Double Digits

I can't believe that this in my tenth IVF cycle.  Ninth fresh cycle.  I can't believe this is my life.  I can't believe my baby is dead. I can't believe that I was pregnant.  I can't believe that I started this process for a third child a year ago.  I find that I have little energy to do anything.  Completing one to two tasks a day, such as unloading the dishwasher or running an errand, is all I can seem to muster most days.  I am deeply unmotivated, which is completely unlike me.  I hate it.

In other news, I went to my first support group this week.  At the time, it was reassuring to see other actual human beings that had suffered the same loss, not just people I read about on the internet (no offense).  But, the day after, I had this horrible feeling of shame and embarrassment about talking about myself and our horrible journey with other people. I feel I shared too much, telling them about our IVF journey and losing Mackenzie's twin.  I'm not sure if I did actually share too much or whether I'm just sensitive.  Others in the group told about their child's death, using donor eggs, etc.  But, I just felt raw and open and embarrassed.  I'm not sure I'll go again in the upcoming months as I might have classes with my potential career change.

SO, angry girl, what good news do you have to report?

Baby Girl and Nugget seem to have such a close, happy relationship.  Baby Girl is definitely an extrovert and has to be touching, laying upon, or in very very very close proximity to her big brother at all times.  Nugget is more introverted, but he puts up with her generally.  The poor kid just wants to watch a movie or eat or lay in Mommy's lap and Baby Girl is always wanting to join in the fun.  My favorite moments are watching them in the bath together.  Baby Girl is obsessed with washing Nugget's hair and she will dump water on his head again and again and again and he just lets her.  They play this game in the tub where she tries to hide behind the shower curtain and he pretends he can't see her.  The sound of their laughter echoes through the upstairs, reaching me in my bed where I often lay exhausted.  I don't seem to have the energy to do anything.  But, their tinkling laughter can make me feel that all is well in the world.