Two nights ago, I had a nightmare in which I was pregnant, but didn't know it and gave birth early at 20-something weeks. I remember crying out for help while in labor, but no-one would believe that I was pregnant and when the baby was born everyone told me that she was dead. I kept telling them that I could see the baby breathing and that the baby would drink from a bottle, but they kept telling me that I had to mourn the baby's loss. Eventually, someone took me to the hospital, but I woke up before we arrived. This is the first pregnancy-related dream I have had since our last cycle. I'm not sure I want to delve into its significance.
I am feeling a bit lost these days. We went on vacation last week...but...vacation with a small child is hardly relaxing. Nugget was up every day between 5:30-6 am. We were the only couple with kids and it was nice to be around people whose lives do not yet revolve around nap-times and might be inclined to ask when/if we were going to have any more children.
I'm so tired of being on drugs. It's been nearly 10 months of some sort of hormone treatment (provera, clomid x2, lupron, menupor, follistim, estrogen, progesterone). I feel like I'm at the end of my crazy stick: bloated, cranky, and irritated.
I always swore that I would never take the world's woes out on Nugget, but the other night he was being the typical almost terrible-two and I gave him an unnecssary time out for playing with the dishwasher. As he cried on the step, I stood behind the kitchen door looking at my reflection in the window and wanted this to stop. The drugs. The not-knowing. The near-constant lump in my throat. I wanted to appreciate the things that I do have. But, I could't seem to find a way to escape the haunting of this unfinished process.
I have my endometrial biopsy this Friday. The HSG test results came back normal. I guess I'll begin my meds for the short-lupron flare protocol next week, upon results of the biopsy.
I have to believe that this will work for us. I have to be positive. I am not sure if it is self-defense or intuition, but I feel that this won't work for us again. I'm supposed to go to an adoption open-house this weekend, which my husband thinks is pre-mature, but I need to start preparing for the next phase. It gives me some hope to think that there are options beside the IVF path.
No good words for you except to say that I am thinking about you much.
ReplyDeleteI'm with the Chapples. It sucks, but you'll feel better afterwards knowing you've done as much as you can. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeletewhat a terrible dream!
ReplyDeletehang in there, k. i know how hard this all is. especially when you get to the point where it all feels like part of your normal daily grind and you yearn for the daily grind of days pre-IF. but you're right. you do HAVE to stay positive. you HAVE to believe in this. you can do it.
i hope the adoption openhouse helps calm some of your fears. hugs!
p.s. i know you might be too far along in this cycle at this point, but have you thought of taking a break from ART for a month or so? my hubby talked me into it and actually i am so glad. it's given me the space to think a bit more clearly about things and i'm so grateful. i really needed it even though i didn't want it.
oh, and to answer your questions...when i consulted with my current RE and explained our repeated failures, he suggested everything he thought might help us find answers. i specifically sought him out because i knew he was liberal with testing so i expected it. my old RE didn't believe in immune testing and he certainly wasn't interested in looking at our chromosomes so after 1 IVF (4 cycles total) and no baby.
ReplyDeletewho knows if i actually need the testing. if the results all come back normal, we'll know i didn't. but if we find something then hopefully we'll finally have some answers.
i'll update my blog tomorrow after i've learned more about PGD/PGS.
fingers crossed on the other test results!
it's too bad that science isn't more precise in this area. it's still such a game of chance, unfortunately.