More Room in My Heart: Back in the Saddle Again

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Back in the Saddle Again

I thought I would cry or sob or something as I sat in the very same ultrasound room where I saw my little babies beating hearts merely five short months ago. The technician looked at me briefly as she came in the room and turned to my chart on the computer. "I've seen you before, haven't I?" she asked. I watched as her shoulders dropped when I told her that, yes, she's seen me, but that my baby was stillborn five weeks ago and I'm getting ready to cycle again. She turned back to me, her face a little crumpled, and she reached for the ultrasound wand. "I'm sorry to see you again for so many reasons," she said and reassured me that she would be gentle with the wand. Only 10 antral follicles, but we know that my range is typically 6 to 18. All my bloodwork came back normal. FSH at 5.6 and E2 less than 20.

I can't believe I'm back at the beginning of this elliptical story that seems never to end.

I'm not sure how much more I can endure, but do know that I can endure this cycle. And, then I will decide again.

Tomorrow I go in for my seventh HSG. Friday I go in for my fourth endometrial biopsy. Hopefully, I will ovulate within a decent range of time and then I will begin estrogen priming and will start IVF#9.

Am I strong?

Am I stubborn?

Am I crazy?

We miss you sweet Mackenzie. I so wish that you would be making Nugget a big brother again in two months. I wish that I was struggling with back aches and heartburn instead of trying to lose the baby weight and figuring out how to pull together the money for another IVF cycle.

3 comments:

cherelliMay 15, 2013 at 1:08 PM
Hmm, yep, I'd say you are strong and stubborn and a little craziness can't hurt right?? "I do know I can endure this cycle"....that's all that counts, one step at a time; my very best wishes to you.
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Catwoman73May 16, 2013 at 2:35 PM
Yes, you are strong. And probably stubborn, too. And we're all a little crazy. Best, BEST wishes to you, sweetie. You deserve a little good luck- I'll be thinking of you... and probably stalking a little bit. :)
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AnonymousMay 16, 2013 at 4:18 PM
I think infertility, IVF and babyloss makes us crazy, if we weren't before.

I'm scared of the wand and the speculum. Months off cycling anyway, but that's how it is in my head.
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Our Infertility Journey

Aug 2013: IVF#10: Antagonist protocol with estrogen priming at Same Big Clinic: 8 eggs, 3 mature, 2 fertilized, 2 3-day 7-cell and 8-cell transferred.

Jun 2013: IVF#9: BFN: Antagonist protocol with estrogen priming at Same Big Clinic: 9 eggs, 5 mature, 4 fertilized, 2 3-day 8-cell transferred.

Apr 2013: My son Mackenzie Ryan died at 22 weeks 1 day due to a degenerative placenta. I delivered him on April 3, 2013. It was the most horrific experience of my life.

Feb 2013: Major car accident likely damaged placenta.

Jan 2013: Our little twin left this world.

Nov 2012: IVF#8: BFP: Antagonist protocol with estrogen priming at Same Big Clinic (Clinic #3): 15 eggs, 10 mature, 9 fertilized, 1 8-cell and 1 7-cell transferred

Sept 2012: IVF#7: BFN: Antagonist protocol at Same Big Clinic (Clinic #3): 5 eggs, 4 mature, 1 fertilized, 1 9-cell transferred

Dec 2011: Hello Baby Girl! No year of "magical thinking" this time. We know no way and no how are we ever going to get knocked up naturally. Begin the weaning process in June. Take Provera in July. Fail. Move on to bcp and *finally* get period in August.

Apr/May 2011: IVF#6: BFP! Antagonist protocol with Estrogen Priming at Big Clinic (Clinic #3): 6 eggs, 4 mature, 2 fertilized, 2 3-day 8-cell and 7-cell transferred.

Mar/Apr 2011: HSG (again) and estrogen priming; Month of my Amazing 18 Antral Follicle Count

Feb/Mar 2011: Natural IUI: BFN: Pretty sure this is going to be negative, but what the heck.

Jan/Feb 2011: IVF#5: BFN: Antagonist protocol at RMA-NJ, (6 eggs, 5 mature, 4 fertilized, 2 day-5 hatching blasts transferred, 1 day-6 blast frozen)

Dec 2010: Meet with multiple doctors (RMA, SIRM-NY, Cornell). Start adoption paperwork. Begin accupuncture.

Nov 2010: IVF #4: BFN (Microdose Lupron Flare Protocol, 8 eggs, 4 mature, 4 fertilized, 1 Day 5 blastocyst & 2 Day 5 morulas transferred, none frozen)

Oct 2010: Treat mild, chronic endometritis (diagnosed in Sept endometrial biopsy).

Sept 2010: Testing. Why no implantation? HSG again (all clear!). Endometrial biopsy (endometritis:<). Diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve (AMH=1.1, FSH=5.7).

Jul/Aug/Sept 2010: IVF #3: BFN (long lupron protocol, 9 eggs, 8 mature, 5 fert, 2 5-day transferred, none frozen)

Jun/Jul 2010: Where is my period??

Apr/May/Jun 2010: FET #2: BFN

Mar 2010: Clomid/HCG/coitis

Feb 2010: Clomid/HCG/coitis

Jan 2010: Provera to bring on period; ovulate instead, HCG trigger, timed intercourse

Dec 2009: Where is my period? 13 months no period since birth of son.

Nov 2009: SA improved! 7% normal morph=normal couple!!

Baby's First Year: Breastfeeding, recovering from awful delivery, running like crazy! My "year of magical thinking" hoping that we get to be one of those "lucky" couples that don't have any problems getting pregnant with #2. No BC. No period. No pregnancy.

Nov 2008: Hello Baby Nugget!!

Jan/Feb/Mar 2008: IVF#1: BFP!! (long stim, 6 eggs, 6 embryos, 2 3-day transferred, 2 5-day frozen)

Nov/Dec 2007: IUI #1: BFN

Oct 30, 2007: Diagnosis: Male factor infertility 2% morphology; ovulatory dsyfunction

Sept/Oct 2007: tests galore

Aug/Sept 2007: 44 day cycle; visit obgyn; referred to RE

April/May 2007: Trip to Machu Picchu for my 29th birthday; officially TTC with charting, etc.

Feb 2007: Stop taking BCP; regular periods; not preventing, but not consciously trying