After a nail biting weekend waiting for the results of the MRI, I was irritated to learn that my results came back higher than normal, but still below the threshold indicating that I have adenomyosis. I was relieved that I didn’t have to endure months of treatments and possibly surgery to deal with adenomyosis…but I really wish my doctor could have just told me this over the phone last Thursday rather than making me wait until Monday AND having me drive to the clinic (1.5 hour round-trip) to deliver the results in person. Given that I have limited time at work, I hate to give up 3 hours of work to go to an unnecessary doctor appointment.
So, this means that I can start my 6th IVF cycle as soon as I get my period after I finish my pills on Thursday.
I have told not a soul…just you all on the internet…that I am doing a cycle. When we were first debating whether we would do another cycle, I tried talking about it with some close friends, but they expressed strong opinions. Some thought that 3 kids was too many, too excessive. Others were concerned about how hard this process was to get Baby Girl and didn’t want to see me get lost in the morass of IVF again. They want to know WHY I want to do this again and are worried that I am doing it just because I am stubborn or want to beat infertility or just don’t know how to NOT do IVF. I wish I could say that these were not possible truths about me. But, they are. I also know that we love having kids and don’t want to have regrets about not trying for a third. I have a million reasons not to try for another. I am just starting to hit some good (not great) paces at the track. I don’t know how I would manage a career switch with 3 kids or even a career at all. I just can’t think about it. I’m such a planner…always thinking about everything. But, I’m sick of it. I’m just going to try and see what happens. Maybe after 1 cycle, I’ll think I’ve done enough, tried enough, and am really ready to move forward with my life rather than being in this waiting place. Maybe after 1 cycle, I’ll realize how much I want another child and that I am willing to put my body and family through IVF as many times as necessary to have a third child (biological or not).
I will tell you that these past few weeks on hormones has not been fun. And, the I’m slowly started to be weighed down by this process, the appointments, the fear, etc. I’ve spend the past 5 days spending as much time on the couch as possible as I just don’t have the physical and emotional energy to do much else. I’ve resumed comfort eating, which I did when cycling before. Lots of grilled cheese sandwiches, hot dogs, carbs, ice-cream. I just don’t have the appetite for leafy vegetables or cooking or thinking about cooking. Don’t know whether that is a symptom of the drugs or just melancholy.
I have decided, though, not to tell anyone. Not my mother. Not my friends (except for my bloggy friends!). I am not going to deal with their doubts as well as my own. For the first time in my life, I really don’t feel the need to gather opinions about what I should do. I’m making this choice on my own. This is my life.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Friday, August 17, 2012
Never Count Your Chickens Before They Hatch: Adenomyosis
Well, today sucked.
HSG and mock transfer.
HSG indicated that I may have adenomyosis, a condition in which endometrial tissue, which normally lines the uterus, is present within and grows into the muscular walls of the uterus. It's found in women who have had children, can cause problems with implantation, and is linked with infertility.
For f*ck's sake. I'd just like to go into the RE for once and not leave with another new diagnosis that even further diminishes my chances of having any more children.
I'm trying to keep perspective. I thought endometritis was going to end up being a big deal. Turns out I only had a mild, treatable case.
I have to get an MRI as a secondary diagnostic to see if I really have it.
Overall, I have this deep, sinking feeling...as if the clouds of depression and futility are gathering around me. I realize this is an emotion and that my emotions will change. I'm treating it with copious amounts of chocolate and sulking on the couch today. Pity parties aren't that much fun. Boo.
HSG and mock transfer.
HSG indicated that I may have adenomyosis, a condition in which endometrial tissue, which normally lines the uterus, is present within and grows into the muscular walls of the uterus. It's found in women who have had children, can cause problems with implantation, and is linked with infertility.
For f*ck's sake. I'd just like to go into the RE for once and not leave with another new diagnosis that even further diminishes my chances of having any more children.
I'm trying to keep perspective. I thought endometritis was going to end up being a big deal. Turns out I only had a mild, treatable case.
I have to get an MRI as a secondary diagnostic to see if I really have it.
Overall, I have this deep, sinking feeling...as if the clouds of depression and futility are gathering around me. I realize this is an emotion and that my emotions will change. I'm treating it with copious amounts of chocolate and sulking on the couch today. Pity parties aren't that much fun. Boo.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Insurance Surprise!
