No updates in a while because I have been recovering from a full family plague of the stomach flu....
The only thing worse than having the stomach flu is having a husband and small child suffering at the same time!! Let's just say there was a lot of television watching going on...I think we watched every Christmas show out there. And, I've had a very healthy diet consisting of cookies, pizza, and bread for the past few days. I have to get back on the leafy, green vegetables and fruit train again soon. And, maybe a little exercising again once I stop feeling dizzy when I climb one flight of stairs.
Sher Institute Consult:
Last Monday, I spoke with an RE from the Sher Institute. He spend over an hour discussing my prior IVF cycles and explaining immune testing. He indicated that he thought we should definitely have immune testing done as we had repeat IVF failures. When I asked how we could have immune issues after successfully conceiving my son, he said that the body is not a static and, just as women become hypothyroid after their first child, so can our body change in terms of immunity. I would like to get the testing done...which would be approximately $1 K, but I can't seem to convince my husband to sign on. He doesn't think we should persue this avenue as we don't have repeated losses or any family history of immunologic diseases. Plus, this is just getting expensive. Between therapy, accupuncture, and adoption stuff, we've dropped nearly $2K this month...and we still have all these upcoming fertility cycles to pay for...My motto is generally "better safe than sorry," so we're at a bit of an impasse.
RMA Consult:
Our meeting with RMA last week was...unsuprising. Of course, he agreed with our prior RE that there was no reason to suspect implantation issues, immune issues, or other hormone issues. He believes that we may have a genetic issue and wants us to do the antagonist protocol. Due to my low antral follicle count (9 as of last Thurs), he doesn't think I'll ever be a big responder to meds and shouldn't expect more than 9-10 eggs retrieved, which of course lowers my chances of finding a viable embryo. He attributes embryo quality issues to the egg and said that--aside from age--the biggest differential in producing good eggs is improving the protocol. He said that his clinic has an 80% implantation rate for eggs that are genetically viable. He wants us to have one natural cycle and then would put me on BCP for 1-3 weeks and then start the stimming. He doesn't believe in immune issues, thought my HSG looked good, and said that genetic issues such as chromosomal translocation and the such are typically characterized by repeat pregnancy loss, which I don't have. I did like the way that the clinic was run and can do most of my monitoring down here at my local clinic. Also, he said that I shouldn't have my heart rate go over 130bpm during exercise while cycling...which basically means slow walking. My old RE said that I could continue running below 20 MPW as well as other exercise. He said the biggest problem with exercise is that it increases your body core temperature. He said that I could swim, which would increase my heart rate, but wouldn't matter because my body core temperature would remain low. Also, they are strong supporters of laser accupuncture and have an on-site clinic that will do accupuncture prior to retrieval and transfer. It's $200...so I'm definitely signing up.
The RE poo-poo'd many of the studies I cited from Sher...saying that they weren't based on statistically sound studies. He doesn't believe in immune issues or that too much testosterone (androgens) from long lupron, antagonist, or micro-dose lupron flare protocols negatively affect the growth of eggs in women with diminished ovarian reserve.
Duking it out with Cornell:
I don't know who to believe. I'm not sure whether "group think" is occuring and newer theories are automatically being thrown out without given full consideration. There is no One Truth in anything: in faith, life, or science. As much as doctors think they know, there is twice as much that they don't know. And, I could see them being wary of testing new theories if it would call to question everything they have previously posited. I would hate to be the victim of Type One errors. So as to seek out a 3rd, neutral party, I have a con call scheduled with Cornell on Thursday. I'm paying out of pocket (and not telling my hubby), but I feel that I need closure on whether we are pursuing the right path.
Something Positive:
Taking a note from Ms. Brightside, here's my positive for the week: at my ultrasound on Thursday, I had a big beautiful follicle growing! The doctor estimated that I would ovulate in 4-5 days. I'm on Day 5 now, but still haven't gotten a + from my ovulation predictor...but I think something is happening and it should be coming soon. Perhaps delayed due to my stomach flu? So, thankfully, I'm not going to have another 60+ day cycle before I get my period!
Also, I took a photography course this past Saturday. Which made me want a more expensive camera...but was also a nice way to disconnect from all this infertility stuff.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Crossroads
I think I'm about to lose my mind. I feel a bit diametrically opposed, two parts in one, and not sure of the direction I am going.
