Shh: Running

So, I got tired of being afraid...

And, after our last ultrasound, I finally got enough courage to go for a short, SLOW jog on Friday, Sunday, and Today (Tuesday). I'm not sure how far I'm running: 4-5 miles? I'm not sure how fast I'm running: 10-12 minute pace?

But, I am running. While I am doing it, I have these moments where I wonder how anyone could think that running was bad for pregnancy? I'm barely moving. Seriously, grandma could run faster.

But, then I read about fellow blogger's horrible losses and I wonder if I am being smart.

I ran through my son's pregnancy. He was fine: full term, healthy, and full of energy.

I have a tendency to think that if bad things are going to happen, my running will not be the cause of them.

So, unless my ultrasound goes awry tomorrow, the plan is to continue running every other day until my current run (4-5 miles) feels comfortable. Then, I can up my distance to 6 miles every other day for a week and then I can start running 2 days in a row for 6 miles for a week. And, then...I'll just figure it out. I ran 30-60 miles a week during my pregnancy with my son. I'd hope that I could see that kind of mileage again, but I am not going to plan on it. I'm just going to hope that I can get out there again and run and feel alive and free.

An Anniversary Surprise

Back in February on Valentine's Day, after our 4th failed cycle, we were at the bottom of our cave of doom. That weekend we didn't leave the house. I didn't shower or change my clothes for 3 days. I could barely get off the couch.

One night my husband and I were huddled in bed trying to find hope for the future. We knew we'd be doing another cycle in March or April and decided that if we got positive results on that cycle, we would do something special for our anniversary in May to celebrate rejoining the land of the living.

That weekend, my husband, ever the optimist, in the midst of some of the darkest days of our lives, made reservations at a resort in WV in hopes that we would have something to celebrate.

And, celebrate we did.

This past weekend we went to said WV resort and hiked and swam and slept and ate and ate and ate and cried and laughed and celebrated the fact that our marriage has survived 7 years now through some of the darkest days in our lives.

It was a bittersweet weekend, though, because I also learned that my sister is pregnant with twins…Remember, the one with the EXACT same diagnosis as us (diminished ovarian reserve and low morphology) on her first try ever at getting pregnant. I know that her experience is unrelated to mine, but part of me can't help but feel like her pregnancy is just a middle finger from God, life, whatever telling me that I'm the infertile, unlucky one. Of course, this is ludicrous given that I am actually pregnant. But, I can't have faith in this pregnancy. I keep expecting something to go wrong, the other shoe to drop, because it has before and why should anything be different now. I feel so terribly guilty that I can't be happy or excited for her, but at the same time I am so angry that she got to benefit from my 2.5 years of infertility hell and got her diagnosis 3.5 years earlier than I did because they had more background information and knew what to look for.

In other news, I had another ultrasound today. Baby looks good: measuring 6 weeks, 6 days (right on target). Heartbeat was 138. One more ultrasound at the clinic next week and then…I get to move to my OBGyn. I also go the clear to start running…although my husband is limiting it until we meet with the OBGyn on June 7th.

Houston, we have a heartbeat

We saw the heartbeat today in one beautiful little bean.

Thank god. Commence deep breathing.

And, now the anxiety and waiting starts again until next week.

They tell me that they don't want me to start running again until I am further along in my first trimester...but by the time I was 6 weeks pregnant with my son I was running again. I'm so conflicted about it. I want to be able to run through this pregnancy. I want to be able to run as a sign that I am not afraid anymore, that I have hope for this pregnancy...but I am also so afraid of losing this pregnancy and having my husband and family blame my running if something goes wrong.

Mixed Emotions

One would think the only emotion that I should feel would be unadulterated joy. A soundtrack of Etta James "At Last" should be playing on a continuing loop in my head. I should be walking around with a secret smile, rubbing my belly and whispering "thank you, thank you God."

But, I find that my feelings are so much more complicated than that.

I don't want to be played the fool again. I have had hope on each and every cycle that this WOULD BE IT. I would think about how we could finally move forward with our lives, the trips we would take, the home improvement projects we could finally tackle, the people that I could allow to re-enter our lives, the glory of being able to run again.

I have learned that sometimes life doesn't work out like planned.

Sometimes IVF never works. Hard fought for pregnancies don't have a fetal pole, or a beating heart, or miscarry at 9 weeks or 12 weeks or 22 weeks, or die during childbirth, or are born with trisomies, or have autism.

Bad things happen to good people who don't deserve it.

And, for whatever reason (likely due to the prevalence of baser emotions in my character), I am a person that "bad things" happen to. So, why should I feel joy at being pregnant? It will only be taken away from me.

The most disturbing emotion I feel is intense ANGER. I am so ANGRY that we had to go through all of this to get pregnant. I am ANGRY that other people get to have sex and get pregnant. Sure, it may take a few months and GASP they may even have to do some basal body temperature charting...but they get pregnant, on their own, without needles, without a doctor, without waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of their own sobs because they were grieving while sleeping.

And, then I get angry at myself for not APPRECIATING how lucky I am to have gotten to this point. Why can't I just be happy? Why am I bitter? I am one of the lucky ones that finally got IVF to work.

I wish I could go back to a time when my feelings were so less complicated. I fear I will never be that naive person again and that anger and bitterness will be a shadow throughout my life.

And now we schedule the ultrasound....

Beta #1: 866 (18 days past retrieval)
Beta #2: 1595 (20 days past retrieval)
Beta #3: 3122 (22 days past retrieval)

Ultrasound scheduled for next Wednesday, the 18th.


And, I am EATING ALL THE TIME. I don't remember being this STARVING when I was pregnant with my son.

Still Pregnant

Beta #2 is in: 1595 at 20 days post retrieval.

So, things are progressing.

I looked up my numbers with my son and they were:

1st Beta (17 days post retrieval): 632
2nd Beta (19 days post retrieval): 1139
3rd Beta (21 days post retreival): 2331

Which seems pretty comparable to me.

Am feeling lost im my mix of emotions, which I will write more about later.

Joyful, scared, angry, bitter, guilty, jealous, hopeful.

No Words

Only tears can express my emotions today....

I am pregnant.

My beta was 866 at 18 days post retrieval.

And now another waiting process begins.