I have a good friend that believes in signs, as in "signs from the universe." I wish I believed in signs, but underlying it seems to be that there is a master plan behind one's life. I generally to think life is just a sh*t storm and whatever happens is simply because of random chance and personal decisions rather than some master plan for the universe.
But, right now, I so desperately want a sign. I've been looking into seeing a psychic or getting a life coach or randomly asking really old people about their personal life decisions to desperately try and decide what to do with my life.
Do I quit my job and take some time off to be with Baby Girl while she is so deliciously wonderful?
Do I start up IVF again to try for another child again?
Do I stay in my job because it has IVF coverage? I have 3 cycles of IVF under my current insurance. I could switch insurance in January to K@iser and have 3 more cycles of IVF covered there. That's 6 more cycles. Could I do 6 more cycles?
Do I sign up for cobra insurance coverage for 18 months and give myself just 3 more cycles of IVF coverage?
Do I cut back my hours at work even more so that I have more time with Baby Girl and still have the IVF coverage and just push off the making a decision about my career for another year?
Do I learn to be satisfied with the two beautiful, healthy children we have been blessed to have?
I know this is crazy, but I feel so vulnerable with only two children. I want to be like the Duggars with dozens of children. Plenty of "back-up." It's not even that I want "back-up" for one gender...I want "extras" of both genders. Because how would I survive if my only son died? How would I survive if my only daughter died? The truth is that I would survive. I would live if my children died, but my life wouldn't be as full and my heart would forever ache.
Plenty of people in this world think that two children of each gender is the "King's Family" (a son to leave your kingdom to and a daughter to marry). The perfect family. Why have more?
But, did those people ever lose a child? Did those people ever struggle to have children? Do those people understand how fragile and precious and amazing children are?
Is it natural to desperately want more children when one dies?
Elizabeth Edwards had twins after her 17 year old son Wade died.
John Travolta and Kelly Preston had another child after their son Jett died.
I know you aren't trading a soul for a soul, but maybe there is a primal desire to procreate and to make life after losing a child. I wonder if having another baby is the only salve to recover from losing a child. God, I hope not. Because we may never be able to have another child.
I just need a sign.
Is my longing a sign? Will that just wane with time?
I just can't figure out how to make sense of the pieces of my life anymore.
It's such a tough choice. I know this all too well. I wanted a second child desperately, but called it quits before every having one, and it was HARD. But I knew, in my heart, that it was time to stop. And that's what I tell everyone struggling with the decision of what to do next- you just KNOW when it's time to change your course. I posted a quote on my blog a while back that went something like this- we only change when the pain of staying the same outweighs the pain of change. So true. Best of luck making your decisions... I am not a big believer in signs, either. I wish I could be.
ReplyDeleteAgh, tough on; but this idea of "backups", whilst sounding logical, will not help in much of a way to avoid the pain of losing a child as you will love each of your children so very deeply (is my understanding). At some point I think you have to tuck yourself in, put your helmet on...and carry on with the ride knowing there are risks of pain, suffering, grief AND great joy ahead...what that means for you, I am not sure. I like what Cat says "you will only change course when the pain of staying on the same track OUTWEIGHS the pain of changing"...((hugs)) to you.
ReplyDeleteIt's all so tough, and sometimes I think have too many choices just makes it harder.
ReplyDeleteI'm not really a believer in signs, but I will say that for about a year before our adoption we kept seeing these two baby black deer in our front yard. We have TONS of deer all the time but of course we noticed the two baby black ones because black deer are not that common. They just kept coming back and they were always together. And lo and behold we wound up adopting two babies from Africa.
I like what Cat says too--because for us the pain of continuing treatment was greater than the pain of stopping. We were simply ready to be done. But obviously our pain is completely different from your pain--failing five IVFs doesn't hold a candle to losing a child. I'm so sorry.