Truly rotten blogger.

In addition to not blogging for the past two weeks, I also didn't comment on anyone's blogs.

Life has been busy.
Which is a good thing.
I've been working LOTS, which I don't like, but it makes time pass.

And, we've had busy fun weekends and nights with little time to roam the internet for pointless hours.

Apple-picking. Visiting the local farm that delivers our organic dairy and meat. Hanging out with my poppop. Going out for a nice date night, including wine! Neighborhood halloween parties. Etc. Etc.

So, as for my cycle, I stopped BCP and antibiotics yesterday and went in for monitoring today. I've been lightly bleeding the whole 3 weeks, but more so in the past week. My body WANTS a period. I haven't let it had one since early September after the BFN.

I'm so scared for this cycle. We've maxed out both our credit cards…um, with their $5K limits. This cycle, which I thought would cost less, is actually going to cost slightly more. I dropped $2K on drugs yesterday and then put in $5K advance for medical treatments (we have 50% coverage under our insurance for 3 cycles). We usually have $1-2K in additional charges and if we do any sort of freezing it will be more. After our failed FET this past summer, we've taken the attitude that FETs don't work and there is no point in freezing unless there are at least 4 leftover embryos… Of course, I say that theoretically. If we have any embryos that are viable enough to freeze, my mind might change. I feel so protective of my embryos. But at $2-$3K to freeze…I'm tempted to save that $$ toward a fresh cycle.

I don't know how to abide this fear. I just keep repeating to myself:

This is just one big experiment.
They found the potential problem.
You are starting this cycle with a healthier body.

*********************************************
UPDATE: I started my drugs last night. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Adoption??

Lately, I have been thinking a lot more about adoption. Part of me is tired of trying. Tired of the drugs. Tired of having our life on hold.

And, the other part of me just aches for a fuller house. Another child.

There are two families in my neighborhood that I know through our community babysitting co-op. At a BBQ last summer, one of the mothers mentioned that she was tired of the infertility roller coaster, so they decided to adopt. It's been nagging at the back of my mind ever since. So, two weeks ago, I emailed both moms and asked if we could get together for some wine and ... my ulterior motive of asking them about adoption. One pursued domestic, the other interational.

It was such a heartening conversation. Both women went through infertility and decided that they have had enough. It took a few years, but they said that now they feel whole. That these were the children that God meant for them to have.

In the evening before dinner, the one family's three little kids ride their scooters up and down my block. Three little orbs circling their mother. And, I think to myself, that could be me.

I realized the other day that I don't care if the baby is brown, or black, or white, or purple (well, maybe purple because that might indicate a breathing issue). I don't care if my baby isn't a baby.

I just want a family with multiple kids.

I know that adoption is a journey in and off itself. And, there are no guarantees that it will be a painfree process.

So, now what? My husband wants to at least do the two more cycles that we have 50% coverage for. I'd like us to reach a decision about whether we would do international or domestic, open or closed adoption, etc. I'd also like us to pick an agency. Get a homestudy. Move forward.

If anyone has websites they'd recommend or friends they'd like to refer me to, please let me know.

If a Girl Runs Alone in the Dark....

Does it count as running??

Since my marathon in the spring, I have not been training. No track workouts. No weight lifting. No exercising for a goal.

And, now, with the crispness of fall in the mornings, I find my body aching to race again. To be fast. To push the limits. To be strong and hard.

Due to my two month pause since my last IVF cycle, my running has steadily returned. Not to my prior levels, but somewhere around 30-40 miles per week (OK, I don't know that I've run more than 35 because I haven't been keeping exact tabs, but I think I might be closer to 40 this week, if I am able to run once on the weekend).

In the beginning, my legs would scream after three miles. In fact, I even began to understand why people hate running. It hurts.

And, slowly, slowly, my legs felt stronger and could carry my body for longer distances.

I felt like a stabled horse, begging to be let free.

My old running friends (whom I no longer see or speak to, because, really, what would I have to say to them?) are kicking out PRs, 2:52 marathons, and here I sit. Soft and round. Aching to be them.

I should hold myself back...but, oh I miss it. Shhhh! Don't tell anyone but last Saturday I ran 10 miles. And loved every minute of it.

Test Results: At Least We Have Some Answers

When the RE called this afternoon, I knew that my biopsy results weren't going to be good. Seems I have mild, chronic endometritis (NOTE: not endometriosis), which is an inflammation of the uterus lining due to bacterial infections spread from the vagina. It is seen in women that had a long and difficult labor (as well as those with STDs, who have had an abortion or an IUD implanted).

Finally, we have some answers about why I haven't been able to get pregnant. Why someone didn't think of this before (given that I have had FOUR bacterial infections since my son was born...) I spent $13K and 10 months trying to get pregnant, I have no idea. So, the prescribed treatment is 4 weeks birth control pills with 3 weeks doxycyclene and 200mg motrin, and THEN we can begin IVF.

I'm irritated that this is a problem and no-one had found it earlier, but I am also thankful I followed my intuition that jumping into a cycle--as the two other doctors I saw suggested--wouldn't be circumspect enough.

Hopefully, curing this infection will help with implantation and I will finally get pregnant!!

Lost

Two nights ago, I had a nightmare in which I was pregnant, but didn't know it and gave birth early at 20-something weeks. I remember crying out for help while in labor, but no-one would believe that I was pregnant and when the baby was born everyone told me that she was dead. I kept telling them that I could see the baby breathing and that the baby would drink from a bottle, but they kept telling me that I had to mourn the baby's loss. Eventually, someone took me to the hospital, but I woke up before we arrived. This is the first pregnancy-related dream I have had since our last cycle. I'm not sure I want to delve into its significance.

