Anniversaries

We are fast approaching Mackenzie's birthday and I find myself getting more and more apprehensive.  I don't want it to have been a year since he died.  Sometimes the pain feels so distant and unfocused and other times I just ache to have my life back the way it was before he died.  I sometimes think unconsciously that this baby in my belly is Mackenzie and not this other baby.  We keep "testing" out names when talking to the baby and none of them feel "right."  None of them are Mackenzie. 

Lately, a lot of small talk is initiated as my belly quite announces itself and is a simple topic of conversation.  I vacillate between telling people this is our third and fourth pregnancy.  Tonight my husband and I went to an event at my son's school and were asked by multiple people how many children we have.  I had told my husband of my problems answering this question, so he answered for me.  "Four." Each time he said it, we would look at each other tears in our eyes, and politely try to steer the topic elsewhere.  And, tonight, I can't sleep thinking about it.

I feel no joy in having this baby.  He mostly reminds me that I should already have a baby.  My husband assures me that once the new baby comes and is healthy and alive that I will feel joy for him.  But, I worry that I won't.  I worry that I will resent him, which is not fair for an innocent.