Over the course of one week, I will have:
--had my first homestudy interview
--gone to an adoption agency interview
--gone to an accupuncturist for fertility treatment
--bought Dr. Beer's book "Is Your Body Baby Friendly"
--had a con call with Dr. Corley from SIRM
--driven to NJ for an initial blood work-up at RMA for any genetic issues and SIRM for immune issues
--set up a meeting with Cornell for next week
--set up a meeting with an adoption attorney for the following week
After our first homestudy and the adoption agency meeting, I felt calm, at peace. Going to the adoption agency and learning about all the support they provide in terms of support groups, training, etc., I felt welcomed into a new sub-group. A place where I could belong. A place where others would understand my pain and struggle. A place of healing. We could have a child. While it wouldn't be our biological child, and in some ways we would always be "broken," we would be making a choice to hope for the best, to embrace that our truest heart's desire is to love a child and have a family.
But, at the same time, I reeled at the thought of never carrying another baby. Of being the odd person out at baby showers. The broken one. And, I know that this is my perspective. I won't say that I loved every minute of being pregnant. Labor and afterbirth was hell. But, It had it's amazing moments. To create life. To feel my little man moving in my body. Those were some of the most precious moments in my life. For me to admit and accept that they might never happen again seems too much to bear.
My straight-A student, try harder indignance comes out and I want to fight for my biological child. Do all the research. Try all the tests. Make sure that I exhaust myself completely in this journey for another biological child.
Then I grow weary. Tired of the struggle. Tired of trying to figure out whether the doctors have an agenda, can be trusted, and are doing everything in their power to get me pregnant. I just want a break from it all. From life. From my mother calling every day to remind me "how lucky we are to have Nuggett" and that I shouldn't "mope around" and I "need to get in the spirit of Christmas." (From the woman that got pregnant on her first try with all four children.)
Over the course of one week, I will have:
--had my first homestudy interview
--gone to an adoption agency interview
--gone to an accupuncturist for fertility treatment
--bought Dr. Beer's book "Is Your Body Baby Friendly"
--had a con call with Dr. Corley from SIRM
--driven to NJ for an initial blood work-up at RMA for any genetic issues and SIRM for immune issues
--set up a meeting with Cornell for next week
--set up a meeting with an adoption attorney for the following week
After our first homestudy and the adoption agency meeting, I felt calm, at peace. Going to the adoption agency and learning about all the support they provide in terms of support groups, training, etc., I felt welcomed into a new sub-group. A place where I could belong. A place where others would understand my pain and struggle. A place of healing. We could have a child. While it wouldn't be our biological child, and in some ways we would always be "broken," we would be making a choice to hope for the best, to embrace that our truest heart's desire is to love a child and have a family.
But, at the same time, I reeled at the thought of never carrying another baby. Of being the odd person out at baby showers. The broken one. And, I know that this is my perspective. I won't say that I loved every minute of being pregnant. Labor and afterbirth was hell. But, It had it's amazing moments. To create life. To feel my little man moving in my body. Those were some of the most precious moments in my life. For me to admit and accept that they might never happen again seems too much to bear.
My straight-A student, try harder indignance comes out and I want to fight for my biological child. Do all the research. Try all the tests. Make sure that I exhaust myself completely in this journey for another biological child.
Then I grow weary. Tired of the struggle. Tired of trying to figure out whether the doctors have an agenda, can be trusted, and are doing everything in their power to get me pregnant. I just want a break from it all. From life. From my mother calling every day to remind me "how lucky we are to have Nuggett" and that I shouldn't "mope around" and I "need to get in the spirit of Christmas." (From the woman that got pregnant on her first try with all four children.)
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Next Steps
On Sunday, I cried. I sat on the sofa, curled in the fetal position, and spent most of the day regretting my life.
By mid-afternoon, my husband was sick of it. He wanted to move forward. Make decisions. He even pulled out his white board to map out our next steps.
I wanted to mourn. Somehow try to get the loss in my soul to leak out with the tears. Be in my moment of misery.
We fought. I didn't understand why he wouldn't allow me this time to be sad. He didn't understand why I had to dwell on things we can't change. I made him leave the house. He came back with two cupcakes, hugged me, and we agreed to allow each other to process our grief in our own ways.
Today we met with our RE. He said that he gives us a 10-15% chance of IVF working. He doesn't believe that we have an implantation issue, but said that he would do another endometrial biopsy to ensure that the endometritis is gone. He doesn't think that a hysteroscopy is necessary, because I didn't have any signs of lesions or the like in my hysterosonogram. He doesn't believe in immune issues and holds that if these were a problem, then we wouldn't have been able to conceive my son.
He does believe that we may have a genetic issue which may be causing the lower quality embryos. He doesn't know if the source of the problem is the eggs, the sperm, or both. He wants us to do one last "hail mary" cycle up at Reproduct.ive Me.dicine A.ssociates (RMA) in New Jersey. He said they can do same day PGD to see if the embryos are normal. If the embryos are normal and don't implant OR if the embryos are not normal, then he thinks we should move on to donor eggs/sperm/embryos or adoption. He said that this way, we would have closure as to the root cause of our problem. Also, he said we could do an experiment with donor eggs/sperm to see whether the problem was the eggs or the sperm, but this probably wouldn't be covered by insurance (I have to look into this). This is probably cost-prohibitive though....
