I am trying not to get frustrated by the breastfeeding process and my own healing...but I am. I really thought that I would be able to go on walks by now, but the netherlands still hurt when standing more than 30 minutes. I am wondering if things are not healing correctly and the only "official" guidance my doctor will give me is that they do not recommend exercising for 4-6 weeks after delivery. This is an interminably long time and I am going stir crazy. My breast-feeding/pumping schedule further compounds my frustration.
Because Nathan is so small and I have flat nipples, we have not been able to get him to latch on. I have been working with a lactation consultant dubbed the "Breast Whisperer" for her success in getting babies to breastfeed. Her Rx has been for me to feed Nathan with a syringe through a nipple shield. This takes about 40 minutes. Then, I pump for 20 minutes and, in an hour, I pump again for 15-20 minutes to build my milk supply. My milk came in on Sunday. I can now produce up to 3 oz of milk total when I have at least 3 hours between pumping, but I typically produce between 1.5 and 2 oz. Nathan is being fed breast milk only. In addition, I try to have skin to skin contact with him as much as possible. This has increased my supply tremendously, but leaves me limited in what I can do and where I can go. The Milk Whisperer said that this week is critical for building up my milk supply so I am trying to put forth my best effort.
My mom has been staying with me as my husband went back to work on Monday. I don't know how I could make it through this week without her. She is a cleaning, cooking dirvish. I have been eating so well since she was here. She's made all of her staples...split pea soup, vegetable soup, chicken noodle soup, banana bread, beef stroganoff, chicken marsala, etc. I dread the lack of variety my diet will have once she leaves.
Other than that, I have been trying to enjoy Nathan and establish some sort of routine. I feel myself becoming depressed and grouchy, though. Exercise has always been a mood regulator for me and the only way I made it through the last four weeks of my pregnancy and not running was the knowledge that as soon as I had him, I could start exercising and running again. To not be able to do so is extremely upsetting. I am trying not to get into the "woe is me" mode...but it does seem like this whole pregnancy process has been difficult. Difficulty getting pregnant, growing a healthy size baby, having the baby, breastfeed, etc. I am tired of the struggle. I try to remind myself that these struggles are minor issues...there could have been something really wrong with Nathan, but a cloud of negativity seems to hover over me.
P.S. The only thing going well...I got on the scale and I am back to my pre-pregnancy weight give or take a pound.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Monday, November 10, 2008
Getting the Hang of Things
I had the realization this morning that I am starting "to get the hang of things." In the past two days, Nathan has started to be really vocal about when he wants to eat. Because of all the gear that we have to set up, it takes me five minutes from when he first starts giving me his visual cues (restlessness, rooting) that he needs to eat for me to be ready for him, which usually means he is good and angry when I finally get to feed him. But, I have learned a number of short-cuts and tricks to make the process easier. My biggest revelation today was that I can use a big bib to keep his hands from knocking the nipple shield off.
Other things I am learning:
Also...I finally had a successful "bathroom" experience and it wasn't so bad.
Other things I am learning:
- Stay calm when the baby is crying. While the noise itself is upsetting, the baby is communicating in the only way he knows. I will serve his needs as soon as I can and he will survive until I get to them. I have to say, though...I am happy to hear him crying. We had to practically dump him in water to get him to wake up the first three days!
- I NEVER thought that I would be a co-sleeper...it's just not safe...I always kind of viewed people that did co-sleeping as weak...but now I understand...it is the BEST feeling in the world! When I was in the hospital the first few days, they told me to give him as much skin contact as possible because he wasn't eating, which translated into me sleeping with him on my chest. I love having him snuggle up under my chin. I should put him in the basinette...but maybe I'll just wait until he has the breastfeeding down....
- My lefty produces TWICE as much milk as the righty?! I only make about 1.5 oz per 20 minute pumping. He needs about 2-3 oz to stay full, so I will have to work on increasing my production. Ironically, my righty has a better nipple for sucking.
Also...I finally had a successful "bathroom" experience and it wasn't so bad.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Friday, November 7, 2008
Announcing Nugget!!
Hello!
