Christmas Hazing

Nathan and his great grandmother "GiGi" and the stocking she made him.
My parents and Nathan.

My mom and the ridiculous snowman outfit that Nathan hated.
Nathan in his Christmas outfit.

We just got back yesterday from my parents' house. It was a great visit and we had incredible weather while we were there. I got in some of my favorite runs along the James River! Poor Nathan had to undergo severe hazing this Christmas, as evidence in the photos above. I was very sad, though, because we did not get one family photo of hubby, Nathan and me. We are going to some friends for NYE tonight and I am hoping that their Christmas tree is still up so that we can get a photo in front of it! For a Christmas present, I asked Nathan to either smile spontaneously for me...or sleep for 5 hours in a row. He decided to give me the smile, which I still haven't been able to capture on film. Maybe 5 hours of sleep for MLK Day?? Despite the hustle of the holiday, I got in 48 miles and 1 hour on the elliptical last week.

My husband and I sat down today and wrote out our family goals for the year.

They include:

• Financial Goals: Increase savings. Start Nugget's college savings plan. Buy a new sofa and loveseat. Buy a treadmill or elliptical. Maybe buy a new house (depends on interest rates and whether husband loses job)??
• Family Goals: One date night per week. One cultural event per month. One day hike per month. Have friends over for dinner once per month. Develop 10 family rules/quotes. (For example, my father always said "if you are going to do something, do it right" and my friend Anne's mom would always say "we all make choices" in response to complaining.)
• Travel Goals: Trip to hubby's home state 1/2 Marathon and visit friends. Take Nugget to meet his great great grandmother Virgie. Annual trip to Maine OR my grad school friends group trip. Trip to Glacier National Park or Crater Lake. Start planning exotic trip for hubby and me in Winter 2010 to Thailand...or something of that sort before we start trying for tax deduction #2. (The last two are dependent on funds.)
• Fitness Goals: Hubby wants to run the home state 1/2 Marathon with me in June. He currently does not run at all. Hubby also wants to join CrossFit and get back in shape. I have a couple of races planned, but am leery of making plans because I don't know how much training I will be able to do and work full time. My primary fitness goal is to make new running friends and race some 10-milers and 1/2 marathons this spring and then evaluate my summer/fall training schedule. I may try to do a duathalon, triathalon, or marathon in the fall. I've always wanted to run the NYC marathon, but we'll see if I can get in.
• My Personal Goals: Learn more about Abraham Lincoln and Civil War. Learn more about photography. Read two leadership/management books. For my non-profit: successfully move to paid membership; raise $20K; have high visibility spring event; work on developing executive committee; build high profile executive board. For work, lead my own engagement (1-4 staff) and determine whether I want to change my area of focus. In my marriage, work on not screaming when I get mad at my hubby and do not get mad when the house is messy, which falls into the category of "small stuff." Only purchase clothes that are needed for wardrobe basics, i.e., no impulse purchases. Journal at least 2x per month. Keep Nathan's baby book up to date.

ISO Running Partner

Finding a good running partner is like dating...you have to match all the essential characteristics:

• Pace: You have to run at or near the same pace. Someone a little faster is great because she pushes you...on the other hand...she can push you too much and you can end up with an injury or constantly feeling like you are holding her back.
• Distance: You have to find someone that likes to go the same distance. If you are a marathoner and your partner is a 10K gal, then you're not going to be training for the same races.
• Attitude: This is the hardest for me. I like to run and occassionally do races, but training never has and never will be the center of my life. I ran with a group of girls after college that wanted to make it to the Olympic trials. That has never been my goal. I like to run as fast as I can, but I don't work myself up too much about running my fastest race ever and training for hours on end. Now that I have a baby, that's definitely not going to happen. Additionally, I like to eat and will not run with people that fall victim to the female athlete's triad. I find these women suck the fun out of all running.

I have had three great running partners in my life.

1. "A" was my first. We met in college..we both dropped out of the same sorority and were inseparable my senior year. At that point in time, I had never run with anyone else...and was hardly consistent in my running. A and I went on a run for kicks...and found that we were both the same pace and had the same goal: to get out there and be active and laugh and talk. A had a seizure during one of our runs and stopped running for a number of reasons. Around that point in time, I decided to start running some races and started training for my first marathon--the Richmond marathon--on my own shortly after graduating from college.
2. After college, I moved to the Big City and didn't know a soul. Coming off the high of the Richmond marathon (4th place finish for my age group at 3:17), I wanted to find a group of peers to train for more marathons. I started running with the above mentioned group of women that wanted to reach the Olympic trials. For a while, it was great and four of us trained for the Chicago marathon. We were tight as peas in a pod...similar paces, similar attitudes, same distance. It was great...until I got injured after the marathon and they all moved away over the course of a couple of months. I was left alone again and had to take two years laying low while my injury attempted to heal.
3. Then, there was "T," a member of my kickball team that I bashfully approached because she had runner's quads. She and I ran together for a year...and completed the Marine Corps Marathon. Then, I had foot surgery and she moved to Chicago.

For the past nearly three years post foot surgery, I haven't been running with anyone. It took nearly 12 months to return to normal post bunionectomy and then we started to try to get pregnant and I had to reduce my mileage to 20 MPW while going through fertility treatments and then I was pregnant. I promised myself while I was pregnant that I would join a running group after I had Nathan. It's just more fun to run races when you have friends running with you. I'm nervous to get out there again. I just signed up for the Cherry Blossom 10-miler this spring and am starting to look at other races. I don't consider myself a terribly shy person, but the idea of going to one of the local running clubs and trying to meet a new running friend is daunting. So, my plan is to start checking out the three local running groups in January. The closest running group is pretty young....I have tried running with them several times, but everyone already seems to be friends and I know how hard it is to try to join a running "clique." I had many people try to do it to my post-college running clique and we were brutal. We were a four-some and we didn't want anyone new.

6-week update: Went to the midwife today and she said that I am healing up nicely, but would like me to come back in 2 weeks to see how I am doing as things are a bit irritated down there. She suggested that I try cortizone cream to help with the itching. I also went on my longest run this past Monday--8 miles! I hit 36 MPW last week and am hoping for 45-50 this week. The hamstring tendonitis is still bothersome, but stretching and my very own stem machine (I just bought it on-line) are helping.

Coming Home and Growing Up

I decided to spend the past three days at my parents' house. My husband has been away at training all week and we were going to have to come down to my parents' house this weekend anyway as my youngest sister graduates from college tomorrow. My husband is going to take the train down tomorrow.

It is a bit odd to be at the house that I grew up in with my own child. Usually, every time I come home I have a bit of an internal struggle with resisting some adolescent tendencies. Being here with my own son has changed that dynamic. I feel so much older now, but at the same time my youth doesn't seem that long ago.

I always said that part of the reason that I wanted to have children was to grow as an individual and these past five weeks have definitely made me grow. No longer am I (or my running by correlation) the top priority. I am on "Nathan time." This has been hard and part of me cannot wait until this phase in Nathan's life is over and I have a bit more control over my schedule and a lot more sleep. He is still feeding every 2-3 hours every night. At the same time, I want to slow life down and enjoy these precious moments as I know I will never get them back. Nathan has grown out of his premie and even some newborn clothes and no longer fits in my hand. I think I will always have a hard time letting him grow bigger. Sometimes, I lay him on my chest and try to remember what it felt like to have him in my belly.

Just my scrambled thoughts.

Running wise, I am not doing so well. An old injury has come back to haunt me...hamstring tendonitis. I actually think this flare up is more of a result of the large amount of time I have been spending sitting on my butt while nursing Nathan. It has been so awful that some nights I can't sleep, which is pretty amazing given how exhausted I am. I am going to see my physical therapist next Tuesday. We have worked on this injury on and off for the past 8 years. It is chronic at this point and I worry that it will never be resolved. I am still running despite the flare up as I have found that running doesn't make matters any worse and not running doesn't make matters any better. My longest run to date is 7 miles at a 10-13 minute pace. I have been trying to do more ab exercises, but my core continues to be very weak.

First Run!

