As much as doctors think they know, there is twice as much that they don't know. And, I could see them being wary of testing new theories if it would call to question everything they have previously posited. I would hate to be the victim of Type One errors. So as to seek out a 3rd, neutral party, I have a con call scheduled with Cornell on Thursday. I'm paying out of pocket (and not telling my hubby), but I feel that I need closure on whether we are pursuing the right path.
Something Positive:
Taking a note from Ms. Brightside, here's my positive for the week: at my ultrasound on Thursday, I had a big beautiful follicle growing! The doctor estimated that I would ovulate in 4-5 days. I'm on Day 5 now, but still haven't gotten a + from my ovulation predictor...but I think something is happening and it should be coming soon. Perhaps delayed due to my stomach flu? So, thankfully, I'm not going to have another 60+ day cycle before I get my period!
Also, I took a photography course this past Saturday. Which made me want a more expensive camera...but was also a nice way to disconnect from all this infertility stuff.
The only thing worse than having the stomach flu is having a husband and small child suffering at the same time!! Let's just say there was a lot of television watching going on...I think we watched every Christmas show out there. And, I've had a very healthy diet consisting of cookies, pizza, and bread for the past few days. I have to get back on the leafy, green vegetables and fruit train again soon. And, maybe a little exercising again once I stop feeling dizzy when I climb one flight of stairs.
Sher Institute Consult:
Last Monday, I spoke with an RE from the Sher Institute. He spend over an hour discussing my prior IVF cycles and explaining immune testing. He indicated that he thought we should definitely have immune testing done as we had repeat IVF failures. When I asked how we could have immune issues after successfully conceiving my son, he said that the body is not a static and, just as women become hypothyroid after their first child, so can our body change in terms of immunity. I would like to get the testing done...which would be approximately $1 K, but I can't seem to convince my husband to sign on. He doesn't think we should persue this avenue as we don't have repeated losses or any family history of immunologic diseases. Plus, this is just getting expensive. Between therapy, accupuncture, and adoption stuff, we've dropped nearly $2K this month...and we still have all these upcoming fertility cycles to pay for...My motto is generally "better safe than sorry," so we're at a bit of an impasse.
RMA Consult:
Our meeting with RMA last week was...unsuprising. Of course, he agreed with our prior RE that there was no reason to suspect implantation issues, immune issues, or other hormone issues. He believes that we may have a genetic issue and wants us to do the antagonist protocol. Due to my low antral follicle count (9 as of last Thurs), he doesn't think I'll ever be a big responder to meds and shouldn't expect more than 9-10 eggs retrieved, which of course lowers my chances of finding a viable embryo. He attributes embryo quality issues to the egg and said that--aside from age--the biggest differential in producing good eggs is improving the protocol. He said that his clinic has an 80% implantation rate for eggs that are genetically viable. He wants us to have one natural cycle and then would put me on BCP for 1-3 weeks and then start the stimming. He doesn't believe in immune issues, thought my HSG looked good, and said that genetic issues such as chromosomal translocation and the such are typically characterized by repeat pregnancy loss, which I don't have. I did like the way that the clinic was run and can do most of my monitoring down here at my local clinic. Also, he said that I shouldn't have my heart rate go over 130bpm during exercise while cycling...which basically means slow walking. My old RE said that I could continue running below 20 MPW as well as other exercise. He said the biggest problem with exercise is that it increases your body core temperature. He said that I could swim, which would increase my heart rate, but wouldn't matter because my body core temperature would remain low. Also, they are strong supporters of laser accupuncture and have an on-site clinic that will do accupuncture prior to retrieval and transfer. It's $200...so I'm definitely signing up.
The RE poo-poo'd many of the studies I cited from Sher...saying that they weren't based on statistically sound studies. He doesn't believe in immune issues or that too much testosterone (androgens) from long lupron, antagonist, or micro-dose lupron flare protocols negatively affect the growth of eggs in women with diminished ovarian reserve.
Duking it out with Cornell:
I don't know who to believe. I'm not sure whether "group think" is occuring and newer theories are automatically being thrown out without given full consideration. There is no One Truth in anything: in faith, life, or science. As much as doctors think they know, there is twice as much that they don't know. And, I could see them being wary of testing new theories if it would call to question everything they have previously posited. I would hate to be the victim of Type One errors. So as to seek out a 3rd, neutral party, I have a con call scheduled with Cornell on Thursday. I'm paying out of pocket (and not telling my hubby), but I feel that I need closure on whether we are pursuing the right path.
Something Positive:
Taking a note from Ms. Brightside, here's my positive for the week: at my ultrasound on Thursday, I had a big beautiful follicle growing! The doctor estimated that I would ovulate in 4-5 days. I'm on Day 5 now, but still haven't gotten a + from my ovulation predictor...but I think something is happening and it should be coming soon. Perhaps delayed due to my stomach flu? So, thankfully, I'm not going to have another 60+ day cycle before I get my period!
Also, I took a photography course this past Saturday. Which made me want a more expensive camera...but was also a nice way to disconnect from all this infertility stuff.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Crossroads
I think I'm about to lose my mind. I feel a bit diametrically opposed, two parts in one, and not sure of the direction I am going.
Over the course of one week, I will have:
--had my first homestudy interview
--gone to an adoption agency interview
--gone to an accupuncturist for fertility treatment
--bought Dr. Beer's book "Is Your Body Baby Friendly"
--had a con call with Dr. Corley from SIRM
--driven to NJ for an initial blood work-up at RMA for any genetic issues and SIRM for immune issues
--set up a meeting with Cornell for next week
--set up a meeting with an adoption attorney for the following week
After our first homestudy and the adoption agency meeting, I felt calm, at peace. Going to the adoption agency and learning about all the support they provide in terms of support groups, training, etc., I felt welcomed into a new sub-group. A place where I could belong. A place where others would understand my pain and struggle. A place of healing. We could have a child. While it wouldn't be our biological child, and in some ways we would always be "broken," we would be making a choice to hope for the best, to embrace that our truest heart's desire is to love a child and have a family.
But, at the same time, I reeled at the thought of never carrying another baby. Of being the odd person out at baby showers. The broken one. And, I know that this is my perspective. I won't say that I loved every minute of being pregnant. Labor and afterbirth was hell. But, It had it's amazing moments. To create life. To feel my little man moving in my body. Those were some of the most precious moments in my life. For me to admit and accept that they might never happen again seems too much to bear.
My straight-A student, try harder indignance comes out and I want to fight for my biological child. Do all the research. Try all the tests. Make sure that I exhaust myself completely in this journey for another biological child.
Then I grow weary. Tired of the struggle. Tired of trying to figure out whether the doctors have an agenda, can be trusted, and are doing everything in their power to get me pregnant. I just want a break from it all. From life. From my mother calling every day to remind me "how lucky we are to have Nuggett" and that I shouldn't "mope around" and I "need to get in the spirit of Christmas." (From the woman that got pregnant on her first try with all four children.)
Over the course of one week, I will have:
--had my first homestudy interview
--gone to an adoption agency interview
--gone to an accupuncturist for fertility treatment
--bought Dr. Beer's book "Is Your Body Baby Friendly"
--had a con call with Dr. Corley from SIRM
--driven to NJ for an initial blood work-up at RMA for any genetic issues and SIRM for immune issues
--set up a meeting with Cornell for next week
--set up a meeting with an adoption attorney for the following week
After our first homestudy and the adoption agency meeting, I felt calm, at peace. Going to the adoption agency and learning about all the support they provide in terms of support groups, training, etc., I felt welcomed into a new sub-group. A place where I could belong. A place where others would understand my pain and struggle. A place of healing. We could have a child. While it wouldn't be our biological child, and in some ways we would always be "broken," we would be making a choice to hope for the best, to embrace that our truest heart's desire is to love a child and have a family.
But, at the same time, I reeled at the thought of never carrying another baby. Of being the odd person out at baby showers. The broken one. And, I know that this is my perspective. I won't say that I loved every minute of being pregnant. Labor and afterbirth was hell. But, It had it's amazing moments. To create life. To feel my little man moving in my body. Those were some of the most precious moments in my life. For me to admit and accept that they might never happen again seems too much to bear.
My straight-A student, try harder indignance comes out and I want to fight for my biological child. Do all the research. Try all the tests. Make sure that I exhaust myself completely in this journey for another biological child.
Then I grow weary. Tired of the struggle. Tired of trying to figure out whether the doctors have an agenda, can be trusted, and are doing everything in their power to get me pregnant. I just want a break from it all. From life. From my mother calling every day to remind me "how lucky we are to have Nuggett" and that I shouldn't "mope around" and I "need to get in the spirit of Christmas." (From the woman that got pregnant on her first try with all four children.)
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Next Steps
On Sunday, I cried. I sat on the sofa, curled in the fetal position, and spent most of the day regretting my life.
By mid-afternoon, my husband was sick of it. He wanted to move forward. Make decisions. He even pulled out his white board to map out our next steps.
I wanted to mourn. Somehow try to get the loss in my soul to leak out with the tears. Be in my moment of misery.
We fought. I didn't understand why he wouldn't allow me this time to be sad. He didn't understand why I had to dwell on things we can't change. I made him leave the house. He came back with two cupcakes, hugged me, and we agreed to allow each other to process our grief in our own ways.
Today we met with our RE. He said that he gives us a 10-15% chance of IVF working. He doesn't believe that we have an implantation issue, but said that he would do another endometrial biopsy to ensure that the endometritis is gone. He doesn't think that a hysteroscopy is necessary, because I didn't have any signs of lesions or the like in my hysterosonogram. He doesn't believe in immune issues and holds that if these were a problem, then we wouldn't have been able to conceive my son.
He does believe that we may have a genetic issue which may be causing the lower quality embryos. He doesn't know if the source of the problem is the eggs, the sperm, or both. He wants us to do one last "hail mary" cycle up at Reproduct.ive Me.dicine A.ssociates (RMA) in New Jersey. He said they can do same day PGD to see if the embryos are normal. If the embryos are normal and don't implant OR if the embryos are not normal, then he thinks we should move on to donor eggs/sperm/embryos or adoption. He said that this way, we would have closure as to the root cause of our problem. Also, he said we could do an experiment with donor eggs/sperm to see whether the problem was the eggs or the sperm, but this probably wouldn't be covered by insurance (I have to look into this). This is probably cost-prohibitive though....
So, next Thursday, I have an appointment at RMA. Anyone out there know anything about RMA? They seem to have pretty good statistics and I have found some on-line groups with positive reviews. Do you think I should drive there for the appointment? It's about 4 hours away from where we live. I am leaning towards driving there to get a feel for the doctor and be available for any necessary testing. The best news is that my insurance plan covers cycles at his clinic.
We're also moving forward with adoption. We have our first homestudy interview this Friday.
I am trying to keep myself motivated and attached....but I feel this deep grief that befuddles my mind. I keep repeating: I can't believe this is my life. I can't believe this is my life.
I just want the pain to be over. To know where we are going, how much money we are going to spend, and that...at the end of it all...we will find some peace and happiness.
I wish someone could give me that. Someone could hold me and comfort me and tell me that all will be OK in the world. But, no one can promise me that. Life is suffering. There is no avoiding it.
By mid-afternoon, my husband was sick of it. He wanted to move forward. Make decisions. He even pulled out his white board to map out our next steps.
I wanted to mourn. Somehow try to get the loss in my soul to leak out with the tears. Be in my moment of misery.
We fought. I didn't understand why he wouldn't allow me this time to be sad. He didn't understand why I had to dwell on things we can't change. I made him leave the house. He came back with two cupcakes, hugged me, and we agreed to allow each other to process our grief in our own ways.
Today we met with our RE. He said that he gives us a 10-15% chance of IVF working. He doesn't believe that we have an implantation issue, but said that he would do another endometrial biopsy to ensure that the endometritis is gone. He doesn't think that a hysteroscopy is necessary, because I didn't have any signs of lesions or the like in my hysterosonogram. He doesn't believe in immune issues and holds that if these were a problem, then we wouldn't have been able to conceive my son.
He does believe that we may have a genetic issue which may be causing the lower quality embryos. He doesn't know if the source of the problem is the eggs, the sperm, or both. He wants us to do one last "hail mary" cycle up at Reproduct.ive Me.dicine A.ssociates (RMA) in New Jersey. He said they can do same day PGD to see if the embryos are normal. If the embryos are normal and don't implant OR if the embryos are not normal, then he thinks we should move on to donor eggs/sperm/embryos or adoption. He said that this way, we would have closure as to the root cause of our problem. Also, he said we could do an experiment with donor eggs/sperm to see whether the problem was the eggs or the sperm, but this probably wouldn't be covered by insurance (I have to look into this). This is probably cost-prohibitive though....
So, next Thursday, I have an appointment at RMA. Anyone out there know anything about RMA? They seem to have pretty good statistics and I have found some on-line groups with positive reviews. Do you think I should drive there for the appointment? It's about 4 hours away from where we live. I am leaning towards driving there to get a feel for the doctor and be available for any necessary testing. The best news is that my insurance plan covers cycles at his clinic.
We're also moving forward with adoption. We have our first homestudy interview this Friday.
I am trying to keep myself motivated and attached....but I feel this deep grief that befuddles my mind. I keep repeating: I can't believe this is my life. I can't believe this is my life.
I just want the pain to be over. To know where we are going, how much money we are going to spend, and that...at the end of it all...we will find some peace and happiness.
I wish someone could give me that. Someone could hold me and comfort me and tell me that all will be OK in the world. But, no one can promise me that. Life is suffering. There is no avoiding it.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Feeling Shaky
Last night, I was cold, chilly. I asked my husband and MIL if they were cold. No, they said. We're comfortable. I took my temperature: 97.2. And, became convinced that I am NOT pregnant. For, if I was pregnant, my temperature would be higher. Granted it was 97.6 when I took it this morning…but, shouldn't it be warmer? Shouldn't I be hot?
All day long, I've been feeling shaky. As if I am not sure that my legs can withstand the weight of my body. My heart aflutter, I fear the results on Sunday. I fear that we'll face another failure. I fear that we'll never have more children of our own. That we'll do IVF again and again with the same negative result.
I feel anger. Resentment. That last year at Thanksgiving I was so hopeful, thanking God for the improvement in hubby's sperm that put us in "normal land," which was apparently a fluke test. Because we are nothing close to normal.
And, yet. I still feel like this could all be some big mistake. That we are indeed fertile. That we've just had bad timing or bad luck. We're still fertile, viable young people. That can have sex and make a baby.
Help me find the strength to make it through these next four days…and weeks after that if the result is negative.
All day long, I've been feeling shaky. As if I am not sure that my legs can withstand the weight of my body. My heart aflutter, I fear the results on Sunday. I fear that we'll face another failure. I fear that we'll never have more children of our own. That we'll do IVF again and again with the same negative result.
I feel anger. Resentment. That last year at Thanksgiving I was so hopeful, thanking God for the improvement in hubby's sperm that put us in "normal land," which was apparently a fluke test. Because we are nothing close to normal.
And, yet. I still feel like this could all be some big mistake. That we are indeed fertile. That we've just had bad timing or bad luck. We're still fertile, viable young people. That can have sex and make a baby.
Help me find the strength to make it through these next four days…and weeks after that if the result is negative.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
I don't feel anything....
I've done this enough, that I know I should not analyze everything little twinge....but I feel nothing. No implantation cramping (which I believe I may have had with my son). No rise in temperature. Nada.
I know that I didn't really notice anything with my son until he was 6 weeks...so I shouldn't read too much into this.
I keep reading all these posts about people doing a HPT 5-9 days post 5 day transfer and getting a positive result...but I don't know that I am strong enough to handle taking one.
Plus, life seriously has the worst timing because my MIL has been here the past 2 two-week waits. I've had to prolong taking the HPT because I don't want to do it while she is around and have a total melt down.