So, next Thursday, I have an appointment at RMA. Anyone out there know anything about RMA? They seem to have pretty good statistics and I have found some on-line groups with positive reviews. Do you think I should drive there for the appointment? It's about 4 hours away from where we live. I am leaning towards driving there to get a feel for the doctor and be available for any necessary testing. The best news is that my insurance plan covers cycles at his clinic.
We're also moving forward with adoption. We have our first homestudy interview this Friday.
I am trying to keep myself motivated and attached....but I feel this deep grief that befuddles my mind. I keep repeating: I can't believe this is my life. I can't believe this is my life.
I just want the pain to be over. To know where we are going, how much money we are going to spend, and that...at the end of it all...we will find some peace and happiness.
I wish someone could give me that. Someone could hold me and comfort me and tell me that all will be OK in the world. But, no one can promise me that. Life is suffering. There is no avoiding it.
By mid-afternoon, my husband was sick of it. He wanted to move forward. Make decisions. He even pulled out his white board to map out our next steps.
I wanted to mourn. Somehow try to get the loss in my soul to leak out with the tears. Be in my moment of misery.
We fought. I didn't understand why he wouldn't allow me this time to be sad. He didn't understand why I had to dwell on things we can't change. I made him leave the house. He came back with two cupcakes, hugged me, and we agreed to allow each other to process our grief in our own ways.
Today we met with our RE. He said that he gives us a 10-15% chance of IVF working. He doesn't believe that we have an implantation issue, but said that he would do another endometrial biopsy to ensure that the endometritis is gone. He doesn't think that a hysteroscopy is necessary, because I didn't have any signs of lesions or the like in my hysterosonogram. He doesn't believe in immune issues and holds that if these were a problem, then we wouldn't have been able to conceive my son.
He does believe that we may have a genetic issue which may be causing the lower quality embryos. He doesn't know if the source of the problem is the eggs, the sperm, or both. He wants us to do one last "hail mary" cycle up at Reproduct.ive Me.dicine A.ssociates (RMA) in New Jersey. He said they can do same day PGD to see if the embryos are normal. If the embryos are normal and don't implant OR if the embryos are not normal, then he thinks we should move on to donor eggs/sperm/embryos or adoption. He said that this way, we would have closure as to the root cause of our problem. Also, he said we could do an experiment with donor eggs/sperm to see whether the problem was the eggs or the sperm, but this probably wouldn't be covered by insurance (I have to look into this). This is probably cost-prohibitive though....
So, next Thursday, I have an appointment at RMA. Anyone out there know anything about RMA? They seem to have pretty good statistics and I have found some on-line groups with positive reviews. Do you think I should drive there for the appointment? It's about 4 hours away from where we live. I am leaning towards driving there to get a feel for the doctor and be available for any necessary testing. The best news is that my insurance plan covers cycles at his clinic.
We're also moving forward with adoption. We have our first homestudy interview this Friday.
I am trying to keep myself motivated and attached....but I feel this deep grief that befuddles my mind. I keep repeating: I can't believe this is my life. I can't believe this is my life.
I just want the pain to be over. To know where we are going, how much money we are going to spend, and that...at the end of it all...we will find some peace and happiness.
I wish someone could give me that. Someone could hold me and comfort me and tell me that all will be OK in the world. But, no one can promise me that. Life is suffering. There is no avoiding it.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Feeling Shaky
Last night, I was cold, chilly. I asked my husband and MIL if they were cold. No, they said. We're comfortable. I took my temperature: 97.2. And, became convinced that I am NOT pregnant. For, if I was pregnant, my temperature would be higher. Granted it was 97.6 when I took it this morning…but, shouldn't it be warmer? Shouldn't I be hot?
All day long, I've been feeling shaky. As if I am not sure that my legs can withstand the weight of my body. My heart aflutter, I fear the results on Sunday. I fear that we'll face another failure. I fear that we'll never have more children of our own. That we'll do IVF again and again with the same negative result.
I feel anger. Resentment. That last year at Thanksgiving I was so hopeful, thanking God for the improvement in hubby's sperm that put us in "normal land," which was apparently a fluke test. Because we are nothing close to normal.
And, yet. I still feel like this could all be some big mistake. That we are indeed fertile. That we've just had bad timing or bad luck. We're still fertile, viable young people. That can have sex and make a baby.
Help me find the strength to make it through these next four days…and weeks after that if the result is negative.