Yesterday I got a surprising phone call from my insurance company...they decided to waive my Day 3 bloodwork requirements for this first cycle of IVF. I couldn't believe it. I wrestled with them for 3 months over Day 3 bloodwork requirements during Summer 2010 after my FET when my body just would. not. ovulate. and my crappy RE refused to do anything about it (no HCG, no provera, no BCP). So....this means I will be starting a cycle August 24th. Crazy, right? I'm going up to be spending Friday at the clinic doing all sorts of fun things: HSG, mock transfer, financial forms, dropping off my husbands S.A., and maybe even an endometrial biopsy. Woot woot! What better way to spend a Friday?
*****************************
I've been having lots of conversations with myself that go like this:
Counselor Self: How do you feel about doing IVF again? Are you sure that you can handle the failure? Are you sure that you WANT 3 kids?
Denial Self: Stop talking about it. More action, less thinking.
Negative Self: Like it's going to work in the first place. This is like the time we obsessively researched twins and active twin pregnancies when we were convinced that we would get twins out of that FET. Worry about it when it's an issue.
Mommy Self: Aren't you a little worried that you won't be able to pay enough attention to the two blessings you already have? Baby Girl is still so little. What if you do end up getting pregnant and short-change Baby Girl?
Career-focused Self: Um, hello? What about me? You are JUST starting to get back on track in terms of having your head in the game and determining whether you want to pursue a new career or make the most of the one you have. WHAT are you going to do with all your ambition if you have THREE kids?
Superficial Self: You are not doing this to me again. Have you noticed how saggy your breasts and tummy are despite being fit? What exactly do you think is going to happen if you have another kid? You might as well start buying training bras because those are the only ones that are going to fit if you are able to have a third kid. Hello double A's...here we come! Plus, you are too OLD to have another kid. You will be the oldest mom at daycare/kindergarten/graduation/etc.
Running Self: Aw, man! We are JUST starting to find our speed again and you are going to put us on the bench again. Don't you LOVE being at the track with your running friends again? Don't you want to train for races again? I know you don't think you have any chance at OTQ, but you are really sealing the deal by having another kid at your age.
I wish I could make them all shut up.
*****************************
I've been having lots of conversations with myself that go like this:
Counselor Self: How do you feel about doing IVF again? Are you sure that you can handle the failure? Are you sure that you WANT 3 kids?
Denial Self: Stop talking about it. More action, less thinking.
Negative Self: Like it's going to work in the first place. This is like the time we obsessively researched twins and active twin pregnancies when we were convinced that we would get twins out of that FET. Worry about it when it's an issue.
Mommy Self: Aren't you a little worried that you won't be able to pay enough attention to the two blessings you already have? Baby Girl is still so little. What if you do end up getting pregnant and short-change Baby Girl?
Career-focused Self: Um, hello? What about me? You are JUST starting to get back on track in terms of having your head in the game and determining whether you want to pursue a new career or make the most of the one you have. WHAT are you going to do with all your ambition if you have THREE kids?
Superficial Self: You are not doing this to me again. Have you noticed how saggy your breasts and tummy are despite being fit? What exactly do you think is going to happen if you have another kid? You might as well start buying training bras because those are the only ones that are going to fit if you are able to have a third kid. Hello double A's...here we come! Plus, you are too OLD to have another kid. You will be the oldest mom at daycare/kindergarten/graduation/etc.
Running Self: Aw, man! We are JUST starting to find our speed again and you are going to put us on the bench again. Don't you LOVE being at the track with your running friends again? Don't you want to train for races again? I know you don't think you have any chance at OTQ, but you are really sealing the deal by having another kid at your age.
I wish I could make them all shut up.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Provera Fail
I should know better than to assume that my body would react to Provera like it did the last time. I patiently waited the 2 weeks for my period to come after stopping Provera. I felt crampy. I thought I saw a twinge of pink in my cervical mucus. But, nope. No period. An ultrasound showed that I didn't have a lead follicle about to burst and my lining was only 4mm.
Soooo, we have to figure out another way to bring on my period because my insurance (stupidly) requires that I have Day 3 bloodwork. Even though they KNOW that I'm going to end up doing IVF because of my husband's male factor and that my FSH levels were only 6.9 19 months ago...so likely haven't changed drastically. It's a stupid hoop to jump through when they know I'm going to be eligible in the long run. If on the long chance that they do let me proceed with IVF despite not having Day 3 bloodwork, my RE has agreed to let me try a protocol that will start stimming me after completing 2 weeks of BCPs. I did estrogen priming on Ju Ju Bean's cycle with an estrogen patch, so it makes me a little anxious to think about doing a cycle differently than what was previously successful.....BUT see prior statement about how the body reacts differently every time.
