$1,100

We just got a bill in the mail from the NJ clinic where we have one embryo on ice. My husband and I have been going back and forth about what to do with the embryo. I want to continue to freeze it with the intention of using it for a FET sometime this year. I know there is a very high (probably near 99.9%) likelihood that embryo will never turn into a take-home baby. But, I can't give up hope...even though I know it was only a 4-cell on day 3 and the gorgeous blasts that proceded it didn't turn into babies. I just can't give up on it. I don't know why. My intention is to use the last two cycles of IVF that we have 50% coverage for under my insurance, the FET with this last embryo, and...maybe a couple of IUIs (for which we would have 50% coverage) until Jan 2013. At that point....maybe I will want to call it quits. Or, maybe I will switch to a different insurance plan where I would have some coverage again.

In our talks about a third child, I am often drawn to adoption. I've never closed my heart to this option and sometimes feel that we have been given so much in life that we should give back to a child that could use our love. But...sometimes I wonder if we would pass the "inspection" of a home study. We aren't a perfect family or a perfect marriage. I get nervous that we would be found to be insufficient. I don't know whether I am too idealistic and think that adoption would be a beautiful way to CHOSE to end our fertility journey...to chose not to get on the crazy IVF train again. I wish I could say that my husband and I agreed about adoption, but he feels strongly that biological children should be our first choice and we should exhaust that alternative before we turn to adoption if we decide we really want a third child.

Sigh. Every day this is what I think about. It is exhausting. I wish I could just make a decision about our next steps.

Don't worry, though. Every day, I also soak in my smiling girl's face and am so thankful that she is here.