As I've said before, I'm a glass half-empty kind of gal. I've tried fighting it, denying it, manipulating it, but you know what? I am. If I can accept this about myself and try to force my mind to recognize that my worldview is slightly tainted, then maybe I can intellectually broaden my perspective. For, oh, the past three years, my inner dialogue is pretty much a neverending loop of: "woe is me, why did this have to happen to me, why did I get to fall in love with the guy with crappy sperm, why does this get to be so easy for EVERYONE else and not me."
And, just yesterday, I got to thinking...what if I'm actually pretty d@mn lucky?
Let me count the ways:
Exhibit A: I already have a beautiful boy who is HEALTHY.
Exhibit B: I actually have *some* insurance coverage to pay for infertility. There are lots of people that don't have this option.
Exhibit C: We are in a position financially to be able to pay for fertility treatments and can continue doing it (although at great cost to our retirement and savings) for as many cycles as I can stomach.
Exhibit D: I have a low-stress work environment that is completely supportive and understanding of all my doctor's appointments and my distractedness when distressed by infertility.
Exhibit E: I have a couple of close friends that have experienced or are currently experiencing infertility, so I'm not in this all alone.
Exhibit F: I'm relatively young.
Exhibit G: I have a husband who loves me and does the best he can to support me through this process.
Not too shabby, eh?
I'm trying to figure out how many tries we will give this before we move on to adoption/donor egg/donor sperm/surrogate. I think I can take two to three more cycles and then will need to reconsider, but I'm working on taking things one day at a time.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
A World Tour of Reproductive Endocrinologists
OK, maybe "world tour" is a little bit of an exaggeration. I did go to three different RE's this past week. After doing more research on the antagonist strategy (2 weeks birth control pills, ganirelix) suggested by the doctor I saw last week, I am not convinced of its success after doing ever-useful on-line research. I tend to cleave to routine and familiarity and sometimes have a hard time trying something new.
We had a WTF appointment on Wednesday at our clinic. Dr. A-hole was too busy to talk to us, so we met with the other doctor at the clinic. Arms crossed, I entered the meeting expecting not to get any answers and only given excuses for the repeated failures. But, Dr. B was actually very insightful. He walked us through his perception of our infertility history and compared our two IVF cycles so as to identify the factors he thought may have contributed to the success with our son's cycle and failure this most recent round. He identified slower growth of the follicles, which meant more drugs and longer stimming, possibly decreasing the quality of the eggs. He suggested that we complete additional diagnostic testing to determine whether there were any other factors impacting implantation. Additionally, he suggested a new drug protocol which has been found to be more successful with low responders (lupron flare). Of all the doctors I met with, I thought he was the most circumspect in terms of analyzing whether other factors may be impacting the lack of implantation and in the description of why this cycle may not have been successful. He didn't suggest donor eggs (which the dr last week has suggested). He said that the best predictor of IVF success is prior success and emphasized that I am young compared to most fertility patients. So, I decided that we will do one more cycle with this clinic. I started taking estrogen today and will take progesterone in two weeks to "fake" my body into thinking it has had a cycle. We didn't want to repeat the 60+ day cycle I had this summer after my failed FET. So, looks like I'll be doing another cycle in October.
I am trying to find Hope again. Most of the past week has been spent in tears. I'm so afraid that this won't work for us and that I will never get to experience the wonder of a baby moving in my belly or those first few sweet days with this small creature nuzzled against my neck. I've been pestering my husband about how many cycles we will do before we give up and he said that we will do it until we run out of money. My parents have offered to pay for a cycle, so we'll keep that in our back pocket for a later point. I have two more cycles that are covered 50% under my insurance company. I am also going to look into whether any other insurance companies my organization offers have infertility coverage (the last time I checked 3 years ago, my insurance company was the only one that offered minimal coverage).
Ironically, Nugget has found a new word: "happy." How do I define this word to him when I find it to be so elusive?
We had a WTF appointment on Wednesday at our clinic. Dr. A-hole was too busy to talk to us, so we met with the other doctor at the clinic. Arms crossed, I entered the meeting expecting not to get any answers and only given excuses for the repeated failures. But, Dr. B was actually very insightful. He walked us through his perception of our infertility history and compared our two IVF cycles so as to identify the factors he thought may have contributed to the success with our son's cycle and failure this most recent round. He identified slower growth of the follicles, which meant more drugs and longer stimming, possibly decreasing the quality of the eggs. He suggested that we complete additional diagnostic testing to determine whether there were any other factors impacting implantation. Additionally, he suggested a new drug protocol which has been found to be more successful with low responders (lupron flare). Of all the doctors I met with, I thought he was the most circumspect in terms of analyzing whether other factors may be impacting the lack of implantation and in the description of why this cycle may not have been successful. He didn't suggest donor eggs (which the dr last week has suggested). He said that the best predictor of IVF success is prior success and emphasized that I am young compared to most fertility patients. So, I decided that we will do one more cycle with this clinic. I started taking estrogen today and will take progesterone in two weeks to "fake" my body into thinking it has had a cycle. We didn't want to repeat the 60+ day cycle I had this summer after my failed FET. So, looks like I'll be doing another cycle in October.
