Third Trimester!!!!

Third Trimester!! WOOHOOO!!!!!

Week 26 Running Stats
Thursday, October 6, 2011: 60 minutes elliptical
Friday, October 7, 2011: 9 miles
Saturday, Oct 8: 11 miles
Sunday, Oct 9: 9 miles
Monday, Oct 10: 9 miles
Tuesday, Oct. 11: 9 miles, Body Pump
Wednesday, Oct. 12: 10 miles
Total Mileage: 57 miles + elliptical
Comparison to Pregnancy #1: 42.5 miles + elliptical

I thought my running would be slowing down given the round ligament pain last week...but I've felt AH-mazing this past week runningwise! I no longer have the intense calf pain that made the first 3-6 miles miserable. I have been having some BH contractions when I first get started, so I take it pretty easy with some long walk breaks until mile 4 or so.

I'm still dealing with all my anxiety about job stuff, getting the house ready for baby...but my latest melancholy has been about closing the baby chapter with Nugget. We looked through his baby book the other day. Those times seemed so long ago and were so fleeting. I want to wrap my baby boy in my arms and rock him forever. I want to remain the one person that can console him. I want him to believe that my kiss alone can heal him. I want to continue playing hide and seek and "Fe Fi Fo Fum." As children grow, each stage brings new challenges and surprises...and as much as think my head might explode when he sh*ts in his pants and laughs when I catch him...I will always want him to be my baby.

Some pictures from 27 weeks and 1 day.

The Luxury of My Concerns

I'm struck lately with how indulgent my concerns seem.

• I'm obsessing on the right fabric for Baby Girl's nursery.


• I'm anxious about how much money I'm spending on frivolous (but nice to have) home improvement projects like built-in closets by California Closets, curtains, new fixtures, and painting.


• I'm worried that my husband's company won't win this 5-year contract and he'll be out of a job in March. I'm worried that I'll be downsized next week.


• I'm scared that I've been diagnosed with Strep B virus (has now turned into a urinary tract infection) and the 1 in 200 chance that my child may be infected during a vaginal delivery. (Only crappy statistics available...nothing that states the risk of the baby if I receive antibiotics prior to delivery as does the baby post birth).


• I'm worried they put the wrong embryo in and that's why I'm measuring bigger this time.


• I'm worried that if I had such a terrible delivery with a 6 lb 4oz (or was it 2oz? can't remember) baby that I'll have a MUCH harder time with a bigger baby.


• I'm worried that the prenatal testing was wrong and there is indeed something wrong with Baby Girl and that I'll have to adjust to a life with a special needs child or worse a child not viable with life.


• I'm worried that I'm not enjoying my time with Nugget enough since I'm so preoccupied with said home renovations/baby preparations.


• I'm worried that something will happen to Baby Girl. That I will make a beautiful nursery for her and have to sit forlornly in her glider, looking at all the pictures I carefully framed, the curtains made from fabrics I selected after hours of Internet searching, the rug that I thought didn't quite work and realize: none of this matters.

These worries are luxuries.

I don't have to worry about how we will adjust to not being "normal" with children conceived through donor gametes or brought to us through adoption.

I don't have to worry about whether we can afford to do more cycles: emotionally, financially, physically (assuming this pregnancy works out).

I don't have to worry about how much longer our life will be on hold waiting for something that may never happen.

This is it.

We are here.

Baby Girl is alive and thriving in my belly.

Nothing else matters.

Yet, I cannot silence these anxieties in my head.

Shhhh.

Just concentrate and feel her move. The slow twisting of her little arms and legs. Our special time together.

T-1 Week to 3rd Trimester: 26 Weeks

I'm at the stage of pregnant running where you learn that willpower can only take you so far...and your body cannot be manipulated. I was a few weeks further along when I reached this point in my last pregnancy and, given that I am much bigger this pregnancy by comparison, it should come as no surprise. Part of me wants to hold on to my weekly goal of 50+ miles, but the rational side of me knows that I have to listen to my body.


