Mixed Emotions

One would think the only emotion that I should feel would be unadulterated joy. A soundtrack of Etta James "At Last" should be playing on a continuing loop in my head. I should be walking around with a secret smile, rubbing my belly and whispering "thank you, thank you God."

But, I find that my feelings are so much more complicated than that.

I don't want to be played the fool again. I have had hope on each and every cycle that this WOULD BE IT. I would think about how we could finally move forward with our lives, the trips we would take, the home improvement projects we could finally tackle, the people that I could allow to re-enter our lives, the glory of being able to run again.

I have learned that sometimes life doesn't work out like planned.

Sometimes IVF never works. Hard fought for pregnancies don't have a fetal pole, or a beating heart, or miscarry at 9 weeks or 12 weeks or 22 weeks, or die during childbirth, or are born with trisomies, or have autism.

Bad things happen to good people who don't deserve it.

And, for whatever reason (likely due to the prevalence of baser emotions in my character), I am a person that "bad things" happen to. So, why should I feel joy at being pregnant? It will only be taken away from me.

The most disturbing emotion I feel is intense ANGER. I am so ANGRY that we had to go through all of this to get pregnant. I am ANGRY that other people get to have sex and get pregnant. Sure, it may take a few months and GASP they may even have to do some basal body temperature charting...but they get pregnant, on their own, without needles, without a doctor, without waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of their own sobs because they were grieving while sleeping.

And, then I get angry at myself for not APPRECIATING how lucky I am to have gotten to this point. Why can't I just be happy? Why am I bitter? I am one of the lucky ones that finally got IVF to work.

I wish I could go back to a time when my feelings were so less complicated. I fear I will never be that naive person again and that anger and bitterness will be a shadow throughout my life.

And now we schedule the ultrasound....

Beta #1: 866 (18 days past retrieval)
Beta #2: 1595 (20 days past retrieval)
Beta #3: 3122 (22 days past retrieval)

Ultrasound scheduled for next Wednesday, the 18th.


And, I am EATING ALL THE TIME. I don't remember being this STARVING when I was pregnant with my son.

Still Pregnant

Beta #2 is in: 1595 at 20 days post retrieval.

So, things are progressing.

I looked up my numbers with my son and they were:

1st Beta (17 days post retrieval): 632
2nd Beta (19 days post retrieval): 1139
3rd Beta (21 days post retreival): 2331

Which seems pretty comparable to me.

Am feeling lost im my mix of emotions, which I will write more about later.

Joyful, scared, angry, bitter, guilty, jealous, hopeful.

No Words

Only tears can express my emotions today....

I am pregnant.

My beta was 866 at 18 days post retrieval.

And now another waiting process begins.

No Beta Til Monday

I didn't go to my Beta today and my clinic doesn't do them over the weekend...so no Beta til Monday.

It is funny how, regardless of the odds...hope never dies. Because even if all signs are pointing to failure...I still hope that this cycle will work.

My symptoms (which could easily be attributed to progesterone):
--I had significant menstrual-type cramps at 4 & 5 days post transfer and felt continuously "full" through 11 days post transfer. 10 days past transfer I had horrible cramps that woke me up in the middle of the night, but they could have just as easily been gas. I have a little menstrual-type cramping occasionally.
--I am a little constipated. I usually have regular "looser" stools right before I get my BFN and my period starts (usually 15-16 days post retrieval). But, I still have a couple more days for this to happen.
--My temperature was 98.4 this morning (15 days post retrieval), which is higher than it's been in other cycles (I believe was 97.6 15 days past retrieval on IVF#4). But, maybe I'm just sick or maybe it's the progesterone.
--My stomach used to be bloated, but now my tummy is flatter.
--Boobs are tender sometimes, nipples may be more sensitive, but that could be psycho-somatic. Or just a function of a fact that I usually don't go around feeling my boobs on a day to day basis.
--I am still pretty breathless after climbing stairs or walking, but I've had that in prior failed cycles too.
--My lower back is achy. I'm having a hard time standing for any extended period of time. I thought it might be from wearing heals, but I've been teleworking the past two days wearing sneakers and it is still bugging me.

Just writing all these down for future cycles, so I can talk myself out of being Pollyanna Positive that the cycle worked. This is pretty much the way I think I've felt with all my other cycles (with the exception of the temperature) at this point. Of course, with IVF #4, at 15 days post retrieval, I had already gotten my period. On IVF #1-3, I got my period consistently on 17 days post retrieval, regardless of whether or not I am taking progesterone.

At least this way, I don't have to ruin another holiday and we have some semblance of having some fun this weekend.

Waiting it out.

I'm thinking about not taking a pregnancy test and not going in for a blood test. I don't want to know. I'll just wait for my period and if it doesn't come by Sunday (17 days past retrieval)…then I'll go get the bloodtest. I don't want the anxiety of waiting for the results and my period comes regardless of whether I am on the drugs, so why not just live life in oblivion. I don't want to face next steps. I don't want to make decisions about donor eggs or doing another cycle or trying donor sperm. I just want to wait. Because waiting is safe. Because if I wait there is still hope.

Usually, my husband is the glass half full kind of guy. I call him "delusionally positive" in that he is almost irrational in his faith that everything will work out in the end. His faith buoys me up when I am mired in my doubt and depression. In my darkest moments, he reminds me that I have to be positive to give the embryos the best environment possible.

His façade has been cracking this cycle.

We were unloading the dishwasher yesterday, watching Nugget as he "helped" us cook by putting the vegetables for salad in a bowl. My husband looked over at me and sighed, saying he had been sick to his stomach all day at work and was so scared of what was going to happen if this cycle didn't work.

In a total role reversal, I told him that everything would be fine. We would have another child somehow and we would learn to deal with this situation.

But, he said, what if you get depressed again? I don't want to waste any more of our lives on this process, sitting on the couch all weekend, avoiding our friends, with our financial and emotional future in total uncertainty.

We don't have a choice, I told him. We're just going to have to suck it up. Again.

In the midst of the two week wait....

Ah, yes, I love the glorious dilusion of the first week of the two week wait...I am usually just hanging on to the picture of the glorious embryos thinking...it has a chance...it COULD work. And, then the cramping starts. About 6 days after transfer, for all my prior cycles...I get cramping. This cycle is a little different...because it's 5 days post a 3-day transfer rather than a 5-day transfer, but WHATEVER. It's cramping and I take it as a sign that this cycle didn't work (yes, I know that people sometimes have cramping and still manage to be pregnant...in fact, I believe I was one of those people)...but, at an emotional level...I process this as: GAME OVER.

My husband and I have been fighting all week about whether we do another cycle OR just move straight to donor.

My preference...DO ANOTHER CYCLE...We have enough drugs leftover from this cycle (um, because I ordered 5 600iu vials of Follistim and 2 375iu boxes of Menopur, but SHHHHH: these are free drugs in my book because we only paid 50% for them). PLUS, some glorious friends have sent us some drugs (THANK YOU!). So, a fresh cycle, in which we combine with the one frozen embryo up in NJ, would cost: (only) $11-$13K. That's not much, right?

My husband sees the emotional and financial toll of doing another cycle and would like us to move straight to donor.

And, honestly, if someone offered me a ride on a bus that only had 15% of arriving at it's destination...ain't no way. I'd be taking the train.

But, I keep hoping that we would be the miracle success story...that there would be some way for us to "end strong" feeling like we had given it our all.

Plus, I think in order to truly move on...I need to feel like I did MORE than I ever thought possible...try longer...cry more...

Because I don't take "giving up" lightly, for I have NEVER done it before.