Ultrasound on Wednesday

I've had two good betas since last Wednesday and the ultrasound is on Wednesday 12/5.

1st Beta (14 days post retrieval): 196

2nd Beta (16 days post retrieval): 360

3rd Beta (18 days post retrieval): 789

4th Beta (21 days post retrieval): 2231

I've been to Crossfit 2x now and went for my longest run yesterday in three months: 9 miles!  I'm thinking about going to the track next week if everything continues to progress.  I have never continued track workouts with my previous pregnancies, so I don't know if that is something I will be able to do. So far, my only symptoms are sore boobs and an insatiable appetite for fatty meats.  I can't seem to eat enough bacon or lamb.

I haven't told my family and wasn't going to tell them until/if we reach 15/16 weeks and pending the results of any genetic testing we do.  My husband thinks we should tell my parents if I make it to Christmas, as I would be 8 weeks. But, I just don't want my siblings or anyone to know until we know that this is viable...and, my mom can't keep a secret to save her life.

Beta Rising

At 16 days post ovulation, my beta today was 360.  Which, according to BetaBase (we all know beta base, right?), it is a little higher than the median for a singleton.  But, my betas for both my other pregnancies were also a little higher than the median, so I am trying not to think about twins.

Betas with Nugget:
1st Beta (17 days post retrieval): 632
2nd Beta (19 days post retrieval): 1139
3rd Beta (21 days post retreival): 2331

Betas with Baby Girl:
Beta #1: 866 (18 days past retrieval)
Beta #2: 1595 (20 days past retrieval)
Beta #3: 3122 (22 days past retrieval)

I've been eating bacon and eggs like they are going out of style.  My boobs hurt.  No bleeding/spotting.  My tummy is already sticking out, but that's bloating from the progesterone or perhaps the massive amount of bacon I have been eating.  I don't even want to think about what my cholesterol is like now (last time I checked it was 270).  I invested in a sports bra shirt top thingy that has plenty of room in the middle so I don't have to be self-conscious when working out that everyone is going to know that I am pregnant before I want them to know.  I know.  Crazy.  I'm WAY too confident.

Guilt. Elation. Fear.

I am having some strange emotions.  Guilt.  Elation. Fear.

Unlike the last time, I'm not angry.  Only doing IVF twice.... only seeing a negative pregnancy test once is SO different.  How quickly I feel I have lost the perspective we gained by having to fight for our Baby Girl.  I take this pregnancy for granted.  I am already running again.  In fact, I ran during the two week wait several times.  I'm even thinking about going to Crossfit again (haven't been since before retrieval).  I've already looked up due dates (August 5th, but I am guessing that the baby will come early).  I'm already assuming that everything will be OK with the baby.  I'm already fearing the sleepless nights.  I'm already looking at Pinterest to figure out how we will board three kids in two bedrooms. I started looking at our budget for the next year to figure out how much we could afford for a new car, as our 11 year old Toyota Highlander can't hold three car seats.

I couldn't even fathom any of these thoughts with Baby Girl until we reached viability.  I was scared to death that we would lose her.

My head knows that I shouldn't be moving forward like this.  And, because I can't seem to make myself exercise caution in my planning, I am scared.

Scared that I will lose this pregnancy because I took it for granted.
Scared that we were not thankful enough for the two kids without any problems that we have that the universe will equalize our luck with a third child with issues.
Scared that my precious Baby Girl will not get the attention she deserves as she has a sibling so soon.
Scared that a third child will be more than we can handle.
Scared that maybe there are twins in there and I really can't handle four kids.
Scared that I will never get my career back on track with a third child.

I know that these are petty fears and that I will rise to the challenge of whatever we must face.

But, the biggest emotion that I can't seem to shake is sadness for Baby Girl.  It is an emotion I don't understand.  She was our miracle.  Our amazing Baby Girl with the wonderful disposition who wants nothing but to laugh and be held.  Will she get the love she needs?  Will she know how very amazing she is and how blessed we feel to have her?  My husband even says that he hopes this pregnancy--if viable--is a boy so that our Baby Girl will be different, special.  My sister always said that she was the "nothing child," the "middle child" and that she never felt special.  It would break my heart if precious Baby Girl ever felt this way.