Can someone please reassure that I should or shouldn't be feeling anything? Or, give me the cold, hard truth that if I was pregnant, I would feel something. My temperature would be rising. Or, something?
(I don't take my temperature in the morning, but I just usually notice whether I'm throwing off all the covers or snuggling with my husband.
Sigh.
I know that I didn't really notice anything with my son until he was 6 weeks...so I shouldn't read too much into this.
I keep reading all these posts about people doing a HPT 5-9 days post 5 day transfer and getting a positive result...but I don't know that I am strong enough to handle taking one.
Plus, life seriously has the worst timing because my MIL has been here the past 2 two-week waits. I've had to prolong taking the HPT because I don't want to do it while she is around and have a total melt down.
Can someone please reassure that I should or shouldn't be feeling anything? Or, give me the cold, hard truth that if I was pregnant, I would feel something. My temperature would be rising. Or, something?
(I don't take my temperature in the morning, but I just usually notice whether I'm throwing off all the covers or snuggling with my husband.
Sigh.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Phoenix
I haven't written the past few days for fear of jinxing anything...
After the initial fertilization report on Friday, I was reeling. Thinking there was no hope.
Like the phoenix rising from the ashes, hope was reborn.
The RE called on Saturday to let us know that actually ALL of the eggs fertilized! There were two 2-cells (the ones they didn't think fertilized), one 3-cell, and one 4-cell on Day 2. He reiterated that we needed to make a decision about whether we would be doing a Day 3 or Day 5 transfer, emphasizing that he understood the emotional aspect of the decision: Day 3 transfer gave us Nugget and the two previous Day 5 transfers resulted in Nothing. Obviously, he indicated that "science" suggested that if the embryos wouldn't make it to Day 5 they likely wouldn't make it. However, he said that I could make the "emotional" decision and do a Day 3 transfer and have to wait the two weeks with no real sense of whether they were strong embryos.
I decided to "rip off the bandaid" and see whether they would make it to Day 5. Yesterday was hell. I was intermittedly crying all day, wondering if I made the right decision.
I was rewarded! Today, we were able to transfer three embryos! One blastocyst and two morulas. The embryologist said that they looked better quality than our August transfer.
Hope again.....
Go, Liam, Mia, and Olivia!!!!
After the initial fertilization report on Friday, I was reeling. Thinking there was no hope.
Like the phoenix rising from the ashes, hope was reborn.
The RE called on Saturday to let us know that actually ALL of the eggs fertilized! There were two 2-cells (the ones they didn't think fertilized), one 3-cell, and one 4-cell on Day 2. He reiterated that we needed to make a decision about whether we would be doing a Day 3 or Day 5 transfer, emphasizing that he understood the emotional aspect of the decision: Day 3 transfer gave us Nugget and the two previous Day 5 transfers resulted in Nothing. Obviously, he indicated that "science" suggested that if the embryos wouldn't make it to Day 5 they likely wouldn't make it. However, he said that I could make the "emotional" decision and do a Day 3 transfer and have to wait the two weeks with no real sense of whether they were strong embryos.
I decided to "rip off the bandaid" and see whether they would make it to Day 5. Yesterday was hell. I was intermittedly crying all day, wondering if I made the right decision.
I was rewarded! Today, we were able to transfer three embryos! One blastocyst and two morulas. The embryologist said that they looked better quality than our August transfer.
Hope again.....
Go, Liam, Mia, and Olivia!!!!
Friday, November 12, 2010
Afraid (Updated)
I had high hopes for yesterday's egg retrieval. We tried a different protocol. I've been on more drugs that EVER before. I have tried to be relaxed and ambivalent and not too attached to this cycle so that I wouldn't ride the rollercoaster of highs and lows with follicle counts, E2 levels, etc.
But, I was devastated yesterday to learn that they only got 4 mature eggs out of 8. I don't understand.
I am biting my nails. Trying to keep busy with work. Waiting, waiting, waiting. To see how many fertilized. To see if we are going to have any to put back.
I am hoping that my husband made some super sperm and they fertilize everything like they did the cycle with Nugget.
Please, God, please.
*****************************************
Updated
The RE just called. Only 2 of the 4 eggs fertilized. We have to decide whether we do a day 3 or day 5 transfer. My inclination is to wait until day 5. If they aren't good embryos, then I'd rather not wait another two weeks to get a negative. He only gives us a 15-20% chance of getting pregnant by IVF. When do we stop this??
But, I was devastated yesterday to learn that they only got 4 mature eggs out of 8. I don't understand.
I am biting my nails. Trying to keep busy with work. Waiting, waiting, waiting. To see how many fertilized. To see if we are going to have any to put back.
I am hoping that my husband made some super sperm and they fertilize everything like they did the cycle with Nugget.
Please, God, please.
*****************************************
Updated
The RE just called. Only 2 of the 4 eggs fertilized. We have to decide whether we do a day 3 or day 5 transfer. My inclination is to wait until day 5. If they aren't good embryos, then I'd rather not wait another two weeks to get a negative. He only gives us a 15-20% chance of getting pregnant by IVF. When do we stop this??
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Waiting Room Etiquette
While in my RE's waiting room today....I saw someone I know. I'm not sure she saw me because I quickly ran over to the water fountain to avoid her.
I don't know why I hid.
I'm usually pretty open that we had trouble conceiving. And, we have some mutual friends, so she may know of my troubles.
The first thing I wanted to do was to call a girl that I know (who also did IVF to get pregnant and knows this woman) and tell her that this woman was at my clinic this morning...so she must be having problems, too. There's more of us infertiles out there!
I don't want to be a catty gossip, though, so I am not going to tell anyone. Well, except maybe the whole blogosphere.
Should I have acknowledged her? Surely I am going to run into her again if she is undergoing treatment.
What would you do if you ran into someone you know at the RE's office?
Does my avoidance of the situation demonstrate that I am actually embarassed that we have to undergo fertility treatments? Or was it merely that I wasn't sure how to handle the situation and, thus, just avoided it.
Why do we feel embarrased about our infertility? Does it mean that we are "lesser" human beings? Does it mean we are broken? Unlucky? Frail? I don't want people to pity me, but at the same time, I would like some acknowledgement of the horrible agony I must endure on a daily basis. We have people out there cheering for the "ta tas" but does anyone give a d@mn about the infertiles silently suffering? Why is our "disease" treated as cosmetic and superficial and "voluntary" or "self-inflicted" and not covered by insurance?
I don't know why I hid.
I'm usually pretty open that we had trouble conceiving. And, we have some mutual friends, so she may know of my troubles.
The first thing I wanted to do was to call a girl that I know (who also did IVF to get pregnant and knows this woman) and tell her that this woman was at my clinic this morning...so she must be having problems, too. There's more of us infertiles out there!
I don't want to be a catty gossip, though, so I am not going to tell anyone. Well, except maybe the whole blogosphere.
Should I have acknowledged her? Surely I am going to run into her again if she is undergoing treatment.
What would you do if you ran into someone you know at the RE's office?
Does my avoidance of the situation demonstrate that I am actually embarassed that we have to undergo fertility treatments? Or was it merely that I wasn't sure how to handle the situation and, thus, just avoided it.
Why do we feel embarrased about our infertility? Does it mean that we are "lesser" human beings? Does it mean we are broken? Unlucky? Frail? I don't want people to pity me, but at the same time, I would like some acknowledgement of the horrible agony I must endure on a daily basis. We have people out there cheering for the "ta tas" but does anyone give a d@mn about the infertiles silently suffering? Why is our "disease" treated as cosmetic and superficial and "voluntary" or "self-inflicted" and not covered by insurance?
Monday, November 8, 2010
Lazy Blogger Monday: Photos from the Past Few Weeks
Hopefully, these somewhat maintain my anonymity...but here are a few shots from the past few weeks.
Nugget's Birthday Cake...Doesn't he look scared?
Nugget running like a mad man around the house with his birthday balloons.
Nugget's Birthday Cake...Doesn't he look scared?
Nugget running like a mad man around the house with his birthday balloons.Nugget all decked out in his Halloween costume for the neighborhood parade. A firetruck came!
Nugget at a local apple orchard/farm. He loves animals!
Nugget at a local apple orchard/farm. He loves animals!
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Don't Know Where I'm Going
My E2 levels appear low to me (156 on day 7 of stimming, 753 on day 10 of stimming).
I'm worried I'm not doing the follistim shot correctly.
I think I only have 7 eggs. I think they're around 17-19 mm. Most of them about the same size.
Other than that, I am tired. Worried. But, too busy to figure out whether the E2 numbers are comparable to my prior cycles. Too busy to get on Dr. Google and google the heck out of whether my follicle development is slow or low E2 levels are indication of a problem.
I have some fun shots of Nugget's birthday celebration this weekend and will post them in the next few days.
I'm worried I'm not doing the follistim shot correctly.
I think I only have 7 eggs. I think they're around 17-19 mm. Most of them about the same size.
Other than that, I am tired. Worried. But, too busy to figure out whether the E2 numbers are comparable to my prior cycles. Too busy to get on Dr. Google and google the heck out of whether my follicle development is slow or low E2 levels are indication of a problem.
I have some fun shots of Nugget's birthday celebration this weekend and will post them in the next few days.
Friday, November 5, 2010
I'd rather poke my eye out than deal with my insurance company
On Wednesday, the RE upped my meds: in the am 200 follistim, 75 menupor, 20 lupron (same), in the pm 100 follistim, 150 menupor, 20 lupron.
I quickly realized that I was going to run out menupor Friday morning and follistim on Saturday morning. So, being the good little patient, I called my nurse and let her know that I was going to need more medicine. I also called my insurance company to find out if the RE's office would have to call in a new prescription or whether I had refills. They told me I had 3 refills. Perfect. Thus, all I needed to do was figure out how many meds I needed to get through Monday, when I could order more meds (my insurance company's speciality infertility pharmacy is closed on the weekend). That is, if I will need them. I will have been stimming for 12 days at that point.
On Thursday, I called the insurance company's speciality infertility pharmacy to order more meds. They said that I can't get refills and that I need my nurse to fax in a cycle review sheet and a new prescription. Fine. I called my nurse and told her that my insurance company needed this information and gave her their phone and fax numbers. She calls them and faxes over the required information. I don't have time to call again (meetings) until 5:20 and, at this point, the insurance representative says that they can't fill my order because they don't have authorization and that the cycle review sheet hasn't been received. CRAP. I can't get my meds tomorrow.
Friday morning. Bright and f'ing early. I call the insurance company again to figure out why this hasn't been authorized. I call my nurse to figure out what she needs to do to get this authorized.
And, so, here I sit. Mid-day friday. No menupor for tonight. Insurance company says they can't deliver until tomorrow. Thankfully, my RE says they can give me enough menupor to last through tonight. But, they have no follistim, so I *really* need to get that from my insurance company's pharmacy OR ELSE.
Guess where I'm supposed to be tomorrow? At my parent's house. Two hours away. Celebrating my son's second birthday.
Why does this have to be so f'ing complicated???
I may or may not have ended up crying and screaming at the stupid insurance people who all provided me with different information that resulted in me being in this awful position.
If I ever meet you in person: Linda, Melanie, Laura, Raul, Terry, or Kelly....BEWARE.
I quickly realized that I was going to run out menupor Friday morning and follistim on Saturday morning. So, being the good little patient, I called my nurse and let her know that I was going to need more medicine. I also called my insurance company to find out if the RE's office would have to call in a new prescription or whether I had refills. They told me I had 3 refills. Perfect. Thus, all I needed to do was figure out how many meds I needed to get through Monday, when I could order more meds (my insurance company's speciality infertility pharmacy is closed on the weekend). That is, if I will need them. I will have been stimming for 12 days at that point.
On Thursday, I called the insurance company's speciality infertility pharmacy to order more meds. They said that I can't get refills and that I need my nurse to fax in a cycle review sheet and a new prescription. Fine. I called my nurse and told her that my insurance company needed this information and gave her their phone and fax numbers. She calls them and faxes over the required information. I don't have time to call again (meetings) until 5:20 and, at this point, the insurance representative says that they can't fill my order because they don't have authorization and that the cycle review sheet hasn't been received. CRAP. I can't get my meds tomorrow.
Friday morning. Bright and f'ing early. I call the insurance company again to figure out why this hasn't been authorized. I call my nurse to figure out what she needs to do to get this authorized.
And, so, here I sit. Mid-day friday. No menupor for tonight. Insurance company says they can't deliver until tomorrow. Thankfully, my RE says they can give me enough menupor to last through tonight. But, they have no follistim, so I *really* need to get that from my insurance company's pharmacy OR ELSE.
Guess where I'm supposed to be tomorrow? At my parent's house. Two hours away. Celebrating my son's second birthday.
Why does this have to be so f'ing complicated???
I may or may not have ended up crying and screaming at the stupid insurance people who all provided me with different information that resulted in me being in this awful position.
If I ever meet you in person: Linda, Melanie, Laura, Raul, Terry, or Kelly....BEWARE.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Things that are breaking my heart
My husband has grown disillusioned with his company and is trying to decide whether he should take a job at a new company or start his own partnership. Big decision, right? This stuff has been keeping him up at night for the past 6 months. Last night, as I was rocking Nugget in his room, we were talking about his successful job interview earlier that day with the Grand Poo-bah at the new company and how they were going to be making my husband an offer. I asked my husband what he thought he would do, where he thought he'd be happier. He leaned over, kissed Nugget's head, sighed and said: "I don't really care what I do. All I care is that we get pregnant."
The sun wasn't even up yet and I awoke this morning to the sound of Nugget chatting away to himself in his room. I suppose he must have been having a conversation with his friends "Car" and "Train" who travel with him everywhere now. I tiptoed to his door and stood listening to his undulating words for a few minutes before I made my way out the door for my morning walk.
I have three tubs of empty needles sitting on top of my bookshelf. Full of empty hope from the last cycles. Maybe I should throw them away.
Tomorrow is Nugget's 2nd birthday.
The sun wasn't even up yet and I awoke this morning to the sound of Nugget chatting away to himself in his room. I suppose he must have been having a conversation with his friends "Car" and "Train" who travel with him everywhere now. I tiptoed to his door and stood listening to his undulating words for a few minutes before I made my way out the door for my morning walk.
I have three tubs of empty needles sitting on top of my bookshelf. Full of empty hope from the last cycles. Maybe I should throw them away.
Tomorrow is Nugget's 2nd birthday.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
I wanna RUN
That's it. I'm done. I'm sick of it. I want to go for a nice long run and then I want to go lift weights and then maybe I'll go for a walk. That's right. All in one day. What are you gonna do about it?
I'm having a *really* hard time giving up the exercise this time. Because you know what? I did this 2 x already. Stopped everything. And, both times: still negative.
A dear friend reminded me that we have a level playing field this time because I no longer (hopefully) have endometritis. But, who knows? Maybe I do? Maybe I'll never get pregnant.
I'm so angry at all of this. Angry that I have wasted the last 11 months of my life trying for something and getting nothing. Angry that every freaking member of my family tells me that I should just move on to adoption because everyone gets pregnant when they adopt. WHAT?!
And, then I sigh. And try to get some perspective.
Think about my husband's boss whose son is being operated on today for a brain tumor. He's seven. They adopted him after dealing with infertility for several years. How is that fair, life?
Think about people that have been trying longer, harder, and spent more money.
I still want to run, though. A nice 10 mile run. So that my legs just start to ache a little.
My doctor says only "moderate exercise." But, as a compulsive exerciser, I'm really not sure WHAT that means. Technically, he says, 20 miles a week or less. Fine. Check. But, what about the elliptical? What about weights? What about yoga? Walking? Can I do that, too? And, can I do more than one in a day? I haven't yet...but I'm tempted.
Part of me just feels hopeless. Like this will never work. Why give up everything again to get another failure?