So, after nearly 8 weeks of not running...I went on my first run today. It was GREAT to be out and active again in the cool fall/winter weather....but I was also a little sad by how out of shape I am. I have come back from numerous injuries that required complete recovery and it is always hard. The worse was recovery from my bunionectomy/hammertoe surgery in 2006....I didn't run for 8 months and one of those months was complete bedrest. In comparison, this recovery should be easier. I ran 3 miles and then walked 3 miles. I went between 10-13 min/mile, which is slow, but I didn't want to push it. Normally, when coming back to running, I walk/run and build myself up to 10 minutes running and then build up slowly to 30 minutes continuous running (which I usually find to be the jumping off point for runs 7+ miles long)...but I was being impatient. I think the biggest difference that I notice is that my abs feel SO weak! I have been meaning to do ab work...but it falls by the wayside everyday to sleep or chores or a crying baby that seems to think that my nipple is the only suitable pacifier. I think I will do 2 days on, 2 day off with running and try to increase my distance .25-.5 mile each run. We'll see how I feel tomorrow.

Oh and I am really struggling to lose the IVF/trying to get pregnant lbs. I actually gained a bit of weight this past 2 weeks. I am addicted to chocolate and other things that aren't good at me. I've never been able to diet. I think I might make myself get on a scale every day to make myself be realistic about what I am eating. Ug. When one wears sweat pants/workout outfits every day, it is easy to get lazy about eating healthfully.

Just the three of us...FINALLY!

So, we have had guests literally EVERY DAY since we have been home from the hospital. While I generally appreciate the extra pair of hands....or pairs of hands....I was really ready to be alone and figuring out this whole parenting thing on my own. This upcoming week it will just be my husband, Nathan, and me. Nathan is breastfeeding entirely. We are trying to figure out sleeping though. I have een co-sleeping with Nathan and breastfeeding him every 2-3 hours in the night. I try to go to bed around 8 or 9 pm and stay in bed until 8 or 9 am the next day. I also try to take a nap if we have a particularly bad night. I am still exhausted, though.

I don't know how people have more than one child. I still haven't been able to fit in all the workouts I would like...I would like to be doing cardio every day and fit in 2 weight sessions and 1 yoga session per week, but I am barely fitting in the cardio for 60 minutes. I think I am ready to start running, too, but am too afraid to start....I don't want to "mess anything up down there." The weather has been awful as well and I still haven't bought a BOB stroller yet (December is almost here!).

If anyone is reading this...how do you fit in workouts with a baby???

Our Breastfeeding Journey

I can't believe I haven't posted in a week! The past week has been a whirlwind. My sisters came in town for the weekend, then we had a series of friends visit, then my mother was here Monday and Tuesday, and I have been on my own for the past two days. Living on 4 hours of sleep has been difficult, but my husband is back at work and can't function without sufficient sleep.

Nathan is doing well. He's up to 6lbs 6 oz and the outfit that we brought him home in is starting to get too small. I can't wait until we can move up to newborn clothes because the 3 premie outfits we have for him are getting old. I refuse to buy any more clothes for him because for the majority of the day he and I are bare-chested getting skin on skin contact. The biggest benefit of having him be big enough to fit into newborn clothes is that I will actually have something to take him outside in that FITS! I went to four different stores (Babies R' Us, Gymboree, Carter's, and Old Navy) trying to find some sort of outerwear for Nathan with no luck. I did find a newborn bear suit...which is freaking adorable.

I am doing better. I was pretty emotional last week and so so tired. I am *finally* exercising...I started to do the elliptical two days ago. I am very anxious to start lifting and practicing yoga again...and run, of course. I haven't had the time. As for running, I want to start walking before I get into jogging, but with the hubby working and the early dark evening (and my hatred of treadmills) I haven't been able to. Plus, the stitches are still healing. It has only been 5 days since I stopped taken pain meds. Also, I still haven't been brave enough to take Nathan out on a walk. We are waiting to buy a Bob stroller next month, so I would have to put him in our Maya sling or Baby Bjorn to take him out. I am too afraid of him getting cold with this freezing weather or waking up hungry to go out. I might try again today after his next feeding. I know I just have to bite the bullet and do it...

Breastfeeding has been getting better and better. Here's what's been going on:
Day 1 & 2: Nathan wouldn't eat. I contacted the lactation consultants at the hospital and they said this was typical of small babies and not to worry about it. One lactation consultant gave me a nipple shield because she said it might be hard for him to latch on to my flat nipples. I tried the nipple guard and could get him to latch on, but knew that he wasn't swallowing. I relayed my concerns to the crappy lactation consultants and they said that he was fine.
Day 3: I booked a consultation with the "Breast Whisperer." She confirmed my concern that he wasn't swallowing and gave me a nipple guard that better fit my nipples. In addition, she put us on the following regimen for days 3-5, while I waited for my milk supply to come in.

• Per feeding: Get Nathan to latch on to nipple shield. Feed for 15 minutes through syringe into nipple shield to get Nathan to associate milk with my breasts and to stimulate my milk production. Then, hand Nathan off to someone else to get him to suck on their finger while siphoning milk into his mouth from a syringe. While this was happening, I was to pump for 20 minutes.

We fed Nathan a combination of formula and collustrum for the first few days while we waited for my milk to come in. Nathan was fed every 3 hours and we would wake him up if necessary. It was VERY difficult to get the little guy to stay awake.

Day 5: My milk finally came in. I would get 1.5 oz total from my two breasts. My lefty would give 1 oz, while my righty would give .5 oz.

Day 6-11: After another visit with the Breast Whisperer, she changed our feeding regimen to the following:

• Per feeding: Get Nathan to latch on to nipple shield. Feed for 15 minutes through syringe into nipple shield to get Nathan to associate milk with my breasts and to stimulate my milk production. Then, hand Nathan off to someone else and feed him a combination of my breast milk and formula until he was full. While this was happening, I was to pump for 20 minutes. Then, during the day, 1 hour after I pumped, I would pump again for 20 minutes to build my milk supply.

By Day 7 we were only feeding Nathan breast milk. This week was EXHAUSTING as I did all of the night feedings by myself. The entire regimen would take 1.5 hours, leaving me 1.5 hour of sleep until I had to start the whole process over again. But, by Day 9, I was producing 2.5-4 oz of milk per pumping. I pretty much stopped doing the double pumping on Day 10 because I had so much milk left over and was so tired. Also, on Day 10 and 11, I got Nathan to latch on and suck from my breast for 30 minutes! Yeah!

Day 12-19: The Breast Whisperer was very impressed with our progress in the past week. Nathan was clearly drinking milk through the nipple guard. During the consultation, she weighed him before and after drinking and he gained .8 oz at each breast! Her new recommendation for our regimen:

• Per feeding: Feed Nathan through the nipple guard for 30 minutes, switching between the two breasts and allowing more time at Lefty, the milk machine. Then, feed Nathan pumped milk through a bottle until he was full. And, pump for 20 minutes. She wants me to have at least 3 oz leftover at the end of the day. I am typically pumping 3oz per feeding and he is only eating 1-2 oz, so we have had plenty of leftover milk.

I really can't wait until I don't have to pump any more and can just whip out the boob when he is hungry! It is so time consuming and makes it difficult to go anywhere.

For those of you not breastfeeding yet or curious, here's some info on inverted or flat nipples. My nipples have definitely drawn out more since breastfeeding and pumping, but it is still too difficult for Nathan to get his mouth around them.

And, re: weight loss...I am trying to lose the 5-8 lbs that I gained while trying to get pregnant/doing IVF as I was at my pre-pregnancy weight last week, but have been too afraid to get on the scale to see how I have been progressing. Hmmm, I should say that "trying" is not even an appropriate term for my eating habits in the past week. I have been eating lots of my moms yummy, but not super healthy foods (chicken pot pie!)...and have been ADDICTED to chocolate chip cookies. I fear that I might have even gained back some of the weight that I had originally lost. I will try to wean myself off the cookies...but there is something about cold weather that just makes me crazy for yummy gooey cookies.

Funny Faces

Nathan makes the BEST faces!

Frustrated

I am trying not to get frustrated by the breastfeeding process and my own healing...but I am. I really thought that I would be able to go on walks by now, but the netherlands still hurt when standing more than 30 minutes. I am wondering if things are not healing correctly and the only "official" guidance my doctor will give me is that they do not recommend exercising for 4-6 weeks after delivery. This is an interminably long time and I am going stir crazy. My breast-feeding/pumping schedule further compounds my frustration.