I also worry about this baby.  Will he/she feel like an accessory?  Nice to have, but not essential?  Will I feel that way?  With Baby Girl, everything was amazing.  I had maternity photos taken so that I could memorialize the last time I would ever be pregnant.  I poured over blogs to design the perfect nursery. I cried tears of joy while in labor, so happy to feel the contractions again.  Will this pregnancy still be special to me or will I view it as "old hat?"

How can I even think these things?  These are horrible thoughts.  I should only be thankful.  And, I am.  I guess I never really processed what would happen if we actually DID get pregnant.  I mean, it was hard enough at 31 or 32....why would it work 2 years later without much struggle and strife?

I am also thinking about our leftover embryos.  Do I want to donate them?  Could I do that?  Who would I donate them to?  Would I want to have an open relationship with that family or would it serve us all better for it to be anonymous?

See?  Totally getting ahead of myself.  I haven't even had my second beta.  Someone smack me.

The Post I Am Afraid to Write

I am wary of writing this post.


Because it is not fair.


Because I know it will hurt people to read.


I can’t quite believe it myself, but today I got a positive home pregnancy test. I know this is just the beginning of the journey. I need a positive beta, and doubling betas, and ultrasounds, and a beating heart, etc. But, as of this moment, I am pregnant.

****UPDATED****
Beta=196 @ 14 Days Post Retrieval

Chicken

Well, I was going to test tomorrow.  13 days past retrieval....but...I'm chickening out.  I don't want to ruin another lazy Sunday being sad about a cycle.  So, maybe I'll test Monday?  Maybe Tuesday?  Any chance I could keep taking progesterone forever and just never have to deal with a negative?

Same old symptoms that everyone feels during two week wait post IVF.  Breathlessness. Cramps.  Lower back pain. Itchy nipples.  Blah blah blah.  I can hyper analyze these, but I know well enough that I've had the same symptoms when I've been pregnant as when I haven't.

Better news: Baby Girl is WALKING.  Full on.  Only 10 months old and she is taking up to 15 steps in a row.  She's still a little shaky, but she is SO proud of herself!  She starts clapping for herself before she even begins walking and has this HUGE grin on her face the entire time.  I'm so excited for her to be able to keep up with her brother. 

The past four days off have been wonderful.  Every morning, we pull Baby Girl in bed with us to have a bottle and then eventually her big brother comes and joins us.  She gets so excited when he joins us that she starts kicking her legs and jumping all around.  Big Brother is not so excited and really just wants to snuggle sans baby sucking on his nose or stealing his binky.

My husband and I are at war over my son's binky.  Husband thinks is WAY overdue for us to eliminate the binky.  I don't see that it is necessary to have a big fight about it and assume that he will grow out of it when he is ready.  Husband contends that it is impacting Nugget's speech...which very well may be true.  I think this might be a battle I lose.

Off to sleep.  This progesterone makes me want to sleep for 10 hours a night.  I do not know why some people love this stuff (thinking of you, Tippy!).

Red Stuff

This morning, I noticed that the discharge from my suppositories was brownish/reddish.  I have been pretty crampy the past few days.  I've never not made it to at least 15-17 days post retrieval before Aunt Flo decides to make her arrival, but seems she just can't wait this time.  It's only been 9 days post retrieval and 6 days post 3 day transfer, but apparently that's a long enough luteal phase for Aunt Flo.  Sigh.  I had stupid hope for this cycle.  And, I know that people will claim "implantation bleeding!" but I've NEVER had it before and am tired of trying to find reasons to hope.

2 Frozen Embryos

Got the cyro report today.

2 Frozen Blasts.
1 AA, 1 AB

Not bad.  I was secretly hoping that we'd have more.  But, my clinic only freezes top quality embyros and I guess the rest didn't cut the mustard.

So, combined with our one 32-year old embryo in NJ, we have 3 frozen, good/great quality embryos.

If this cycle doesn't work, we'll have to decide whether we want to do an FET or do another fresh cycle.  I'm inclined to do a fresh cycle in December, if possible, as that would completely suck our current insurance plan dry and then do a frozen in January while we wait for approval from our new insurance company.  I don't know if my clinic would be open to doing a natural FET.  A medicated FET is 2 cycles and they typically end up shutting down my ovaries for a couple of months (aka, no bleed, no ovulation) and I don't really want to take that time out.

Sigh, even as I write all this I get tired.  Maybe, if this cycle doesn't work, just do a last FET with all 3 embryos and be done with this.