I am feeling a bit lost these days. We went on vacation last week...but...vacation with a small child is hardly relaxing. Nugget was up every day between 5:30-6 am. We were the only couple with kids and it was nice to be around people whose lives do not yet revolve around nap-times and might be inclined to ask when/if we were going to have any more children.

I'm so tired of being on drugs. It's been nearly 10 months of some sort of hormone treatment (provera, clomid x2, lupron, menupor, follistim, estrogen, progesterone). I feel like I'm at the end of my crazy stick: bloated, cranky, and irritated.

I always swore that I would never take the world's woes out on Nugget, but the other night he was being the typical almost terrible-two and I gave him an unnecssary time out for playing with the dishwasher. As he cried on the step, I stood behind the kitchen door looking at my reflection in the window and wanted this to stop. The drugs. The not-knowing. The near-constant lump in my throat. I wanted to appreciate the things that I do have. But, I could't seem to find a way to escape the haunting of this unfinished process.

I have my endometrial biopsy this Friday. The HSG test results came back normal. I guess I'll begin my meds for the short-lupron flare protocol next week, upon results of the biopsy.

I have to believe that this will work for us. I have to be positive. I am not sure if it is self-defense or intuition, but I feel that this won't work for us again. I'm supposed to go to an adoption open-house this weekend, which my husband thinks is pre-mature, but I need to start preparing for the next phase. It gives me some hope to think that there are options beside the IVF path.

What if I'm actually LUCKY?

As I've said before, I'm a glass half-empty kind of gal. I've tried fighting it, denying it, manipulating it, but you know what? I am. If I can accept this about myself and try to force my mind to recognize that my worldview is slightly tainted, then maybe I can intellectually broaden my perspective. For, oh, the past three years, my inner dialogue is pretty much a neverending loop of: "woe is me, why did this have to happen to me, why did I get to fall in love with the guy with crappy sperm, why does this get to be so easy for EVERYONE else and not me."

And, just yesterday, I got to thinking...what if I'm actually pretty d@mn lucky?

Let me count the ways:

Exhibit A: I already have a beautiful boy who is HEALTHY.

Exhibit B: I actually have *some* insurance coverage to pay for infertility. There are lots of people that don't have this option.

Exhibit C: We are in a position financially to be able to pay for fertility treatments and can continue doing it (although at great cost to our retirement and savings) for as many cycles as I can stomach.

Exhibit D: I have a low-stress work environment that is completely supportive and understanding of all my doctor's appointments and my distractedness when distressed by infertility.

Exhibit E: I have a couple of close friends that have experienced or are currently experiencing infertility, so I'm not in this all alone.

Exhibit F: I'm relatively young.

Exhibit G: I have a husband who loves me and does the best he can to support me through this process.

Not too shabby, eh?

I'm trying to figure out how many tries we will give this before we move on to adoption/donor egg/donor sperm/surrogate. I think I can take two to three more cycles and then will need to reconsider, but I'm working on taking things one day at a time.

A World Tour of Reproductive Endocrinologists

OK, maybe "world tour" is a little bit of an exaggeration. I did go to three different RE's this past week. After doing more research on the antagonist strategy (2 weeks birth control pills, ganirelix) suggested by the doctor I saw last week, I am not convinced of its success after doing ever-useful on-line research. I tend to cleave to routine and familiarity and sometimes have a hard time trying something new.

We had a WTF appointment on Wednesday at our clinic. Dr. A-hole was too busy to talk to us, so we met with the other doctor at the clinic. Arms crossed, I entered the meeting expecting not to get any answers and only given excuses for the repeated failures. But, Dr. B was actually very insightful. He walked us through his perception of our infertility history and compared our two IVF cycles so as to identify the factors he thought may have contributed to the success with our son's cycle and failure this most recent round. He identified slower growth of the follicles, which meant more drugs and longer stimming, possibly decreasing the quality of the eggs. He suggested that we complete additional diagnostic testing to determine whether there were any other factors impacting implantation. Additionally, he suggested a new drug protocol which has been found to be more successful with low responders (lupron flare). Of all the doctors I met with, I thought he was the most circumspect in terms of analyzing whether other factors may be impacting the lack of implantation and in the description of why this cycle may not have been successful. He didn't suggest donor eggs (which the dr last week has suggested). He said that the best predictor of IVF success is prior success and emphasized that I am young compared to most fertility patients. So, I decided that we will do one more cycle with this clinic. I started taking estrogen today and will take progesterone in two weeks to "fake" my body into thinking it has had a cycle. We didn't want to repeat the 60+ day cycle I had this summer after my failed FET. So, looks like I'll be doing another cycle in October.

I am trying to find Hope again. Most of the past week has been spent in tears. I'm so afraid that this won't work for us and that I will never get to experience the wonder of a baby moving in my belly or those first few sweet days with this small creature nuzzled against my neck. I've been pestering my husband about how many cycles we will do before we give up and he said that we will do it until we run out of money. My parents have offered to pay for a cycle, so we'll keep that in our back pocket for a later point. I have two more cycles that are covered 50% under my insurance company. I am also going to look into whether any other insurance companies my organization offers have infertility coverage (the last time I checked 3 years ago, my insurance company was the only one that offered minimal coverage).

Ironically, Nugget has found a new word: "happy." How do I define this word to him when I find it to be so elusive?