Because Nathan is so small and I have flat nipples, we have not been able to get him to latch on. I have been working with a lactation consultant dubbed the "Breast Whisperer" for her success in getting babies to breastfeed. Her Rx has been for me to feed Nathan with a syringe through a nipple shield. This takes about 40 minutes. Then, I pump for 20 minutes and, in an hour, I pump again for 15-20 minutes to build my milk supply. My milk came in on Sunday. I can now produce up to 3 oz of milk total when I have at least 3 hours between pumping, but I typically produce between 1.5 and 2 oz. Nathan is being fed breast milk only. In addition, I try to have skin to skin contact with him as much as possible. This has increased my supply tremendously, but leaves me limited in what I can do and where I can go. The Milk Whisperer said that this week is critical for building up my milk supply so I am trying to put forth my best effort.

My mom has been staying with me as my husband went back to work on Monday. I don't know how I could make it through this week without her. She is a cleaning, cooking dirvish. I have been eating so well since she was here. She's made all of her staples...split pea soup, vegetable soup, chicken noodle soup, banana bread, beef stroganoff, chicken marsala, etc. I dread the lack of variety my diet will have once she leaves.

Other than that, I have been trying to enjoy Nathan and establish some sort of routine. I feel myself becoming depressed and grouchy, though. Exercise has always been a mood regulator for me and the only way I made it through the last four weeks of my pregnancy and not running was the knowledge that as soon as I had him, I could start exercising and running again. To not be able to do so is extremely upsetting. I am trying not to get into the "woe is me" mode...but it does seem like this whole pregnancy process has been difficult. Difficulty getting pregnant, growing a healthy size baby, having the baby, breastfeed, etc. I am tired of the struggle. I try to remind myself that these struggles are minor issues...there could have been something really wrong with Nathan, but a cloud of negativity seems to hover over me.

P.S. The only thing going well...I got on the scale and I am back to my pre-pregnancy weight give or take a pound.

Getting the Hang of Things

I had the realization this morning that I am starting "to get the hang of things." In the past two days, Nathan has started to be really vocal about when he wants to eat. Because of all the gear that we have to set up, it takes me five minutes from when he first starts giving me his visual cues (restlessness, rooting) that he needs to eat for me to be ready for him, which usually means he is good and angry when I finally get to feed him. But, I have learned a number of short-cuts and tricks to make the process easier. My biggest revelation today was that I can use a big bib to keep his hands from knocking the nipple shield off.

Other things I am learning:

• Stay calm when the baby is crying. While the noise itself is upsetting, the baby is communicating in the only way he knows. I will serve his needs as soon as I can and he will survive until I get to them. I have to say, though...I am happy to hear him crying. We had to practically dump him in water to get him to wake up the first three days!


• I NEVER thought that I would be a co-sleeper...it's just not safe...I always kind of viewed people that did co-sleeping as weak...but now I understand...it is the BEST feeling in the world! When I was in the hospital the first few days, they told me to give him as much skin contact as possible because he wasn't eating, which translated into me sleeping with him on my chest. I love having him snuggle up under my chin. I should put him in the basinette...but maybe I'll just wait until he has the breastfeeding down....


• My lefty produces TWICE as much milk as the righty?! I only make about 1.5 oz per 20 minute pumping. He needs about 2-3 oz to stay full, so I will have to work on increasing my production. Ironically, my righty has a better nipple for sucking.

I also can't stand for more than 30 minutes before my netherlands start throbbing. I thought that I would be going on walks by now and maybe start exercising, but that doesn't seem possible.

Also...I finally had a successful "bathroom" experience and it wasn't so bad.

Jugs

My milk came in! I look like I had a boob job! These suckers HURT though!

Announcing Nugget!!

Hello!

Nugget was born Wednesday, November 5, 2008 at 7:59 AM at 6 lbs 5oz and 19.5 inches after 30 hours of labor with an Apgar scores of 8 and 9.

This moment--12:21 am--is the FIRST moment that I have had to sit in front of a computer or to myself since I last posted.

The events over the past few days have made the phrase "it takes a village to raise a child" mean more than I could have ever possibly imagined. I would not have been able to make it through this experience without my husband, my family, and some great nurses.

I am torn as to how honest I should be about his birth, but as I am a person that cannot put up a positive front for "maintaining appearances," I won't lie. It was the single most awful, painful, terrible experience of my life. I don't know that I will ever have a baby again after this experience.

*Proceed only beyond this point if you really want the nitty gritty details of a birth that was less than ideal*

After going into labor around 2:30 am on November 4th, I labored at home for a couple of hours and then went in to my midwife's office around 9 to see how far I had progressed. She found me to be only 1 cm dilated and told me to come back to the office at 3pm to see how I had progressed. I labored at home with contractions coming every 3 minutes and lasting 1-2 minutes. On a scale of 1-2 the pain was a 6. We went in to the office at 2 because the contractions were coming so frequently. The midwife did an internal exam and found that I had only dilated to 2 cm. So, I went back home again, called our doula, and labored at home until 7 pm when the contractions were coming every 1-2 minute and VERY painful. I labored at home in the shower for a while. The doula thought that I should be at least 5 cm dilated. The midwife found me to be only 3 cm dilated at 7pm after 17.5 hours of laboring. So, I labored at the hospital until 12:30 am and got another internal exam and was only 4 cm dilated. At this point, I had been laboring for 20 hours and was exhausted. The contractions were so painful that the only position that I could stand was to be on my knees lying over a birthing ball or standing. My legs were so exhausted that they quaked. The midwife, concerned about my ability to continue, put me on Nubain, a drug that was supposed to allow me to sleep and would hopefully allow me to rest for two hours. Unfortunately, Nubain just made me feel disoriented, but I still had the painful cramps and did not rest at all. After the Nubain wore off at 2:30 am, I had been in labor for 24 hours and had only progressed 5 cm. At that point, I was exhausted and unable to conceive of going through 5 more cm PLUS labor and so we decided to get an epidural. I felt like a total failure and a wimp and really beat myself up for the first day after I had him for not being able to do it naturally, but I knew that there is no way I could have done it. From 2:30 am to 5:30 am on the epidural, I progressed the final 5 cm. At 5:30 am, I started pushing. Nathan Kian was born 2.5 hours later at 7:59 am. It was the longest 2.5 hours of my life. It was 100x worse than the pain of running a marathon and much worse than the pain of contractions. I ended up having to get an episiotomy and have level 3 rectal tears. After giving birth, they laid the baby on me, but I was in too much pain and shock to even notice him. I was screaming "no more pain" and telling the doctor not to "touch a damn thing" until they got me on more pain meds. They had to wait 20 minutes for an anesthesiologist to come administer more drugs before I let them stich me up. It was an awful way to greet my son into the world. I couldn't even stand having him lying on me. I told them to take him away. After they gave me more pain meds and stitched me up, I held him for a bit, but I really didn't get to hold or see him again until 5 hours later after the drugs had worn off.

In the end, Nathan is a happy, healthy baby. No chromosomal problems, just very small. He is in the 5th percentile for his size. He is TOTALLY adorable...in my unbiased opinion. As I have time in the next few days, I will post pictures. They say that holding the baby in your arms takes away all the pain...and it does. The world melts away when I hold him. I could stare at him for hours.

We are having problems breastfeeding because he is so small that his mouth can't latch. So, I am tricking him into think that he is feeding by feeding him through a tube through a nipple guard and while sucking on a finger. I am also pumping my collustrum. Hopefully my milk will come in the next day or two. I have been trying not to feel guilty about "failing" at a natural childbirth and breastfeeding. I went to a great lactation consultant today that told me that I was doing everything perfectly, my breasts were fine, etc., but that Nathan's mouth was just too small and that he is a lazy feeder. She hopes that once I get more food in him he will get better at latching.

The other problem that I am having is that I am severely constipated and have no control of my rectal muscles and can't figure out how to go to the bathroom. My doctor never mentioned that this would be a problem and I just spent the past hour crying on the toilet because I don't know how to get the poop out other than trying to scoop it out with my finger, which is disgusting and I refuse to do. I have been taking stool softeners for the past several days, but apparently it isn't enough. I will call my doctor tomorrow, but if any of you know anyone that might have some suggestions, please let me know.

Future Voter...and could this be it??