I'm having a *really* hard time giving up the exercise this time. Because you know what? I did this 2 x already. Stopped everything. And, both times: still negative.
A dear friend reminded me that we have a level playing field this time because I no longer (hopefully) have endometritis. But, who knows? Maybe I do? Maybe I'll never get pregnant.
I'm so angry at all of this. Angry that I have wasted the last 11 months of my life trying for something and getting nothing. Angry that every freaking member of my family tells me that I should just move on to adoption because everyone gets pregnant when they adopt. WHAT?!
And, then I sigh. And try to get some perspective.
Think about my husband's boss whose son is being operated on today for a brain tumor. He's seven. They adopted him after dealing with infertility for several years. How is that fair, life?
Think about people that have been trying longer, harder, and spent more money.
I still want to run, though. A nice 10 mile run. So that my legs just start to ache a little.
My doctor says only "moderate exercise." But, as a compulsive exerciser, I'm really not sure WHAT that means. Technically, he says, 20 miles a week or less. Fine. Check. But, what about the elliptical? What about weights? What about yoga? Walking? Can I do that, too? And, can I do more than one in a day? I haven't yet...but I'm tempted.
Part of me just feels hopeless. Like this will never work. Why give up everything again to get another failure?
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Truly rotten blogger.
In addition to not blogging for the past two weeks, I also didn't comment on anyone's blogs.
Life has been busy.
Which is a good thing.
I've been working LOTS, which I don't like, but it makes time pass.
And, we've had busy fun weekends and nights with little time to roam the internet for pointless hours.
Apple-picking. Visiting the local farm that delivers our organic dairy and meat. Hanging out with my poppop. Going out for a nice date night, including wine! Neighborhood halloween parties. Etc. Etc.
So, as for my cycle, I stopped BCP and antibiotics yesterday and went in for monitoring today. I've been lightly bleeding the whole 3 weeks, but more so in the past week. My body WANTS a period. I haven't let it had one since early September after the BFN.
I'm so scared for this cycle. We've maxed out both our credit cards…um, with their $5K limits. This cycle, which I thought would cost less, is actually going to cost slightly more. I dropped $2K on drugs yesterday and then put in $5K advance for medical treatments (we have 50% coverage under our insurance for 3 cycles). We usually have $1-2K in additional charges and if we do any sort of freezing it will be more. After our failed FET this past summer, we've taken the attitude that FETs don't work and there is no point in freezing unless there are at least 4 leftover embryos… Of course, I say that theoretically. If we have any embryos that are viable enough to freeze, my mind might change. I feel so protective of my embryos. But at $2-$3K to freeze…I'm tempted to save that $$ toward a fresh cycle.
I don't know how to abide this fear. I just keep repeating to myself:
This is just one big experiment.
They found the potential problem.
You are starting this cycle with a healthier body.
*********************************************
UPDATE: I started my drugs last night. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Life has been busy.
Which is a good thing.
I've been working LOTS, which I don't like, but it makes time pass.
And, we've had busy fun weekends and nights with little time to roam the internet for pointless hours.
Apple-picking. Visiting the local farm that delivers our organic dairy and meat. Hanging out with my poppop. Going out for a nice date night, including wine! Neighborhood halloween parties. Etc. Etc.
So, as for my cycle, I stopped BCP and antibiotics yesterday and went in for monitoring today. I've been lightly bleeding the whole 3 weeks, but more so in the past week. My body WANTS a period. I haven't let it had one since early September after the BFN.
I'm so scared for this cycle. We've maxed out both our credit cards…um, with their $5K limits. This cycle, which I thought would cost less, is actually going to cost slightly more. I dropped $2K on drugs yesterday and then put in $5K advance for medical treatments (we have 50% coverage under our insurance for 3 cycles). We usually have $1-2K in additional charges and if we do any sort of freezing it will be more. After our failed FET this past summer, we've taken the attitude that FETs don't work and there is no point in freezing unless there are at least 4 leftover embryos… Of course, I say that theoretically. If we have any embryos that are viable enough to freeze, my mind might change. I feel so protective of my embryos. But at $2-$3K to freeze…I'm tempted to save that $$ toward a fresh cycle.
I don't know how to abide this fear. I just keep repeating to myself:
This is just one big experiment.
They found the potential problem.
You are starting this cycle with a healthier body.
*********************************************
UPDATE: I started my drugs last night. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Friday, October 15, 2010
Adoption??
Lately, I have been thinking a lot more about adoption. Part of me is tired of trying. Tired of the drugs. Tired of having our life on hold.
And, the other part of me just aches for a fuller house. Another child.
There are two families in my neighborhood that I know through our community babysitting co-op. At a BBQ last summer, one of the mothers mentioned that she was tired of the infertility roller coaster, so they decided to adopt. It's been nagging at the back of my mind ever since. So, two weeks ago, I emailed both moms and asked if we could get together for some wine and ... my ulterior motive of asking them about adoption. One pursued domestic, the other interational.
It was such a heartening conversation. Both women went through infertility and decided that they have had enough. It took a few years, but they said that now they feel whole. That these were the children that God meant for them to have.
In the evening before dinner, the one family's three little kids ride their scooters up and down my block. Three little orbs circling their mother. And, I think to myself, that could be me.
I realized the other day that I don't care if the baby is brown, or black, or white, or purple (well, maybe purple because that might indicate a breathing issue). I don't care if my baby isn't a baby.
I just want a family with multiple kids.
I know that adoption is a journey in and off itself. And, there are no guarantees that it will be a painfree process.
So, now what? My husband wants to at least do the two more cycles that we have 50% coverage for. I'd like us to reach a decision about whether we would do international or domestic, open or closed adoption, etc. I'd also like us to pick an agency. Get a homestudy. Move forward.
If anyone has websites they'd recommend or friends they'd like to refer me to, please let me know.
And, the other part of me just aches for a fuller house. Another child.
There are two families in my neighborhood that I know through our community babysitting co-op. At a BBQ last summer, one of the mothers mentioned that she was tired of the infertility roller coaster, so they decided to adopt. It's been nagging at the back of my mind ever since. So, two weeks ago, I emailed both moms and asked if we could get together for some wine and ... my ulterior motive of asking them about adoption. One pursued domestic, the other interational.
It was such a heartening conversation. Both women went through infertility and decided that they have had enough. It took a few years, but they said that now they feel whole. That these were the children that God meant for them to have.
In the evening before dinner, the one family's three little kids ride their scooters up and down my block. Three little orbs circling their mother. And, I think to myself, that could be me.
I realized the other day that I don't care if the baby is brown, or black, or white, or purple (well, maybe purple because that might indicate a breathing issue). I don't care if my baby isn't a baby.
I just want a family with multiple kids.
I know that adoption is a journey in and off itself. And, there are no guarantees that it will be a painfree process.
So, now what? My husband wants to at least do the two more cycles that we have 50% coverage for. I'd like us to reach a decision about whether we would do international or domestic, open or closed adoption, etc. I'd also like us to pick an agency. Get a homestudy. Move forward.
If anyone has websites they'd recommend or friends they'd like to refer me to, please let me know.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
If a Girl Runs Alone in the Dark....
Does it count as running??
Since my marathon in the spring, I have not been training. No track workouts. No weight lifting. No exercising for a goal.
And, now, with the crispness of fall in the mornings, I find my body aching to race again. To be fast. To push the limits. To be strong and hard.
Due to my two month pause since my last IVF cycle, my running has steadily returned. Not to my prior levels, but somewhere around 30-40 miles per week (OK, I don't know that I've run more than 35 because I haven't been keeping exact tabs, but I think I might be closer to 40 this week, if I am able to run once on the weekend).
In the beginning, my legs would scream after three miles. In fact, I even began to understand why people hate running. It hurts.
And, slowly, slowly, my legs felt stronger and could carry my body for longer distances.
I felt like a stabled horse, begging to be let free.
My old running friends (whom I no longer see or speak to, because, really, what would I have to say to them?) are kicking out PRs, 2:52 marathons, and here I sit. Soft and round. Aching to be them.
I should hold myself back...but, oh I miss it. Shhhh! Don't tell anyone but last Saturday I ran 10 miles. And loved every minute of it.
Since my marathon in the spring, I have not been training. No track workouts. No weight lifting. No exercising for a goal.
And, now, with the crispness of fall in the mornings, I find my body aching to race again. To be fast. To push the limits. To be strong and hard.
Due to my two month pause since my last IVF cycle, my running has steadily returned. Not to my prior levels, but somewhere around 30-40 miles per week (OK, I don't know that I've run more than 35 because I haven't been keeping exact tabs, but I think I might be closer to 40 this week, if I am able to run once on the weekend).
In the beginning, my legs would scream after three miles. In fact, I even began to understand why people hate running. It hurts.
And, slowly, slowly, my legs felt stronger and could carry my body for longer distances.
I felt like a stabled horse, begging to be let free.
My old running friends (whom I no longer see or speak to, because, really, what would I have to say to them?) are kicking out PRs, 2:52 marathons, and here I sit. Soft and round. Aching to be them.
I should hold myself back...but, oh I miss it. Shhhh! Don't tell anyone but last Saturday I ran 10 miles. And loved every minute of it.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Test Results: At Least We Have Some Answers
When the RE called this afternoon, I knew that my biopsy results weren't going to be good. Seems I have mild, chronic endometritis (NOTE: not endometriosis), which is an inflammation of the uterus lining due to bacterial infections spread from the vagina. It is seen in women that had a long and difficult labor (as well as those with STDs, who have had an abortion or an IUD implanted).
Finally, we have some answers about why I haven't been able to get pregnant. Why someone didn't think of this before (given that I have had FOUR bacterial infections since my son was born...) I spent $13K and 10 months trying to get pregnant, I have no idea. So, the prescribed treatment is 4 weeks birth control pills with 3 weeks doxycyclene and 200mg motrin, and THEN we can begin IVF.
I'm irritated that this is a problem and no-one had found it earlier, but I am also thankful I followed my intuition that jumping into a cycle--as the two other doctors I saw suggested--wouldn't be circumspect enough.
Hopefully, curing this infection will help with implantation and I will finally get pregnant!!
Finally, we have some answers about why I haven't been able to get pregnant. Why someone didn't think of this before (given that I have had FOUR bacterial infections since my son was born...) I spent $13K and 10 months trying to get pregnant, I have no idea. So, the prescribed treatment is 4 weeks birth control pills with 3 weeks doxycyclene and 200mg motrin, and THEN we can begin IVF.
I'm irritated that this is a problem and no-one had found it earlier, but I am also thankful I followed my intuition that jumping into a cycle--as the two other doctors I saw suggested--wouldn't be circumspect enough.
Hopefully, curing this infection will help with implantation and I will finally get pregnant!!
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Lost
Two nights ago, I had a nightmare in which I was pregnant, but didn't know it and gave birth early at 20-something weeks. I remember crying out for help while in labor, but no-one would believe that I was pregnant and when the baby was born everyone told me that she was dead. I kept telling them that I could see the baby breathing and that the baby would drink from a bottle, but they kept telling me that I had to mourn the baby's loss. Eventually, someone took me to the hospital, but I woke up before we arrived. This is the first pregnancy-related dream I have had since our last cycle. I'm not sure I want to delve into its significance.
I am feeling a bit lost these days. We went on vacation last week...but...vacation with a small child is hardly relaxing. Nugget was up every day between 5:30-6 am. We were the only couple with kids and it was nice to be around people whose lives do not yet revolve around nap-times and might be inclined to ask when/if we were going to have any more children.
I'm so tired of being on drugs. It's been nearly 10 months of some sort of hormone treatment (provera, clomid x2, lupron, menupor, follistim, estrogen, progesterone). I feel like I'm at the end of my crazy stick: bloated, cranky, and irritated.
I always swore that I would never take the world's woes out on Nugget, but the other night he was being the typical almost terrible-two and I gave him an unnecssary time out for playing with the dishwasher. As he cried on the step, I stood behind the kitchen door looking at my reflection in the window and wanted this to stop. The drugs. The not-knowing. The near-constant lump in my throat. I wanted to appreciate the things that I do have. But, I could't seem to find a way to escape the haunting of this unfinished process.
I have my endometrial biopsy this Friday. The HSG test results came back normal. I guess I'll begin my meds for the short-lupron flare protocol next week, upon results of the biopsy.
I have to believe that this will work for us. I have to be positive. I am not sure if it is self-defense or intuition, but I feel that this won't work for us again. I'm supposed to go to an adoption open-house this weekend, which my husband thinks is pre-mature, but I need to start preparing for the next phase. It gives me some hope to think that there are options beside the IVF path.
I am feeling a bit lost these days. We went on vacation last week...but...vacation with a small child is hardly relaxing. Nugget was up every day between 5:30-6 am. We were the only couple with kids and it was nice to be around people whose lives do not yet revolve around nap-times and might be inclined to ask when/if we were going to have any more children.
I'm so tired of being on drugs. It's been nearly 10 months of some sort of hormone treatment (provera, clomid x2, lupron, menupor, follistim, estrogen, progesterone). I feel like I'm at the end of my crazy stick: bloated, cranky, and irritated.
I always swore that I would never take the world's woes out on Nugget, but the other night he was being the typical almost terrible-two and I gave him an unnecssary time out for playing with the dishwasher. As he cried on the step, I stood behind the kitchen door looking at my reflection in the window and wanted this to stop. The drugs. The not-knowing. The near-constant lump in my throat. I wanted to appreciate the things that I do have. But, I could't seem to find a way to escape the haunting of this unfinished process.
I have my endometrial biopsy this Friday. The HSG test results came back normal. I guess I'll begin my meds for the short-lupron flare protocol next week, upon results of the biopsy.
I have to believe that this will work for us. I have to be positive. I am not sure if it is self-defense or intuition, but I feel that this won't work for us again. I'm supposed to go to an adoption open-house this weekend, which my husband thinks is pre-mature, but I need to start preparing for the next phase. It gives me some hope to think that there are options beside the IVF path.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
What if I'm actually LUCKY?
As I've said before, I'm a glass half-empty kind of gal. I've tried fighting it, denying it, manipulating it, but you know what? I am. If I can accept this about myself and try to force my mind to recognize that my worldview is slightly tainted, then maybe I can intellectually broaden my perspective. For, oh, the past three years, my inner dialogue is pretty much a neverending loop of: "woe is me, why did this have to happen to me, why did I get to fall in love with the guy with crappy sperm, why does this get to be so easy for EVERYONE else and not me."
And, just yesterday, I got to thinking...what if I'm actually pretty d@mn lucky?
Let me count the ways:
Exhibit A: I already have a beautiful boy who is HEALTHY.
Exhibit B: I actually have *some* insurance coverage to pay for infertility. There are lots of people that don't have this option.
Exhibit C: We are in a position financially to be able to pay for fertility treatments and can continue doing it (although at great cost to our retirement and savings) for as many cycles as I can stomach.
Exhibit D: I have a low-stress work environment that is completely supportive and understanding of all my doctor's appointments and my distractedness when distressed by infertility.
Exhibit E: I have a couple of close friends that have experienced or are currently experiencing infertility, so I'm not in this all alone.
Exhibit F: I'm relatively young.
Exhibit G: I have a husband who loves me and does the best he can to support me through this process.
Not too shabby, eh?
I'm trying to figure out how many tries we will give this before we move on to adoption/donor egg/donor sperm/surrogate. I think I can take two to three more cycles and then will need to reconsider, but I'm working on taking things one day at a time.
And, just yesterday, I got to thinking...what if I'm actually pretty d@mn lucky?
Let me count the ways:
Exhibit A: I already have a beautiful boy who is HEALTHY.
Exhibit B: I actually have *some* insurance coverage to pay for infertility. There are lots of people that don't have this option.
