Too Do

I'm a goal-oriented person. And, perhaps a little bit of a perfectionist, type-A personality type. If you've been reading this blog for a while, that's pretty clear.

I was a maniac before Baby Girl was born, running around trying to accomplish everything on my two page to-do list that magically kept expanding every time I crossed something off. I would get one thing done (buy new curtains) and suddenly two more activities appeared on the list (take down old blinds and install new curtains). Trying to complete my to-do list feels like a Sisyphean task never to be completed.

I had hoped that once Baby Girl came that the insanity would stop, but it appears to be something that I am going to have to consciously stop my brain from doing. Because I feel myself wasting this precious time being preoccupied with my to-do's. I thought I had been managing my to-do's well, only allowing myself to focus on 3 tasks each day (today for example: have coffee with a girlfriend, wrap and mail package to friend's twins for their first birthday, and order birth announcements), but that's not even half of what I tried to accomplish today. I also: got Nugget ready for school and dropped him off, went on a walk to mail said package and deposit a check to the bank, buy a new sports bra for my ever growing boobs (C-cup people! these are porn star boobs for me!), nurse every 2-3 hours, respond to blogs, clean up the house, do a load of laundry, get in my 2nd post-partum run, take a shower, do a sitz bath, eat dinner, call 2 friends that I haven't talked to since prior to Baby Girl's birth....etc., etc. I feel a lot of mom guilt because I didn't take ONE picture of Baby Girl in the past 3 days. THREE DAYS people. That's over one-third of her life. I didn't sit on the couch and just stare at her. In fact, I didn't have ONE nursing session where I wasn't doing something else.

I'm using my to do list to hide. If I am re-organizing our medicine closet or updating our photo albums for the first time in 5 months, I am not figuring out the difficult questions:

• Do we want to try for a third child? I have two more cycles of IVF covered and think that I have the emotional and physical capacity to handle the cycles given that I already have my two beautiful lovelies. This decision entails SO MUCH. WHEN do we try for a third child? Do I stop breast-feeding Baby Girl at three months to try and get my period so that I can do a cycle? Do I want to have a third child just to PROVE something? To PROVE that we conquered infertility? Could I have a career if we have three kids? Could I emotionally handle the chaos that comes with three kids? Could I give up trying for a third kid if the two cycles that we have 50% coverage with don't work? Are we getting too old (not necessarily ME, but my husband just turned 38) to have more children? Can we afford three children? Will having three children put me over the edge? Will I not be able to do the things I love if we have three children? If we don't at least TRY for three children, will I regret it? If we have to start trying immediately after Baby Girl is born, will I miss out on the joy of her early life? If I am lucky enough to get pregnant, will she not get the attention and stimulation that she needs? Will I be able to manage three children? Would I be a happier person and better mother to only two children?
• What do I want to DO with my life? Sometimes I just want to give up my career and focus on my two little lovelies and bask myself in full-time motherhood. Other times, I think I would be a better mother if I had a career that I loved or at least some intellectual outlet outside of being a mother. If my current job doesn't provide me with the fulfillment that I desire, what career would? What career or job is important enough to keep me away from my lovelies? But, then again, isn't the sheer importance of HAVING a job and bringing in an income important? Isn't it important to show my children that Mommy has a job and economic viability, too? Can I handle being a full-time mom to two children? Am I crazy to think about leaving my awesome work-life friendly job to pursue some pipe dream of what a career should provide me?
• This is it. This is my life. My one life. Possibly my last time of having a beautiful baby.I may never again get to fall asleep with a little baby nestled in my arms.

My to-do's allow me respite from these thoughts and questions for which I have no answers. I'm not even really sure how to go about figuring out the answers. I wonder: do I need to work with a counselor to talk through these issues or are they questions that I may never determine the answer to and just end up answering by default.

Sigh.