Dear Mr. Groundhog,
Will I get the news today that my winter is going to carry on forever? That I will never see spring. That our ability to have biological children is nill?
Or, will I wake up tomorrow renewed, with hope for the future, and a chance for a child?
Please tell me, Mr. Groundhog. I can't stand the suspense. My heart is rapidly beating, I can't take a deep breath for the fear that is constricting my lungs.
********************************************
Dear Mr. Groundhog,
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for the beautiful wonderful news. 2 beautiful blasts. I'm still not sure why you don't want to do PGD, but I hope that you are right, that they did self select out and we have perfectly normal embryos waiting for us in NJ.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Monday, January 31, 2011
Day-3 Report
Worst cycle yet: 1 8-cell, 1 7-cell, 1 4-cell. The doctor called and said we would be ridiculous to do a Day-3 transfer (his words) because we would gain no new information about our ability to make normal embryos. He said we have to take it day by day and won't have the information we need about whether we should do a fresh transfer this cycle or do the PGD-package until Day 5/6 (Wed/Thurs).
He said there are a couple of factors impacting whether we will do a fresh transfer this cycle: 1) there are only 2 days each cycle where my body is receptive to a blastocyst based on my lining and progesterone levels, so we have to make sure my body is in the "right place"; 2) the blastocyst has to be at a synchronous stage as my body in order to do a fresh transfer; 3) the results of the PGD have to indicate a normal karyotype.
Tomorrow the office will call and let me know whether the embryos are progressing at the right speed to do a fresh transfer.
He said that my age range typically has 1-2 normal embryos (given my number of eggs, other factors, etc.). However, my body may not be normal given that is has a low number of follicles/eggs for my FSH and AMH levels. He said the PGD is accurate within a 10% range in terms of assessing the quality of my embryos, i.e., if none of my embryos are normal, than likely no embyros will be normal in future cycles. So, PGD is a definitive result as to whether we make viable embryos and have any more biological children.
This past weekend I was a wreck. I was so hopeful about this cycle...hoping that we would get a higher fertilization rate...hoping that the different protocol and clinic and DHEA and accupuncture and no exercise would help. But no. We got even fewer embryos than in prior cycles. I tried not to mourn my ability to have any more biological children...but I'm feeling like that may be our diagnosis. How can this happen at 32??
He said there are a couple of factors impacting whether we will do a fresh transfer this cycle: 1) there are only 2 days each cycle where my body is receptive to a blastocyst based on my lining and progesterone levels, so we have to make sure my body is in the "right place"; 2) the blastocyst has to be at a synchronous stage as my body in order to do a fresh transfer; 3) the results of the PGD have to indicate a normal karyotype.
Tomorrow the office will call and let me know whether the embryos are progressing at the right speed to do a fresh transfer.
He said that my age range typically has 1-2 normal embryos (given my number of eggs, other factors, etc.). However, my body may not be normal given that is has a low number of follicles/eggs for my FSH and AMH levels. He said the PGD is accurate within a 10% range in terms of assessing the quality of my embryos, i.e., if none of my embryos are normal, than likely no embyros will be normal in future cycles. So, PGD is a definitive result as to whether we make viable embryos and have any more biological children.
This past weekend I was a wreck. I was so hopeful about this cycle...hoping that we would get a higher fertilization rate...hoping that the different protocol and clinic and DHEA and accupuncture and no exercise would help. But no. We got even fewer embryos than in prior cycles. I tried not to mourn my ability to have any more biological children...but I'm feeling like that may be our diagnosis. How can this happen at 32??
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Ug
Will post more later.
6 eggs.
5 mature.
3 fertilized.
We're debating doing PGD, freezing and keeping any normal embryos (that's IF there are any), and doing another cycle, PGD, freezing any normal embyros, and then doing a frozen embryo transfer IF we have any normal ones out of the two batches. RMA-NJ has this 2 for one PGD deal ($7K), which is why we are considering doing this.
F*CK.
That's 6 more f'ing months of IVF treatment I just described.
6 eggs.
5 mature.
3 fertilized.
We're debating doing PGD, freezing and keeping any normal embryos (that's IF there are any), and doing another cycle, PGD, freezing any normal embyros, and then doing a frozen embryo transfer IF we have any normal ones out of the two batches. RMA-NJ has this 2 for one PGD deal ($7K), which is why we are considering doing this.
F*CK.
That's 6 more f'ing months of IVF treatment I just described.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Trigger Happy
Just a little update...I triggered last night (after watching The Kings Speech and nearly getting lost in the blizzard!) at 10 pm with 2 ovidrel. I've never used ovidrel before...