I am trying to find Hope again. Most of the past week has been spent in tears. I'm so afraid that this won't work for us and that I will never get to experience the wonder of a baby moving in my belly or those first few sweet days with this small creature nuzzled against my neck. I've been pestering my husband about how many cycles we will do before we give up and he said that we will do it until we run out of money. My parents have offered to pay for a cycle, so we'll keep that in our back pocket for a later point. I have two more cycles that are covered 50% under my insurance company. I am also going to look into whether any other insurance companies my organization offers have infertility coverage (the last time I checked 3 years ago, my insurance company was the only one that offered minimal coverage).
Ironically, Nugget has found a new word: "happy." How do I define this word to him when I find it to be so elusive?
Monday, September 6, 2010
Friday, September 3, 2010
Adding Insult to Injury
Chicken Little likes planning because it makes her feel in control.
With the upcoming test results, I knew that I had to come up with a strategy for how I was going to handle a negative test result. My threshold for dealing with my doctor's nasty attititude has finally reached its limit. If I am going to have to do IVF again, I am going to do it with a different doctor, a different clinic, and a different milieu. I have too many negative associations with current Doctor Nasty.
So, today I met with a new doctor and we laid out a plan for how we'd deal with a negative. The changes that we would make to the protocol to address my lack of response to the meds (6 and 9 eggs is not very many). While he was reviewing my bloodwork and prior cycles, he mentioned casually that I had diminished ovarian reserve. WHAT? Looking at bloodwork I had done in September 2007 and April 2010, it looks like I don't have too many eggs left in there. WOW. Wouldn't that have been nice of SOMEONE (I'm looking at you Dr. Nasty?!) to mention at some point? Perhaps we would have been more aggressive. The new Dr. said he wasn't worried about it because I was "young" and have evidence of making "good" eggs. He said if I was "old" and made "poor quality" eggs, then it would be more of an issue.
He asked me if I knew that I could do a home pregnancy test at day 8 post 5 day transfer (today) and find out if it worked...I said yes, but that I wasn' strong enough to handle the answer right now.
He is confident that we can get pregnant through IVF and that we do not have to use donor sperm, eggs, or embryos.
Whatever Monday may bring, I have a plan. And, hopefully, I'll be able to meet my goal of getting pregnant in 2010.
With the upcoming test results, I knew that I had to come up with a strategy for how I was going to handle a negative test result. My threshold for dealing with my doctor's nasty attititude has finally reached its limit. If I am going to have to do IVF again, I am going to do it with a different doctor, a different clinic, and a different milieu. I have too many negative associations with current Doctor Nasty.
So, today I met with a new doctor and we laid out a plan for how we'd deal with a negative. The changes that we would make to the protocol to address my lack of response to the meds (6 and 9 eggs is not very many). While he was reviewing my bloodwork and prior cycles, he mentioned casually that I had diminished ovarian reserve. WHAT? Looking at bloodwork I had done in September 2007 and April 2010, it looks like I don't have too many eggs left in there. WOW. Wouldn't that have been nice of SOMEONE (I'm looking at you Dr. Nasty?!) to mention at some point? Perhaps we would have been more aggressive. The new Dr. said he wasn't worried about it because I was "young" and have evidence of making "good" eggs. He said if I was "old" and made "poor quality" eggs, then it would be more of an issue.
He asked me if I knew that I could do a home pregnancy test at day 8 post 5 day transfer (today) and find out if it worked...I said yes, but that I wasn' strong enough to handle the answer right now.
He is confident that we can get pregnant through IVF and that we do not have to use donor sperm, eggs, or embryos.
Whatever Monday may bring, I have a plan. And, hopefully, I'll be able to meet my goal of getting pregnant in 2010.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Chicken Little
I have been a little Chicken Littlish of late...or perhaps my whole life. I've always had a flair for melodrama and tend to always be the "cup half empty" kind of gal. Thank goodness I married a delusionally optimistic ballast so that between our two temperments we sail with some semblence of realism and stability.
On Monday, I had some bloodwork done and it indicated that my estrogen levels had decreased and the nurse prescribed some Estrogen. When I asked the nurse whether this was an indication that the cycle hadn't worked, she said that she would have my doctor call me to discuss, which only fueled my "sky is falling" premonitions. Of course, as soon as I got off the phone, my busy little fingers dashed to Dr. Google whose typical doom and gloom diagnosis confirmed my worst fears. To further fuel the fire, the doctor was dismissive of my concerns and refused to either confirm or deny that this was an indication that the cycle didn't work.
Commence with approximately three hours of crying. (One hour of which was behind closed blinds in my office...very professional, eh?)
Once my hubby got home to watch Nugget, I dragged up my files from my first IVF cycle and found that my estrogen levels had a similar drop and I was prescribed estrogen then, too. And, we know how that worked out (yeah, Nugget!).
