Living and working in a place where acronyms abound, my husband came up with a new initiative and ascribed it an appropriate epitaph: Running Mama's New Life (RMNL). The goal of this initiative is to help me find myself again. Over the past several years as infertility and getting pregnant has been the primary focus of my life, I find that who I am and what I want out of life have become obsolete questions. Besides getting pregnant and having another child, I'm not sure what I want to do with my life. I don't particularly enjoy my job, even though it is an AMAZING work environment for working moms. I spent much of the past year and a half just wanting to be happy and vowing that if I ever made it out of this IF experience that I would make sure my life had meaning. So much of what I do at work feels pointless and irrelevant...but perhaps that is the knowledge workers plight. So, the RMNL initiative is supposed to help me find myself again.
Current Goals of RMNL:
--Take career aptitude test (not just my perceptions of what I want in a job, but my ACTUAL abilities) and work with career counselor about what to do with my life;
--Get back in shape (as much as possible)
--Reconnect with my friends
--Travel!!!
--Work on self presentation: grow out hair, learn how to do hair, learn how to put on make-up, pay more attention to fashion (I'm not an UN-fashionable person, but it is usually an after-thought for me. I am too busy in the morning to actually put on make-up and do my hair and I'd like to take a little more care and consideration to my appearance so I don't end up looking like a frazzled mom that walks around in yoga clothes all the time)
--Take 2nd half of photography course and save up for a new camera
I know some of these are superficial, but maybe I've watched too many HGTV shows on how changing the external can impact our self-perception.
And.....
I had my nuchal tranlucency today. Baby was ROCKING out!!! The baby was JUMPING up and down and we had a wait a few minutes for the baby to calm down before we could do measurements. My downs and trisomy risks were that of a 20-year old...but after falling on the short side of statistics for too long...I could help but feel that a 1 in 6,185 risk for downs to be...a little low for my comfort. Maybe nothing can comfort me now.
But, slowly, I am feeling hope creep in.
My mother insists that it is time that I start telling family and friends that I am pregnant. But, I am not ready. I keep pushing back the deadline...maybe now I should wait until the baby is 24 weeks (viability). She says I am being "selfish" and that I need to share this joy with others in my family. She says my family has always been there for me (really? were they? I don't remember getting much support from anyone other than my mother and father) even if they didn't call. RIGHT. I have got to promise myself that I won't use guilt to manipulate when I am a mother!
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Not Sure How to Re-engage
I would never say that I am an extroverted sort of person, but I love people, talking to people, learning about people, helping people solve their interpersonal problems. I'm the sort of person that talks to my neighbors, stops by my co-workers desk to catch up on their lives, frequently has lunch and dinner dates with girlfriends, rarely has a weekend with no plans to see friends.
Or, at least, that's the person I used to be.
Over the course of the past year, as we sunk deeper and deeper into the "IVF cave" and I felt the chasm between my struggles and those of everyone else I knew grow deeper, I stopped being sociable. We stopped making plans. I stopped returning my friends phone calls. I started closing the door to my office and stopped making eye contact with my co-workers in the hall-way.
Since we've gotten the positive pregnancy test, my husband has slowly been emerging from the "IVF cave," making plans with friends, going out of town for a bachelor weekend, and even telling people that we are pregnant. He is happy, elated that we are pregnant.
I still wake up in the morning sobbing to nightmares of miscarriages. I don't know how to re-engage with my life. I don't know how to start conversations with people that I stopped talking to last fall. I don't know how to connect with people that have not been through some sort of life harrowing, navel-gazing journey.
I am trying to reach out, but it feel awkward and uncomfortable.
Over the course of this journey, I have found that I can't really lean on most of my friends. Not that they didn't want to be supportive or didn't try, but they just said the wrong things ("you can always adopt") or didn't provide the support I needed. I find the list of people that I can depend on has winnowed down to less than a handful and, sometimes, not even they can make me feel less lonely.
