What Happened

It was more than I could process and it certainly something I didn't feel comfortable processing out loud...particularly in our ALI community.  I didn't want to hurt any one's feelings.  I didn't want to say the terrible things I was thinking.  I was scared.

When we went in for our first ultrasound, there were two sacs.

Two.

After 6 (of our 8 total) cycles of transferring 2-3 embryos....we ended up with two sacs NOW.  We were bereft.  Why couldn't this have happened when we were trying for #1 or #2 when I was 29/31/32?  How on earth would we handle 3 kids under 19 months (or younger if they came early)?  There are so many risks with twins.  What would happen if there was something seriously wrong with them because they were born too early?  How would we afford this?  Where would we put them?  We'd have to move, hire help, get a new car, etc., etc., etc.  I cried for weeks.

And, then....one of them stopped progressing.  We lost her.  I think of the baby as my girl.

I felt relief.  At first.

I refuse to accept the pregnancy.  I assume it won't work out.  And, when we made it to twelve weeks and got the news that the remaining fetus was a healthy boy, I cried.  I've been crying off and on for the past three weeks.  I am trying not to tell people that I am pregnant because this pregnancy is so twinged with pain.  People expect you to be happy, excited when you tell them that you are pregnant.  But, I am just sad.  I feel like we pushed too much.  We should have been thankful for our two beautiful children and now we are going to be punished.  Something bad will happen. We were too greedy.

I am also deeply afraid that I won't be able to give my children the love and attention they deserve.  I wake up in the middle of the night worrying about it.  My parents, though well meaning, are deeply practical people that never paid much attention to my personality or interests.  They were so overwhelmed with managing four children that they just didn't have the emotional bandwidth to really look at me as an individual.  They still don't.  Every year for Christmas, I get the exact same sweater or dish-dryer or vacuum or WHATEVER....because my parents can't be bothered to figure out who I am and what interests me.  I don't fault them for it.  But, I know that isn't the type of parent that I want to be to my children and....I feel so overwhelmed managing work and speech therapy appointments for my son and keeping up with the house and trying to plan special activities for my kids and keeping up with photo albums and doing all the things that my whiny brat self didn't think I got as a kid.  How am I going to manage with three kids?  Will I be able to have a career or anything for myself if my utmost value is to provide my kids with love and specialized attention?

I am sorry I left with out so much as a good bye. It was just more than I could handle.