The hardest aspect of infertility is the loneliness. It is isolating to be so far on the other edge of fertile. 3 failed IVF cycles this year. I know no-one that has come this far or spent this much with nothing to show (other than those of you in the blogosphere). I know that others have talked about the hierarchy of pain and how we tend to diminish others pain if they have not suffered as much or as long as we have. I want to be a bigger person and not be bitter, but it is difficult to be surrounded in a world of people that know nothing of the pain and struggle we have been through this past year. To listen to my friends talk about the timing of their second or third child, while we are dying to have another is agony. If only we could worry about timing.
I have two friends that have gone through fertility treatments (IUIs and IVF) this year and both got pregnant. One friend got pregnant on her second cycle with twins and delivered her healthy baby girls last week. I found out yesterday that the other got pregnant on her first IVF cycle. I am so weary of never getting to the other side. To see them get pregnant and move on with life. While I am still here, still stuck. Still not pregnant.
I want to rid myself of this pain, but I don't know how. I can't run until exhaustion. I can't cry enough tears. It lives in me, this warped bitter chain of thorns around my heart. Pinching every time I breathe.
I'm feeling similarly these days. Hugs - you're not alone.
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I am so sorry. It is just so incredibly unfair. I will never understand why bad things happen to good people like yourself that are so deserving. That has to be incredibly painful to watch someone else's journey from when they started to struggle to now they have children and it understandably stings. I'm not sure if they are supportive of you, but they SHOULD BE. They owe a tremendous amount to you and should KNOW your pain (even if it wasn't endured as long as yours). Everyone I know has been successful with IVF on the 1st or 2nd try and it is very hard when you are the one left behind. Shouldn't the odds be in our favor? Haven't we endured enough?? It is all just so incredibly unfair. Sending you hugs and hope that your time may be just around the corner!
ReplyDeleteSpeaking from the other side, I will say that I feel lucky to have had people cheering me on this time ... but I know, too, how hard it is to be the one everyone always leans on, and to feel like you have no one to lean on yourself. I wish I could make it different ... I have been praying hard for new years' wishes granted for all of the women I know who are waiting. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for all that you have been through *hugs* Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry. Such a Good Egg introduced me to your site since we are on similiar paths. It sucks. How can you possibly put into words for those that haven't been there the heart ache of failing IVF cycles. There are no words just pain. I am sorry you feel left behind. It is the worst feeling in the world. Just try and maintain the positiviness you took from your Cornell phone call. Hugs.
ReplyDeletei'm sorry! i understand. i think sometimes you just have to protect your own emotions and find a way to say no to others. its hard to do though. and somehow misery loves company as well, so when you find new people that are going through this, its easy to relate since they are feeling similar. but it sucks to be left out in the cold. i'm righ there with ya. i've known so many women recently who had their 1st ivf cycle work. it blows.
ReplyDeleteThis is a powerful, beautiful, heartbreaking post.
ReplyDeleteI am finally on the other side, and so very grateful to be here and for the support that helped me get to this pt, but this post still resonates. I think at this point you HAVE to look out for yourself. You can't always be the supporter, the one others lean on. Of course you are a good person who has amazing info to offer, but the emotional toll being a rock for everyone has taken on you—and will continue to take on you—is too much to bear.
If at all possible, can you extricate yourself from this role in the future? Honestly, if these people are going thru IF, they will understand better than anyone else ever could exactly WHY you can't be their cheerleader right now.
I'm thinking of you. And I ditto CW's comment, that Cornell gave you great hope and try—in these darkest, most painful minutes/hours/days—to focus on that sense of hope. We are all rooting for you so hard, and I 100% believe YOU will be on the other side. xoxo
I am so, so sorry you're feeling this way and having to deal with this. It is hard. And no matter whether you know other people who have succeeded or other people who have failed it still feels lonely. I wonder if you have (or can) express to these people who have leaned on you how much you're hurting? I wouldn't necessarily expect them to be able to supply the support you need. But in that case, I might try to protect myself just a little bit by maybe not being quite as available the next time someone comes to you for your 'expertise.' I know that sounds harsh and maybe makes you feel like you're not being a friend, but I think you need to think of yourself first here and be a little protective of yourself. I don't know if that helps at all or whether it's even practical. Thinking of you and hoping things get better.
ReplyDeleteI'm not surprised that your friends have turned to you, as I imagine you to be a wonderful, intelligent, supportive friend. And navigating this stuff is so hard and mysterious with so much of it happening in secrecy, that I'm sure that they clung to you like a port in the storm. (I know I did originally with a friend who now has 2 daughters, but suffered multiple miscarriages before me. I was just so lost.)
ReplyDeleteBut I think you've earned a break from this role. And don't beat yourself up. It is impossible to not hurt, to not feel jealous and bitter and left behind. I'm just so sorry for your pain and sadness, and hope that it eased by some good fortune very soon.
I feel you on this one. What a wonder to plan babies around seasons or jobs or well , anything! I am hoping you had a good holiday despite the tough year.
ReplyDeleteI also have had friends struggle but ultimately succeed within a few tries. It is hard to watch them and feel like your standing on the outside in the cold. I can only hope and pray that we will be let in one day.
ReplyDeleteHey RunningMama! Just wanted to tell you I was thinking of you and hoping you are doing ok. Hugs!
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