My mentality going into IVF this time is that it's just going to take a bunch of cycles if it even works at all. I need to get started as soon as possible, though, to maximize my insurance coverage. I have THREE cycles covered 50% under my current insurance plan and I would like to use at least TWO of them before the end of the year. Then I can switch insurance plan to another plan that will also allow me THREE cycles covered 50%. I'm not thrilled about having to switch to this new plan because I'd have to change all my doctors (except my RE, thankfully), but...I am grateful that I have the option of having 5-6 cycles covered at 50%. This is huge and we are lucky.
Stepping back from going through the motions of IVF treatment...it is all too familiar to me...the planing, the dealing with insurance companies, the talking to nurses, the appointments. It's almost as if I don't know how to live my life else wise. As if I just compulsively need to get going again. It's more comfortable to be doing this than it is to just accept that we are not going to try any more. I'm too afraid of regrets...which is probably something that I should look into a little more than just gloss over it and move forward.
******************
I've been going pretty consistently to the track. For a while, it has been a safe place where I don't have to talk to other mothers or hear people planning about having babies or even really talk about being a mom if I didn't want to. Apparently, there were a rash of fast female runners from my running group that got pregnant and recently had babies. I had Baby Girl about 6 months earlier than most of them. You would think that I would be excited to have so many comrades in the "tired eyes mommy phase" that "got" how hard it was to pull myself out of bed at 5:30 after getting up multiple times in the night...but I hate it. They are all complaining about how "out of shape" they are despite still being faster than me. I am *still* not running as fast as I was after having Nugget. Which doesn't bother me most of the time. I know that these women didn't have any problems getting pregnant. They didn't have to take 2 years (I know, a measly 2 years) off of training. They got knocked up accidentally or easily while having BMIs of 16 and running 90 miles a week. And, their life is just playing out exactly as they planned. I am so jealous it makes me want to throw up. I'm sure I will get over it. But, they just seem so proud and self-righteous about how awesome they are to be coming back to the track and still hitting such great times. In my head, I think...yeah...just see how you'd be doing if you had to take 2 years off. Jealousy is an evil little b*tch.
******************************
And, HSG on Friday. Funtimes.
I'll end this post on a positive note with Baby Girl's 6 month picture that I love (she's nearly 8 months, though!). It's worth it. It's worth it. It's worth it.
Soooo, we have to figure out another way to bring on my period because my insurance (stupidly) requires that I have Day 3 bloodwork. Even though they KNOW that I'm going to end up doing IVF because of my husband's male factor and that my FSH levels were only 6.9 19 months ago...so likely haven't changed drastically. It's a stupid hoop to jump through when they know I'm going to be eligible in the long run. If on the long chance that they do let me proceed with IVF despite not having Day 3 bloodwork, my RE has agreed to let me try a protocol that will start stimming me after completing 2 weeks of BCPs. I did estrogen priming on Ju Ju Bean's cycle with an estrogen patch, so it makes me a little anxious to think about doing a cycle differently than what was previously successful.....BUT see prior statement about how the body reacts differently every time.
My mentality going into IVF this time is that it's just going to take a bunch of cycles if it even works at all. I need to get started as soon as possible, though, to maximize my insurance coverage. I have THREE cycles covered 50% under my current insurance plan and I would like to use at least TWO of them before the end of the year. Then I can switch insurance plan to another plan that will also allow me THREE cycles covered 50%. I'm not thrilled about having to switch to this new plan because I'd have to change all my doctors (except my RE, thankfully), but...I am grateful that I have the option of having 5-6 cycles covered at 50%. This is huge and we are lucky.
Stepping back from going through the motions of IVF treatment...it is all too familiar to me...the planing, the dealing with insurance companies, the talking to nurses, the appointments. It's almost as if I don't know how to live my life else wise. As if I just compulsively need to get going again. It's more comfortable to be doing this than it is to just accept that we are not going to try any more. I'm too afraid of regrets...which is probably something that I should look into a little more than just gloss over it and move forward.