Nugget was born Wednesday, November 5, 2008 at 7:59 AM at 6 lbs 5oz and 19.5 inches after 30 hours of labor with an Apgar scores of 8 and 9.
This moment--12:21 am--is the FIRST moment that I have had to sit in front of a computer or to myself since I last posted.
The events over the past few days have made the phrase "it takes a village to raise a child" mean more than I could have ever possibly imagined. I would not have been able to make it through this experience without my husband, my family, and some great nurses.
I am torn as to how honest I should be about his birth, but as I am a person that cannot put up a positive front for "maintaining appearances," I won't lie. It was the single most awful, painful, terrible experience of my life. I don't know that I will ever have a baby again after this experience.
*Proceed only beyond this point if you really want the nitty gritty details of a birth that was less than ideal*
After going into labor around 2:30 am on November 4th, I labored at home for a couple of hours and then went in to my midwife's office around 9 to see how far I had progressed. She found me to be only 1 cm dilated and told me to come back to the office at 3pm to see how I had progressed. I labored at home with contractions coming every 3 minutes and lasting 1-2 minutes. On a scale of 1-2 the pain was a 6. We went in to the office at 2 because the contractions were coming so frequently. The midwife did an internal exam and found that I had only dilated to 2 cm. So, I went back home again, called our doula, and labored at home until 7 pm when the contractions were coming every 1-2 minute and VERY painful. I labored at home in the shower for a while. The doula thought that I should be at least 5 cm dilated. The midwife found me to be only 3 cm dilated at 7pm after 17.5 hours of laboring. So, I labored at the hospital until 12:30 am and got another internal exam and was only 4 cm dilated. At this point, I had been laboring for 20 hours and was exhausted. The contractions were so painful that the only position that I could stand was to be on my knees lying over a birthing ball or standing. My legs were so exhausted that they quaked. The midwife, concerned about my ability to continue, put me on Nubain, a drug that was supposed to allow me to sleep and would hopefully allow me to rest for two hours. Unfortunately, Nubain just made me feel disoriented, but I still had the painful cramps and did not rest at all. After the Nubain wore off at 2:30 am, I had been in labor for 24 hours and had only progressed 5 cm. At that point, I was exhausted and unable to conceive of going through 5 more cm PLUS labor and so we decided to get an epidural. I felt like a total failure and a wimp and really beat myself up for the first day after I had him for not being able to do it naturally, but I knew that there is no way I could have done it. From 2:30 am to 5:30 am on the epidural, I progressed the final 5 cm. At 5:30 am, I started pushing. Nathan Kian was born 2.5 hours later at 7:59 am. It was the longest 2.5 hours of my life. It was 100x worse than the pain of running a marathon and much worse than the pain of contractions. I ended up having to get an episiotomy and have level 3 rectal tears. After giving birth, they laid the baby on me, but I was in too much pain and shock to even notice him. I was screaming "no more pain" and telling the doctor not to "touch a damn thing" until they got me on more pain meds. They had to wait 20 minutes for an anesthesiologist to come administer more drugs before I let them stich me up. It was an awful way to greet my son into the world. I couldn't even stand having him lying on me. I told them to take him away. After they gave me more pain meds and stitched me up, I held him for a bit, but I really didn't get to hold or see him again until 5 hours later after the drugs had worn off.
In the end, Nathan is a happy, healthy baby. No chromosomal problems, just very small. He is in the 5th percentile for his size. He is TOTALLY adorable...in my unbiased opinion. As I have time in the next few days, I will post pictures. They say that holding the baby in your arms takes away all the pain...and it does. The world melts away when I hold him. I could stare at him for hours.
We are having problems breastfeeding because he is so small that his mouth can't latch. So, I am tricking him into think that he is feeding by feeding him through a tube through a nipple guard and while sucking on a finger. I am also pumping my collustrum. Hopefully my milk will come in the next day or two. I have been trying not to feel guilty about "failing" at a natural childbirth and breastfeeding. I went to a great lactation consultant today that told me that I was doing everything perfectly, my breasts were fine, etc., but that Nathan's mouth was just too small and that he is a lazy feeder. She hopes that once I get more food in him he will get better at latching.