So, yesterday and Sunday I have been feeling exhausted. I tried to go to bed at 7 pm last night and my husband teased me....I ended up barely staying awake until 9. Then, I woke up this morning at 2:30 a.m. with some pretty strong contractions that seemed to be different from the Braxton Hicks contractions. They hurt more in my pubic area and my back and crescendo up and down in intensity. I haven't been having them at a very consistent rate...about one every five minutes now. And, when I went to the bathroom around 4, there was just a bit of bloody mucous. I had a lot more bloody mucous around 7 when I took a shower. I called my midwife and I am going to go in around 8 to get checked out. My hubby and I had sex last night so I wonder if that might have brought on the contractions. We'll see if it lasts!

Oh--the best part....my husband and I went to vote this morning and they let me cut to the front of the line because I was having contractions. After I voted they gave me a "I voted" sticker and a "Future voter" sticker! Ha!

Update: went to the dr. and am 1 cm dilated...will come back this afternoon to see how things are progressing. Woohoo! I just took a benedryl and am going to get some sleep!

Baby Nursery Pictures

So, I don't really have a "theme" for the baby's nursery, but I love books and hope that he does too....so I got prints from "Where the Wild Things Are" and "Babar." I particularly love the "Where the Wild Things Are" print...I spent about as much on getting it framed as I spent on the crib! The phrase "Let the Wild Rumpus Start" really captured my heart in terms of how I feel about this pregnancy and having a little baby boy...it will be a wild ride and I am so excited for it to begin.

Waiting waiting waiting

So, I am trying to not be anxious about evicting the little one...but hellooo....I AM READY FOR YOU TO COME OUT!!!

Went to the midwife yesterday and she said the specialist is STILL recommending that I be induced before 40 weeks. While I am ready to meet the little guy, I also want to try to do this naturally and don't want to induce. I don't understand why they would still want to induce if he is out of the IUGR range. I asked my midwife to find out why he would still want to induce and, if so, whether we could wait until week 41. It doesn't seem necessary at this point. We're going to measure him again next Thursday and see if his growth has continued. I guess at that point we'll have a *real* conversation about inducing.

38 Week Pictures

I've grown so much since my 34 week pictures! I got my hair cut yesterday and my stylist said that she could tell that my face was swollen. Guess I will NOT be allowing any more pictures until this baby comes!

Think I am going to be a 41-42 Weeker

I have NO signs of impending labor. Belly is still high. Still got my mucous plug (I think). Braxton Hicks contractions haven't changed. No cramping. I have to say...after hearing about the Chapples and Simmons babies...I want to meet my little guy...but think it will be quite a while before he arrives! I still have about 2-3 days of work I need to do before everything is completely wrapped up at my job and I have a bunch of little things that I could do before the baby comes to get the nursery ready. I think that I am going to go buy some primrose oil and start taking that to see if it will help move things along. I am also scheduled to get a massage on Saturday with a therapist that does acupressure and might see if she has any tricks up her sleeve that she could use to help speed things up.

We met with our doula tonight and went over our birth plan. I vascillate between wanting to be ultra-granola and avoiding any sort of intervention and having my "safety instinct" kick in and am willing to do whatever the doctors tell me is best for my baby. I have to admit, though, that I am a little excited to see how my labor goes....it is such an unknown. And, it is so exciting to think that I might get to have the labor that we wanted rather than a c-section or getting induced. We'll see!

Tyger's Big Adventure

Someone found our dog and returned him today!!

The park we lost Tyger in is part of a 20 mile long series of parks next to a huge reservoir. Hubby and I lost Tyger at mile 3 and mostly searched for him between miles 3 and 5. The wonderful human beings that found him said they picked him up at mile 18!! They lived across the reservoir and heard him howling all night long and came over in their boat the next morning to see if they could find him. He was just sitting in a pile of leaves looking sad and crying. They took him back to their house...which was a HUGE beautiful stone house with 14 foot ceilings and hard wood floors...fed him and started to call the local animal shelters to see if anyone had reported him missing. But, the animal shelters were all closed on Sunday and Monday, so they decided to make a flyer and hang them up at the park. They made this beautiful flyer and described Tyger as a "very sweet, male, Brendel," which just about sums Tyger up (other than his neurotic tail chasing). The wife was about to hang the poster in the park where they found Tyger, when she noticed one of the signs that we posted and called us! We are so lucky that such wonderful people exist in this world!! After we got back on Sunday not having found Tyger, we figured that he was gone forever and spent the day reminiscing about how sweet he was and his cute little habits. I kept finding his toys all over the house that he would lovingly tote around with him. He has been EXHAUSTED since he has been back....which is not typical for him. We had to bring his food to him in bed for the first two days because he was too tired to get up. He's getting back to normal now and so are we. Whenever he starts his highly annoying tail-chasing that makes me want to scream, I try to remember how sad I felt when I thought we had lost him. His "older brother" Roscoe seemed unphased by the whole ordeal...and...if I am honest...was a little happy not to have his high-energy little brother pestering him to play all the time!

Lost Dog

Today my hubby and I went on a walk to celebrate the baby's successful growth and to enjoy a little bit of the fall before we hunker down when the baby comes. We took the "lads" (aka, our dogs Roscoe and Tyger) to a local state park about 45 minutes away. We planned on doing a 6 mile hike/walk. Three miles into the hike we were all alone and decided to let the dogs off their leashes to walk for a bit. We've done it many times before and they always stick by us. Today proved to be an awful exception. Our dog Tyger, a whippet/pit-bull mix that we adopted in February 2007, caught wind of a deer and took off running. We called and called him and tried to chase after him, but he took off and never looked back. We spent five hours calling his name and scouring the park. It ended up pouring down rain, our voices were hoarse, and we hadn't eaten in seven hours so we decided to leave. It was horrible. We are going to go back tomorrow with flyers and post them everywhere. The park wasn't in the middle of the wilderness so I hope that he finds a nice person to let him in their home and feed him some grub. He's a skinny little thing, so I hate to think of him all alone in the rain right now.

My Little Porker!

We got good news today!! The baby grew leaps and bounds in the past two weeks and went from the 5th percentile to the 17th percentile, which is out of the IUGR range! Yeah! They want to keep monitoring me twice weekly until he comes, but he weighs approximately 5lbs 15oz and they are no longer talking about inducing or c-sections. Woohoo! My 3lb weight gain in the past two weeks has resulted in his 1lb 10oz weight gain, so I guess I'll keep packing it on in the last two weeks!

Of course, my first question to my husband when we left was...do you think this means I can start running again? I was half kidding because whatever I am doing...be it not running, eating a LOT of meat/food/protein, etc. is helping...but part of me really misses running. Maybe I'll try a little walk/jog tomorrow to see how it feels....I think my hubby would flip though...

In celebration, we got pumpkin ice cream. Yummy!!

Ode to My Husband

Today, on the eve of his 35th birthday, I wanted to write a blog about my husband.....and some of the many, many reasons that I love him and think that he is an amazing man:

1. He ALWAYS stops to smell the roses. Literally. We'll be walking down the road and we'll pass some pretty rose bushes in someone's yard and he'll stop and smell a couple of them. Me? I'm focusing on "accomplishing" the walk and barely notice the roses. He always stops to make me smell them. As cheesy as it seems, it is a reminder that there are beautiful things all around us and that we should appreciate them and a reflection of his attitude toward life...that it is precious and finite and no amount of time should be wasted in getting wrapped up about the "small" things.

2. He is a walking encyclopedia and remembers absolutely everything he ever reads. He'll tell me about some obscure historical figure that he learned about in fifth grade that I barely remember, like....John Cabot (he discovered Newfoundland BTW). He is obsessed with the history chanel and animal planet. He's your go-to man in Trivial Pursuit. I will only play if I can be on his team.

3. He can solve just about any problem with an excel spreadsheet. When we first found out about IUGR, I cried and called all my friends. My husband's response was to do research in medical journals to calculate the percent chance that our nuchal fold test had been a false negative or did not detect chromosomal problems and that our baby would have down's given the amniotic fluid level, etc. When buying my engagement ring, he downloaded data from Blue Nile re: the 5 c's and cost of diamonds and ran a regression to see which "c" had the biggest impact on the cost of the diamond (cut followed by color). Then, he bought the biggest, nicest ring that he could afford with the best cut and color. I still get compliments on how it sparkles.

4. He is the biggest cuddler I have ever met. Deep in sleep in the middle of the night if I somehow get disconnected from him, he will find me and envelop me in his arms. He loves to be entangled.

5. He is a natural nurturer...even though he thinks that he is a hard @ss, he loves to see his employees, co-workers, friends, family, neighbors thrive and grow personally and professionally.