******************
I've been going pretty consistently to the track. For a while, it has been a safe place where I don't have to talk to other mothers or hear people planning about having babies or even really talk about being a mom if I didn't want to. Apparently, there were a rash of fast female runners from my running group that got pregnant and recently had babies. I had Baby Girl about 6 months earlier than most of them. You would think that I would be excited to have so many comrades in the "tired eyes mommy phase" that "got" how hard it was to pull myself out of bed at 5:30 after getting up multiple times in the night...but I hate it. They are all complaining about how "out of shape" they are despite still being faster than me. I am *still* not running as fast as I was after having Nugget. Which doesn't bother me most of the time. I know that these women didn't have any problems getting pregnant. They didn't have to take 2 years (I know, a measly 2 years) off of training. They got knocked up accidentally or easily while having BMIs of 16 and running 90 miles a week. And, their life is just playing out exactly as they planned. I am so jealous it makes me want to throw up. I'm sure I will get over it. But, they just seem so proud and self-righteous about how awesome they are to be coming back to the track and still hitting such great times. In my head, I think...yeah...just see how you'd be doing if you had to take 2 years off. Jealousy is an evil little b*tch.
******************************
And, HSG on Friday. Funtimes.
I'll end this post on a positive note with Baby Girl's 6 month picture that I love (she's nearly 8 months, though!). It's worth it. It's worth it. It's worth it.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Innocuous Little Pill
After hemming and hawing, I finally started my progesterone pills. I was supposed to be 100% weaned, but from my research, I couldn’t find negative affects for short-term usage of progesterone. I figured that if I was only nursing baby girl 2-3 times a day that the impact would be minimal. It’s probably terrible to admit this. It’s the truth. And, it’s my choice. I finished the pills two weeks ago, but still haven’t gotten my period. With Nugget, they ended up having to give me an HCG shot to make me ovulate after taking progesterone. I’m going into the Big Clinic tomorrow to get an ultrasound and bloodwork to figure out what is going on.
It seemed like nothing...taking the little pill. But, it is a step in a direction, the slow gathering of momentum before we go hurtling down the infertility rabbit hole again. I am still ambivalent. I still keep thinking and dealing with attempting for another child and all the feelings of defeat that infertility involves up on a shelf in the back of my brain. I don't want to delve too deeply into it until necessary.
Otherwise? I’m tired. This 2 parents working with 2 kids in 2 different day cares is exhausting. I hate how little time I get to spend with my kids. I have Fridays off, but I usually end up going to doctor’s appointments, running errands, doing chores,and other general life maintenance stuff since my husband doesn’t have time for any of those sort of things. I’m managing to fit in 2-4 hours a week of studying for the GREs, which I am supposed to take in early September. I’m starting teleworking this week and hope that brings some relief from our insane schedule. I am not happy being this busy. I long for the days of my maternity leave where I could plan out a nice meal every night and take time just to giggle with baby Girl. I dream about being a stay-at-home mom, but don’t know if that would bring me happiness. I think I just need to accept that life is busy, I am perpetually tired, and there isn’t enough time to enjoy the kiddos.
Nugget is changing in so many ways. I tell myself that I will be able to remember all the cute little anecdotes about him, but I worry that I won’t. He’s lately obsessed with putting on costumes. Except…he has to be fully nude before putting on a new costume. So, he’ll dress up as a pirate. Strip down naked. Dress up as a knight wearing just a sword, shield, and helmet running around the house without anything else on. I’ll often happen up him lying on the floor motionless. He’ll whisper: “I dead” as I pass him. 15 minutes later he's still just laying there. Some mornings when I go to wake him he’ll already be fully attired in his “bad guy” costume, ready for battle. His language has improved significantly. He’s start mimicking everything I say, repeating it back to me without knowing what he’s saying. “Yeah, the bill is going to be late.” Or “Yeah, the turkey’s not done.” Or other such phrases which seem too serious or inappropriate for such a small person to say. He’s also grown at least four inches. He’s become a bundle of angles. He no longer wants me to kiss him, but welcomes licking. He frequently picks his nose and wipes it on things. When I tell him not to wipe his buggers on the dojo, or the sofa, or the park bench, he’ll respond: “I like buggers.” As if that is a reasonable justification for wiping them on anything he pleases.
