It didn't work

Took a HPT today. Negative.

Now what?

I hate this. I almost just want to move on to adoption.

Embryo Transfer

Well, it's done. All I have to do now is wait.

The transfer itself went fine, but unfortunately only one survived the thaw process. I was devastated when the embryologist told me right before the transfer. I sobbed the whole transfer and pretty much all day Thursday and Friday. There's only a 35% success rate with one embryo (50% with two).

So, I'm not very hopeful that this will work. I feel like we just wasted two months (six months total) and $5k. I wish we'd done the fresh cycle.

Here's hoping I make it the next 12 days.

Thumbs Up

Thanks so much for your sweet comments. I'm trying to keep my spirits up. I finally got my period, so I'm fully in the FET cycle now. The transfer is scheduled for 5/27/2010 and I find out the results 6/10/2010. I just added estradial shots to the mix and they are making me so nauseous that I'm having a hard time eating/keeping food down.

Nugget's 18 month appointment was this past Friday. He's grown like a weed since his 15 month appointment: 3 inches in height, moving from the 5th to 50th percentile in height!! He also moved from the 3rd to 4th percentile in weight. Little guy is still wearing his 6-9 month shorts from last summer....he's such a string bean!

He's so much fun these days and *really* into all things cleaning....

He added FIVE new words to his vocabulary: hummus (my favorite), please (awww), poop (yuck!), fish, and water. This basically doubles his vocabularly. He's not the most verbose toddler, but he seems to be learning with greater rapidity, which makes me hopeful.

Running-wise, I've been hovering around 50-60 miles per week. I think I might shoot for 60-70 miles per week until the transfer, after which I will do nothing but walk and light yoga. My team-mates and coach have been asking when I'm going to return to the track. I'm too afraid to do any speed workouts until I get the pregnancy results...and even then I might wait until we get a heartbeat.

Hope you all are doing well!

Swallowing My Words

I haven't been posting/commenting much because I've found it hard to come to this blog and see the updates with so many people pregnant. I'm really struggling with our infertility. Most days I can make it through the morning...but by noon...as the monotony of the day wears in and I am away from Nugget, the fear slowly starts to seep in. The fear that this won't work and that we'll have to do it again. That we're gambling on a losing bet. That I'll have to hear about one more person getting pregnant while we struggle. That someone will ask me what my next race is and I'll have the swallow the words I want to say: I'm not running because we're spending a sh*tload of money on fertility treatments and they'd better d@mn well work because we only have enough for two cycles and running a race is the least of my freaking concerns. All I want to do is hold Nugget and be with him...because he takes my mind off all of this. He reminds me that there is hope. And, I'm worried that he'll be our only baby and I certainly don't want to be wasting my precious time with him at work. It's all I can do to manage the bare minimum at work. I just can't stand being there, away from him.

In terms of the process, I've been taking Lupron shots for 8 days, waiting for my period to come so that we can start the FET cycle. It should come 7-12 days after starting Lupron, but I have no symptoms of Aunt Flo in sight.

Sigh.

Here are some shots of Nugget that make me happy:

Time to Hang Up the Running Shoes

Official time: 2:59

I'm pretty disappointed with my race. Only 20 seconds faster than my fall marathon. I think my marathon days are over. I really hoped to get 2:55-2:57 and thought this race would be a bellweather as to whether I should really dig into training harder to get down to a OTQ time, but I didn't. Given all the time, effort, and pain involved in marathon training, I'm not sure I'd want to run more only to match my time as 2:59 seems to be my destined PR. Plus, I'd actually prefer running half-marathons and 10-milers. They are easier to absorb in our schedules and don't consume massive amounts of our weekend time together.

Mile Splits:
Ave: 6:46
1: 6:51
2: 6:41
3: 6:38
4: 6:33
5: 6:45
6: 6:36
7: 6:39
8: 6:40
9: 6:37
10: 6:41
11: 6:41
12: 6:33
13: 6:35
14: 6:41
15: 6:53
16: 6:33
17: 6:59
18: 7:01
19: 6:44
20: 6:48
21: 7:23
22: 6:36
23: 6:51
24: 7:02
25: 6:51
26: 7:10
0.2: 6:34

And, now, on to FET. I start my meds tomorrow. (Side story for later: RE switched us to FET at the last minute. 50% chance of working...and we're putting in both embryos. 20% chance of twins! ahhh!)