6. All of our neighbors know my husband because he is constantly working in the yard, volunteering to help in neighborhood projects, talking to people, and generally being a sociable guy. I tend to be doing my own thing, running, working inside the house, in general less social than him. He has made our house into a home and our neighbors into extended family.

7. He wants to learn all about birds and plants so that he can teach his children their names. He will spend hours looking up plants or staring at the birds that come to our birdfeeder. He spent two years trying to attract Gold Finches and Cardinals to our yard. We now have several that have made their home in our bushes.

8. He has taken care of me during IVF and this pregnancy in a way I thought no-one ever would. He brings me water in the middle of the night when I am thirsty. He cooks me dinner and tries to keep the house clean because he knows it makes me happy (by inclination, my husband is a VERY VERY dirty man). Earlier this week, I was working late and came home grumpy....only to find that he had straightened the house, turned on calming music that I love, had candles burning in every room, and had made me a delicious london broil dinner. Is this man too good to be true? Also, over the past two months, when I have freaked out about having the baby and all that we have to do to get ready for the baby, he has helped to calm me down and write out "to do" lists and commited to doing things on the list by set dates. In the past few weeks, he has: re-grouted the kitchen tile, painted and organized our medicine "closet," installed the new china cabinet in the dining room and painted it, fixed the back step, installed a new light in the kitchen, painted the kitchen, organized the "man room" in the basement, fixed my computer, researched a new camera, and finalized all the details with our new life insurance policy.

9. He is so excited to be a father. He talks to the baby every night and kisses my belly and tells our son that he loves him and he can't wait to meet him.

10. He constantly tells me how beautiful he thinks I am...particularly right now when I am 9+ months pregnant and how he will be a little sad when I am not pregnant because it is such a special time.

In addition, I think he's pretty cute:>

Boobies

I went to a breastfeeding class today. There were about 20 pregnant women packed in a 15x20 foot room. It was insanely hot with so many burgeoning bellies in such a small circumference! The class was reassuring more than anything else. After all my reading and conversations with other mothers, I feel slightly prepared that I know *something* about nursing.

After the class, about 6 of us stayed to get measured for nursing bras and our nipples checked out. For the record, I am a very bashful person "in the locker room" so to speak. I don't change in front of my sisters or my friends....even my oldest friends that know everything about me will never see me prancing around in my underwear. When changing at the gym, I face the locker and do all the middle school tricks so that no-one really sees you changing. So, when the instructor first said that we would all be fitted for bras in the SAME room and then look at each others nipples, my first reaction was "hell no." But, then I figured that I would never see these women again and that I really needed to get fitted for a bra and I didn't have that much time left, so I needed to suck it up. So, I stayed. Turns out, at the PEAK of my pregnancy, I am a whopping 34 B. Wow. Most of the other women were whipping out the D's. Oh well, I guess I won't have saggy breasts? Also, I was worried that I had flat or inverted nipples as I've always likened my nipples to 12 year old adolescents. I don't have the "porn star" nipples that stick out. The lactation consultant said that my nipples were fine and that the baby would pull them out and even commented on my nice, numerous Montgomery's tubercles. It was hilarious to me to see so many pregnant women walking around with their bellies sticking out and staring at each other's nipples, but also pretty neat. We were all about to join the oldest sorority in the world....the mom club!

As for staying mentally sane while waiting to find out about the baby on the 23rd, I am in a much better place now. I had a monitoring session on Monday and the baby showed good fetal movement, blood flow, heart rate, and was even "practice breathing." I go in tomorrow for more monitoring and actually get to talk to my OBGyn for the first time in person since I got the IUGR diagnosis. At this point, I am taking the attitude that I cannot worry about the baby until he comes as there is nothing that I can do at this point if there is something wrong with him. I have always been a worry wart that focuses on the worst case scenario (so as to be prepared) and I am slowly learning...through IVF and pregnancy...that I don't control anything by worrying and that the best that I can do is to try and be positive about the situation and have faith in my strength. No one gets through life without suffering, so you have to learn how to live through it. As much as I believe this to be a truth, I also believe that you have to choose to be happy and choose to find the things about living that make it worthwhile. OK...enough from me....

How to Survive

Read a quote today about how prisoners of war survived mentally: "If you kept your mind occupied, you were going to be okay." Not that my situation is at all like that of a prisoner of war, but I am trapped in my own mind right now....

My goal for today. Keeping occupied with things NOT baby.

The Two Week Wait

I have done the two week wait many many times in the past two years, waiting for pregnancy test results. This wait, however, has got to be the longest and the worst two weeks of my life. I am pretty much crying all day. I try to distract myself with work and chores around the house and spending time with friends, but the past four days have been very rough. I can't sleep at night and it is all that I can do not to curl up in the fetal position and be defeated. There is baby stuff everywhere and it breaks my heart. I have been surrounding myself with my closest friends who will make me laugh and let me cry and feel blessed to have such a wonderful support network. My husband has been amazing in dealing with me, too. I know that we are strong enough to handle whatever happens, but sometimes I get tired of the struggle and tired of the pain. We go in for our first monitoring session tomorrow. I hope the doctor can give us some answers about the chance that this baby has a chromosomal problem. At this point, amnio doesn't really make sense, but I think it might be helpful for us to know what we are facing.

Things could be very very bad.....

Well, I did my on-line research and things could be very very bad. I spent most of yesterday crying.

Intrauterine growth retardation (IUGR) also known as intrauterine growth restriction or small for gestational age (SGA) occurs when the fetus is less than 10 percent of predicted fetal weight for gestational age.

There are two types of IUGR.
Symmetric--head and stomach are both behind. Indicates a chromosomal problem, like Down's or Trisomy 21. (this is what I have)
Asymmetric--head is larger than stomach. Indicates maternal causes such as chronic hypertension or placental problems.

There is a possibility that the baby is just "constitutionally small," i.e., just a smaller baby and that there is nothing wrong with the baby. But, my baby is *really* small....less than 10th percentile.

I talked to my doctor yesterday about the possible causes. I asked whether I was doing something. Was I gaining enough? Was my running a factor? She said that maternal factors haven't been linked with symmetric IUGR, but that just to be on the safe side that I should cut out the running and start drinking an ensure every day and try to make sure that I am getting more protein. I haven't been eating much protein because of my nausea. My diet is mostly bread, cereal, fruit, hummus/veggie sandwiches, cheese, peanut butter, and chicken for dinner. But, my general impression was that these changes would only be to make me feel as if I was doing something. Regardless, I am going to cut out running until my next ultrasound on 10/23 and see if that helps him grow.

I am most concerned about the chromosomal abnormalities. We had the nuchal translucency screening and genetic testing at 11 weeks and that showed nothing. The baby isn't showing any other factors typically associated with trisomy 21, etc. and I don't have any family history. The doctor said that she wished she could tell me this wasn't a possibility but she couldn't.

I am pretty devastated. After all that we went through to have this baby, I am heart-broken to think that there is something wrong with him. I can't imagine life with a Down's baby. I dreamed of how my baby would be so smart...a little bookworm like his father and me. I don't know how I am going to make it to the 23rd to see if he is growing. I barely slept at all last night.

Intrauterine Growth Restriction

So, I went in for my level 2 sonogram to find out why I was measuring small and to see if the baby is OK. The baby is measuring nearly 3 weeks behind and the doctor was concerned that the head and the stomach in particular were measuring behind. They said the baby's heartrate, placenta flow, blood flow, activity level, heart, brain, and digestive system development all looked normal. The doctor wants me to come in for twice weekly monitoring to check out the baby's blood flow, heart rate, etc. and that they would have me come in for another ultrasound on 10/23 to see how the baby was growing. The doctor said that if the baby hadn't shown growth progress by the 10/23 ultrasound that they would want to start the conversation about having the baby early (i.e., c-section). However, if the baby has shown progress, then we would just continue to monitor the baby and would likely want to induce me during my 39th week because they wouldn't want the baby to be in there past 40 weeks because the placenta begins to disintegrate and the baby is already behind in its growth. I just hope that there isn't something chromosomally wrong with the baby. I noticed on my insurance form that they listed my condition as intrauterine growth restriction so I have to go research that more....

Week 35 Running Stats and Baby Shower!

Pictures from the Baby Shower...