Week 25 Running Stats:
Thursday, September 29, 2010: 9 miles
Friday, September 30, 2010: 6 miles
Saturday, October 1, 2010: 10 miles
Sunday, October 2, 2010: 8 miles
Monday, October 3, 2010: 9 miles
Tuesday, October 4, 2010: 6 miles
Wednesday, October 5, 2010: 8 miles run, 1 mile walk (round ligament pain...I really walked the last mile)
Total Mileage: 57 miles
Comparision to Pregnancy #1: 60 miles


The round ligament pain on Wednesday was so terrible...that I became concerned it was something more. Plus, I was having really strong (and long) Braxton Hicks....SO, I went in for monitoring on Wednesday...just to be sure. OB confirmed it was just round ligament pain (I thought it might be something terrible, like placenta abruption or the like) and that my BH contractions weren't serious. Ironically, my run on Wednesday was one of the best runs I've had in recent weeks. I'm wondering if maybe I pushed it too much and that's why it hurt.


My family has been commenting on how much bigger I am this pregnancy...and that I'm bigger than my sister-in-law (who is only due a few days after me)...which makes me paranoid that they put in the wrong embyro and that I'm carrying someone else's baby (Finder's Keepers! My baby now!). It also makes me concerned that I am gaining too much weight, but my midwife hasn't said anything...so I'll try not to worry about it. I have another ultrasound in 2 weeks so we'll make sure that everything is OK then.


Picture from 26 weeks 1 day:

Week 24 Running Stats and Week 25 1 Day Belly Shot

Week 24 Running Stats*
Thursday, September 21, 2011: 9 miles
Friday, September 22, 2011: 6 miles
Saturday, September 23, 2011: 9 miles
Sunday, September 24, 2011: 60 minutes elliptical
Monday, September 25, 2011: 9 miles
Tuesday, September 26, 2011: 9 miles
Wednesday, September 27, 2011: 10 miles
Total Mileage: 51 miles
Comparison to Pregnancy #1: 54 miles
*Let's just say that about 1/4 of these miles are spent walking...up hills, when I'm tired, etc. and they are VERY slow miles...10-12 minute/miles.


Running is definitely becoming a CHORE. My calves burn continually until about mile 6 and then things tend to loosen up, but not as much as they used to. I'm thinking it is time to reassess how much and whether I want to continue running. I went through a good 10 weeks of similar misery around this time (weeks 18-28) while running last pregnancy...but I'd rather been running slow @ss miles and walking up hills than doing the elliptical at the gym...so we'll see. Of course, I'd also really like to be doing a more balanced weekly workout with weights and yoga in addition to cardio...but right now it seems easier mentally to go for a run than to go to a class at the gym. I miss my arm muscles....maybe I should give up 1-3 runs a week and do weights/yoga instead?


Getting ready for baby: I haven't purchased anything for baby girl in the past two weeks. We are in the midst of a little remodel upstairs: tearing down the old closet in the-soon-to-be master bedroom and putting in pretty new wardrobe style (reach-in) closets by California Closets. After the remodel is finished, I'll get everything painted and THEN it will feel like time to REALLY get baby girl's room finished. I'm still waiting on a crib bumper from Etsy...but with all the news about crib bumpers...I'm wondering if I shouldn't have wasted my money on something purely decorative. My mother-in-law sent me two outfits for baby girl....let's just say that we have different aesthetic taste and I'm very scared about the trend that these two items may be setting for future purchases.....


And, now for the belly shot for 25 weeks, 1 day.

Week 23 Running Stats and Belly Picture

Today I am 24 weeks and 4 days! Woot woot! I am having the best kind of pregnancy so far: an uncomplicated one. I feel great (generally) with the exception of intense OCD-need-to-get-all-projects-that-we-have-been-ignoring-for-the-past-two-years-completed-YESTERDAY. At my 24-week ultrasound, baby girl was measuring in the 60th percentile!!

Week 23 Running Stats:
Thursday, September 15, 2011: 10 miles
Friday, September 16, 2011: 6 miles
Saturday, September 17, 2011: 8 miles
Sunday, September 18, 2011: Nada
Monday, September 19, 2011: 10 miles
Tuesday, September 20, 2011: 10 miles
Wednesday, September 21, 2011: 10 miles
Total Mileage: 54 miles
Comparison to Pregnancy #1: 61 miles

Highlights of the Week:

• Going to my friend's wedding in Pittsburgh and laughing with new friends.


• Dropping Nugget off at pre-school with NO crying two days last week. Nothing better than your child sobbing as you leave to make you feel like the WORST parent on the planet.


• Sword fights with Nugget for hours on end...he's such a rough and tumble boy.