Exhibit C: We are in a position financially to be able to pay for fertility treatments and can continue doing it (although at great cost to our retirement and savings) for as many cycles as I can stomach.
Exhibit D: I have a low-stress work environment that is completely supportive and understanding of all my doctor's appointments and my distractedness when distressed by infertility.
Exhibit E: I have a couple of close friends that have experienced or are currently experiencing infertility, so I'm not in this all alone.
Exhibit F: I'm relatively young.
Exhibit G: I have a husband who loves me and does the best he can to support me through this process.
Not too shabby, eh?
I'm trying to figure out how many tries we will give this before we move on to adoption/donor egg/donor sperm/surrogate. I think I can take two to three more cycles and then will need to reconsider, but I'm working on taking things one day at a time.
Friday, September 10, 2010
A World Tour of Reproductive Endocrinologists
OK, maybe "world tour" is a little bit of an exaggeration. I did go to three different RE's this past week. After doing more research on the antagonist strategy (2 weeks birth control pills, ganirelix) suggested by the doctor I saw last week, I am not convinced of its success after doing ever-useful on-line research. I tend to cleave to routine and familiarity and sometimes have a hard time trying something new.
We had a WTF appointment on Wednesday at our clinic. Dr. A-hole was too busy to talk to us, so we met with the other doctor at the clinic. Arms crossed, I entered the meeting expecting not to get any answers and only given excuses for the repeated failures. But, Dr. B was actually very insightful. He walked us through his perception of our infertility history and compared our two IVF cycles so as to identify the factors he thought may have contributed to the success with our son's cycle and failure this most recent round. He identified slower growth of the follicles, which meant more drugs and longer stimming, possibly decreasing the quality of the eggs. He suggested that we complete additional diagnostic testing to determine whether there were any other factors impacting implantation. Additionally, he suggested a new drug protocol which has been found to be more successful with low responders (lupron flare). Of all the doctors I met with, I thought he was the most circumspect in terms of analyzing whether other factors may be impacting the lack of implantation and in the description of why this cycle may not have been successful. He didn't suggest donor eggs (which the dr last week has suggested). He said that the best predictor of IVF success is prior success and emphasized that I am young compared to most fertility patients. So, I decided that we will do one more cycle with this clinic. I started taking estrogen today and will take progesterone in two weeks to "fake" my body into thinking it has had a cycle. We didn't want to repeat the 60+ day cycle I had this summer after my failed FET. So, looks like I'll be doing another cycle in October.
I am trying to find Hope again. Most of the past week has been spent in tears. I'm so afraid that this won't work for us and that I will never get to experience the wonder of a baby moving in my belly or those first few sweet days with this small creature nuzzled against my neck. I've been pestering my husband about how many cycles we will do before we give up and he said that we will do it until we run out of money. My parents have offered to pay for a cycle, so we'll keep that in our back pocket for a later point. I have two more cycles that are covered 50% under my insurance company. I am also going to look into whether any other insurance companies my organization offers have infertility coverage (the last time I checked 3 years ago, my insurance company was the only one that offered minimal coverage).
Ironically, Nugget has found a new word: "happy." How do I define this word to him when I find it to be so elusive?
We had a WTF appointment on Wednesday at our clinic. Dr. A-hole was too busy to talk to us, so we met with the other doctor at the clinic. Arms crossed, I entered the meeting expecting not to get any answers and only given excuses for the repeated failures. But, Dr. B was actually very insightful. He walked us through his perception of our infertility history and compared our two IVF cycles so as to identify the factors he thought may have contributed to the success with our son's cycle and failure this most recent round. He identified slower growth of the follicles, which meant more drugs and longer stimming, possibly decreasing the quality of the eggs. He suggested that we complete additional diagnostic testing to determine whether there were any other factors impacting implantation. Additionally, he suggested a new drug protocol which has been found to be more successful with low responders (lupron flare). Of all the doctors I met with, I thought he was the most circumspect in terms of analyzing whether other factors may be impacting the lack of implantation and in the description of why this cycle may not have been successful. He didn't suggest donor eggs (which the dr last week has suggested). He said that the best predictor of IVF success is prior success and emphasized that I am young compared to most fertility patients. So, I decided that we will do one more cycle with this clinic. I started taking estrogen today and will take progesterone in two weeks to "fake" my body into thinking it has had a cycle. We didn't want to repeat the 60+ day cycle I had this summer after my failed FET. So, looks like I'll be doing another cycle in October.
I am trying to find Hope again. Most of the past week has been spent in tears. I'm so afraid that this won't work for us and that I will never get to experience the wonder of a baby moving in my belly or those first few sweet days with this small creature nuzzled against my neck. I've been pestering my husband about how many cycles we will do before we give up and he said that we will do it until we run out of money. My parents have offered to pay for a cycle, so we'll keep that in our back pocket for a later point. I have two more cycles that are covered 50% under my insurance company. I am also going to look into whether any other insurance companies my organization offers have infertility coverage (the last time I checked 3 years ago, my insurance company was the only one that offered minimal coverage).
Ironically, Nugget has found a new word: "happy." How do I define this word to him when I find it to be so elusive?
Monday, September 6, 2010
Friday, September 3, 2010
Adding Insult to Injury
Chicken Little likes planning because it makes her feel in control.
With the upcoming test results, I knew that I had to come up with a strategy for how I was going to handle a negative test result. My threshold for dealing with my doctor's nasty attititude has finally reached its limit. If I am going to have to do IVF again, I am going to do it with a different doctor, a different clinic, and a different milieu. I have too many negative associations with current Doctor Nasty.
So, today I met with a new doctor and we laid out a plan for how we'd deal with a negative. The changes that we would make to the protocol to address my lack of response to the meds (6 and 9 eggs is not very many). While he was reviewing my bloodwork and prior cycles, he mentioned casually that I had diminished ovarian reserve. WHAT? Looking at bloodwork I had done in September 2007 and April 2010, it looks like I don't have too many eggs left in there. WOW. Wouldn't that have been nice of SOMEONE (I'm looking at you Dr. Nasty?!) to mention at some point? Perhaps we would have been more aggressive. The new Dr. said he wasn't worried about it because I was "young" and have evidence of making "good" eggs. He said if I was "old" and made "poor quality" eggs, then it would be more of an issue.
He asked me if I knew that I could do a home pregnancy test at day 8 post 5 day transfer (today) and find out if it worked...I said yes, but that I wasn' strong enough to handle the answer right now.
He is confident that we can get pregnant through IVF and that we do not have to use donor sperm, eggs, or embryos.
Whatever Monday may bring, I have a plan. And, hopefully, I'll be able to meet my goal of getting pregnant in 2010.
With the upcoming test results, I knew that I had to come up with a strategy for how I was going to handle a negative test result. My threshold for dealing with my doctor's nasty attititude has finally reached its limit. If I am going to have to do IVF again, I am going to do it with a different doctor, a different clinic, and a different milieu. I have too many negative associations with current Doctor Nasty.
So, today I met with a new doctor and we laid out a plan for how we'd deal with a negative. The changes that we would make to the protocol to address my lack of response to the meds (6 and 9 eggs is not very many). While he was reviewing my bloodwork and prior cycles, he mentioned casually that I had diminished ovarian reserve. WHAT? Looking at bloodwork I had done in September 2007 and April 2010, it looks like I don't have too many eggs left in there. WOW. Wouldn't that have been nice of SOMEONE (I'm looking at you Dr. Nasty?!) to mention at some point? Perhaps we would have been more aggressive. The new Dr. said he wasn't worried about it because I was "young" and have evidence of making "good" eggs. He said if I was "old" and made "poor quality" eggs, then it would be more of an issue.
He asked me if I knew that I could do a home pregnancy test at day 8 post 5 day transfer (today) and find out if it worked...I said yes, but that I wasn' strong enough to handle the answer right now.
He is confident that we can get pregnant through IVF and that we do not have to use donor sperm, eggs, or embryos.
Whatever Monday may bring, I have a plan. And, hopefully, I'll be able to meet my goal of getting pregnant in 2010.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Chicken Little
I have been a little Chicken Littlish of late...or perhaps my whole life. I've always had a flair for melodrama and tend to always be the "cup half empty" kind of gal. Thank goodness I married a delusionally optimistic ballast so that between our two temperments we sail with some semblence of realism and stability.
On Monday, I had some bloodwork done and it indicated that my estrogen levels had decreased and the nurse prescribed some Estrogen. When I asked the nurse whether this was an indication that the cycle hadn't worked, she said that she would have my doctor call me to discuss, which only fueled my "sky is falling" premonitions. Of course, as soon as I got off the phone, my busy little fingers dashed to Dr. Google whose typical doom and gloom diagnosis confirmed my worst fears. To further fuel the fire, the doctor was dismissive of my concerns and refused to either confirm or deny that this was an indication that the cycle didn't work.
Commence with approximately three hours of crying. (One hour of which was behind closed blinds in my office...very professional, eh?)
Once my hubby got home to watch Nugget, I dragged up my files from my first IVF cycle and found that my estrogen levels had a similar drop and I was prescribed estrogen then, too. And, we know how that worked out (yeah, Nugget!).
For the remainder of the cycle, I am going to do my best NOT to think about it...not to analyze every little thing:
I.e., do my boobs hurt? I think so. Maybe my bra is too tight. No, they definitely feel different. But, do they hurt? No, it's more of just a "feeling" but not necessarily pain. Let's squeeze them. Nope, that didn't hurt. But, are my nipples different? A little darker? Sigh.
Hmm, I feel a little winded coming up the stairs. Maybe I'm pregnant? Or, maybe I'm just out of shape.
Oooh. I'm kind of crampy today. Period crampy. It didn't work. It's over.
Only five more days until I let myself take a pregnancy test.....
On Monday, I had some bloodwork done and it indicated that my estrogen levels had decreased and the nurse prescribed some Estrogen. When I asked the nurse whether this was an indication that the cycle hadn't worked, she said that she would have my doctor call me to discuss, which only fueled my "sky is falling" premonitions. Of course, as soon as I got off the phone, my busy little fingers dashed to Dr. Google whose typical doom and gloom diagnosis confirmed my worst fears. To further fuel the fire, the doctor was dismissive of my concerns and refused to either confirm or deny that this was an indication that the cycle didn't work.
Commence with approximately three hours of crying. (One hour of which was behind closed blinds in my office...very professional, eh?)
Once my hubby got home to watch Nugget, I dragged up my files from my first IVF cycle and found that my estrogen levels had a similar drop and I was prescribed estrogen then, too. And, we know how that worked out (yeah, Nugget!).
For the remainder of the cycle, I am going to do my best NOT to think about it...not to analyze every little thing:
I.e., do my boobs hurt? I think so. Maybe my bra is too tight. No, they definitely feel different. But, do they hurt? No, it's more of just a "feeling" but not necessarily pain. Let's squeeze them. Nope, that didn't hurt. But, are my nipples different? A little darker? Sigh.
Hmm, I feel a little winded coming up the stairs. Maybe I'm pregnant? Or, maybe I'm just out of shape.
Oooh. I'm kind of crampy today. Period crampy. It didn't work. It's over.
Only five more days until I let myself take a pregnancy test.....
Friday, August 27, 2010
Meet JoJo and Charlie!
Embryo transfer went WONDERFULLY yesterday! All four embryos made it to Day 5, although one of them wasn't looking so hot. So, we transferred two (eee...twins?!) and are waiting until Day 7 to see how the 3rd and 4th look. At that point, we will make a decision about freezing. It's so difficult because I believe that these celled organizations have the potential to be humans and, therefore, am loathe to do anything to eliminate them. But, it is an additional $2k to freeze and store them for later. Given our lack of success with the other frozen embryo transfer, I'd rather put our $$ toward another IVF round if this one doesn't work. Our IVF money tree is running out of funds.
When we did IVF with Nugget, we named them and would talk to them every night (we transferred 2 day-3 embryos then, too)...telling them what great parents we would be, how much we would love to have them stay, the fun things we would do together, etc. So, we're doing the same with our little JoJo and Charlie this round.
Let's hope one or both sticks!!
When we did IVF with Nugget, we named them and would talk to them every night (we transferred 2 day-3 embryos then, too)...telling them what great parents we would be, how much we would love to have them stay, the fun things we would do together, etc. So, we're doing the same with our little JoJo and Charlie this round.
Let's hope one or both sticks!!
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Better than expected!
They managed to get 9 eggs of which 8 were mature and 5 fertilized. So, we're not too far behind where we were with Nugget (6 eggs, 6 fertilized). Now it's a waiting game to see how many make it 3 days in the petri dish. We have to decide whether we want to do a 3 day transfer (downside: can't really tell which embryos are best; upside: sometimes embryos do better in the human incubator than the petri dish) or 5 day transfer (downside: embryos may not make it to day 5; upside: better chance of success--70% versus 45%). Am going to talk to the doctor tomorrow.
The retrieval itself was painful; I was supposed to be completely under, but I could feel everything. After the procedure was over, the nurse asked if I remembered saying "ow ow ow ow" repeatedly. To which I said, YES because I could feel every-d@mn-thing. At that point, I was too groggy to push the point. There's a mild ache when I stand up, so I've been on bedrest the past two days and watching lots of crappy movies. Oddly, I'm more swollen after the procedure. You'd think with all those eggies out of me that I'd have less of a gut. Sigh. Just a little bleeding off and on, but nothing major. Thankfully, the worst is over in terms of physical pain. Now I just have to wait: the worst part psychologically.
The retrieval itself was painful; I was supposed to be completely under, but I could feel everything. After the procedure was over, the nurse asked if I remembered saying "ow ow ow ow" repeatedly. To which I said, YES because I could feel every-d@mn-thing. At that point, I was too groggy to push the point. There's a mild ache when I stand up, so I've been on bedrest the past two days and watching lots of crappy movies. Oddly, I'm more swollen after the procedure. You'd think with all those eggies out of me that I'd have less of a gut. Sigh. Just a little bleeding off and on, but nothing major. Thankfully, the worst is over in terms of physical pain. Now I just have to wait: the worst part psychologically.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Where did Hope go?
I got awful news today. Apparently, my body is not responding to the drugs (even though they doubled the drugs as compared to what was used in my Feb 2008 cycle) and there are only two follicles that look like they have eggs of sufficient size. The doctor thinks there may be two more eggs, but they appear to be too immature. They don't know why I'm not responding.
On my first day of monitoring, I felt so light and free. Anything was possible. As I walked out the front door of the clinic, a butterfly floated past my face and I thought it was a good omen. Perhaps I could decorate a little girl's room with butterflies in the future.
But, there are no good omens. Only in a world of magical thinking.
I can't believe I may have to do this again. I don't know if I have the strength of spirit. My husband says that we can afford one more cycle and the doctor said he might be able to get us some free medication, which would save about $4,000. Perhaps we are only meant to have one child. Adoption is out of the question for us at this point, given the costs, but perhaps in a couple of years we could pursue that.
I really thought this was going to be "it" and I would be done with this awful part of my life.
On my first day of monitoring, I felt so light and free. Anything was possible. As I walked out the front door of the clinic, a butterfly floated past my face and I thought it was a good omen. Perhaps I could decorate a little girl's room with butterflies in the future.
But, there are no good omens. Only in a world of magical thinking.
I can't believe I may have to do this again. I don't know if I have the strength of spirit. My husband says that we can afford one more cycle and the doctor said he might be able to get us some free medication, which would save about $4,000. Perhaps we are only meant to have one child. Adoption is out of the question for us at this point, given the costs, but perhaps in a couple of years we could pursue that.
I really thought this was going to be "it" and I would be done with this awful part of my life.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Trying not to blame my husband
The hardest aspect of going through IVF for me is to not continually lash out at my husband. While I know intellectually that he cannot control his sperm quality, part of me is bitter and angry that I have to go through this hell because of him. The shots. The humiliating doctor's visits. The months and years of my life spent waiting for a pregnancy. If the situation were reversed, he wouldn't hold me responsible for a bad uterus, poor lining, or crappy eggs.
