Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Please God, Just Kick Me While I'm Down

Let me preface this post by saying that I am a truely awful person.

My sister is pregnant. You know, the one with only 4 antral follicle count and an AMH of 0.3? Whose husband has 3% morphology (just like my husband)? The one that did her first IUI ever, which was also her first cycle of trying to get pregnant because she doesn't ovulate on her own. That sister.

I just want to say THANKS God for kicking me while I'm down. For making me feel for a couple of weeks that I wasn't alone in the world and that our problem was genetic and out of my control. Instead, no. My husband and I are just freaks of nature that can't get pregnant despite having a higher AMH, better antral follicle counts, and trying with all of our hearts for the past 1.5 years to get pregnant.

I wish I could have a better perspective about this. Or, even be happy for my sister that she didn't have to go through the hell we went through.

But, why not me, too? Why do I have to suffer so much?

Now, I feel even more alone than I ever felt before.
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12 comments:

  1. Angela and DavidMarch 23, 2011 at 8:19 AM

    Didn't things go relatively smoothly for you with your IVF for nugget? Maybe your sister is in fact following your exact path.

    I can't imagine how hard this. And it's that much harder because it's your sister. You know you should be and you want to be happy for her, but it further magnifies what you don't have right now.

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  2. SerenityMarch 23, 2011 at 9:43 AM

    You're not awful. Angie and David is right - it just magnifies what you don't have.

    I'm sorry. Hugs.

    xoxo

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  3. Glass Case of EmotionMarch 23, 2011 at 10:46 AM

    You're not a bad person. I understand.

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  4. Justine LMarch 23, 2011 at 11:04 AM

    you are NOT a bad person ... honestly, I'd be surprised if you didn't feel this way. :( *hugs*

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  5. MyTwoLinesMarch 23, 2011 at 11:31 AM

    Oh that is hard to take for sure. I'm so sorry. Maybe we DO need to meet up for drinks tonight!! Actually, totally wish I could but alas we're arriving pretty late and are pretty harried at the moment!
    Hang in there and sending you a big virtual hug!

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  6. KellyMarch 23, 2011 at 12:39 PM

    I'm so sorry you're going through all this. As if dealing with IF on its own isn't enough.

    You're in my thoughts.

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  7. ChonMarch 23, 2011 at 1:53 PM

    ah frack that is bull shit. i know she is your sister but for one moment there you felt better. I am sorry. Nothing can make you feel better. but after a few weeks seeing you sister happy and knowing you will be an aunty (a truely fun job!) will make you feel better. and you are not alone. i have my freak on with you. i have unexplained, great eggs, and constant failure. freak!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  8. cherelliMarch 23, 2011 at 6:10 PM

    Ack. Though I'm with Angela too - you were blessed to have a first child with relative early success in the world of infertility....your sister is likely to face the same difficulties as you when she wants a sibling for her child. I'm sure she's counting her lucky stars; it'll be nice for your son to have a cousin too!

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  9. AFMMarch 23, 2011 at 7:13 PM

    Thats rough, hang in there, some days it is hard just seeing pregnant women let alone being in the same family. Hang in there, thinking of you.

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  10. AnonymousMarch 24, 2011 at 9:10 AM

    OMG! Whoa. Was not expecting that. Sending lots of hugs. I hope your turn is very soon!

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  11. BabystepsMarch 24, 2011 at 3:22 PM

    Oh wow! This is just the thing to keep me thinking... THE GODS MUST BE CRAZY! I am so so sorry. Gah! What crap!

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  12. Infertile FarmerMarch 29, 2011 at 10:07 AM

    I'm not even believing this. I can't even imagine how hurt and mad you must feel. You are not a bad person...you are human. Hang in there, hon.

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