Back in February on Valentine's Day, after our 4th failed cycle, we were at the bottom of our cave of doom. That weekend we didn't leave the house. I didn't shower or change my clothes for 3 days. I could barely get off the couch.
One night my husband and I were huddled in bed trying to find hope for the future. We knew we'd be doing another cycle in March or April and decided that if we got positive results on that cycle, we would do something special for our anniversary in May to celebrate rejoining the land of the living.
That weekend, my husband, ever the optimist, in the midst of some of the darkest days of our lives, made reservations at a resort in WV in hopes that we would have something to celebrate.
And, celebrate we did.
This past weekend we went to said WV resort and hiked and swam and slept and ate and ate and ate and cried and laughed and celebrated the fact that our marriage has survived 7 years now through some of the darkest days in our lives.
It was a bittersweet weekend, though, because I also learned that my sister is pregnant with twins…Remember, the one with the EXACT same diagnosis as us (diminished ovarian reserve and low morphology) on her first try ever at getting pregnant. I know that her experience is unrelated to mine, but part of me can't help but feel like her pregnancy is just a middle finger from God, life, whatever telling me that I'm the infertile, unlucky one. Of course, this is ludicrous given that I am actually pregnant. But, I can't have faith in this pregnancy. I keep expecting something to go wrong, the other shoe to drop, because it has before and why should anything be different now. I feel so terribly guilty that I can't be happy or excited for her, but at the same time I am so angry that she got to benefit from my 2.5 years of infertility hell and got her diagnosis 3.5 years earlier than I did because they had more background information and knew what to look for.
In other news, I had another ultrasound today. Baby looks good: measuring 6 weeks, 6 days (right on target). Heartbeat was 138. One more ultrasound at the clinic next week and then…I get to move to my OBGyn. I also go the clear to start running…although my husband is limiting it until we meet with the OBGyn on June 7th.
hooray for the all clear to run ... even if it's June 7! Your sister is lucky that she got to benefit from your diagnosis ... but there are a lot of people thinking good things for that small life in you right now ... I'll have hope when it's hard you you to have.
ReplyDeleteYour weekend getaway sounds amazing...and so glad you have HUGE reason to celebrate!! So, I totally feel ya on the sister front. My SIL is pregnant (due a month after us) and I had MASSIVE problems with it for the longest time. I have finally started to come to peace with the situation and realize that what everyone was telling me (that it will be so great to have cousins close in age) will be true. There are still moments that I feel like punching someone because of ignorant comments that make me realize just how grateful I am for the pregnancy (and how others totally take it for granted), but for the most part, I have come to peace. I think once you make it past the first trimester and settle in to the pregnancy you will too. but in the meantime, don't feel bad. You are only human and your reaction is totally normal given all you have been through. I truly believe you will be that much more of a loving, giving, appreciative mother because of the tremendous sacrifices you have made to bring your baby here. HUGS!!!
ReplyDeleteI wanted to cry when I read this!! My husband and I went through some very dark days ourselves. I had four miscarriages and when I got pregant with my son I was always in fear of the next shoe dropping. I think it is something that you just go throuh one step at a time. I did have a beautiful baby boy, and then 3 years later after an IUI had a daughter, and then three years later had the surprise of my life with baby number 3!!! He is now 6. I know the hell you have been in, I have been there with my sister too, who seemed to get pregant by looking at her husband, and then stayed pregnant! My thoughts are with you and I look foward to following your journey! So exciting to be moving on to your obgyn, that always felt like such a big step to me!! Yay!! All the best to you!
ReplyDeleteI found you on Voicebokscom and am so glad I did!
Wow. I'm almost speechless. Bless you and your husband for never giving up. I understand your feelings about your sister. When I lost my 4th child it wasn't more than a month later when I found out my sister in law was pregnant. It was gut wrenching.
ReplyDeleteI'm keeping my fingers crossed for your family to just keep increasing.
Hopping over from voiceboks.com
Sharon
www.sharon-moms-madhouse.com
Yay for baby looking good! I know this probably had to be a long and hard road, but I'm hoping for the best for you and your family. Continue celebrating! You've been through a lot.
ReplyDeleteI'm following along from voiceBoks - it's a great community of parents and bloggers, some of whom have probably been in the same boat and can offer encouragement. Hope you can make it over to check us out!
Have a great weekend!
Gina
www.totallyfullofit.com