So, not only am I irritated with him, I get irritated with myself. For not being a better person. For consciously "keeping score." For thinking...in my darkest moments...that if I had picked a different man, I wouldn't have to go through this agony. That I would have two kids by now. I sometimes day dream about miraculously remembering how to flirt, going to a bar, and finding some young man to give me the one thing my husband cannot.
This is not a pretty picture I paint, but it is the honest truth.
I find reasons to be angry with him and pick fights. Mature, I know. Some days, he will laugh at me while I try to find things to complain about. You didn't load the dishes properly, I tell him. Or, you have yogurt on your shirt and you look sloppy. Other days, his threshold for unrelenting criticism has maxed out and he snaps back.
I turn into a princess, demanding that he cook dinner, do the dishes, and give Nugget a bath while I recline on the sofa devouring the "Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" trilogy. I am the evil step-mother and he is my Cinderella.
I blame it on the drugs.
But in reality, I know that it is just my siphoned anger. I figure at least my anger is isolated and I'm not directing it at the world writ large, pregnant women, families, doctors, etc.
Just so you don't think I'm all zenned out:>
So, not only am I irritated with him, I get irritated with myself. For not being a better person. For consciously "keeping score." For thinking...in my darkest moments...that if I had picked a different man, I wouldn't have to go through this agony. That I would have two kids by now. I sometimes day dream about miraculously remembering how to flirt, going to a bar, and finding some young man to give me the one thing my husband cannot.
This is not a pretty picture I paint, but it is the honest truth.
I find reasons to be angry with him and pick fights. Mature, I know. Some days, he will laugh at me while I try to find things to complain about. You didn't load the dishes properly, I tell him. Or, you have yogurt on your shirt and you look sloppy. Other days, his threshold for unrelenting criticism has maxed out and he snaps back.
I turn into a princess, demanding that he cook dinner, do the dishes, and give Nugget a bath while I recline on the sofa devouring the "Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" trilogy. I am the evil step-mother and he is my Cinderella.
I blame it on the drugs.
But in reality, I know that it is just my siphoned anger. I figure at least my anger is isolated and I'm not directing it at the world writ large, pregnant women, families, doctors, etc.
Just so you don't think I'm all zenned out:>
Friday, August 13, 2010
Needles Galore!
I started my "big" drugs this past Monday (menopur and follistim) and my poor little belly looks like a black and blue bruised pin cushion. I'm feeling surprisingly relaxed about the whole process. Perhaps it is because we had friends visit this past weekend with their three kids and IT WAS MADNESS. It made me realize that two kids is much more my speed than three kids and I'm OK with this process taking time. I have 2 3/4 years before I hit the 35 deadline where fertility just take a nosedive. Suddenly, I'm feeling like I have plenty of time.
My retrieval should be at the end of next week (between August 18th-20th) and then the transfer should be 3-5 days after that and then the beta should be the first week in September.
P.S. note the lovely little "blue" box...from Tiffany & Co.! My hubby got me a nice little surprise for enduring all this infertility crap. You can't appreciate how amazing this is unless you know a) my husband's great disdain for "big box" jewelers; b) my husband's horrible taste in jewelry that has resulted in several fights. Maybe I'll tell that story in another post.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Approved!!!
Finally! Some may find my dogged persistence a little obsessive, but as long as it yields good results, I'm going to continue to nurture my OCD-ness. After calling my insurance company EVERY DAY for the past two months harassing the poor people on the infertility line (Hi, Libby! aren't you going to miss me?), I have been APPROVED!! This just goes to show that any administrative bureaucracy can be mastered by finding the right channel to massage. As for that d@mn day 3 blood work required, nah-nah-na-boo-boo! I don't have to do you!
So, hopefully I can start my meds TOMORROW!!! IVF # 2 here we come!
So, hopefully I can start my meds TOMORROW!!! IVF # 2 here we come!
Monday, July 19, 2010
Give me an "E" for Estrogen!
For the past couple of weeks, I have been obsessing on my estrogen levels. They have gone from 155 on 6/13 to 85 on 6/20 to 55 on 6/28 to 25 on 7/9. WTF? Why were my estrogen levels dropping?
I started doing research on low estrogen levels and found that they are typical of people that eat too little (read anorexics) and exercise too much. I know I definitely don't fall into the first category (hello, peanut butter and icecream, my friend!) as my pants are all feeling a bit too tight, but maybe I did fall into the 2nd category? I don't really know what qualifies as "excessive" exercise. Being the little analyst that I am, I spent obsessive hours researching it. Seems the only studies available indicate that "moderate" exercise is 20 miles of running per week, but these were studies of previously sedentary people. What about fit people? I couldn't find any studies that indicated "moderate" activity levels for fit people. So, I figured that running 30-40 miles per week was definitely "moderate" in comparison to running 60-90 miles per week.
Then, I got the 7/9 bloodtest that had me back at the ammenhorea levels. Of course, I freaked out and decided that infertility had completely broken my will and I needed to just quit it with the running. So, the past two weeks I have run 20 and 10 miles respectively. As in the TOTAL amount of miles for the week. Not miles run in a day. Talk about a taper.
And, guess what? Mother Nature rewarded me!! My estrogen levels are now 109!! Woohoo!
They think I might even ovulate on my own in the next week or so. That means we can get CD3 bloodwork and get this sucker covered!!
Even better news is that we might be able to jump on my husband's insurance, which covers $15K of infertility treatment! Woohoo!
Slowly, slowly, my heart is coming around and finding hope in the world again.
I started doing research on low estrogen levels and found that they are typical of people that eat too little (read anorexics) and exercise too much. I know I definitely don't fall into the first category (hello, peanut butter and icecream, my friend!) as my pants are all feeling a bit too tight, but maybe I did fall into the 2nd category? I don't really know what qualifies as "excessive" exercise. Being the little analyst that I am, I spent obsessive hours researching it. Seems the only studies available indicate that "moderate" exercise is 20 miles of running per week, but these were studies of previously sedentary people. What about fit people? I couldn't find any studies that indicated "moderate" activity levels for fit people. So, I figured that running 30-40 miles per week was definitely "moderate" in comparison to running 60-90 miles per week.
Then, I got the 7/9 bloodtest that had me back at the ammenhorea levels. Of course, I freaked out and decided that infertility had completely broken my will and I needed to just quit it with the running. So, the past two weeks I have run 20 and 10 miles respectively. As in the TOTAL amount of miles for the week. Not miles run in a day. Talk about a taper.
And, guess what? Mother Nature rewarded me!! My estrogen levels are now 109!! Woohoo!
They think I might even ovulate on my own in the next week or so. That means we can get CD3 bloodwork and get this sucker covered!!
Even better news is that we might be able to jump on my husband's insurance, which covers $15K of infertility treatment! Woohoo!
Slowly, slowly, my heart is coming around and finding hope in the world again.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting
Any menstrual women out there want to come hang out with me? I'm hoping you can send some pheromones my way and make that bloody b*tch come. Unfortunately, my doctor won't prescribe any medication to bring on my period (which may delayed due to our failed frozen embryo transfer, or my previously high level of exercise and resulting low estrogen, or who the heck knows why). I'm on CD 35 waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting for my period. So I can get my CD 3 bloodwork done. So I can finally get started on IVF.
Nearly 8 months now I've been trying to get pregnant and on hormones. People all around me have started trying, gotten pregnant, and are moving on, buying cribs, picking out baby names. Everyone is on fast-forward jumping through life phases and I am stuck.
I'm trying to find a new normal. I had desperately wanted "stair step" children close in age, but looks like now they'll be 3-5 years apart (assuming I can have any more children). It isn't the picture I wanted. It has been helpful to meet other couples who didn't immediately jump into having their next child and see that they're lives are still desirable.
We have decided that if by August 1st none of the following happens: the bloody b*tch comes (which would put me at CD51), or any of the three fertility doctors I have appointments with in the next two weeks won't prescribe something to bring on my period, or we can't get the insurance company to approve our appeal to their IVF denial, then we're going to pay for it out of pocket. Over $10K. I'll have to go back to work full-time. We'll have to put some of it on credit cards. But, we're not going to waste any more time waiting. We're going to take control and move forward with our life.
Nearly 8 months now I've been trying to get pregnant and on hormones. People all around me have started trying, gotten pregnant, and are moving on, buying cribs, picking out baby names. Everyone is on fast-forward jumping through life phases and I am stuck.
I'm trying to find a new normal. I had desperately wanted "stair step" children close in age, but looks like now they'll be 3-5 years apart (assuming I can have any more children). It isn't the picture I wanted. It has been helpful to meet other couples who didn't immediately jump into having their next child and see that they're lives are still desirable.
We have decided that if by August 1st none of the following happens: the bloody b*tch comes (which would put me at CD51), or any of the three fertility doctors I have appointments with in the next two weeks won't prescribe something to bring on my period, or we can't get the insurance company to approve our appeal to their IVF denial, then we're going to pay for it out of pocket. Over $10K. I'll have to go back to work full-time. We'll have to put some of it on credit cards. But, we're not going to waste any more time waiting. We're going to take control and move forward with our life.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Hole in My Heart
It's been a difficult couple of weeks. My grandmother passed away on June 17th. All told, she lived three months after her official diagnosis for Stage IV lung cancer. In the weeks before her death, she had been undergoing chemotherapy treatments because she believed she could "beat this thing." Unfortunately, the chemo treatments only made her weaker and more susceptible to disease. She died of an infection in her lungs, which resulted in reduced lung capacity, and ultimately she suffocated because she couldn't get enough oxygen. While she lay dying in her hospital bed, she remained positive, making jokes and expressing concern for us. I cannot explain how helpless one feels to watch someone they love writhe in pain, trying to find a comfortable position, knowing that no position was going to remove the pain of dying. We held her hand, stroked her hair, tried to cajole her into eating small bites of sherbert and drink sips of water. But, at some point, we began to realize that this was futile and that she was slowly detaching from the physical world. I don't know if one ever gets to the point where they accept their fate, but I do think that one gets weary. And, the alternative is more attractive than struggling to survive.
Just beyond my computer, I have a picture of my grandmother with Nugget reaching out and touching her face. It was taken a little under a year ago. I stare at it often and can hear her voice in my head. She called three times to congratulate me after getting 5th place in the Fall Marathon. She may not have understood why I ran, but she supported it and told everyone she knew about her "fast" granddaughter. I had several people come up to me at the funeral who asked if I was the runner. I feel so blessed that she got to meet my son and delight in his antics. He's actually named for her father, who she idolized. How can I explain to you what a special woman she was? She was always learning...in fact, prior to getting sick she had been taking courses on world economics and algebra. She never wanted to stop growing and wasn't afraid to try new things. How many grandmother's do you know that have a Facebook account? She had busy, creative hands that were constantly knitting, weaving, sewing, or making some other hand-good. I too often spend my time wondering what I am accomplishing with my life, trying to write my obituary to see if it would have meaning. I helped my grandfather write gmom's obituary. It was simple and some said it was beautiful, but I felt it barely reflected who she was: she loved her family, she wanted to better understand the world, she was a quiet woman with an adventurous heart. Words can't capture her. It reminded me that all these things that we hold on to so dearly, that we think define us, all go away the moment we leave and all that is left is the memories we leave with others.
Parallel to mourning her loss, I am still reeling from the failed FET. I didn't want to be defined by infertility again and have it swallow my life. But, I sit deep in the vortex of its belly. There is little light here in this purgatory. Everywhere I go, I am reminded by my failure. Pregnant bellies with smiling mothers. Two or three toddlers in tow. Whole families. Complete families that I assume don't know the daily, physical pain of infertility. That blithely ask "when are you going to give Nugget a brother or sister?" I am trying to find my zen calm place, but I am raging at life for dealing me this crap set of cards. I have been fighting the rage and trying to "be a better person," but have recently decided to allow myself this time to be angry. I am grieving and it is unfair of me to expect to just move on.
We are currently fighting with my insurance company to get coverage. While my husband's morphology automatically qualifies us for IVF, they also want to see unmedicated Day 3 bloodwork to check my FSH levels and make sure that I'm not in early menopause or have diminished ovarian reserve or anything. Unfortunately, I haven't had an unmedicated cycle since January. Every cycle we've been doing Clomid or some other drug to give my hubby "extra targets." So, now I just have to wait for my period. Who knows how long that will take. I'm on day 21 and STILL haven't ovulated. In fact, my estrogen levels keep dipping lower and lower. I'm worried that all this stress is preventing me from ovulating and that we'll just end up waiting for months and months and my period will never come.
I'm only running 4-5 days a week, 6-10 miles at a time. I ache to train again. My running club buddies keep asking when I'm going to come to the track and I see their race results getting faster and faster. I know that my goal isn't to be racing right now, but I miss the things that define me. My body has gotten soft and weak. I went to move one of those big water jugs for the cooler at work the other day and it was much harder than I remember it being. Plus, I can't run faster than a 9 minute pace without feeling like I'm pulling muscles. Guess 2-3 weeks off will do that.
So, all in all, I'm a big, miserable, b*tchy, grump right now that is fully consumed by infertility. It is hard to come here and post because I have nothing new to report.
Still infertile? Check.
Still not training? Check.
Still depressed? Check.
I try to find the joy in life. I try to enjoy the few happy, smiling moments I have with Nugget.
But, infertility is a huge cloud that distorts everything in my life. I cannot see this for what it is: a difficult phase that will pass with time. I just see it as time spent feeling like I have a huge hole in my chest that is slowly draining the life out of me.
Just beyond my computer, I have a picture of my grandmother with Nugget reaching out and touching her face. It was taken a little under a year ago. I stare at it often and can hear her voice in my head. She called three times to congratulate me after getting 5th place in the Fall Marathon. She may not have understood why I ran, but she supported it and told everyone she knew about her "fast" granddaughter. I had several people come up to me at the funeral who asked if I was the runner. I feel so blessed that she got to meet my son and delight in his antics. He's actually named for her father, who she idolized. How can I explain to you what a special woman she was? She was always learning...in fact, prior to getting sick she had been taking courses on world economics and algebra. She never wanted to stop growing and wasn't afraid to try new things. How many grandmother's do you know that have a Facebook account? She had busy, creative hands that were constantly knitting, weaving, sewing, or making some other hand-good. I too often spend my time wondering what I am accomplishing with my life, trying to write my obituary to see if it would have meaning. I helped my grandfather write gmom's obituary. It was simple and some said it was beautiful, but I felt it barely reflected who she was: she loved her family, she wanted to better understand the world, she was a quiet woman with an adventurous heart. Words can't capture her. It reminded me that all these things that we hold on to so dearly, that we think define us, all go away the moment we leave and all that is left is the memories we leave with others.
Parallel to mourning her loss, I am still reeling from the failed FET. I didn't want to be defined by infertility again and have it swallow my life. But, I sit deep in the vortex of its belly. There is little light here in this purgatory. Everywhere I go, I am reminded by my failure. Pregnant bellies with smiling mothers. Two or three toddlers in tow. Whole families. Complete families that I assume don't know the daily, physical pain of infertility. That blithely ask "when are you going to give Nugget a brother or sister?" I am trying to find my zen calm place, but I am raging at life for dealing me this crap set of cards. I have been fighting the rage and trying to "be a better person," but have recently decided to allow myself this time to be angry. I am grieving and it is unfair of me to expect to just move on.
We are currently fighting with my insurance company to get coverage. While my husband's morphology automatically qualifies us for IVF, they also want to see unmedicated Day 3 bloodwork to check my FSH levels and make sure that I'm not in early menopause or have diminished ovarian reserve or anything. Unfortunately, I haven't had an unmedicated cycle since January. Every cycle we've been doing Clomid or some other drug to give my hubby "extra targets." So, now I just have to wait for my period. Who knows how long that will take. I'm on day 21 and STILL haven't ovulated. In fact, my estrogen levels keep dipping lower and lower. I'm worried that all this stress is preventing me from ovulating and that we'll just end up waiting for months and months and my period will never come.