Sometimes You Just Need to Let Loose

Seriously.

Big. life. stuff. can take the wind out of your sails. Dying grandmother. Infertile couple. Money stress. Etc.

Sometimes, all you need is a little time with your bestest friends in the whole world and a lot of alcohol. I am a little self conscious putting this out there because you know I am a *mom* and everything. But, it was oh so much fun to just go out and get a little crazy. I seriously don't think I have had as much as I had to drink on Saturday as I have had in YEARS. Definitely since my early single post college days. I'm not condoning this sort of activity...but still.

There are three of us from high school that are still close. These are the girls that know me better than anyone. That can tell my childhood stories. That can joke about my family and all their craziness. My biggest advocates. The people that will tell me like it is. I love them. This past weekend, one flew in from Nashville for the engagement party of the third that lives here. The engagement party featured a "something blue" drink that beckoned the horrible punches concocted by frat boys in college...and I had a lot of "something blue" that night. I'll have to decide if I can take the public embarassment involved in posting my "jumping on the couch" incident at the end of the night...

One week until Big Spring Marathon. I'm hitting my splits at the track, but my legs don't feel so peppy. They were this way before the last marathon, so I've been expecting this. I'm so excited for the marathon to be over, but am thankful that I have it as a distraction. We decided to do a fresh cycle IVF next month because it has a higher success rate and only (ha) costs about $2500-$3000 more than the frozen embryo transfer (total cost $7500-$8000 w/ insurance covering slightly less than half). I feel a huge sense of peace in this decision....in fact, I've had an overwelming sense of calm and peacefulness this past week. I don't know whether it's because we have a plan or whether my body is happy to be hormone free, but it's been such a relief.

Anyway, here are my running stats for last week:
4/5/2010: 6 miles, Body Flow
4/6/2010: 10 miles: 1600 (5:46), 1200 (4:14), 800 (2:43, 2:46), 400 (1:19)
4/7/2010: 8.5 miles
4/8/2010: 8.5 miles
4/9/2010: 9 miles w/ 4 miles at 6:18 pace (6:26, 6:16, 6:14, 6:17)
4/10/2010: 6.5 miles
4/11/2010: 14 miles @ 7:45 pace ave.
Total Mileage: 62.5 miles

Making It Through

It's hard to train from a psychological fetal position. I'm already defeated by life right now and it is a struggle just to make it through the work day and front a positive attitude. I just want to sit at home in my sweats, watch Nugget play, and feel sorry for myself. Each day feels like one of those days at the track when you just don't want to be there and you have to pull yourself through the workout. We're moving forward with either IVF or a Frozen Embryo Transfer next month. I get the next two weeks off drugs and then I start my injections the day after Big Spring Marathon in prep for the cycle. We still haven't decided if we are doing IVF or FET. The cost differential is about $3-4K b/c FETs aren't covered by insurance, but we're going to be out $5K-9K at the end of next month. IVF has a 50-60% success rate, whereas FET only has a 20% success rate.

My legs are feeling a bit better. I cut my long run short this past weekend because I just wasn't feeling it. I was getting over a cold and my body felt a little tired and achy. I perked up at the track today and was spitting out some pretty good splits (see below). I still don't feel as perky as I felt before the 1/2 marathon, but I'm hoping that I come back with my taper the next two weeks.

I have no idea what pace to shoot for at Big Spring Marathon. Maybe 2:56/2:57 (6:42-6:45 pace)? My 1/2 marathon was predictive of a 2:53 (6:35 pace), but I don't know that I can go that fast.

Last Week's Mileage:
3/29/2010: 6.5 miles, Body Flow
3/30/2010: 12 miles, 8x800 (2:54, 2:48, 2:49, 2:46, 2:50, 2:53, 2:54, 2:54) (I kind of died 1/2 way through; guess I was feeling the 22 mile long run), 30 min yoga
3/31/2010: 12 miles am // 5 miles pm
4/1/2010: 12 miles am // 3 miles pm
4/2/2010: 11 miles total, 4 miles @ 6:14
4/3/2010: 11 miles, 20 minutes yoga, abs
4/4/2010: 14 miles @ 7:20 pace
Total: 86.5 miles

Track practice today:
4/6/2010: 10 miles total: 1600 (5:46), 1200 (4:14), 800 (2:43, 2:46), 400 (1:19)