One would think the only emotion that I should feel would be unadulterated joy. A soundtrack of Etta James "At Last" should be playing on a continuing loop in my head. I should be walking around with a secret smile, rubbing my belly and whispering "thank you, thank you God."
But, I find that my feelings are so much more complicated than that.
I don't want to be played the fool again. I have had hope on each and every cycle that this WOULD BE IT. I would think about how we could finally move forward with our lives, the trips we would take, the home improvement projects we could finally tackle, the people that I could allow to re-enter our lives, the glory of being able to run again.
I have learned that sometimes life doesn't work out like planned.
Sometimes IVF never works. Hard fought for pregnancies don't have a fetal pole, or a beating heart, or miscarry at 9 weeks or 12 weeks or 22 weeks, or die during childbirth, or are born with trisomies, or have autism.
Bad things happen to good people who don't deserve it.
And, for whatever reason (likely due to the prevalence of baser emotions in my character), I am a person that "bad things" happen to. So, why should I feel joy at being pregnant? It will only be taken away from me.
The most disturbing emotion I feel is intense ANGER. I am so ANGRY that we had to go through all of this to get pregnant. I am ANGRY that other people get to have sex and get pregnant. Sure, it may take a few months and GASP they may even have to do some basal body temperature charting...but they get pregnant, on their own, without needles, without a doctor, without waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of their own sobs because they were grieving while sleeping.
And, then I get angry at myself for not APPRECIATING how lucky I am to have gotten to this point. Why can't I just be happy? Why am I bitter? I am one of the lucky ones that finally got IVF to work.
I wish I could go back to a time when my feelings were so less complicated. I fear I will never be that naive person again and that anger and bitterness will be a shadow throughout my life.
I admire your honesty. Getting/being pregnant doesn't make all of the emotions or thoughts that plagued you before go away. Hang in there and I hope you grow into moments where you can enjoy this pregnancy!!
ReplyDeleteYou deserve it!
Well, it's good to be honest and confront all of these feelings so you can try to process them, and hopefully move beyond the anger. More than anything, you deserve some happiness and no one (least of all YOU) wants your anger to prevent you from happy moments (yes, I realize things can turn bad in a millisecond) because you've waited a long time to have this. Maybe just try to find a few moments of peace and happiness every day, and hopefully soon they'll edge out the other feelings.
ReplyDeleteI wish it were easier for you. After our losses, I was sure that I would just be devastated again when I got pregnant. It took until after N. was born for me to fully begin to appreciate her ... though I learned along the way to accept the moments of joy that I could, and to accept myself for feeling as complicated as I did. *hugs* ... hang in there ...
ReplyDeleteThese feeling seem to affect all of us that have struggled to get and stay prengnant. at 26 weeks i'm still terrified that Cookie will be taken away. Hang in there
ReplyDeleteand take care
Sounds like a little PTSD. After my dad died (when I was 11) I basically lived with that kind of thought process until I found a good therapist and grieved. It takes time to trust life again after trauma and loss. It's ok. There is no way you SHOULD feel about anything. Do what you have to do and take it one day at a time. It will get better.
ReplyDeletePS Re your comment: I totally get it. Don't worry about it!
Totally understandable to feel so many mixed emotions! I am so psyched for you! I can't wait to follow your pregnancy :-) :-)
ReplyDeletekuddos for being honest with yourself and your blog world about all the crazy crisscross mixed up feelings pregnancy post-ivf/if bring. ignorance is bliss, and after being around long enough, you just don't have the pregnancy ignorance anymore. but with that knowledge comes a greater appreciation, at least for me, of this even occurring and every day i make it further down this new journey.
ReplyDeleteI thought after all I'd been through I'd be the more joyful, appreciative pregnant person ever. But that's not how it works. The scars don't have time to heal over, and we realise we live in the real world and 'happily ever after' doesn't just appear after joyful news. It's hard.
ReplyDeleteI'm 26 weeks and 5 days. I still check the loo roll each time I go to the toilet for blood. I'm terrified of doing most things in case something bad happens. I get paranoid if I don't feel my boy move - and paranoid if he's moving too much. I wish I could say there's some magic way to make the hurst and pain and stress go away, but there isn't. But there will be some moments of joy amongst all the horror. Not many, but they are precious when they come.
I totally hear ya. I mainly experienced fear, rather than anger after I was pregnant...but they are both related. The point is that infertility and the journey forever scars and changes you. It's not like when you get pregnant you are instantly healed. I just hope that this next chapter brings you more happiness and positives than the last chapters of hell you have been through!
ReplyDeletehaving just read the last year of your posts, this one hit home. obviously you know i'm not pregnant yet, but i bet when i am (if?) i will also be ANGRY. and scared. i took so much for granted when i was pregnant with andra. this time i wonder how i'd survive the 40 weeks without an emotional breakdown.
ReplyDelete