For the remainder of the cycle, I am going to do my best NOT to think about it...not to analyze every little thing:
I.e., do my boobs hurt? I think so. Maybe my bra is too tight. No, they definitely feel different. But, do they hurt? No, it's more of just a "feeling" but not necessarily pain. Let's squeeze them. Nope, that didn't hurt. But, are my nipples different? A little darker? Sigh.
Hmm, I feel a little winded coming up the stairs. Maybe I'm pregnant? Or, maybe I'm just out of shape.
Oooh. I'm kind of crampy today. Period crampy. It didn't work. It's over.
Only five more days until I let myself take a pregnancy test.....
On Monday, I had some bloodwork done and it indicated that my estrogen levels had decreased and the nurse prescribed some Estrogen. When I asked the nurse whether this was an indication that the cycle hadn't worked, she said that she would have my doctor call me to discuss, which only fueled my "sky is falling" premonitions. Of course, as soon as I got off the phone, my busy little fingers dashed to Dr. Google whose typical doom and gloom diagnosis confirmed my worst fears. To further fuel the fire, the doctor was dismissive of my concerns and refused to either confirm or deny that this was an indication that the cycle didn't work.
Commence with approximately three hours of crying. (One hour of which was behind closed blinds in my office...very professional, eh?)
Once my hubby got home to watch Nugget, I dragged up my files from my first IVF cycle and found that my estrogen levels had a similar drop and I was prescribed estrogen then, too. And, we know how that worked out (yeah, Nugget!).
For the remainder of the cycle, I am going to do my best NOT to think about it...not to analyze every little thing:
I.e., do my boobs hurt? I think so. Maybe my bra is too tight. No, they definitely feel different. But, do they hurt? No, it's more of just a "feeling" but not necessarily pain. Let's squeeze them. Nope, that didn't hurt. But, are my nipples different? A little darker? Sigh.
Hmm, I feel a little winded coming up the stairs. Maybe I'm pregnant? Or, maybe I'm just out of shape.
Oooh. I'm kind of crampy today. Period crampy. It didn't work. It's over.
Only five more days until I let myself take a pregnancy test.....
Friday, August 27, 2010
Meet JoJo and Charlie!
Embryo transfer went WONDERFULLY yesterday! All four embryos made it to Day 5, although one of them wasn't looking so hot. So, we transferred two (eee...twins?!) and are waiting until Day 7 to see how the 3rd and 4th look. At that point, we will make a decision about freezing. It's so difficult because I believe that these celled organizations have the potential to be humans and, therefore, am loathe to do anything to eliminate them. But, it is an additional $2k to freeze and store them for later. Given our lack of success with the other frozen embryo transfer, I'd rather put our $$ toward another IVF round if this one doesn't work. Our IVF money tree is running out of funds.
When we did IVF with Nugget, we named them and would talk to them every night (we transferred 2 day-3 embryos then, too)...telling them what great parents we would be, how much we would love to have them stay, the fun things we would do together, etc. So, we're doing the same with our little JoJo and Charlie this round.
Let's hope one or both sticks!!
When we did IVF with Nugget, we named them and would talk to them every night (we transferred 2 day-3 embryos then, too)...telling them what great parents we would be, how much we would love to have them stay, the fun things we would do together, etc. So, we're doing the same with our little JoJo and Charlie this round.
Let's hope one or both sticks!!
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Better than expected!
They managed to get 9 eggs of which 8 were mature and 5 fertilized. So, we're not too far behind where we were with Nugget (6 eggs, 6 fertilized). Now it's a waiting game to see how many make it 3 days in the petri dish. We have to decide whether we want to do a 3 day transfer (downside: can't really tell which embryos are best; upside: sometimes embryos do better in the human incubator than the petri dish) or 5 day transfer (downside: embryos may not make it to day 5; upside: better chance of success--70% versus 45%). Am going to talk to the doctor tomorrow.
The retrieval itself was painful; I was supposed to be completely under, but I could feel everything. After the procedure was over, the nurse asked if I remembered saying "ow ow ow ow" repeatedly. To which I said, YES because I could feel every-d@mn-thing. At that point, I was too groggy to push the point. There's a mild ache when I stand up, so I've been on bedrest the past two days and watching lots of crappy movies. Oddly, I'm more swollen after the procedure. You'd think with all those eggies out of me that I'd have less of a gut. Sigh. Just a little bleeding off and on, but nothing major. Thankfully, the worst is over in terms of physical pain. Now I just have to wait: the worst part psychologically.
The retrieval itself was painful; I was supposed to be completely under, but I could feel everything. After the procedure was over, the nurse asked if I remembered saying "ow ow ow ow" repeatedly. To which I said, YES because I could feel every-d@mn-thing. At that point, I was too groggy to push the point. There's a mild ache when I stand up, so I've been on bedrest the past two days and watching lots of crappy movies. Oddly, I'm more swollen after the procedure. You'd think with all those eggies out of me that I'd have less of a gut. Sigh. Just a little bleeding off and on, but nothing major. Thankfully, the worst is over in terms of physical pain. Now I just have to wait: the worst part psychologically.
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