I'm 30 weeks now. 7 weeks since I last posted. I have wanted to post, but for some reason, finding the space in my life to do so has been hard. How can this be when I am staying at home and should be having more free time? I have to be honest....I am struggling with staying home. I miss continuous train of thought. I get testy about not being able to accomplish in a day what I would like because instead of just running errands and accomplish tasks I have to take into consideration the needs and wants of a 2 and 5 year old.
We are nearing Mackenzie's birth day. I cannot believe a year of my life is gone. I can't believe it's been a year since he's been alive. I feel more distant from the intense grief of those first few months, but I also feel more distant from myself. I wake up some mornings to nightmares about not knowing who I am anymore or how I happened to find myself living this life. I'm so far from who I thought I was 1, 2, 5, 10, 15 years ago. This isn't what I imagined for myself, for my career, for my family. I feel rudderless and have no life purpose or goals. It's disarming for me, the ultimate planner, to be so adrift. I miss goals and having a vision for the direction I want to head. At this point, my only goal is to have this baby. It's not even a goal that I am that excited about. I feel terrible writing that...but I'm mostly scared. How am I going to handle this? I still don't even really believe the baby is going to come. I have made some progress in getting ready....I washed some of Nugget's clothes and bought a few new things. I bought a bunk bed for Nugget and Baby Girl so that Baby Girl can transition out of her crib to a "big girl bed." I started thinking about baby boy's nursery, but haven't implemented anything. I figure I can keep him in a bassinet for the first couple of months. I should probably pull the bassinet down.
We still have no names for the baby boy. I just don't feel drawn to any names. Suggestions accepted gladly.
Oh phew I am glad you are still out there pregnant! I'm glad time has given you a little relief, don't you think that these early years of child rearing are meant to be a little rudderless? It's easier to let go if you expect chaos...than anticipate routine and direction...knowing that perhaps in 2-3 years you can steer your boat again. I hope the remainder of your pregnancy provides some more positivity as birth draws closer and you can expect to truly meet your next little family member. I love the name "Archer" but my nephew is called that so you can take it if you like it ;) thinking of you, wishing you well.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on making it to 30 weeks! While I'm sure you're conflicted about this, it's a great accomplishment and each week is a big milestone for this baby.
ReplyDeleteI will be thinking of you on April 3....
I'm so glad you're ok. I had been wondering where you went. But it sucks that you're just ok, you know? I so wish you could just be happy about this baby, but I can only imagine how hard that would be, with all you have been through. As for feeling rudderless... Yeah, I get that, only for different reasons. For me, there are no new goals to pursue. My family is, unfortunately, as complete as it's going to be, I'm happily married, and even though I dream of changing careers, at age 41, I'm unlikely to walk away from my job that pays well and is incredibly secure. This isn't what I pictured either, but it is what it is, and damn it, I'm going to make the very best of it!!! Wishing you peace... I hope the fog starts to lift for you once this baby arrives safe and sound. Hang in there, hun.
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