Baby Girl is still the most smilingist (that's a word, right?) baby, but is not as happy as she once was. She’s getting frustrated that she can’t manipulate things the way she would like. I think as she becomes more mobile she will be happier. She doesn’t show any signs of crawling soon, but her fine motor skills are progressing. She can pick up small objects like a cheerio or a raisin and put them in her mouth. She LOVES eating. She eats 1-2 level 2 cartons of food at every meal. She’s only drinking 6-12 ounces of milk at day care. I worry that she’s not as smiley as she used to be because people aren’t interacting with her enough at daycare. But, then we'll have a brilliant morning cuddling in bed and I will assume again that all is right with the world.
As for me, I’m happy, I’m stressed. But, I’m feeling like I’ve come to an angle of repose about my life. It just is what it is. I’m an older parent than I thought I’d be. I don’t have a career that is as fulfilling as I’d like it to be. I wish we had a little more space in our house. But, I’m surviving. I have my two interesting, individual kids. I have good friends, I like my husband, I like where we live. I’m very happy with my body right now. I’m still not running at the same paces I used to hit, but I’ve been doing Crossfit and I have to say that I LOVE the changes I’m seeing in my body. I have abdominal definition (despite the mummy tummy). I have biceps. I weigh more than I did pre-IVF, but I am fitting into all my “skinny” clothes. I’m attributing the additional weight to the new muscles I’ve found. And, well, it's good enough. I just don't have the time or the space in my head to care more about it.
Most of all, I have faith that I will figure out a way to make more balance in our life. That I will eventually figure out a more fulfilling career. That regardless of what happens in these upcoming IVF cycles that my life will be good and I will be happy. I can only hope that I hold on to this perspective.
It seemed like nothing...taking the little pill. But, it is a step in a direction, the slow gathering of momentum before we go hurtling down the infertility rabbit hole again. I am still ambivalent. I still keep thinking and dealing with attempting for another child and all the feelings of defeat that infertility involves up on a shelf in the back of my brain. I don't want to delve too deeply into it until necessary.
Otherwise? I’m tired. This 2 parents working with 2 kids in 2 different day cares is exhausting. I hate how little time I get to spend with my kids. I have Fridays off, but I usually end up going to doctor’s appointments, running errands, doing chores,and other general life maintenance stuff since my husband doesn’t have time for any of those sort of things. I’m managing to fit in 2-4 hours a week of studying for the GREs, which I am supposed to take in early September. I’m starting teleworking this week and hope that brings some relief from our insane schedule. I am not happy being this busy. I long for the days of my maternity leave where I could plan out a nice meal every night and take time just to giggle with baby Girl. I dream about being a stay-at-home mom, but don’t know if that would bring me happiness. I think I just need to accept that life is busy, I am perpetually tired, and there isn’t enough time to enjoy the kiddos.
Nugget is changing in so many ways. I tell myself that I will be able to remember all the cute little anecdotes about him, but I worry that I won’t. He’s lately obsessed with putting on costumes. Except…he has to be fully nude before putting on a new costume. So, he’ll dress up as a pirate. Strip down naked. Dress up as a knight wearing just a sword, shield, and helmet running around the house without anything else on. I’ll often happen up him lying on the floor motionless. He’ll whisper: “I dead” as I pass him. 15 minutes later he's still just laying there. Some mornings when I go to wake him he’ll already be fully attired in his “bad guy” costume, ready for battle. His language has improved significantly. He’s start mimicking everything I say, repeating it back to me without knowing what he’s saying. “Yeah, the bill is going to be late.” Or “Yeah, the turkey’s not done.” Or other such phrases which seem too serious or inappropriate for such a small person to say. He’s also grown at least four inches. He’s become a bundle of angles. He no longer wants me to kiss him, but welcomes licking. He frequently picks his nose and wipes it on things. When I tell him not to wipe his buggers on the dojo, or the sofa, or the park bench, he’ll respond: “I like buggers.” As if that is a reasonable justification for wiping them on anything he pleases.
Baby Girl is still the most smilingist (that's a word, right?) baby, but is not as happy as she once was. She’s getting frustrated that she can’t manipulate things the way she would like. I think as she becomes more mobile she will be happier. She doesn’t show any signs of crawling soon, but her fine motor skills are progressing. She can pick up small objects like a cheerio or a raisin and put them in her mouth. She LOVES eating. She eats 1-2 level 2 cartons of food at every meal. She’s only drinking 6-12 ounces of milk at day care. I worry that she’s not as smiley as she used to be because people aren’t interacting with her enough at daycare. But, then we'll have a brilliant morning cuddling in bed and I will assume again that all is right with the world.