The other problem that I am having is that I am severely constipated and have no control of my rectal muscles and can't figure out how to go to the bathroom. My doctor never mentioned that this would be a problem and I just spent the past hour crying on the toilet because I don't know how to get the poop out other than trying to scoop it out with my finger, which is disgusting and I refuse to do. I have been taking stool softeners for the past several days, but apparently it isn't enough. I will call my doctor tomorrow, but if any of you know anyone that might have some suggestions, please let me know.
Nugget was born Wednesday, November 5, 2008 at 7:59 AM at 6 lbs 5oz and 19.5 inches after 30 hours of labor with an Apgar scores of 8 and 9.
This moment--12:21 am--is the FIRST moment that I have had to sit in front of a computer or to myself since I last posted.
The events over the past few days have made the phrase "it takes a village to raise a child" mean more than I could have ever possibly imagined. I would not have been able to make it through this experience without my husband, my family, and some great nurses.
I am torn as to how honest I should be about his birth, but as I am a person that cannot put up a positive front for "maintaining appearances," I won't lie. It was the single most awful, painful, terrible experience of my life. I don't know that I will ever have a baby again after this experience.
*Proceed only beyond this point if you really want the nitty gritty details of a birth that was less than ideal*
After going into labor around 2:30 am on November 4th, I labored at home for a couple of hours and then went in to my midwife's office around 9 to see how far I had progressed. She found me to be only 1 cm dilated and told me to come back to the office at 3pm to see how I had progressed. I labored at home with contractions coming every 3 minutes and lasting 1-2 minutes. On a scale of 1-2 the pain was a 6. We went in to the office at 2 because the contractions were coming so frequently. The midwife did an internal exam and found that I had only dilated to 2 cm. So, I went back home again, called our doula, and labored at home until 7 pm when the contractions were coming every 1-2 minute and VERY painful. I labored at home in the shower for a while. The doula thought that I should be at least 5 cm dilated. The midwife found me to be only 3 cm dilated at 7pm after 17.5 hours of laboring. So, I labored at the hospital until 12:30 am and got another internal exam and was only 4 cm dilated. At this point, I had been laboring for 20 hours and was exhausted. The contractions were so painful that the only position that I could stand was to be on my knees lying over a birthing ball or standing. My legs were so exhausted that they quaked. The midwife, concerned about my ability to continue, put me on Nubain, a drug that was supposed to allow me to sleep and would hopefully allow me to rest for two hours. Unfortunately, Nubain just made me feel disoriented, but I still had the painful cramps and did not rest at all. After the Nubain wore off at 2:30 am, I had been in labor for 24 hours and had only progressed 5 cm. At that point, I was exhausted and unable to conceive of going through 5 more cm PLUS labor and so we decided to get an epidural. I felt like a total failure and a wimp and really beat myself up for the first day after I had him for not being able to do it naturally, but I knew that there is no way I could have done it. From 2:30 am to 5:30 am on the epidural, I progressed the final 5 cm. At 5:30 am, I started pushing. Nathan Kian was born 2.5 hours later at 7:59 am. It was the longest 2.5 hours of my life. It was 100x worse than the pain of running a marathon and much worse than the pain of contractions. I ended up having to get an episiotomy and have level 3 rectal tears. After giving birth, they laid the baby on me, but I was in too much pain and shock to even notice him. I was screaming "no more pain" and telling the doctor not to "touch a damn thing" until they got me on more pain meds. They had to wait 20 minutes for an anesthesiologist to come administer more drugs before I let them stich me up. It was an awful way to greet my son into the world. I couldn't even stand having him lying on me. I told them to take him away. After they gave me more pain meds and stitched me up, I held him for a bit, but I really didn't get to hold or see him again until 5 hours later after the drugs had worn off.
In the end, Nathan is a happy, healthy baby. No chromosomal problems, just very small. He is in the 5th percentile for his size. He is TOTALLY adorable...in my unbiased opinion. As I have time in the next few days, I will post pictures. They say that holding the baby in your arms takes away all the pain...and it does. The world melts away when I hold him. I could stare at him for hours.
