Failure

I couldn't believe it.  Two perfectly beautiful 8-cells.  Neither took.  Two different negative pregnancy tests.  Tons of what are typically uniquely pregnant symptoms for me.  Still no period.  I am devastated.  It is like losing Mackenzie all over again.  I can't help but feel that I am a failure.  That we will never get pregnant again.  That something is messed up in my uterus now and I'll never get to hold another baby of my own in my arms.  That my premonition that Josie would be my last child, the last time I would have a full pregnant belly again, was indeed true.  That my heart will never heal from losing Mackenzie and I will always walk around feeling a little more broken, a little bit different from the rest of humanity because my child is dead. 

My arms ache for my baby.  I am so angry to be doing IVF fucking again.  I am so angry to end on such failure.  I am so angry to have to cancel holidays and vacations and suck our financial resources into this.  I am so tired of being in pain and sad and crying and wanting so much to just be like a normal person that can make plans and implement them for my life.

Be gentle with me, dear readers.  Know that I am in a dark, sad place and the perspective that one gets when not depressed and utterly devastated is not here.

Please, tell me.  How will I survive losing my baby?  How will I ever get over losing him if I cannot have another baby? 

Oh, Mackenzie.  I am so sorry I failed you.  I am so sorry I didn't take the doctors more seriously and listen to them when they told me about a support group.  I wish someone had taken me by the shoulders and gently said this is not good, this is very very bad.  No one did that.  I didn't know.  I would have laid in bed and treasured every little moment with you if I truly thought you were going to die.  I would have never freaked out about being pregnant with twins.  I would have been more scared of losing you.  I would have loved you better.  I would have done so many things differently, my dear sweet boy.  I miss you forever.  I wish that Baby Girl and Nugget had gotten to be your big sister and big brother.  They love each other so much.  They would have adored you, too.  Come back, baby, come back and be in my belly.  Come back and be with me.  I love you, little one.  I love you so much.