And, at last....a pregnancy photo from 24 weeks and 1 day. I don't think this picture does my belly justice. I should take a "before" and "after" shot at the beginning and end of each day to show how much bigger the belly gets as the day goes on. This picture was taken first thing in the a.m. when I think baby girl was still nestled in pretty tightly.

Parity

I first started this blog over 3 years ago when I was 22 weeks pregnant with my son.



I never had a vision for this blog. I guess my only purpose in starting the blog was to put my information out there as a data point for other active women that struggled with inferiltity....And, now? Why do I keep blogging?



Mainly for myself, I think. I never dedicated enough time or effort or creativity in my blog to develop a following. But, similar to my attitude regarding friends in real life, I never valued quantity over quality. I'd much rather have deeper, richer, fewer connections with other bloggers than an overwhelming number of followers. And, so, I guess part of the reason I still blog is for those relationships: to continue to share in each other's lives.



However, I know that many of those I care about still haven't resolved their infertility and that my pregnancy is a point of pain. For that reason, I promised myself that I wouldn't talk endlessly about my pregnancy. I think I've wary of embracing this pregnancy in general for fear that it would fall between my fingers and all I would be left with is the severity of my want.



As this pregnancy progresses, though, I worry that I am wishing this special time away so I can rush to the end of my story: do I have a healthy baby? Does she survive? Does my journey finally end?



Recently, I have decided that I would like to hold on to as much of this pregnancy as possible. I think forcing myself to post pictures and recount the memories of each week of pregnancy will allow me to settle into living in the present, enjoying each flutter with my baby girl while she is with me.



I hope those of you still struggling can understand why I would like to take my blog in this direction and I will not be offended if you never read or post on my blog again. I have done the very same thing when the the pain of my struggle made it too hard to see others moving forward with their lives.



And, with that:


My running stats for week 22:
Thursday, September 8, 2011: 10 miles
Friday, September 9, 2011: 9 miles
Saturday, September 10, 2011: off
Sunday, September 11, 2011: 11 miles
Monday, September 12, 2011: 9 miles
Tuesday, September 13, 2011: 10 miles, Body Pump
Wednesday, September 14, 2011: 9 miles
Total Mileage: 58 miles
Compare to Pregnancy #1: 62 miles



Symptoms while running: During my first pregnancy, I had intense calf pain and numbness in my feet starting around 18 weeks for the first 3-4 miles in a run. It started around 18 weeks again this pregnancy, but surprisingly seems to have gone away in the past few days (hence the mileage!) and it is AWESOME! Some days are definitely better than other days in terms of running. Some days I have to walk up all the hills and am barely running a 10 minutes pace; other days I feel like I can fly up hills and start thinking about doing track workouts again.



Baby purchases to date: 4 outfits that "accidentally" fell into my bag at a consignment shop when I was buying winter clothes for Nugget. A baby book that I fell in love with a long time ago. A poster of a "fairy girl" painting from Etsy. A pink and white butterfly orb from Etsy.



Nugget's Perspective on the Baby: Nugget doesn't quite seem to grasp the "baby in mommy's belly" concept. He has been talking about babies a bit more and acting like a baby quite frequently. He'll crawl around on the floor mewing like a cat and his indignant response to our question on his mammal status is: "I baby. I cyying." (he can't pronounce "r's" that clearly).



And, that, is my update.

Healing

I'm 21 weeks today.

While talking to a grad school friend/work colleague today outside of the bathroom, I felt the urge to tell her that I was pregnant. Turning to the side, I ran my hands over my belly, thinking that my bump would be a "cute" way to announce the pregnancy as I tear up anytime I tell someone. She looked at me, confused. "No, I'm not pregnant," she says. I laughed and told her that I was the one that was pregnant. She was incredulous. "I couldn't tell." Lowering her voice, she ask "Did it take a while?" She knew that we had some "troubles" with Nugget. Instead of finding the question a little biting, I found it to be a simple, matter-of-fact response: "yes."

I suppose that means I'm healing. I don't get as ANGRY or BITTER when I think about it. It took a while. But not forever. How quickly I seem to forget the pain.

I think it is a function that in retrospect I can look back...with perspective...and say that 16 months of fertility treatments was not forever. If everything works out with this baby, it will be a small piece of my past. It won't be everything.