And, retrieval is tomorrow.
I am still undecided about PGD, day 3 versus day 5 transfer, etc. I figure we'll make a decision after we find out the number of mature eggs and the fertilization report.
And, retrieval is tomorrow.
I am still undecided about PGD, day 3 versus day 5 transfer, etc. I figure we'll make a decision after we find out the number of mature eggs and the fertilization report.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
To PGD or NOT to PGD
I've been having doubts lately as to whether we should be doing PGD. We don't have any known genetic disorders which could be affecting our ability to get pregnant. My genetic testing still isn't back, but my husband's was 100% chromosomally normal male. I think we've just had bad luck/protocol/eggs. I'm not sure we'd get much out of testing the embryos if there is only 1-3 (as we have had in prior cycles). Plus, it costs $4,500. No small sum! We could put that $$ toward paying for another cycle. I'm also really wondering if maybe Day 5 transfers just don't work for us. Our son was a Day 3 transfer...
I had such high hopes for this cycle. Doing accupuncture, taking DHEA, going to a new clinic with a new protocol. I know it's not game over yet, but with 5 measly eggs, I'm not feeling so great. There is a small part of my heart that thinks I only had 6 eggs with my son's cycle...and they all fertilized...and maybe smaller number of eggs is good for me. My right ovary only has 1 measly follicle and the lefty has 4. There are a few more follicles in the 10-13 range, but I don't know if they will be mature and/or big enough at retrieval time.
In other news, I am doing an EXCELLENT job of entertaining myself.
Monday: Lovely pedicure in pale pink (which I proceded to smudge putting my shoes on later...).
Tuesday: Promising remorse-free shopping with no time restrictions, yet I still managed to have a panic attack after spending $200 and 1 hour in the mall. Every cent I spend translates into bottles of follistim and I felt deeply guilty for my 300u purchase. I left with 2 lovely oversize tops to wear with my leggings. Am I too old for leggings???
Wednesday: Movie night?? Originally was going to see "No Strings Attached" but don't want to spend 2 hours looking at Natalie Portman's face thinking about how she's pregnant and I'm not. Maybe "The King's Speech" to join the Oscar buzz...
But, generally, it is lonely sitting at my computer all day, eating my meals in solitude. I'm convinced that I am diaphanously apparent to all those surrounding me. The moms at Whole Food can tell I've got BAD EGGS. Business men at brunch can clearly see that I've desperately driven to another state in hopes of success.
I also feel so OUT OF PLACE. I have no friends, no colleagues, no business, no family in the region and feel as if I am conducting some sort of anthropological study of the humans here. Trying to figure out how to blend in despite feeling sorely misplaced. Which is really a larger parallel to finding my place in this fecund world where procreation is a choice not always a blessing. I miss my husband and, more than anything, I miss my little Nugget and his marker smudged palms.
I had such high hopes for this cycle. Doing accupuncture, taking DHEA, going to a new clinic with a new protocol. I know it's not game over yet, but with 5 measly eggs, I'm not feeling so great. There is a small part of my heart that thinks I only had 6 eggs with my son's cycle...and they all fertilized...and maybe smaller number of eggs is good for me. My right ovary only has 1 measly follicle and the lefty has 4. There are a few more follicles in the 10-13 range, but I don't know if they will be mature and/or big enough at retrieval time.
In other news, I am doing an EXCELLENT job of entertaining myself.
Monday: Lovely pedicure in pale pink (which I proceded to smudge putting my shoes on later...).
Tuesday: Promising remorse-free shopping with no time restrictions, yet I still managed to have a panic attack after spending $200 and 1 hour in the mall. Every cent I spend translates into bottles of follistim and I felt deeply guilty for my 300u purchase. I left with 2 lovely oversize tops to wear with my leggings. Am I too old for leggings???
Wednesday: Movie night?? Originally was going to see "No Strings Attached" but don't want to spend 2 hours looking at Natalie Portman's face thinking about how she's pregnant and I'm not. Maybe "The King's Speech" to join the Oscar buzz...
But, generally, it is lonely sitting at my computer all day, eating my meals in solitude. I'm convinced that I am diaphanously apparent to all those surrounding me. The moms at Whole Food can tell I've got BAD EGGS. Business men at brunch can clearly see that I've desperately driven to another state in hopes of success.
