Crossroads

I think I'm about to lose my mind. I feel a bit diametrically opposed, two parts in one, and not sure of the direction I am going.

Over the course of one week, I will have:

--had my first homestudy interview
--gone to an adoption agency interview
--gone to an accupuncturist for fertility treatment
--bought Dr. Beer's book "Is Your Body Baby Friendly"
--had a con call with Dr. Corley from SIRM
--driven to NJ for an initial blood work-up at RMA for any genetic issues and SIRM for immune issues
--set up a meeting with Cornell for next week
--set up a meeting with an adoption attorney for the following week

After our first homestudy and the adoption agency meeting, I felt calm, at peace. Going to the adoption agency and learning about all the support they provide in terms of support groups, training, etc., I felt welcomed into a new sub-group. A place where I could belong. A place where others would understand my pain and struggle. A place of healing. We could have a child. While it wouldn't be our biological child, and in some ways we would always be "broken," we would be making a choice to hope for the best, to embrace that our truest heart's desire is to love a child and have a family.

But, at the same time, I reeled at the thought of never carrying another baby. Of being the odd person out at baby showers. The broken one. And, I know that this is my perspective. I won't say that I loved every minute of being pregnant. Labor and afterbirth was hell. But, It had it's amazing moments. To create life. To feel my little man moving in my body. Those were some of the most precious moments in my life. For me to admit and accept that they might never happen again seems too much to bear.

My straight-A student, try harder indignance comes out and I want to fight for my biological child. Do all the research. Try all the tests. Make sure that I exhaust myself completely in this journey for another biological child.

Then I grow weary. Tired of the struggle. Tired of trying to figure out whether the doctors have an agenda, can be trusted, and are doing everything in their power to get me pregnant. I just want a break from it all. From life. From my mother calling every day to remind me "how lucky we are to have Nuggett" and that I shouldn't "mope around" and I "need to get in the spirit of Christmas." (From the woman that got pregnant on her first try with all four children.)