I never would have thought that I would be running this much so late in my pregnancy! I haven't had time for weights or yoga, but am hoping to pick it up again next week. I kind of feel defeated about it at this point in time and would rather spend my spare time in the evenings doing stuff to get ready for the baby or hanging out with my friends. I really haven't been doing weights regularly since June and cannot believe how much muscle I have lost in my arms. They are skinny little sticks again! Part of me just figures that I will pick it up again after the baby comes, but I really shouldn't let myself get lazy.

Week 35 Running Stats
Monday, September 29, 2008: 8.5 miles
Tuesday, September 30, 2008: 7 miles
Wednesday, October 1, 2008: 7 miles
Thursday, October 2, 2008: 8.5 miles
Friday, October 3, 2008: 8.5 miles
Saturday, October 4, 2008: 7 miles
Sunday, October 5, 2008: 7.5 miles
Total Mileage: 54 miles

I had my baby shower yesterday...I have such mixed emotions about the shower. I had built it up in my head for so long because I had attended so many baby showers and had wondered if I ever would have the opportunity to have my own baby shower. First and foremost, I felt so spoiled and overwhelmed by the generosity of the people in my life. My sister and sister-in-law, who threw the shower, were so thoughtful. The theme of the shower was "Let the Wild Rumpus Start," stolen from the book "Where the Wild Things Are." My sister found invitations with the "Where the Wild Things Are" theme and bought party favors along the same vein. My sister-in-law made this AMAZING cake that had a boat and monsters on it. I cannot believe how much baby stuff we got and feel so incommunicably grateful. I opened presents for an hour and a half, which I have to admit was painful. I hate excess, so the idea of 12 baby blankets, over 30 baby outfits, 6 sleep sacks, 4 towels etc. just feels glutenous. I also felt so guilty being the center of attention and couldn't stop thinking about how everyone there was probably bored to tears. In addition, I was a little overwhelmed by the number of people at the shower. I had my relatives, my husband's relatives, AND my friends. It was a bit too much. Over 30 people in my tiny house! For all the ladies thinking about having baby showers, I would highly recommend smaller showers so that you get to spend time with the people at the shower. After the shower was over and everyone went home, I cried. I felt like I hadn't gotten to spend enough quality time with anyone and was disgusted by the excessive amount of things that we had gotten and mad at myself for being upset about the shower that I had wanted for so long and that people had been so thoughtful to plan and attend. I am still trying to make peace with myself about the shower.

Measuring Small

So, went for my biweekly appointment today. I asked to be measured again because folks keep telling me I am small. The doctor measured me at 30 cm...which is what I measured at 32 weeks. She said that I should be measuring 32-36, but that perhaps the baby's position was causing me to measure small and that the measurement is just a rough estimate. She's having me go for a sonogram next week to make sure he's growing on target. I am definitely bigger than I was at 30 weeks, so am not sure why I measured small. I hope everything is OK!

Week 34 Day 1 Pregnancy Pictures--He's growing!

Note to Self: Avoid On-line Forums

I spent a LOT of time on forums when I was struggling with infertility and going through my IUI and IVF cycles. I *thought* I had learned my lesson...I tend to get obsessed about the horror stories I would read of women that tried 3-4-more cycles of IVF that didn't work. I didn't need to have that negative energy in my mind. So, in general, I have tried to avoid any sort of on-line forum that might expose any of the million of things that can go wrong with your pregnancy. I couldn't sleep (um, again) last night and decided to check out an on-line forum. Bad, bad, bad idea. This forum had a section for women that delivered their babies early. One woman said that she noticed her baby wasn't moving as much and found out that the baby had been strangled to death by its umbilical cord at 33 weeks. It broke my heart and I have been obsessively noticing all of the baby's movements. I woke myself up thinking about this and have had 2 glasses of OJ in attempt to get him to wriggle around. Ug. I should NEVER go to those sites!!

Week 34 Running Stats

So, I did pretty well this week considering I was gone all week for work in San Francisco, which involves REALLY long work days and two days of traveling 10+ hours.

Week 34 Running Stats
Monday, September 22, 2008: Elliptical 60 minutes
Tuesday, September 23, 2008: Run 7 miles
Wednesday, September 24, 2008: Run 7 miles
Thursday, September 25, 2008: Run 6 miles, Walk 3 miles
Friday, September 26, 2008: Run 7 miles
Saturday, September 27, 2008: Run 7 miles
Sunday, September 28, 2008: Run 7 miles
Total Mileage: 41 miles

I am feeling pretty great when I run these days. Only a couple of times where I have to stop because of round ligament pain or a BH contraction is too strong to continue. Otherwise, the foot and calf pain that I felt through my 2nd trimester haven't really been bothering me. I feel a lot faster running back home than I did in SF. All those hills wore me out! I have long been wondering whether people would heckle me when I ran, as I have had several friends that have said that people said things like "that can't be good for the baby" or "shaken baby syndrome," etc. Well, running in SF, I got my first comment: "good for you for keepin' that baby healthy!" I love the West Coast:> In addition, the food there ROCKS! I think that I might finally be over some of this nausea. I have been craving fresh vegetables again (woohoo!). Hubby and I went to our Community Supported Agriculture (CSA) farm this weekend and picked some fresh green beans and tomatoes and made an awesome dinner tonight with them.

I also went to my last hypno-birthing class this weekend. Hubby and I finally decided after a LONG LONG debate that we would get a doula. With only 6 weeks until EDD, I am not sure that we will be able to find anyone. For a long time, hubby didn't want to get a doula because he was worried that he wouldn't have a role in the birthing process, given that we would have a midwife and nurses. I have been telling him that the doula wouldn't negate his role, but would help to be a better advocate for us in getting the type of birth that we want and would teach us different techniques to ensure that we were doing all that we can to birth the baby naturally. I met some doulas while in a baby store in Berkeley and we had a long conversation about husband's reticence to work with a doula, the usefulness of a doula, and the limitations of hypnobirthing. I have been meaning to write a post about hypnobirthing, but have been pretty busy with work, non-profit stuff, and getting ready for baby. I will in the next few weeks...

Week 33 Running Stats

Swamped at work still......am actually on travel this week. We'll see if I get in many miles...

Monday, September 15, 2008 7 miles
Tuesday, September 16, 2008 7 miles
Wednesday, September 17, 2008 7 miles, Body Pump
Thursday, September 18, 2008 7 miles
Friday, September 19, 2008 7 miles
Saturday, September 20, 2008 Prenatal Yoga, 60 minutes elliptical
Sunday, September, 21, 2008 7 miles
Total Mileage: 42 miles

Week 32 Running Stats

Well...I only have time for running stats tonight...

Week 32 Running Stats
Monday, September 8, 2008: 7 miles
Tuesday, September 9, 2008: 7 miles, Body Flow class
Wednesday, September 10, 2008: 8.5 miles
Thursday, September 11, 2008: 60 minutes elliptical, Body Pump class
Friday, September 12, 2008: 8.5 miles
Saturday, September 13, 2008: 7 miles
Sunday, September 14, 2008: 8 miles
Total Mileage: 46 miles + cross training

A pretty good week running wise! I had hoped to get in more weights...but work and non-profit stuff got in the way. Maybe this week? My body has been feeling pretty good and the belly is definitely getting bigger! I have also had 2 calve cramps. My gosh. They HURT! Anyone else getting these? I've never had them before!

Hypnobirthing, Week 31, and More

So, this will be a quick post....

Swamped at work again and trying to get too much done. Who has time to get ready for baby?

Week 31 Running Stats
Monday, September 1, 2008: 8.5 miles and 10 mile bike ride
Tuesday, September 2, 2008: 7 miles
Wednesday, September 3, 2008: 8.5 miles
Thursday, September 4, 2008: 10 hours flying to and from a conference to make one hour presentation...probably a good rest because I woke up with a HORRIBLE knot in my back that kept me from standing up straight
Friday, September 5, 2008: 8.5 miles
Saturday, September 6, 2008: 60 minutes elliptical
Sunday, September 7, 2008: ~2 mile run before my back went out, 2 mile hobble home
Total Mileage: 34 miles + cross training

I don't know what was going on with my back this week. I had horrible back pains....got hubby to give me a massage on Sunday and I think that got rid of it. I also started wearing the Gabriella support brace that I bought a while back and it seems to help. I went to my mid-wife yesterday...asked her about my size since people keep telling me that I look small. She says I'm measuring 30 cm, which is right on target. She also said I gained a good amount of weight in the past month (I didn't ask how much) and that the baby was in the head down position.