I also feel so OUT OF PLACE. I have no friends, no colleagues, no business, no family in the region and feel as if I am conducting some sort of anthropological study of the humans here. Trying to figure out how to blend in despite feeling sorely misplaced. Which is really a larger parallel to finding my place in this fecund world where procreation is a choice not always a blessing. I miss my husband and, more than anything, I miss my little Nugget and his marker smudged palms.
Monday, January 24, 2011
All By My Lonesome
I'm all by my lonesome up here in NJ. From my window in my room, I can see a train station, which brings a smile to my face because I know how excited my little Nugget would be to see it!
I got in around 7pm last night and drove around the town to get my bearings. I identified all my staples for this trip...Whole Foods for warm soup at lunch, Starbucks for my Chai Tea Lattes, a nail salon where I may venture to fix my talons, a bookstore for evening browsings, and a mall to indulge myself in some schedule-free shopping. Of course, I'm teleworking, so my days will be full.
The eggies are not growing so well. Only 4-5 that are above 10mm at this point. The doctor today callously said, "you have what you have and you can't do anything about it." Well, thanks for the lesson in the obvious. Not that it makes me feel any better.
I got in around 7pm last night and drove around the town to get my bearings. I identified all my staples for this trip...Whole Foods for warm soup at lunch, Starbucks for my Chai Tea Lattes, a nail salon where I may venture to fix my talons, a bookstore for evening browsings, and a mall to indulge myself in some schedule-free shopping. Of course, I'm teleworking, so my days will be full.
The eggies are not growing so well. Only 4-5 that are above 10mm at this point. The doctor today callously said, "you have what you have and you can't do anything about it." Well, thanks for the lesson in the obvious. Not that it makes me feel any better.
Friday, January 21, 2011
EXERCISE
I am going B-A-T-T-Y over here. I am trying to do things differently this cycle. Doing my meditation. Doing DHEA. Doing LOTS of antibiotics (both me and my husband) and a steriod. Doing a whole new protocol at a whole new clinic in a whole different state.
And, NOT EXERCISING.
It is DRIVING ME CAH-RAZY. I've been walking a couple of miles a day, but sorry folks, that is NOT exercise for the girl that used to do track workouts and lifting and yoga and long runs and spinning and ellipticalling. I feel jumpy. Lethargic. And, I'm not really digging this new layer of fat on my upper thigh. My pants feel too tight. It's funny, but even though I'm not working out, I still have a huge appetite. I'm not sure whether to attribute this to stress or the hormones. Regardless, it is making me feel yucky.
I'm seriously thinking about cheating and working out. Just a little elliptical. Please???
I guess I'm having a hard time with this intellectually because I worked out the cycle that I got pregnant with my son. And, I know people that worked out A LOT and got pregnant (running marathons and the like)...including people doing IVF. I really believe that if you are going to get pregnant, you will get pregnant. That exercise isn't going to make the embryo decide to stop growing. Plus, I can't find any evidence supporting a negative impact on IVF success rates. Of course, there's the study about how women that have exercised for the past 7 years or so have overall lower success rates...but that's it. All that exercise for the past 7 years is water under the bridge now.
Yes, I am looking for permission to exercise. Yes, I know this is not the most evolved way to make a decision. Yes, I know deep down that really I am the one that would be making the decision.
Arg.
I need to go buy new pants. Thank god for leggings and skirts and sweatpants.
And, NOT EXERCISING.
It is DRIVING ME CAH-RAZY. I've been walking a couple of miles a day, but sorry folks, that is NOT exercise for the girl that used to do track workouts and lifting and yoga and long runs and spinning and ellipticalling. I feel jumpy. Lethargic. And, I'm not really digging this new layer of fat on my upper thigh. My pants feel too tight. It's funny, but even though I'm not working out, I still have a huge appetite. I'm not sure whether to attribute this to stress or the hormones. Regardless, it is making me feel yucky.
I'm seriously thinking about cheating and working out. Just a little elliptical. Please???
I guess I'm having a hard time with this intellectually because I worked out the cycle that I got pregnant with my son. And, I know people that worked out A LOT and got pregnant (running marathons and the like)...including people doing IVF. I really believe that if you are going to get pregnant, you will get pregnant. That exercise isn't going to make the embryo decide to stop growing. Plus, I can't find any evidence supporting a negative impact on IVF success rates. Of course, there's the study about how women that have exercised for the past 7 years or so have overall lower success rates...but that's it. All that exercise for the past 7 years is water under the bridge now.
Yes, I am looking for permission to exercise. Yes, I know this is not the most evolved way to make a decision. Yes, I know deep down that really I am the one that would be making the decision.
Arg.
I need to go buy new pants. Thank god for leggings and skirts and sweatpants.
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