As for me, I’m happy, I’m stressed. But, I’m feeling like I’ve come to an angle of repose about my life. It just is what it is. I’m an older parent than I thought I’d be. I don’t have a career that is as fulfilling as I’d like it to be. I wish we had a little more space in our house. But, I’m surviving. I have my two interesting, individual kids. I have good friends, I like my husband, I like where we live. I’m very happy with my body right now. I’m still not running at the same paces I used to hit, but I’ve been doing Crossfit and I have to say that I LOVE the changes I’m seeing in my body. I have abdominal definition (despite the mummy tummy). I have biceps. I weigh more than I did pre-IVF, but I am fitting into all my “skinny” clothes. I’m attributing the additional weight to the new muscles I’ve found. And, well, it's good enough. I just don't have the time or the space in my head to care more about it.
Most of all, I have faith that I will figure out a way to make more balance in our life. That I will eventually figure out a more fulfilling career. That regardless of what happens in these upcoming IVF cycles that my life will be good and I will be happy. I can only hope that I hold on to this perspective.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Do I REALLY want to do this again?
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| A Photo from Ic.eland |
And, I've started to wean Baby Girl. It is emotional. It feels wrong. But, it is happening. I only pump one time at work, but Baby Girl is eating two times while at daycare. I still nurse her in the mornings and evenings. She refuses to eat from a bottle on the weekends, so this is hampering progress a bit. But, I'm going to only pump once a day while at work until she starts drinking from a bottle for us. Then, I'll only nurse her in the morning and the evening. And, eventually, my milk will dry up.
Today I went to my RE clinic to have bloodwork and an ultrasound. My period still hasn't come....although I haven't expected it to given that we had to use drugs to induce my period at 14 months post Nugget. My antral follicle count was 9, so it was reassuring that my numbers haven't dropped drastically in the past 14 months.
I don't know if I want to do this again. I don't know if I want a 3rd kid. I know that I don't want to have regrets about not trying for a 3rd kid. I know that I love having my two beautiful children and feel that our family is complete regardless of what happens with additional cycles. So, I think we will use the last 2 cycles that we have covered 50% by insurance and, if we don't get pregnant, reassess as to whether we would like to continue. The good news is that my husband got a job, so that takes a bit of the financial strain off. It was a little crazy to think about having to spend $15,000/cycle for IVF when my husband was out of work.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Where Have I Been?
I've been chasing butterflies in the park with my son.
I've been tapering and then running a half marathon (1:26:22 for those that care).
I've been visiting with old friends and their special babies.
I've been trying trying trying to convince my baby girl that she really likes the bottle better than the boob and failing.
I've been hoping as I tuck my little boy into bed that he'll say "Lay down to me" and sighing as I walk away because he no longer asks.
I've been trying to get myself accustomed to waking up early in the morning, putting on my make-up, and heading into the office.
I've been preparing for our big trip to Iceland (woot! woot!).
I've been feeling like a failure at work and wondering how I managed to let the past 12 years of my professional life slip away without REALLY figuring out what I want to do.
I've been studying for the GRE's and doing informational interviews with people.
I've been enjoying lots of time with my husband.
I've been so happy.
I've felt so insecure.
I've wanted to write.
I've wanted to comment on other people's blogs.
I've been trying to wrap my head around IVF again.
I've been drinking too much wine and eating too much peanut butter.
I've been cherishing my beautiful, amazing miracle baby and missing each passed day as she gets older.
I've been tapering and then running a half marathon (1:26:22 for those that care).
I've been visiting with old friends and their special babies.
I've been trying trying trying to convince my baby girl that she really likes the bottle better than the boob and failing.
I've been hoping as I tuck my little boy into bed that he'll say "Lay down to me" and sighing as I walk away because he no longer asks.
I've been trying to get myself accustomed to waking up early in the morning, putting on my make-up, and heading into the office.
I've been preparing for our big trip to Iceland (woot! woot!).
I've been feeling like a failure at work and wondering how I managed to let the past 12 years of my professional life slip away without REALLY figuring out what I want to do.
I've been studying for the GRE's and doing informational interviews with people.
I've been enjoying lots of time with my husband.
I've been so happy.
I've felt so insecure.
I've wanted to write.
I've wanted to comment on other people's blogs.
I've been trying to wrap my head around IVF again.
I've been drinking too much wine and eating too much peanut butter.
I've been cherishing my beautiful, amazing miracle baby and missing each passed day as she gets older.
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