I also started my hypno-birthing class (again) this past week. Hubby and I actually took a class back in May, but dropped out because the teacher was AWFUL! We (I) love the new teacher. She's also a doula and yoga instructor with a lot of birth experience. I need to start doing kegels and my relaxation CD each night...but never seem to find the time. Guess I should be doing that rather than posting on here!

To all the 3rd trimester ladies...hope the aches and pains stay at bay!

Pregnancy Photos

I wasn't going to post any of these because I want the blog to be anonymous, but I don't think anyone has found me, so....the above two pictures are of me bright and early this AM at 30 weeks and 1 day. I think (in my head) that I look huge and then see these pictures and think I don't look very big at all! My boobs look bigger though! Yeah!

Weeks 29 and 30

This was my view during my morning jog along the coast....

Well, got back from Maine last night and am a mixture of happy to be back to my life and able to work on my "checklist" again and sad to leave a slower pace.

Week 29 Running Stats
Monday, August 18, 2008: 8.5 miles
Tuesday, August 19, 2008: 7 miles
Wednesday, August 20, 2008: 75 min elliptical
Thursday, August 21, 2008: 8.5 miles
Friday, August 22, 2008: 7 miles
Saturday, August 23, 2008: 6 miles run, 3 mile hike up Mt. Megunticook
Sunday, August 24, 2008: 6 miles run, 2 hours kayaking in Boothbay Harbor
Total Mileage: 43 miles + cross training

Week 30 Running Stats
Monday, August 25, 2008: Nada, rest and relaxation
Tuesday, August 26, 2008: Biked 30+ miles and hiked/walked 7-10ish
Wednesday, August 27, 2008: Hiked/walked 7-10ish
Thursday, August 28, 2008: 8.5 miles
Friday, August 29, 2008: 7 miles
Saturday, August 30, 2008: 8.5 miles
Sunday, August 31, 2008: 8.5 miles
Total Mileage: 32.5 miles + cross training

We did some awesome hikes in Acadia while we were in Maine. My favorite was South Bubble overlooking the Jordan Pond...where we of course refreshed with popovers and lemonaide after we finished! There was a bit of a scramble to the top.....but it was worth the view!

VACATION!!!

So, I leave for my annual vacation in Maine TOMORROW. I love it there. I treasure my mornings runs in the mist along the coast and the quiet, rhythmic bleat of the fog horn in the distance. My family rents a house right on the water in Boothbay Harbor. We spend our days sailing, hiking, reading books, and shopping. Our evenings are marathon sessions of games and wine with fresh lobster, corn on the cob, and icecream with real chocolate jimmies.

This time last year on vacation in Maine my hubby and I were in the exuberant throes of the first three months of really "trying" to get pregnant. On the drive up to Boothbay from Portland, I started to feel really really sick to my stomach....I was secretly hoping that it was morning sickness (I was on CD 33 with no period in sight) and that I was pregnant. 24 hours later after staying up all night with massive stomach pains and diarrhea I knew that I was NOT pregnant. I ended up being sick the ENTIRE vacation. I couldn't eat lobster, drink wine, eat the best ice cream EVER, and--even worse--I had to face yet another failed attempt to get pregnant. I was sick for an entire month...going to several doctors and specialists to figure out what was wrong with me and ending up with a diagnosis of "fatty liver" and symptoms that slowly dissipated over time. I personally think that I had some sort of stomach ulcer, but no tests ever confirmed that. Anyway, back when we first started trying, I had hoped that by this time (August 2008) I would have a little 3-6 month old and that I could spend 3 weeks with my family in Maine right before going back to work from maternity leave. One year later and what a different perspective. I thankfully have a little bun in the oven and a much different appreciation for where I am in my life.

A couple of bloggers that I have been reading have been talking about their concern about being a mom and that they were/are concerned that they would/will lose some of their identify or their drive to exercise or their figures after they had a baby. I can definitely identify with this. From age 27-28.5, I spent a lot of time thinking about whether I really wanted to be a mother and lamenting how unfair it was that women have to bear the entire burden of hosting a child for 9+ months, nursing that child, suffering irreparable consequences to their body from both, taking time out from work, and--on top of all that--typically carrying the majority of the child-rearing responsibilities. I wasn't sure that I was ready to give up my freedom or my "figure" or my running or make sacrifices in my career. I decided to take the plunge regardless only to find out that it actually was not a given that my husband and I could have children. And, my world shifted.

After dealing with infertility, I better appreciate the gift of having children and being a parent to any child, especially one who shares genes in common with me and my partner. By having to make sacrifices to have the possibility of children...having to gain weight, restricting the activities that I loved (running and training), taking hormones, having to undergo painful surgeries, learning to give myself (dreaded) shots, and doing all of this alone (in the sense that no one but me could go through this for my husband and I to have children), I came to realize how much I wanted to be a mother. And, that life isn't fair. And, that sacrifices don't make you less of who you are, but a better and more textured person. Three and a half years after I really started to think about having children, I think that I am in a much better place to have them. I know that it will be difficult and that the baby's priorities will sometimes trump my own. All I have to do is think about the months that I spent mourning the loss of my biological child who had my eyes and his nose to remember how much I value this amazing baby in my belly...making me sick all day and poking my bladder:>

Juggling

So...in addition to my full time job...I am the president a small non-profit association, which takes anywhere from 5-30 hours a week. In general, I love it. It is a great creative outlet outside of work and I am really dedicated to the mission. I also think it will be a great thing to have on my resume and hope that it will open up opportunities for me down the road. I signed up to be the president for another year because (a) there really wasn't anyone to take my place; (b) I wanted to reassure our sponsors that we would have continuity in leadership, and (c) I wanted to set a 2 year precident for presidents. Lately, though, I have been regretting the decision and feeling completely inadequate in completing the work needed for my job, fulfilling my position as president, getting prepared for the life growing in my belly, and keeping up my exercise regimen. In the past two months, I've had to lower my standards for the non-profit, drop my exercise regimen, and pretty much done nothing to get ready for the baby in order to meet minimum requirements at work. The job that pays does play the trump card!

I hate feeling like I am not doing my best on all fronts. I was talking to a girlfriend at work about it today (who is a mom) and she said that's what it feels like to be a working mom and that you just learn to lower your standards. For all you ladies that are going to be working moms, do you think this is true? Do you think that while working and being a mom we will constantly feel like we are falling down on the job somewhere? Oi. What an adjustment.

In the meantime, I'm still awake at 11:30 at night....trying to get it all done...and still failing:<

Week 28 Running Stats

Monday, August 11, 2008: 6.5 mile run
Tuesday, August 12, 2008: 75 min elliptical, 1 hour Body Pump class in evening
Wednesday, August 13, 2008: 7 mile run
Thursday, August 14, 2008: 7 mile run, 2 mile walk with dogs in evening
Friday, August 15, 2008: 8.5 mile run, 1 hour Body Pump class in evening
Saturday, August 16, 2008: 4 mile run 3 mile walk (very upset tummy!), spent most of day laying down because of upset tummy :<
Sunday, August 17, 2008: 3 mile run 4 mile walk (still very upset tummy!), 45 min elliptical
Total Mileage: 35 miles + crosstraining

So, since Saturday morning I have had pretty severe stomach cramping and both of my runs have sucked! At the start of my runs, I would feel fine and then things would get worse and worse and I would have to walk. Today I even got to the point that I actually considered getting my husband to come pick me up because I felt so awful. I don't know if I was just having round ligament pain or gas or braxton hicks contractions or what. I thought maybe I had some mild form of food poisoning because I had a bit of diarrhea yesterday (and also after I got back from my run today). Or maybe I just can't eat much before I go running? Yesterday I had 2 kashi waffles with syrup and a little peanut butter and jelly before my run. Today I had 2 pieces of orange/cranberry/walnut bread with cream cheese and 1 kashi waffle with syrup and butter. If I run tomorrow, I will just have a banana and see if that helps. This is very frustrating because my legs feel like they have plenty of energy, but my tummy is just too upset.

Who wears short shorts?

