I haven't updated in a while. I'm 14 weeks pregnant and last night had the lovely pleasure of finally listening to the baby on a Doppler at home on loan from a friend of a friend (thanks!).
I wish I could say that I was happy. There are moments of happiness, but generally I wake up each day feeling sad and angry about the state of my life. I feel like I have been robbed of the life I wanted. I can't seem to get over it. Nothing has worked out like I hoped and planned and prepared for and I see most people around me achieving the goals they set for their lives handily. I'm embarrassed at my failure even though I had not control over our infertility or Mackenzie's death. I wish that instead of spending the past eight years trying to build our family I could have been focusing on my career and traveling and trying to qualify for the Olympics or something bigger than simply having living babies. I know I should be grateful that our journey has been fruitful in that we have our healthy, wonderful children. But, I miss who I was before all this. I miss being ambitious and fit and goal oriented. This girl was beaten out of me. I merely try to make it through my days and be present in the happy moments that I do have.
I spent the majority of this week crying because we're having another boy. I don't know why this was hard for me to process. Part of me wanted Nugget to have another baby brother because he was so excited to be a big brother. But, part of me wanted a girl so that it would be different and, honestly, I always imagined I'd have two girls and a boy.
Though I shouldn't be, I'm surprised how difficult this pregnancy is for me emotionally. I really thought that having another child would diminish the pain of losing one, but unfortunately this is not turning out to be true at all. Having another baby only makes me more keenly aware that another baby is not here. If I had to do it all over again, I'm not sure I would have tried again. I guess that is a better question to ask myself if and when I have this baby.
I am often filled with regret and embarrasment over the lost time- all those years not traveling, not working out, not having a glass of wine, just in case I might be pregnant. And I never did get that prize at the end. Somehow, I have had to make peace with the idea that life doesn't always go according to plan- for any of us. I wish I had some magical advice that would help you get to that place, but all I can say is that it takes LOTS of time. Sending lots of love and hugs... 14 weeks! That's fantastic! I sincerely hope that someday, you will be able to embrace what you have while accepting what you have lost. It will definitely become easier as the children get older, and you're able to capture a little bit of your old self again. Make it a priority, and it will happen. Hugs again...
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry it's so hard.
ReplyDeleteComing back to this post again..
ReplyDeleteYou know what? I've never qualified for the Olympics but I'm going to guess it's not anywhere near as difficult as continue to live when one of your children does not.
There was something on Still Standing recently about gratitude and grief co-existing, did you see it?
Congrats on another wonderful boy. I never cared what sex my babies were, but now it's something I'm thinking about, and it's complicated.
I'm so sorry that it's so hard. So sorry for the loss of your precious son.
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