I'm thinking about not taking a pregnancy test and not going in for a blood test. I don't want to know. I'll just wait for my period and if it doesn't come by Sunday (17 days past retrieval)…then I'll go get the bloodtest. I don't want the anxiety of waiting for the results and my period comes regardless of whether I am on the drugs, so why not just live life in oblivion. I don't want to face next steps. I don't want to make decisions about donor eggs or doing another cycle or trying donor sperm. I just want to wait. Because waiting is safe. Because if I wait there is still hope.
Usually, my husband is the glass half full kind of guy. I call him "delusionally positive" in that he is almost irrational in his faith that everything will work out in the end. His faith buoys me up when I am mired in my doubt and depression. In my darkest moments, he reminds me that I have to be positive to give the embryos the best environment possible.
His façade has been cracking this cycle.
We were unloading the dishwasher yesterday, watching Nugget as he "helped" us cook by putting the vegetables for salad in a bowl. My husband looked over at me and sighed, saying he had been sick to his stomach all day at work and was so scared of what was going to happen if this cycle didn't work.
In a total role reversal, I told him that everything would be fine. We would have another child somehow and we would learn to deal with this situation.
But, he said, what if you get depressed again? I don't want to waste any more of our lives on this process, sitting on the couch all weekend, avoiding our friends, with our financial and emotional future in total uncertainty.
We don't have a choice, I told him. We're just going to have to suck it up. Again.
I wish I had something more than hugs.
ReplyDeleteThere's a song I listen to that makes me feel better somehow. It's Guster. The chorus goes:
Hang on, hang on
When all is shattered and all your hope is gone.
Who knows how long -
but there's a twilight, a nighttime and a dawn.
I am hoping your dawn comes soon, and you find a path of peace.
Hugs hon.
xoxo
Ah the old IF inspired role reversal, my DH and I have been there many times. Sending you warm positive thoughts for a BFP. I am turned off to hpt's lately too.
ReplyDeletePS- Thank you for the offer of your baby list, I'd love a copy. (I am being OCD too, lots to research!) You can email it to me jesstutt (at) gmail (dot) com
Many hugs to you!
Man I hate this shit. The only good thing is the strength of your relationship and your little nugget. Whatever happens take faith that you have an amazing team.
ReplyDeletei often feel the same way. i just don't want to know.. i'd rather just not be told by anyone else other than my period.. i really hope you don't have to make any more decisions on donor stuff or not... and stay safe for a long time. you are writing my own words right now :-)
ReplyDeletebig hugs
((HUGS)) I am thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteI hear ya. Several times I wanted to just avoid the whole HPT and beta nonsense. Do what you feel like, is what I say. Maybe just take it day by day and see what you feel like doing that day.
ReplyDeleteMy husband was also Mr. positive too. And weirdly, whenever he did, rarely, get negative, I'd say things just like you did: it will be ok. We'll figure it out. It was almost like I needed him to be negative so I could pull him out. Of course, it never really worked when I was the one being negative and he was trying to pull me out with his positive-ness. I'd just get angrier. Oh well.
Take care and hang in there.
Oh I hate the place you are in....because I remember it all too well. I always just wanted to wait, too, rather than actually know anything concrete.
ReplyDeleteI hope you get the best news ever very very soon!
Just wanted to let you know I'm still reading along and I'm rooting for you. Crossing everything.
ReplyDelete