I'm a planner. I like to have goals. A vision for the future.
Somewhere with all the infertility treatments and the inability to plan for ANYTHING because you never know what the next IVF cycle might hold...I lost my ability to commit. Because WHO knows. It's great in that it has allowed me to be more in the moment as it is the only truth I know. But, I worry that my current inability to plan for the future is keeping me in the same holding pattern that I have been in for the past five years with regard to my career.
The big indecision: Do we try again?
This affects a lot of my immediate planning.
Do I start training again?
Do I start thinking about a new career path?
Do I continue to sock away milk like the apocalypse is coming?
Every day I go back and forth.
Some days, I think TWO is the maximum number of kids I can handle.
I don't want to go back to the IVF hole.
I don't want to shoot my body up with drugs.
I don't want to miss any of this precision time with my lovelies.
I don't want to be a failure again.
But. Given the diminished ovarian reserve...time is not on my side. I can't change my mind two years down the road. I might not have any eggs at that point.
Which leaves me making the decision to move forward with IVF as a way to avoid the fear of regret. I've tasted regret. Regret that we didn't start trying for children earlier. Regret that I didn't marry a man with rockin' sperm. Regret that I didn't start trying for #2 sooner after I had Nugget.
And, I've heard people say that having three kids is hard, but not something they regret. Or is that just the politically correct thing to say?
I don't like making a choice out of fear.
But, as I don't know this future me and the challenges in her life...I don't know if she would be mad at me for making a different decision. I want her to be happy...
I also want me to be happy.
And, I want JuJuBean to feel like she got the attention she needed.
There is so much guilt associated with breast milk...I tried to feed my little Nugget for a year...but by 9 months he was kind of checked out. I now have a freezer full of breast milk for baby girl. I estimate that I have 175 5 oz bags at this point...so about enough to last about a month. If I keep pumping 15 oz a day, by the time I reach the end of 4 months I should have enough to get her through 6 months. Is that enough? Or should I breastfeed through 6 months when she starts her solids and then have her drink from the bottle (*if* I can get her to drink from a bottle).
All these stupid calculations.
I freaking just wish that I could just get pregnant like the rest of the world.
And...the worst: what if I stop breastfeeding Baby Girl...only to never have IVF work again.
I feel like I have this irrational belief that we know what works (Day 3!) and if we do that the first time this time...we'll get pregnant. HELLLO?! Did I not learn anything last time? There are no freaking guarantees.
I think all you can do is go with your gut. If it's telling you to do IVF again and you are up for it, better to give it a shot than to regret it.
ReplyDeleteAnd our neighbors have 4 kids. They said that after 2 you barely notice the extra kids. It's just like the volume on your life has been turned up a bit.
I don't envy you making this decision. We knew we were DONE with fertility treatments because they never worked for us. We also knew that two kids was the most we felt we could give proper attention to...not that I think people can't give good attention to more than two, we can't though. I think our age has a lot to do with it too...we're already going to be the old parents, ha!
ReplyDeleteHang in there and trust your gut!
The only thing I can say is that if you decide to go forward with IVF, you HAVE to let go of the guilt of not nursing JuJu Bean until some deadline you had in your head. Like, you need to come to peace with it NOW.
ReplyDeleteBecause reality is that IVF *might* not work out again. It's statistics and the right egg and the right sperm and the right timing of it all. It might work, and it'll be worth it, etc. But it might not either.
And I worry about you. Because you can't give yourself any more fodder for self-blame - you've got enough of it as it is. :)
That said? You do need to go with your gut. If your gut is saying you're not done with kids, then I think you need to go for it. WITHOUT feeling guilty for wanting more.
xoxo
I am a planner and already I have been thinking about #2.
ReplyDeleteI say don't give up your life. We have for so long. But don't give up your dream. Find a way of making them not be mutually exclusive.
After all, fertile people do. xxx
Catching up on posts ... and I'm with Chon. You're right; there are no guarantees. Sometimes you need to go with your heart, but not put your life on hold OR feeling guilty. Easier said than done. But at least let your heart speak. :)
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