I'm only running 4-5 days a week, 6-10 miles at a time. I ache to train again. My running club buddies keep asking when I'm going to come to the track and I see their race results getting faster and faster. I know that my goal isn't to be racing right now, but I miss the things that define me. My body has gotten soft and weak. I went to move one of those big water jugs for the cooler at work the other day and it was much harder than I remember it being. Plus, I can't run faster than a 9 minute pace without feeling like I'm pulling muscles. Guess 2-3 weeks off will do that.
So, all in all, I'm a big, miserable, b*tchy, grump right now that is fully consumed by infertility. It is hard to come here and post because I have nothing new to report.
Still infertile? Check.
Still not training? Check.
Still depressed? Check.
I try to find the joy in life. I try to enjoy the few happy, smiling moments I have with Nugget.
But, infertility is a huge cloud that distorts everything in my life. I cannot see this for what it is: a difficult phase that will pass with time. I just see it as time spent feeling like I have a huge hole in my chest that is slowly draining the life out of me.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
It didn't work
Took a HPT today. Negative.
Now what?
I hate this. I almost just want to move on to adoption.
Now what?
I hate this. I almost just want to move on to adoption.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Embryo Transfer
Well, it's done. All I have to do now is wait.
The transfer itself went fine, but unfortunately only one survived the thaw process. I was devastated when the embryologist told me right before the transfer. I sobbed the whole transfer and pretty much all day Thursday and Friday. There's only a 35% success rate with one embryo (50% with two).
So, I'm not very hopeful that this will work. I feel like we just wasted two months (six months total) and $5k. I wish we'd done the fresh cycle.
Here's hoping I make it the next 12 days.
The transfer itself went fine, but unfortunately only one survived the thaw process. I was devastated when the embryologist told me right before the transfer. I sobbed the whole transfer and pretty much all day Thursday and Friday. There's only a 35% success rate with one embryo (50% with two).
So, I'm not very hopeful that this will work. I feel like we just wasted two months (six months total) and $5k. I wish we'd done the fresh cycle.
Here's hoping I make it the next 12 days.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Thumbs Up
Thanks so much for your sweet comments. I'm trying to keep my spirits up. I finally got my period, so I'm fully in the FET cycle now. The transfer is scheduled for 5/27/2010 and I find out the results 6/10/2010. I just added estradial shots to the mix and they are making me so nauseous that I'm having a hard time eating/keeping food down.
Nugget's 18 month appointment was this past Friday. He's grown like a weed since his 15 month appointment: 3 inches in height, moving from the 5th to 50th percentile in height!! He also moved from the 3rd to 4th percentile in weight. Little guy is still wearing his 6-9 month shorts from last summer....he's such a string bean!
He's so much fun these days and *rea
lly* into all things clean
ing....
lly* into all things clean
ing....
He added FIVE new words to his vocabulary: hummus (my favorite), please (awww), poop (yuck!), fish, and water. This basically doubles his vocabularly. He's not the most verbose toddler, but he seems to be learning with greater rapidity, which makes me hopeful.
Running-wise, I've been hovering around 50-60 miles per week. I think I might shoot for 60-70 miles per week until the transfer, after which I will do nothing but walk and light yoga. My team-mates and coach have been asking when I'm going to return to the track. I'm too afraid to do any speed workouts until I get the pregnancy results...and even then I might wait until we get a heartbeat.
Hope you all are doing well!
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Swallowing My Words
I haven't been posting/commenting much because I've found it hard to come to this blog and see the updates with so many people pregnant. I'm really struggling with our infertility. Most days I can make it through the morning...but by noon...as the monotony of the day wears in and I am away from Nugget, the fear slowly starts to seep in. The fear that this won't work and that we'll have to do it again. That we're gambling on a losing bet. That I'll have to hear about one more person getting pregnant while we struggle. That someone will ask me what my next race is and I'll have the swallow the words I want to say: I'm not running because we're spending a sh*tload of money on fertility treatments and they'd better d@mn well work because we only have enough for two cycles and running a race is the least of my freaking concerns. All I want to do is hold Nugget and be with him...because he takes my mind off all of this. He reminds me that there is hope. And, I'm worried that he'll be our only baby and I certainly don't want to be wasting my precious time with him at work. It's all I can do to manage the bare minimum at work. I just can't stand being there, away from him.
In terms of the process, I've been taking Lupron shots for 8 days, waiting for my period to come so that we can start the FET cycle. It should come 7-12 days after starting Lupron, but I have no symptoms of Aunt Flo in sight.
Sigh.
Here are some shots of Nugget that make me happy:
In terms of the process, I've been taking Lupron shots for 8 days, waiting for my period to come so that we can start the FET cycle. It should come 7-12 days after starting Lupron, but I have no symptoms of Aunt Flo in sight.
Sigh.
Here are some shots of Nugget that make me happy:
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Time to Hang Up the Running Shoes
Official time: 2:59
I'm pretty disappointed with my race. Only 20 seconds faster than my fall marathon. I think my marathon days are over. I really hoped to get 2:55-2:57 and thought this race would be a bellweather as to whether I should really dig into training harder to get down to a OTQ time, but I didn't. Given all the time, effort, and pain involved in marathon training, I'm not sure I'd want to run more only to match my time as 2:59 seems to be my destined PR. Plus, I'd actually prefer running half-marathons and 10-milers. They are easier to absorb in our schedules and don't consume massive amounts of our weekend time together.
Mile Splits:
Ave: 6:46
1: 6:51
2: 6:41
3: 6:38
4: 6:33
5: 6:45
6: 6:36
7: 6:39
8: 6:40
9: 6:37
10: 6:41
11: 6:41
12: 6:33
13: 6:35
14: 6:41
15: 6:53
16: 6:33
17: 6:59
18: 7:01
19: 6:44
20: 6:48
21: 7:23
22: 6:36
23: 6:51
24: 7:02
25: 6:51
26: 7:10
0.2: 6:34
And, now, on to FET. I start my meds tomorrow. (Side story for later: RE switched us to FET at the last minute. 50% chance of working...and we're putting in both embryos. 20% chance of twins! ahhh!)
I'm pretty disappointed with my race. Only 20 seconds faster than my fall marathon. I think my marathon days are over. I really hoped to get 2:55-2:57 and thought this race would be a bellweather as to whether I should really dig into training harder to get down to a OTQ time, but I didn't. Given all the time, effort, and pain involved in marathon training, I'm not sure I'd want to run more only to match my time as 2:59 seems to be my destined PR. Plus, I'd actually prefer running half-marathons and 10-milers. They are easier to absorb in our schedules and don't consume massive amounts of our weekend time together.
Mile Splits:
Ave: 6:46
1: 6:51
2: 6:41
3: 6:38
4: 6:33
5: 6:45
6: 6:36
7: 6:39
8: 6:40
9: 6:37
10: 6:41
11: 6:41
12: 6:33
13: 6:35
14: 6:41
15: 6:53
16: 6:33
17: 6:59
18: 7:01
19: 6:44
20: 6:48
21: 7:23
22: 6:36
23: 6:51
24: 7:02
25: 6:51
26: 7:10
0.2: 6:34
And, now, on to FET. I start my meds tomorrow. (Side story for later: RE switched us to FET at the last minute. 50% chance of working...and we're putting in both embryos. 20% chance of twins! ahhh!)
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Sometimes You Just Need to Let Loose
Seriously.
Big. life. stuff. can take the wind out of your sails. Dying grandmother. Infertile couple. Money stress. Etc.
Sometimes, all you need is a little time with your bestest friends in the whole world and a lot of alcohol. I am a little self conscious putting this out there because you know I am a *mom* and everything. But, it was oh so much fun to just go out and get a little crazy. I seriously don't think I have had as much as I had to drink on Saturday as I have had in YEARS. Definitely since my early single post college days. I'm not condoning this sort of activity...but still.
There are three of us from high school that are still close. These are the girls that know me better than anyone. That can tell my childhood stories. That can joke about my family and all their craziness. My biggest advocates. The people that will tell me like it is. I love them. This past weekend, one flew in from Nashville for the engagement party of the third that lives here. The engagement party featured a "something blue" drink that beckoned the horrible punches concocted by frat boys in college...and I had a lot of "something blue" that night. I'll have to decide if I can take the public embarassment involved in posting my "jumping on the couch" incident at the end of the night...
One week until Big Spring Marathon. I'm hitting my splits at the track, but my legs don't feel so peppy. They were this way before the last marathon, so I've been expecting this. I'm so excited for the marathon to be over, but am thankful that I have it as a distraction. We decided to do a fresh cycle IVF next month because it has a higher success rate and only (ha) costs about $2500-$3000 more than the frozen embryo transfer (total cost $7500-$8000 w/ insurance covering slightly less than half). I feel a huge sense of peace in this decision....in fact, I've had an overwelming sense of calm and peacefulness this past week. I don't know whether it's because we have a plan or whether my body is happy to be hormone free, but it's been such a relief.
Anyway, here are my running stats for last week:
4/5/2010: 6 miles, Body Flow
4/6/2010: 10 miles: 1600 (5:46), 1200 (4:14), 800 (2:43, 2:46), 400 (1:19)
4/7/2010: 8.5 miles
4/8/2010: 8.5 miles
4/9/2010: 9 miles w/ 4 miles at 6:18 pace (6:26, 6:16, 6:14, 6:17)
4/10/2010: 6.5 miles
4/11/2010: 14 miles @ 7:45 pace ave.
Total Mileage: 62.5 miles
Big. life. stuff. can take the wind out of your sails. Dying grandmother. Infertile couple. Money stress. Etc.
Sometimes, all you need is a little time with your bestest friends in the whole world and a lot of alcohol. I am a little self conscious putting this out there because you know I am a *mom* and everything. But, it was oh so much fun to just go out and get a little crazy. I seriously don't think I have had as much as I had to drink on Saturday as I have had in YEARS. Definitely since my early single post college days. I'm not condoning this sort of activity...but still.
There are three of us from high school that are still close. These are the girls that know me better than anyone. That can tell my childhood stories. That can joke about my family and all their craziness. My biggest advocates. The people that will tell me like it is. I love them. This past weekend, one flew in from Nashville for the engagement party of the third that lives here. The engagement party featured a "something blue" drink that beckoned the horrible punches concocted by frat boys in college...and I had a lot of "something blue" that night. I'll have to decide if I can take the public embarassment involved in posting my "jumping on the couch" incident at the end of the night...
One week until Big Spring Marathon. I'm hitting my splits at the track, but my legs don't feel so peppy. They were this way before the last marathon, so I've been expecting this. I'm so excited for the marathon to be over, but am thankful that I have it as a distraction. We decided to do a fresh cycle IVF next month because it has a higher success rate and only (ha) costs about $2500-$3000 more than the frozen embryo transfer (total cost $7500-$8000 w/ insurance covering slightly less than half). I feel a huge sense of peace in this decision....in fact, I've had an overwelming sense of calm and peacefulness this past week. I don't know whether it's because we have a plan or whether my body is happy to be hormone free, but it's been such a relief.
Anyway, here are my running stats for last week:
4/5/2010: 6 miles, Body Flow
4/6/2010: 10 miles: 1600 (5:46), 1200 (4:14), 800 (2:43, 2:46), 400 (1:19)
4/7/2010: 8.5 miles
4/8/2010: 8.5 miles
4/9/2010: 9 miles w/ 4 miles at 6:18 pace (6:26, 6:16, 6:14, 6:17)
4/10/2010: 6.5 miles
4/11/2010: 14 miles @ 7:45 pace ave.
Total Mileage: 62.5 miles
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Making It Through
It's hard to train from a psychological fetal position. I'm already defeated by life right now and it is a struggle just to make it through the work day and front a positive attitude. I just want to sit at home in my sweats, watch Nugget play, and feel sorry for myself. Each day feels like one of those days at the track when you just don't want to be there and you have to pull yourself through the workout. We're moving forward with either IVF or a Frozen Embryo Transfer next month. I get the next two weeks off drugs and then I start my injections the day after Big Spring Marathon in prep for the cycle. We still haven't decided if we are doing IVF or FET. The cost differential is about $3-4K b/c FETs aren't covered by insurance, but we're going to be out $5K-9K at the end of next month. IVF has a 50-60% success rate, whereas FET only has a 20% success rate.
My legs are feeling a bit better. I cut my long run short this past weekend because I just wasn't feeling it. I was getting over a cold and my body felt a little tired and achy. I perked up at the track today and was spitting out some pretty good splits (see below). I still don't feel as perky as I felt before the 1/2 marathon, but I'm hoping that I come back with my taper the next two weeks.
I have no idea what pace to shoot for at Big Spring Marathon. Maybe 2:56/2:57 (6:42-6:45 pace)? My 1/2 marathon was predictive of a 2:53 (6:35 pace), but I don't know that I can go that fast.
Last Week's Mileage:
3/29/2010: 6.5 miles, Body Flow
3/30/2010: 12 miles, 8x800 (2:54, 2:48, 2:49, 2:46, 2:50, 2:53, 2:54, 2:54) (I kind of died 1/2 way through; guess I was feeling the 22 mile long run), 30 min yoga
3/31/2010: 12 miles am // 5 miles pm
4/1/2010: 12 miles am // 3 miles pm
4/2/2010: 11 miles total, 4 miles @ 6:14
4/3/2010: 11 miles, 20 minutes yoga, abs
4/4/2010: 14 miles @ 7:20 pace
Total: 86.5 miles
Track practice today:
4/6/2010: 10 miles total: 1600 (5:46), 1200 (4:14), 800 (2:43, 2:46), 400 (1:19)
My legs are feeling a bit better. I cut my long run short this past weekend because I just wasn't feeling it. I was getting over a cold and my body felt a little tired and achy. I perked up at the track today and was spitting out some pretty good splits (see below). I still don't feel as perky as I felt before the 1/2 marathon, but I'm hoping that I come back with my taper the next two weeks.
I have no idea what pace to shoot for at Big Spring Marathon. Maybe 2:56/2:57 (6:42-6:45 pace)? My 1/2 marathon was predictive of a 2:53 (6:35 pace), but I don't know that I can go that fast.
Last Week's Mileage:
3/29/2010: 6.5 miles, Body Flow
3/30/2010: 12 miles, 8x800 (2:54, 2:48, 2:49, 2:46, 2:50, 2:53, 2:54, 2:54) (I kind of died 1/2 way through; guess I was feeling the 22 mile long run), 30 min yoga
3/31/2010: 12 miles am // 5 miles pm
4/1/2010: 12 miles am // 3 miles pm
4/2/2010: 11 miles total, 4 miles @ 6:14
4/3/2010: 11 miles, 20 minutes yoga, abs
4/4/2010: 14 miles @ 7:20 pace
Total: 86.5 miles
Track practice today:
4/6/2010: 10 miles total: 1600 (5:46), 1200 (4:14), 800 (2:43, 2:46), 400 (1:19)
Friday, April 2, 2010
And Now We're Here Again
Well, just got another BFN. Our third. And, now we're officially moving on to hard-core fertility treatments. I'm hoping that we can get in a Frozen Embryo Transfer this month, but seems I will likely be ovulating the weekend that we are going away for Boston.
I'm so depressed about this. Or maybe it's just all the freaking hormones. I'm tired of being on those, too.
I had hoped that we would get to be the lucky ones that had no problems TTC after going through IVF. But, we're not. The improvement in my husband's sperm over the past two years made us hopeful that this would be possible, but it doesn't seem to have improved enough. He had three freaking targets this time and his guys couldn't even get one.