We are having problems breastfeeding because he is so small that his mouth can't latch. So, I am tricking him into think that he is feeding by feeding him through a tube through a nipple guard and while sucking on a finger. I am also pumping my collustrum. Hopefully my milk will come in the next day or two. I have been trying not to feel guilty about "failing" at a natural childbirth and breastfeeding. I went to a great lactation consultant today that told me that I was doing everything perfectly, my breasts were fine, etc., but that Nathan's mouth was just too small and that he is a lazy feeder. She hopes that once I get more food in him he will get better at latching.
The other problem that I am having is that I am severely constipated and have no control of my rectal muscles and can't figure out how to go to the bathroom. My doctor never mentioned that this would be a problem and I just spent the past hour crying on the toilet because I don't know how to get the poop out other than trying to scoop it out with my finger, which is disgusting and I refuse to do. I have been taking stool softeners for the past several days, but apparently it isn't enough. I will call my doctor tomorrow, but if any of you know anyone that might have some suggestions, please let me know.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Future Voter...and could this be it??
So, yesterday and Sunday I have been feeling exhausted. I tried to go to bed at 7 pm last night and my husband teased me....I ended up barely staying awake until 9. Then, I woke up this morning at 2:30 a.m. with some pretty strong contractions that seemed to be different from the Braxton Hicks contractions. They hurt more in my pubic area and my back and crescendo up and down in intensity. I haven't been having them at a very consistent rate...about one every five minutes now. And, when I went to the bathroom around 4, there was just a bit of bloody mucous. I had a lot more bloody mucous around 7 when I took a shower. I called my midwife and I am going to go in around 8 to get checked out. My hubby and I had sex last night so I wonder if that might have brought on the contractions. We'll see if it lasts!
Oh--the best part....my husband and I went to vote this morning and they let me cut to the front of the line because I was having contractions. After I voted they gave me a "I voted" sticker and a "Future voter" sticker! Ha!
Update: went to the dr. and am 1 cm dilated...will come back this afternoon to see how things are progressing. Woohoo! I just took a benedryl and am going to get some sleep!
Oh--the best part....my husband and I went to vote this morning and they let me cut to the front of the line because I was having contractions. After I voted they gave me a "I voted" sticker and a "Future voter" sticker! Ha!
Update: went to the dr. and am 1 cm dilated...will come back this afternoon to see how things are progressing. Woohoo! I just took a benedryl and am going to get some sleep!
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Baby Nursery Pictures
So, I don't really have a "theme" for the baby's nursery, but I love books and hope that he does too....so I got prints from "Where the Wild Things Are" and "Babar." I particularly love the "Where the Wild Things Are" print...I spent about as much on getting it framed as I spent on the crib! The phrase "Let the Wild Rumpus Start" really captured my heart in terms of how I feel about this pregnancy and having a little baby boy...it will be a wild ride and I am so excited for it to begin.
Waiting waiting waiting
So, I am trying to not be anxious about evicting the little one...but hellooo....I AM READY FOR YOU TO COME OUT!!!
Went to the midwife yesterday and she said the specialist is STILL recommending that I be induced before 40 weeks. While I am ready to meet the little guy, I also want to try to do this naturally and don't want to induce. I don't understand why they would still want to induce if he is out of the IUGR range. I asked my midwife to find out why he would still want to induce and, if so, whether we could wait until week 41. It doesn't seem necessary at this point. We're going to measure him again next Thursday and see if his growth has continued. I guess at that point we'll have a *real* conversation about inducing.
Went to the midwife yesterday and she said the specialist is STILL recommending that I be induced before 40 weeks. While I am ready to meet the little guy, I also want to try to do this naturally and don't want to induce. I don't understand why they would still want to induce if he is out of the IUGR range. I asked my midwife to find out why he would still want to induce and, if so, whether we could wait until week 41. It doesn't seem necessary at this point. We're going to measure him again next Thursday and see if his growth has continued. I guess at that point we'll have a *real* conversation about inducing.
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