Not me! My running friends (and friends in general) tease me about the length of my shorts. I typically run in either large women's running shorts or medium men's running shorts. I like them to be about one inch above my knee. I think it's because I am self conscious about the size of my quads/thighs in comparison to my stick skinny calves. Funny that the picture on the blog is my shortest pair of shorts...I guess I didn't have anything else to wear that day! Anyway, at the suggestion of a running friend, I bought a support belt from Fit Maternity (the Gabriella that is mentioned in the Running for Two blog) and, while I was there, I figured that I would buy the running shorts. I love them...and they are NOT long. I actually even ordered them in a SMALL?! My burgeoning belly must be making me want to emphasize the parts of me that are NOT large. I still haven't tried the support belt. I haven't had any more round ligament pain since last Friday, so I haven't felt the need.

Week 27 was NOT that impressive

So--between the doctor telling me not to run and a mini in-law vacation over the weekend, my running stats have officially dropped. I am also starting to feel more tired during my runs, so cutting back isn't a choice but a necessity.

Monday, August 4, 2008: 7 miles
Tuesday, August 5, 2008: 60 minutes elliptical and Body Pump class
Wednesday, August 6, 2008: 80 minutes elliptical and 2 mile walk with wonder dogs
Thursday, August 7, 2008: 7 miles and Body Pump class
Friday, August 8, 2008: 6 miles run and 2.5 miles walk...round ligament pain Yuck!
Saturday, August 9, 2008: 6 miles run
Sunday, August 10, 2008: 6.5 miles run
Total Mileage: 32.5 miles + cross training

Running Again

So....I went to the doctor/midwife practice on Wednesday (yesterday).

The doctor that I saw (first time that I met her; I'm going to call her Dr. Zen) said that my Braxton Hicks contractions were fine as long as I didn't have more than 6 in an hour...which is what I had read and why I was so confused about when they freaked out on me last week?! Dr. Zen said that effacement is a subjective assessment and, hence, why they decided to do the ultrasound to ensure that my cervix was still long and closed (it was). I asked Dr. Zen if the doctor I saw on Friday (Dr. Crusty Old Man) could have incorrectly assessed that I was slightly effaced and she hedged "that could be a possibility." I told her that Dr. Crusty Old Man and the MidWife had said that I had to stop running and asked her whether this was necessary. Dr. Zen didn't see any reason for me to stop running, but said that I should cut back. I have no problem cutting back...I just don't want to stop running unless absolutely, medically necessary.

I am running again! Woohoo!

While running today, I think I felt the illusive "round ligament pain" that I have been hearing about. My tummy has grown so much in the past two to three weeks--particularly in the past several days. I preemptively bought on-line today a support belt to wear when running. I also have started having trouble eating because I feel absolutely stuffed after eating a meal that would typically have left me a little hungry. I guess I need to start eating in smaller increments....although I typically eat at least 7 times in a day (pre-run; post-run; 11 am; lunch; late afternoon; dinner; late evening).

IVF "Active" Mama?

Maybe I should rename my blog?

I'm on day 4 of technically not being allowed to run. I ran 7 miles on Monday. I am a very bad girl. But, I decided to renew my dedication to making sure this is a healthy baby and won't be running tomorrow.

As any good analyst would, I have a list of 21 questions about effacing, braxton hicks contractions, etc. prepared for my doctor's appointment tomorrow. Ever since I have made a dedicated effort to drink more water and have cut back on the running the most Braxton Hicks I have had in an hour is two. I am still having them pretty regularly--about one an hour between 10 am and 7 pm. They haven't been as strong as they were last week, though.

I can't wait to better understand what is happening to my body.

Who to believe?

Well, we had a VERY stressful day last friday. My midwife got me an appointment at 9am to check out the BH contractions...barely enough time to get us to the airport by 10:30am for our 11:44 flight to MN for the wedding, but I figured that we would be fine because BH contractions were normal.

A different doctor that I hadn't met before had to see me because the midwife was busy. He asked me why I was in and I told him that I had been having a couple of contractions an hour a couple of times over the past week and just wanted to get it checked out. He immediately said that we needed to do an internal exam to see if I was in pre-term labor. He said that I was not dilated, but slightly effaced and said that he wanted to send me upstairs immediately to see a specialist to see if my cervix was opening. He also checked out the baby's heartbeat, which was fine. My husband...who was very worried at this point...sarcastically asked if running 50 miles a week could cause pre-term labor and the doctor said it "damn well could" and that I should "stop running if [I] wanted to keep this baby."

Then the doctor asked if I ate this laundry list of food...pizza, chips, canned soup, microwave meals, pretzels, french fries, etc. I was worried for a second when I realized that I didn't eat any of these foods--thinking that I should have been increasing my sodium intake--but he said that I should NOT be eating these foods (and didn't really believe me when I said that I didn't). I asked if other things could cause the BH contractions and he said dehydration and asked if I was drinking 10 8oz glasses of water a day. I told him that I didn't know if I drank that much. I have to be honest...I'm really not sure HOW much I drink. I try to drink 1 glass of water (probably about 6-12 oz) before I leave for my run and then 1 glass of water (probably about 12-18 oz) after I get back, but haven't been so good about this lately. Plus I have one huge 34 oz Sigg that I try to drink 1-2 of each day plus 1 glass (12-18 oz) in the evening.

At this point, the doctor is very testy with me and has already concluded that my running is cause for the contractions. I am confused. I thought that BH contractions were normal and that as long as you didn't have more than 6 in an hour and you didn't have back pain, bloody discharge, change in discharge, swelling, headaches, etc., that you were OK. My husband is also very upset with me at this point and won't talk to me. He said that he had trusted me to listen to my body and that I had been overdoing it and was too addicted to running and that I had dissappointed him. I felt that all this was very unfair given that I had done research on running and exercise and that the doctor was just old and crusty and averse to running during pregnancy.

At 9:50 we frantically ran upstairs to see the specialist (can't remember what type of specialist because it was such a blur). I'm crying at this point because (a) I am upset that maybe I HAVE done something to the baby that we worked so hard to get; (b) my husband is blaming me for doing something to the baby which I feel is unfair as I called the doctor to ask about the BH contractions in the first place and all the research I had done said that they were normal; (c) am worried that we are going to miss our flight to the wedding in MN for which we spent $900 and I am supposed to be in the wedding party; (d) am upset that I might have to give up running again. The specialist checked out my cervix and everything was fine and normal. They sent me back to my midwife to give me a plan of action. My midwife said that we should take this as a scare and that I should stop running. She asked me if I could stop running and...at 10:25...worried about my baby and the morning being a blur of emotions, I said yes.

We made our flight. I was in the wonderful wedding and got to see a bunch of friends from grad school.

But, the whole weekend I was thinking about whether my baby was OK and angry that I am being persecuted yet again for running (by doctors, my husband, my mother). I should add that I updated my mom and she started yelling at me for being a selfish mother and that she told me that I shouldn't be running during my pregnancy. She asked me if my doctor told me to stop running and I lied and told her that the doctor just said I had to cut back on my running (um, how adolescent is it to LIE to one's mother rather than deal with her?). To top off the persecution, on Sunday when I got up to go for a run/walk, CNN had a special on pregnant runners and that women should listen to their doctors about whether they should run. I decided to take that as a sign from God or whomever that I should not be running and did the elliptical on Sunday instead.

I am left with all these questions.

What causes Braxton Hicks contractions?
Can Braxton Hicks contractions cause effacement or was I having REAL contractions?
When do Braxton Hicks contractions become a problem?
When is it normal for Braxton Hicks contractions to start?
If my cervix was long and closed should I be concerned about my Braxton Hicks?
Can other things cause Braxton Hicks contractions--like caffeine, stress, dehydration (all things that I had been experiencing more of while working 13+ hour days to prepare a big project for work)?
Why do I have to completely stop running?
Why are other forms of exercise better than running? I almost feel like I exert myself MORE doing spinning or the elliptical.
Can I just cut back on the running and make sure I hydrate better?

I feel like I am in tune with my body and am not pushing it too hard. I run MUCH slower than I did before (probably 10-12 min miles to my previous 6-8 min miles)and walk several times up hills and whenever necessary during my runs.

I know that I can give up running. I have done it many many times over the past several years. But, I want to do it because I should do it...not because some doctor is scared/uneducated about running.

My Running Stats for Week 26:
Monday, July 28, 2008: 8.5 miles
Tuesday, July 29, 2008: 7 miles
Wednesday, July 30, 2008: 8.5 miles
Thursday, July 31, 2008: 10 miles
Friday, August 1, 2008: 8.5 miles
Saturday, August 2, 2008: Nada except minimal dancing at the wedding
Sunday, August 3, 2008: 60 minutes elliptical
Total Mileage: 42.5 miles