OK, let's try and focus on the positive...
--Big Spring Marathon is still on. Let's hope I get another PR. That would be the one glimmer of hope in these past four miserable months.
--ALCOHOL! I get to drink at my friend's engagement party and my sister's wedding!
--One of my best friends is getting married in Dec 2010 and now we'll definitely be going to her wedding.
That's it. That's my list. It will have to be my mantra to get through the next two weeks. Heaven help me if there are any more pregnancy announcements.
I'm so depressed about this. Or maybe it's just all the freaking hormones. I'm tired of being on those, too.
I had hoped that we would get to be the lucky ones that had no problems TTC after going through IVF. But, we're not. The improvement in my husband's sperm over the past two years made us hopeful that this would be possible, but it doesn't seem to have improved enough. He had three freaking targets this time and his guys couldn't even get one.
OK, let's try and focus on the positive...
--Big Spring Marathon is still on. Let's hope I get another PR. That would be the one glimmer of hope in these past four miserable months.
--ALCOHOL! I get to drink at my friend's engagement party and my sister's wedding!
--One of my best friends is getting married in Dec 2010 and now we'll definitely be going to her wedding.
That's it. That's my list. It will have to be my mantra to get through the next two weeks. Heaven help me if there are any more pregnancy announcements.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Training Follies
Experts would never advise taking my training approach for the Big Spring Marathon:
1. Don't really psychologically commit to training for the marathon until 8 weeks prior.
2. Don't get any massages.
3. Don't EVER do an ice-bath.
4. Consistently get too little sleep.
5. Couple training for a marathon with trying to get pregnant.
6. Gain 5 lbs of icecream, cupcakes, bread, peanut butter and jelly.
7. Have a lot of other stressful life issues plus increased work schedule.
8. Use two weeks of a snow storm as an excuse to do barely any speedwork.
9. Don't do any core work (despite promising yourself that you would do abs 3x/week).
10. Routinely find excuses to cut speed workouts short.
Despite all of my bad behavior training-wise, things seem to be going really well. I had an awesome week with my highest mileage EVER, which I was really pleased with. My legs were a little tapped out during the speed workouts because of the race last weekend, but I really can't complain.
Weekly Mileage
3/21/2010: 6.5 miles, BodyFlow
3/22/2010: 2.5 miles WU, 4 x 1200 (4:35 (coach made us go slow), 4:24, 4:21, 4:14), 4 miles CD (10.5 miles total) // 30 minutes yoga, 2 mile walk
3/23/2010: 12 miles am // 4 miles pm
3/24/2010: 11 miles am // 3 miles pm
3/25/2010: 3 miles WU, 3 miles (6:26, 6:16, 6:15), 4 miles CD
3/26/2010: 10 miles
3/27/2010: 22 miles (ave. 7:25 w/ last 7 miles at 6:25-6:35)
Total Mileage: 89 miles
Three weeks til Big Spring Marathon! Eeee!
Question: I felt like I was chomping at the bit the entire long run, wanting to go faster, but the guys I was running with kept yelling at me to go slower. Should I have gone faster? I don't know whether I should be doing my long runs at a faster pace.
1. Don't really psychologically commit to training for the marathon until 8 weeks prior.
2. Don't get any massages.
3. Don't EVER do an ice-bath.
4. Consistently get too little sleep.
5. Couple training for a marathon with trying to get pregnant.
6. Gain 5 lbs of icecream, cupcakes, bread, peanut butter and jelly.
7. Have a lot of other stressful life issues plus increased work schedule.
8. Use two weeks of a snow storm as an excuse to do barely any speedwork.
9. Don't do any core work (despite promising yourself that you would do abs 3x/week).
10. Routinely find excuses to cut speed workouts short.
Despite all of my bad behavior training-wise, things seem to be going really well. I had an awesome week with my highest mileage EVER, which I was really pleased with. My legs were a little tapped out during the speed workouts because of the race last weekend, but I really can't complain.
Weekly Mileage
3/21/2010: 6.5 miles, BodyFlow
3/22/2010: 2.5 miles WU, 4 x 1200 (4:35 (coach made us go slow), 4:24, 4:21, 4:14), 4 miles CD (10.5 miles total) // 30 minutes yoga, 2 mile walk
3/23/2010: 12 miles am // 4 miles pm
3/24/2010: 11 miles am // 3 miles pm
3/25/2010: 3 miles WU, 3 miles (6:26, 6:16, 6:15), 4 miles CD
3/26/2010: 10 miles
3/27/2010: 22 miles (ave. 7:25 w/ last 7 miles at 6:25-6:35)
Total Mileage: 89 miles
Three weeks til Big Spring Marathon! Eeee!
Question: I felt like I was chomping at the bit the entire long run, wanting to go faster, but the guys I was running with kept yelling at me to go slower. Should I have gone faster? I don't know whether I should be doing my long runs at a faster pace.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
No Excuses
Going into this race, I was a little nervous because I had no excuses. No fall-back explanation for why I didn't run well. I'd been getting great sleep, feeling awesome at the track, eating well, gorgeous weather, etc. My hope was to beat my previous 1/2 marathon PR 1:23:34. I knew that I was in better shape than I was then, but the PR course was pretty much all down-hill and today's race WAS NOT.
I managed to beat my PR: 1:21:57, a 6:16 pace. I started out WAY too fast...finished the 10K in 37:42 (6:04 pace)...which is now my 10K PR...as I haven't run a 10K in years and don't have any times on record. I haven't even run that fast in my tempo workouts! What the heck?! I was tied with the 5th place girl (one of my team-mates who was uber-supportive:>) until mile 10 when I just couldn't keep up any more. Starting out too fast was NOT a wise race strategy. The sad thing is that I was really trying to keep it under control.
My coach emailed me and said that a 1:22 1/2 marathon is predictive of a 2:53 marathon...if I can keep up the good training and don't get knocked up. Running the half today made me really wish that I get knocked up in the next four weeks...a marathon is *so* freaking long!
All in all, the highlight of my day was that I had FRIENDS at the race! People to warm up with! People to gab about the race with after it was over! I didn't have this a year ago this time and it made me so happy!
And, a little shout out to MCM Mama: you rock for being a volunteer and getting up that early! It was great to see you!
I managed to beat my PR: 1:21:57, a 6:16 pace. I started out WAY too fast...finished the 10K in 37:42 (6:04 pace)...which is now my 10K PR...as I haven't run a 10K in years and don't have any times on record. I haven't even run that fast in my tempo workouts! What the heck?! I was tied with the 5th place girl (one of my team-mates who was uber-supportive:>) until mile 10 when I just couldn't keep up any more. Starting out too fast was NOT a wise race strategy. The sad thing is that I was really trying to keep it under control.
My coach emailed me and said that a 1:22 1/2 marathon is predictive of a 2:53 marathon...if I can keep up the good training and don't get knocked up. Running the half today made me really wish that I get knocked up in the next four weeks...a marathon is *so* freaking long!
All in all, the highlight of my day was that I had FRIENDS at the race! People to warm up with! People to gab about the race with after it was over! I didn't have this a year ago this time and it made me so happy!
And, a little shout out to MCM Mama: you rock for being a volunteer and getting up that early! It was great to see you!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
I Heart the Mini-Taper
I've been doing a mini-taper for my 1/2 marathon this weekend and, man, it's been great. I think I'll do this with any future marathons. It's a nice little mental and physical break from training. After the race this weekend, I only have two more weeks of big mileage and then it's taper time for Big Spring Marathon! I've had great track workouts the past two weeks, so I'm hoping that bodes well. And, man, what a difference SLEEP and PROTEIN seems to be making in my running!
My goal for the half is 1:21-1:26. I'm not sure what pace I'll be able to keep. It's supposed to be a tough course. It makes me nervous just putting a time goal out there!
Last Week's Mileage
3/8/2010: 6 miles, Body Flow
3/9/2010: 2 miles WU, 8 x 800 (3:05 (coach made us go slow), 2:51, 2:50, 2:50, 2:51, 2:49, 2:51, 2:52), 1.25 miles CD (9 miles)
3/10/2010: 11 miles am // 4 miles pm
3/11/2010: 11 miles am // 30 min yoga PM
3/12/2010: 3 miles WU, 4 miles in 25:09 (6:17 pace), 4 miles CD
3/13/2010: 12.3 miles
3/14/2010: 10.2 miles
Total Mileage: 74.5 miles
Estimated Week's Mileage
3/14/2010: 7 miles, Body Flow
3/15/2010: 1.5 miles WU, 1600 (5:45), 800 (2:43), 800 (2:48--coach told me to slow down), 400 (1:17), 400 (1:18), 1 mile CD (6 miles)
3/16/2010: 8.5 miles
3/17/2010: 6.5 miles
3/18/2010: OFF
3/19/2010: 1 mile WU, 13.1 miles, 2 miles CD
3/20/2010: 11 miles
Total Mileage: 55 miles
My goal for the half is 1:21-1:26. I'm not sure what pace I'll be able to keep. It's supposed to be a tough course. It makes me nervous just putting a time goal out there!
Last Week's Mileage
3/8/2010: 6 miles, Body Flow
3/9/2010: 2 miles WU, 8 x 800 (3:05 (coach made us go slow), 2:51, 2:50, 2:50, 2:51, 2:49, 2:51, 2:52), 1.25 miles CD (9 miles)
3/10/2010: 11 miles am // 4 miles pm
3/11/2010: 11 miles am // 30 min yoga PM
3/12/2010: 3 miles WU, 4 miles in 25:09 (6:17 pace), 4 miles CD
3/13/2010: 12.3 miles
3/14/2010: 10.2 miles
Total Mileage: 74.5 miles
Estimated Week's Mileage
3/14/2010: 7 miles, Body Flow
3/15/2010: 1.5 miles WU, 1600 (5:45), 800 (2:43), 800 (2:48--coach told me to slow down), 400 (1:17), 400 (1:18), 1 mile CD (6 miles)
3/16/2010: 8.5 miles
3/17/2010: 6.5 miles
3/18/2010: OFF
3/19/2010: 1 mile WU, 13.1 miles, 2 miles CD
3/20/2010: 11 miles
Total Mileage: 55 miles
Sunday, March 7, 2010
How Not to Raise an Obnoxious Child
After spending some time today with some other people's children, including one particularly awful child, I'm wondering how not to raise an obnoxious child.
Of course, some children just like to test limits and do potentially dangerous things. There's nothing wrong with that...to a point. I don't want to raise an automaton that does whatever I say. But, I'd like to raise a child that is considerate of others and doesn't steamroll other people. How does one do this?
There was an incident today when Nugget was holding a fly swatter and another child approached him and wanted to play with it. I tried to give the fly swatter to the boy and Nugget threw a royal fit. I was at loss what to do about the situation. I explained to the other child that Nugget was having a hard time sharing and we would have to find another toy for him to play with.
Does anyone have any books on parenting they recommend??
Running Stats:
3/1/2010: 5.75 miles @ 9:30* // Bodyflow pm
3/2/2010: 2.5 miles WU, 1200 (4:23) 600 jog, 800 (2:50) 400 jog, 400 (1:20) 200 jog; 1200 (4:21) 600 jog; 1200 (4:21) 600 jog, 800 (2:49) 400 jog, 400 (1:19); 3 mile CD (10 miles)
3/3/2010: 11.2 miles am // 4 miles pm
3/4/2010: 11.2 miles am // 20 minutes yoga pm
3/5/2010: 3 miles WU, 5 miles in 32:08 (6:25 pace), 3 miles CD
3/6/2010: 10.2 miles
3/7/2010: 20.5 miles in 2:29:40 (7:18 pace)
Total Mileage: 84 miles
I'm feeling pretty great despite high mileage, which makes me happy. I think the increased protein is definitely doing the trick! I had a great long run today, finishing out in 6:50 pace for the last few miles. I have a 1/2 marathon in two weeks and am going to attempt to "run through" with a minimal taper, which I've learned in the past does NOT result in my best running, but my goal race is Big Spring Marathon (as it doesn't look like I'm going to get pregnant before then). Got another official negative test result despite perfect timing and two targets. Sigh.
Of course, some children just like to test limits and do potentially dangerous things. There's nothing wrong with that...to a point. I don't want to raise an automaton that does whatever I say. But, I'd like to raise a child that is considerate of others and doesn't steamroll other people. How does one do this?
There was an incident today when Nugget was holding a fly swatter and another child approached him and wanted to play with it. I tried to give the fly swatter to the boy and Nugget threw a royal fit. I was at loss what to do about the situation. I explained to the other child that Nugget was having a hard time sharing and we would have to find another toy for him to play with.
Does anyone have any books on parenting they recommend??
Running Stats:
3/1/2010: 5.75 miles @ 9:30* // Bodyflow pm
3/2/2010: 2.5 miles WU, 1200 (4:23) 600 jog, 800 (2:50) 400 jog, 400 (1:20) 200 jog; 1200 (4:21) 600 jog; 1200 (4:21) 600 jog, 800 (2:49) 400 jog, 400 (1:19); 3 mile CD (10 miles)
3/3/2010: 11.2 miles am // 4 miles pm
3/4/2010: 11.2 miles am // 20 minutes yoga pm
3/5/2010: 3 miles WU, 5 miles in 32:08 (6:25 pace), 3 miles CD
3/6/2010: 10.2 miles
3/7/2010: 20.5 miles in 2:29:40 (7:18 pace)
Total Mileage: 84 miles
I'm feeling pretty great despite high mileage, which makes me happy. I think the increased protein is definitely doing the trick! I had a great long run today, finishing out in 6:50 pace for the last few miles. I have a 1/2 marathon in two weeks and am going to attempt to "run through" with a minimal taper, which I've learned in the past does NOT result in my best running, but my goal race is Big Spring Marathon (as it doesn't look like I'm going to get pregnant before then). Got another official negative test result despite perfect timing and two targets. Sigh.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Protein Convert!
Since my post on Sunday, I've been actively trying to eat more protein. I even stocked up a bunch of different types of meat that I haven't eaten in MONTHS: pork tenderloin, beef bottom round for pot roast, ground turkey for turkey stroganoff, etc., as well as some greek yogurt (that stuff can have 20g of protein in one serving!). In thinking about my pre-protein diet, I estimate that I was eating 40-60g of protein each day. Here's my new revised diet:
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Exercise: 22 miles!
Pre-run
3 pancakes w/ syrup (6g)
Banana (1g)
1-2 spoonfuls of PB (6g)
During run
GU Chomps
Lunch
turkey sandwich w/ hummus & cheese(31g)
fig newton
grapefruit
Snack
Cottage cheese double (14g)
Dinner
2.5 corn bread muffins (2g)
1 bowl turkey chilli (20g)
salad w/ goat cheese (3g)
Snack
grapefruit
nantucket trail mix (2g)
soymilk (7g)
berries
yogurt (16g)
honey
Total Protein: 106g!
Monday, March 1, 2010
Run 5.75 miles, 1 hour yoga class
Breakfast
Banana (1g)
Oatmeal (6g)
2TBSPN Walnut (4g)
Berries
Honey
Lunch
Apple
Fig Newton
Turkey sandwich w/ hummus & cheese (31g)
Snack
greek yogurt w/ honey (16g)
apple
oatmeal (6g)
Dinner
turkey chilli (20g)
salad w/ goat cheese (3g)
Snack
1 pc dark chocolate
2-3 spoons of PB & jelly (8g)
Banana (1g)
soymilk (8g)
chocolate syrup
Total: 103g
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Exercise: Track workout, total 10 miles
Pre-workout:
Peanut Butter (8g)
Banana (1g)
Post-workout:
Greek yogurt (16g)
Berries
Honey
Wheatgerm
Lunch:
Apple
Turkey sandwich w/ hummus & cheese (31g)
Fig Newton
Snack:
Apple
Greek yogurt (16g)
Honey
Dinner:
Pork Tenderloin (19g)
Orzo w/ Goat Cheese (6g ??)
