And.....I'm back. Long hiatus from blogging. Between finishing up my class (which was SO much work, but SO much fun), fitting in all my Christmas shopping/wrapping/decorating/baking/card-making the week before Christmas, dealing with the emotional aspects of the Holidays, two weeks with my son home over Christmas break, etc., etc., I haven't had much space in my head to come here.
The holidays were hard. Actually, anticipation of the holidays were harder than the actual holiday. On actual Christmas day, I was so absorbed in watching and enjoying the kids tear open their presents and go crazy with their cousins that the gravity of the day didn't hit me until the day after Christmas. Once the presents were unwrapped and the stress of doing ALL my Christmas shopping in one week (NEVER AGAIN) was over, I took a good hour and a half to sob and miss my baby boy. I guess I had packed away a "baby's first Christmas" bib last year for baby boy with our Christmas stuff...because at that point I was 8 weeks pregnant with two babies and not knowing what the year would hold. To find it again this Christmas just wrecked me. To be pregnant AGAIN this Christmas was awful. To see my sister's baby born just five days before my little boy was disassociating. Her baby was chubby and round, smiling at everyone. My baby is a bit of matter burned up in an incinerator in the hospital morgue. Not even a freaking grave for my baby boy and his tiny toes.
Today I am 21 weeks and 4 days pregnant. Only 5 more days until I will have reached the length of my pregnancy with Mackenzie: 22 weeks 3 days. I am so pregnant, you guys. An undeniable belly. I finally made myself go out to the shed where my husband had hid all of the baby stuff I had thrown out in a rage and pulled out my maternity clothes. Fucking maternity clothes. I've been wearing jeggings (YOU HAVE to buy a pair of American Eagle jeggings--only $30 and they ROCK!) and big sweaters, but those jeggings are starting to cut off circulation in my belly. It's time to pull on the droopy butt maternity pants (why can't they fit, ever?) that will make my pregnancy unquestionable to all those around me. I'll have to endure strangers excitedly asking me "is this your first" and "when are you due" and all sorts of normal, happy people comments.
I need to find a way to be excited about this baby. I know that is awful to say. I just feel like he'll probably die, too. Because shit happens and it happens to us. I'm pissed to be pregnant. It doesn't make any rational sense to me. I don't want this baby. I want the babies I was supposed to have. The babies that should be 5 months old now. The babies that should be smiling and sitting up on their own and interacting with the world. I'm trying to make myself figure out the sleeping situation as we only have 3 bedrooms upstairs. Do my living son and daughter share a room? I just can't bring myself to paint over my baby girl' pink nursery. I was SO excited for her. I couldn't wait to decorate her room and buy her clothes. This baby? Meh. I don't want two boy rooms. I don't want to buy little baby clothes. I don't want to think about names. AGAIN. I had to psyche myself to think about this stuff during Mackenzie's pregnancy because I was so adrift. This time? I'm not even registering that I'm pregnant. I figure if the baby lives then I can buy him something. In the mean time, I'm just going to pretend like this isn't happening. I even feel resentful towards this baby that he isn't a girl and now I have to redo my sweet girl's pink nursery. I'm not saying these are justified emotions. They're clearly not. I'm being a brat.
What is wrong with me? Will my maternal instinct kick in? Will I be so depressed after this baby's birth that I won't bond with him? Will I love him? Will I look at him with anything but resentment for not being his brother and twin?
I find it hard to come to blogland. Where do I fit in? I'm not a happy infertile pregnant woman as I should be. I certainly can't read other pregnancy blogs by happy pregnant women. Or blogs by anyone as most blogs are written by people with normal, non-drama filled, lives. What is it like to be those people? To not be so tainted with failure and pain that the possibility of picture-perfect even exists.
I remember being where you are. Depressed, pregnant, in denial, worried that I wouldn't bond with this baby that I had wanted so badly. You are NOT a brat. And this is a hard place. Sending you love, and light, and hoping that you are also getting some help from a therapist ... because this is too rocky a road to travel alone.
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking of you; I'm glad to hear your pregnancy is progressing well and I can only imagine that I may have similar emotions to you should i be wearing your shoes...I think any emotion in pregnancy is going to feel a little wonky, having been through all you've been through its no surprise you are asking if everything will be okay. Perhaps once you reach closer to 30 weeks and there is a stronger chance your next boy will be seeing you, feelings will slowly evolve. even as a first time Mum I didn't bond with C for a few months pp, its such a huge transition...just let it be okay, dont beat yourself up because you aren't feeling something you think you "should"...look after yourself, i hope 2014 starts your climb up to a better place...best wishes for the remainder of your pregnancy.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry it's so hard. Maybe even harder as the gestational age of your loss comes up? It certainly would be for me. Thinking of you, and hoping that it gets a bit easier, somehow.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds really, really, really difficult. Not how pregnancy is "supposed" to be, is it? I think whatever it takes to get through each day is what you need to do. And if that's to not paint a room, or do whatever, then that is ok.
ReplyDeleteI remember at some point in college, reading a book (Madame Bovary, though I couldn't tell you anything about the book now) and having an "ah-ha" moment that was something like, "Wow, ok, all these weird things I think and feel that I thought were just me, I guess other people think and feel those things too, even though I'd never talk about them with anyone to know that." So I'm betting that as much as you may feel not "normal" for what you think and feel, it is. And maybe, remembering that might help? It sounds dreadfully hard and awful. I'm glad you posted.
ReplyDeleteI know this might be the obvious question, but are you talking to anyone- a professional, I mean- about how you are feeling? This is such a complicated time for you, and I really think an unbiased ear might help. I don't think there's anything wrong with you at all- I think the way you are feeling is natural, with all you have endured. I know our situations are different, but when I got my last positive HPT, I just tossed it aside like garbage, because I didn't dare entertain the thought that pregnancy=baby. That pregnancy ended at 10 weeks, and I didn't feel one ounce of attachment the entire time. It's all about self-protection. I honestly believe that once this baby is safe in your arms, things will turn around for you. Sending love and hugs...
ReplyDeletePTSD. Seriously. You have been to HELL and back, and it's no small wonder at all that you are having these feelings. It's akin to being a "nut in a shell" you have to have a protective covering until harvest time. I think that once you reach viability, that some of this fog will lift from you. I agree with the other ladies... I feel you would GREATLY benefit from professional therapy right now. You are way too vulnerable to try and tackle this on your own. Good luck and God Bless.
ReplyDeleteI've been reading your blog for awhile now and I would never dare to judge the feelings of a woman who has lost a child. I don't know what it's like and god willing, I hope to never experience it. What I do know is that you need to talk to a professional who specializes in grief. I hope for the sake of you, and most importantly your unborn and living children, that you recognize this and do something. Talking to someone won't make your grief disappear, but hopefully it can help you lead a happier life and start to look towards a happier future, while managing the sadness of your past.
ReplyDeleteRead my blog, you will feel a lot better about your life.
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