All day long, I've been feeling shaky. As if I am not sure that my legs can withstand the weight of my body. My heart aflutter, I fear the results on Sunday. I fear that we'll face another failure. I fear that we'll never have more children of our own. That we'll do IVF again and again with the same negative result.
I feel anger. Resentment. That last year at Thanksgiving I was so hopeful, thanking God for the improvement in hubby's sperm that put us in "normal land," which was apparently a fluke test. Because we are nothing close to normal.
And, yet. I still feel like this could all be some big mistake. That we are indeed fertile. That we've just had bad timing or bad luck. We're still fertile, viable young people. That can have sex and make a baby.
Help me find the strength to make it through these next four days…and weeks after that if the result is negative.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
I don't feel anything....
I've done this enough, that I know I should not analyze everything little twinge....but I feel nothing. No implantation cramping (which I believe I may have had with my son). No rise in temperature. Nada.
I know that I didn't really notice anything with my son until he was 6 weeks...so I shouldn't read too much into this.
I keep reading all these posts about people doing a HPT 5-9 days post 5 day transfer and getting a positive result...but I don't know that I am strong enough to handle taking one.
Plus, life seriously has the worst timing because my MIL has been here the past 2 two-week waits. I've had to prolong taking the HPT because I don't want to do it while she is around and have a total melt down.
Can someone please reassure that I should or shouldn't be feeling anything? Or, give me the cold, hard truth that if I was pregnant, I would feel something. My temperature would be rising. Or, something?
(I don't take my temperature in the morning, but I just usually notice whether I'm throwing off all the covers or snuggling with my husband.
Sigh.
I know that I didn't really notice anything with my son until he was 6 weeks...so I shouldn't read too much into this.
I keep reading all these posts about people doing a HPT 5-9 days post 5 day transfer and getting a positive result...but I don't know that I am strong enough to handle taking one.
Plus, life seriously has the worst timing because my MIL has been here the past 2 two-week waits. I've had to prolong taking the HPT because I don't want to do it while she is around and have a total melt down.
Can someone please reassure that I should or shouldn't be feeling anything? Or, give me the cold, hard truth that if I was pregnant, I would feel something. My temperature would be rising. Or, something?
(I don't take my temperature in the morning, but I just usually notice whether I'm throwing off all the covers or snuggling with my husband.
Sigh.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Phoenix
I haven't written the past few days for fear of jinxing anything...
After the initial fertilization report on Friday, I was reeling. Thinking there was no hope.
Like the phoenix rising from the ashes, hope was reborn.
The RE called on Saturday to let us know that actually ALL of the eggs fertilized! There were two 2-cells (the ones they didn't think fertilized), one 3-cell, and one 4-cell on Day 2. He reiterated that we needed to make a decision about whether we would be doing a Day 3 or Day 5 transfer, emphasizing that he understood the emotional aspect of the decision: Day 3 transfer gave us Nugget and the two previous Day 5 transfers resulted in Nothing. Obviously, he indicated that "science" suggested that if the embryos wouldn't make it to Day 5 they likely wouldn't make it. However, he said that I could make the "emotional" decision and do a Day 3 transfer and have to wait the two weeks with no real sense of whether they were strong embryos.
I decided to "rip off the bandaid" and see whether they would make it to Day 5. Yesterday was hell. I was intermittedly crying all day, wondering if I made the right decision.
I was rewarded! Today, we were able to transfer three embryos! One blastocyst and two morulas. The embryologist said that they looked better quality than our August transfer.
Hope again.....
Go, Liam, Mia, and Olivia!!!!
After the initial fertilization report on Friday, I was reeling. Thinking there was no hope.
Like the phoenix rising from the ashes, hope was reborn.
The RE called on Saturday to let us know that actually ALL of the eggs fertilized! There were two 2-cells (the ones they didn't think fertilized), one 3-cell, and one 4-cell on Day 2. He reiterated that we needed to make a decision about whether we would be doing a Day 3 or Day 5 transfer, emphasizing that he understood the emotional aspect of the decision: Day 3 transfer gave us Nugget and the two previous Day 5 transfers resulted in Nothing. Obviously, he indicated that "science" suggested that if the embryos wouldn't make it to Day 5 they likely wouldn't make it. However, he said that I could make the "emotional" decision and do a Day 3 transfer and have to wait the two weeks with no real sense of whether they were strong embryos.
I decided to "rip off the bandaid" and see whether they would make it to Day 5. Yesterday was hell. I was intermittedly crying all day, wondering if I made the right decision.
I was rewarded! Today, we were able to transfer three embryos! One blastocyst and two morulas. The embryologist said that they looked better quality than our August transfer.
Hope again.....
Go, Liam, Mia, and Olivia!!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)