Asparagus in EVOO
Snack:
2-3 handfuls chocolate chips
1 big spoon of peach jelly (am I the only one that does this?)
Total: 97g
Can I tell you, I feel a HUGE difference? I'm not sure if this was just dumb luck, but I had my first AWESOME track workout in WEEKS on Tuesday. Not sure if it was the protein or Michelle's positive thinking influence:>, but I ran:
1200 (4:23), 800 (2:50), 400 (1:20) AND 1200 (4:21), 800 (2:49), 400 (1:19)
I almost did another set, but didn't want to overdo it after my 22 mile run on Sunday.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Exercise: 22 miles!
Pre-run
3 pancakes w/ syrup (6g)
Banana (1g)
1-2 spoonfuls of PB (6g)
During run
GU Chomps
Lunch
turkey sandwich w/ hummus & cheese(31g)
fig newton
grapefruit
Snack
Cottage cheese double (14g)
Dinner
2.5 corn bread muffins (2g)
1 bowl turkey chilli (20g)
salad w/ goat cheese (3g)
Snack
grapefruit
nantucket trail mix (2g)
soymilk (7g)
berries
yogurt (16g)
honey
Total Protein: 106g!
Monday, March 1, 2010
Run 5.75 miles, 1 hour yoga class
Breakfast
Banana (1g)
Oatmeal (6g)
2TBSPN Walnut (4g)
Berries
Honey
Lunch
Apple
Fig Newton
Turkey sandwich w/ hummus & cheese (31g)
Snack
greek yogurt w/ honey (16g)
apple
oatmeal (6g)
Dinner
turkey chilli (20g)
salad w/ goat cheese (3g)
Snack
1 pc dark chocolate
2-3 spoons of PB & jelly (8g)
Banana (1g)
soymilk (8g)
chocolate syrup
Total: 103g
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Exercise: Track workout, total 10 miles
Pre-workout:
Peanut Butter (8g)
Banana (1g)
Post-workout:
Greek yogurt (16g)
Berries
Honey
Wheatgerm
Lunch:
Apple
Turkey sandwich w/ hummus & cheese (31g)
Fig Newton
Snack:
Apple
Greek yogurt (16g)
Honey
Dinner:
Pork Tenderloin (19g)
Orzo w/ Goat Cheese (6g ??)
Asparagus in EVOO
Snack:
2-3 handfuls chocolate chips
1 big spoon of peach jelly (am I the only one that does this?)
Total: 97g
Can I tell you, I feel a HUGE difference? I'm not sure if this was just dumb luck, but I had my first AWESOME track workout in WEEKS on Tuesday. Not sure if it was the protein or Michelle's positive thinking influence:>, but I ran:
1200 (4:23), 800 (2:50), 400 (1:20) AND 1200 (4:21), 800 (2:49), 400 (1:19)
I almost did another set, but didn't want to overdo it after my 22 mile run on Sunday.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Racing Weight
In attepts to figure out why I've been feeling so flat, I've been reading a lot about fueling for long distance training. My coach has been telling me, "make sure you're eating right," which I always assume to mean eating enough calories which has never been a problem for me. But, I've been thinking about it more lately and wondering whether I've been getting enough protein in my diet. Plus, I've probably gained about 5 or so pounds (guessing based on how my clothes feel, haven't been brave enough to get on the scale). I've been attributing the weight gain to the fertility meds (we're now on our second round). D@mn drugs make me starving. Plus, I've been subconsciously thinking that eating more might help me get pregnant, but after reading this blog post about a runner that got pregnant with a BMI of 18.3 and running 60-80 MPW, I'm reconsidering. My ideal BMI is an 18.5-18.6 (i.e. the weight I like to be). I got pregnant last time with a BMI around 19.9.
Also, I've been reading "Racing Weight" by Matt Fitzgerald (is EVERYONE reading this book now??) and found the following excerpt to be very interesting:
Now, I know that this is a small sample size and not generalizable, but I wonder if there might be some truth to it. For the next seven weeks until Boston (eeeee!), I'm going to focus on eating more protein. I don't think I have a problem with consuming enough fat (hello, Mr. Peanut Butter, please stop calling my name). I'm going track (and report to you all) what I eat for 3 days to see how much I'm eating and the protein/carb/fat breakdown.
Weekly Mileage for the Past Two Weeks:
Monday, February 15, 2010: 6 miles
Tuesday, February 16, 2010: 8 miles ~1400 x 2, ~700 x 2
Wednesday, February 17, 2010: 11 miles
Thursday, February 18, 2010: 9 miles am // 30 min yoga PM
Friday, February 19, 2010: 2.5 miles WU, 5 miles @ 6:30 pace, 2.5 miles CD // 30 min yoga PM
Saturday, February 20, 2010: 10 miles
Sunday, February 21, 2010: 18 miles in 2:08:56 (7:09 min/mile pace)
Total: 72 miles
Monday, February 22, 2010: 6 miles
Tuesday, February 23, 2010: 9 miles am // 30 min yoga pm, 2 mile walk (hammie bugging me so I skipped the speed workout)
Wednesday, February 24, 2010: 12 miles am // 3 miles pm
Thursday, February 25, 2010: 10 miles am // 20 min Jillian's Shred workout (hard!! I'm out of shape!)
Friday, February 26, 2010: 3 mles WU, 5 miles @ 6:37 w/ 50 MPH winds!, 2 miles CD (felt DEAD:<)
Saturday, February 27, 2010: 10 miles am // 30 min yoga pm
Sunday, Feburary 28, 2010: 22 miles in 2:46:50 (8:02 min/mile pace) (whoops, only meant to run 20! my garmin died:<)
Total Mileage: 82 miles
Also, I've been reading "Racing Weight" by Matt Fitzgerald (is EVERYONE reading this book now??) and found the following excerpt to be very interesting:
Researchers from the Norwegian School of Sport Sciences sought to identify nutritional correlatios with menstrual irregularity in runners, with a special focus on vitamin E. Ten runners with menstrual irregularity and 10 runners with normal menstrual cycles submitted three-day dietary recalls. Analysis of these data revealed that women with menstrual irregularity consumed significantly less fat than the others. Both groups consumed inadequate amounts of vitamin E, but blood analysis revealed that the women with menstrual irregularity had low levels of vitamin E, while vitamin E levels in the others were normal. The authors of the study wrote, "Our results indicate that irregular menstrual function in athletes on a low-fat diet is associaed wth low concentrations of circulating [vitamin E], rending the red blood cells more susceptible to haemolysis in connction with physical activity.
Now, I know that this is a small sample size and not generalizable, but I wonder if there might be some truth to it. For the next seven weeks until Boston (eeeee!), I'm going to focus on eating more protein. I don't think I have a problem with consuming enough fat (hello, Mr. Peanut Butter, please stop calling my name). I'm going track (and report to you all) what I eat for 3 days to see how much I'm eating and the protein/carb/fat breakdown.
Weekly Mileage for the Past Two Weeks:
Monday, February 15, 2010: 6 miles
Tuesday, February 16, 2010: 8 miles ~1400 x 2, ~700 x 2
Wednesday, February 17, 2010: 11 miles
Thursday, February 18, 2010: 9 miles am // 30 min yoga PM
Friday, February 19, 2010: 2.5 miles WU, 5 miles @ 6:30 pace, 2.5 miles CD // 30 min yoga PM
Saturday, February 20, 2010: 10 miles
Sunday, February 21, 2010: 18 miles in 2:08:56 (7:09 min/mile pace)
Total: 72 miles
Monday, February 22, 2010: 6 miles
Tuesday, February 23, 2010: 9 miles am // 30 min yoga pm, 2 mile walk (hammie bugging me so I skipped the speed workout)
Wednesday, February 24, 2010: 12 miles am // 3 miles pm
Thursday, February 25, 2010: 10 miles am // 20 min Jillian's Shred workout (hard!! I'm out of shape!)
Friday, February 26, 2010: 3 mles WU, 5 miles @ 6:37 w/ 50 MPH winds!, 2 miles CD (felt DEAD:<)
Saturday, February 27, 2010: 10 miles am // 30 min yoga pm
Sunday, Feburary 28, 2010: 22 miles in 2:46:50 (8:02 min/mile pace) (whoops, only meant to run 20! my garmin died:<)
Total Mileage: 82 miles
Monday, February 15, 2010
Nine Weeks? FREAK OUT!
I guess I was really hoping that I would just get pregnant and wouldn't have to run the full Big Spring Marathon. Since it appears that isn't going to happen, I really need to focus on the training! I skipped an 18 mile long run last week hoping that it might help with the BFP...and because I was feeling tired...and now I find myself with only 9 more weeks to go. So, as MCM Mama would say...I put on my big girl panties and did my first 20 mile run yesterday...by myself...on the slippery streets...in the blustery winds...all within a 3 mile radius of my house. Needless to say, I ran up and down and down and up a lot of the same streets.
I was nervous going into the run that I wouldn't be able to keep the pace, but I did pretty well. Overall, my pace was 8:05, which I'll take given that many of the roads were still covered in ice and I frequently had to walk. I got in a few miles at 6:30 pace, so I'm feeling more confident. I still can't believe that the race is 9 weeks away!
Weekly Mileage:
Monday, February 8, 2010: 4 mile walk, 45 minutes yoga
Tuesday, February 9, 2010: 4 mile walk, 30 minutes yoga
Wednesday, February 10, 2010: 11 mile run
Thursday, February 11, 2010: 11 mile run
Friday, February 12, 2010: 9 mile run, 30 minutes yoga
Saturday, February 13, 2010: 10 mile run
Sunday, February 14, 2010: 20 mile run @ 8:05 pace, 4 miles @ 6:30 pace
Total Mileage: 61 miles
I was nervous going into the run that I wouldn't be able to keep the pace, but I did pretty well. Overall, my pace was 8:05, which I'll take given that many of the roads were still covered in ice and I frequently had to walk. I got in a few miles at 6:30 pace, so I'm feeling more confident. I still can't believe that the race is 9 weeks away!
Weekly Mileage:
Monday, February 8, 2010: 4 mile walk, 45 minutes yoga
Tuesday, February 9, 2010: 4 mile walk, 30 minutes yoga
Wednesday, February 10, 2010: 11 mile run
Thursday, February 11, 2010: 11 mile run
Friday, February 12, 2010: 9 mile run, 30 minutes yoga
Saturday, February 13, 2010: 10 mile run
Sunday, February 14, 2010: 20 mile run @ 8:05 pace, 4 miles @ 6:30 pace
Total Mileage: 61 miles
Friday, February 12, 2010
Happy (Early) Valentine's Day!
We SURVIVED Snowmaggedan 2010! Only 7 days of being stuck inside 95% of the day with full-time baby duty. Honestly, I kind of loved it. I had a nice little routine going. I'd sleep in until 8/9 when hubby had to start working, play with Nugget, eat lunch, put him down for a nap and go on a walk/run on the beloved treadmill, play with Nugget for a couple more hours, make and eat dinner, put Nugget down, maybe do a little yoga or watch TV and go to bed. I was getting 8-9-10 hours of sleep! It was AWESOME! Plus, I *finally* finished Nugget's babybook! Woohoo!In (early) celebration of Valentine's Day, I made some yummy vegan chocolate cupcakes (thanks for the recipe, Abbie!) that I have been jonesing for since July with cream cheese icing. I may or may not have eaten 4 in one day (does it count as a whole cupcake if I eat the remains of my small child's???). They were delish! And, Nugget, being my son, loved the icing the best!
Monday, February 8, 2010
Pick your title: Get a Grip (or) Discipline Post
I've been showing a lot of discipline the past few days...am on my 3rd day of no running, even though I sorely want to. Every muscle in my body is twitching and aching to get out there and beat my pent up stress and frustration into the pavement/treadmill/whatever. We just had 2 feet of snow dumped on us, which is beautiful, but let's just say that my husband and I haven't been hitting our stride lately. He can spend two hours shoveling the snow and I'll focus on the one plate that he didn't load after eating his lunch. He can get up and take care of Nugget in the morning and I'll come downstairs grumpy because toys are strewn everywhere. Hmph. Sounds like I'm the one not hitting my stride. I don't know whether it is the lack of running, all the hormones, or the lack of sleep that is making me crazy. Maybe a combination of all three? To top it off, I tried to walk for a bit on the treadmill today and my quad seized up...it felt similar to the way it did back in August when I was sidelined for 6 weeks. Arg? How can one get injured WHILE taking a break from running? It had felt fine the day prior. What is going on??
I'm already thinking this means that I'm going to be unable to run for weeks on end and was sadly eyeing the "Shape" and "Self" magazines at the grocery store, thinking, why bother....it's not like I'm a physically active person anymore. I mean, SERIOUSLY, three days of no running and I'm no longer "in-shape" or "active?" Get a grip.
My insanity hit an apex today when Nugget started sticking his finger down his throat while we were eating dinner. He was fascinated with it. He'd stick his finger down, choke a little, and then I would pull it out and tell him "no!" He kept doing it. My husband and I thought it would be better for us to ignore him and that maybe he just wanted attention. Well, Nugget kept doing it until he puked his entire dinner down the front of his clothes. I gagged at the rank-sweet smell of puke for the first time in months.
Crazy lady made yet again another appearance: "Bad boy!" I yelled.
How could he throw-up the whole meal that I had made lovingly FOR HIM (sweet potato fries, black bean sliders, green beans)? Why did he ignore us?
I picked him up, carried him upstairs, and plopped him in the tub. Tore off his clothes. Washed him abruptly with not quite warm enough water. Put his pajamas on and set him in his crib with no binkie, no blanket, no bottle. He was crying.
My internal monologue told me to calm down: he didn't know what he was doing, it probably frightened him and his throat is hurting. I took deep breaths. Moments passed as I stood outside his room, looking at him in his bed, crying. I felt awful.
I went in and wrapped him in his blanket and rocked him. How easily he will forgive me now for my temper. But, I really have to get it under control.
How do you discipline a 15 month old??
I find myself falling back on my parents' authoritarian model, but know that this isn't the way I want to raise my children. This is going to be harder than I thought.
I'm already thinking this means that I'm going to be unable to run for weeks on end and was sadly eyeing the "Shape" and "Self" magazines at the grocery store, thinking, why bother....it's not like I'm a physically active person anymore. I mean, SERIOUSLY, three days of no running and I'm no longer "in-shape" or "active?" Get a grip.
My insanity hit an apex today when Nugget started sticking his finger down his throat while we were eating dinner. He was fascinated with it. He'd stick his finger down, choke a little, and then I would pull it out and tell him "no!" He kept doing it. My husband and I thought it would be better for us to ignore him and that maybe he just wanted attention. Well, Nugget kept doing it until he puked his entire dinner down the front of his clothes. I gagged at the rank-sweet smell of puke for the first time in months.
Crazy lady made yet again another appearance: "Bad boy!" I yelled.
How could he throw-up the whole meal that I had made lovingly FOR HIM (sweet potato fries, black bean sliders, green beans)? Why did he ignore us?
I picked him up, carried him upstairs, and plopped him in the tub. Tore off his clothes. Washed him abruptly with not quite warm enough water. Put his pajamas on and set him in his crib with no binkie, no blanket, no bottle. He was crying.
My internal monologue told me to calm down: he didn't know what he was doing, it probably frightened him and his throat is hurting. I took deep breaths. Moments passed as I stood outside his room, looking at him in his bed, crying. I felt awful.
I went in and wrapped him in his blanket and rocked him. How easily he will forgive me now for my temper. But, I really have to get it under control.
How do you discipline a 15 month old??
I find myself falling back on my parents' authoritarian model, but know that this isn't the way I want to raise my children. This is going to be harder than I thought.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)