I feel as if I am in a downward spiral of self-absorption and I don't know how to break myself out of the cycle.
Shouldn't I be happy? All I can do is hold my breath each time I go to the bathroom, expecting to see blood, expecting for this pregnancy to be over. Every other day I think my nausea has dissipated and think that I will miscarry at any moment. Part of me wonders if this will get better if I make it to my second trimester, but another part of me is terrified that this is my new normal: the fear and anxiety and depression and isolation will never leave me. I don't know how to pull myself out of this.
Or, at least, that's the person I used to be.
Over the course of the past year, as we sunk deeper and deeper into the "IVF cave" and I felt the chasm between my struggles and those of everyone else I knew grow deeper, I stopped being sociable. We stopped making plans. I stopped returning my friends phone calls. I started closing the door to my office and stopped making eye contact with my co-workers in the hall-way.
Since we've gotten the positive pregnancy test, my husband has slowly been emerging from the "IVF cave," making plans with friends, going out of town for a bachelor weekend, and even telling people that we are pregnant. He is happy, elated that we are pregnant.
I still wake up in the morning sobbing to nightmares of miscarriages. I don't know how to re-engage with my life. I don't know how to start conversations with people that I stopped talking to last fall. I don't know how to connect with people that have not been through some sort of life harrowing, navel-gazing journey.
I am trying to reach out, but it feel awkward and uncomfortable.
Over the course of this journey, I have found that I can't really lean on most of my friends. Not that they didn't want to be supportive or didn't try, but they just said the wrong things ("you can always adopt") or didn't provide the support I needed. I find the list of people that I can depend on has winnowed down to less than a handful and, sometimes, not even they can make me feel less lonely.
I feel as if I am in a downward spiral of self-absorption and I don't know how to break myself out of the cycle.
Shouldn't I be happy? All I can do is hold my breath each time I go to the bathroom, expecting to see blood, expecting for this pregnancy to be over. Every other day I think my nausea has dissipated and think that I will miscarry at any moment. Part of me wonders if this will get better if I make it to my second trimester, but another part of me is terrified that this is my new normal: the fear and anxiety and depression and isolation will never leave me. I don't know how to pull myself out of this.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Underwater
You remember when you were a kid and you would race your friends to see how far they could swim underwater without coming up for air?
That's kind of what it feels like I am doing now.
Desperately trying to swim as far and as fast as I can, underwater, where all is silent and safe, asking please, please let me make it...not wanting to come up for air because the spell will be broken.
Supposedly, I am 9 weeks 1 day pregnant today. I had another good ultrasound on Tuesday and am still battling nausea, which is awesome in that it provides daily reassurance that I am still pregnant. I don't go back to the doctor until June 28th, which is scaring the beejezus out of me. It seems like such a long time to wait and see if everything is progressing as hoped.
Despite warnings from my doctor, I decided to rent a heartbeat monitor (http://www.babybeat.com/) to help me get through the next couple of months until I can feel the baby move. I seem to recall this happening fairly early with my son, maybe 16 or 17 weeks?
I am still struggling with anger and bitterness, and hope that with time it will dissipate as this pregnancy becomes more real.
But, it seems every day I hear about another terrible loss, further evidence that life is not safe.
Give some love to Built in Birth Control (http://www.builtinbirthcontrol.com/), who just lost her twins at 21 weeks, again. This is her second pregnancy loss of twins. It breaks my heart.
That's kind of what it feels like I am doing now.
Desperately trying to swim as far and as fast as I can, underwater, where all is silent and safe, asking please, please let me make it...not wanting to come up for air because the spell will be broken.
Supposedly, I am 9 weeks 1 day pregnant today. I had another good ultrasound on Tuesday and am still battling nausea, which is awesome in that it provides daily reassurance that I am still pregnant. I don't go back to the doctor until June 28th, which is scaring the beejezus out of me. It seems like such a long time to wait and see if everything is progressing as hoped.
Despite warnings from my doctor, I decided to rent a heartbeat monitor (http://www.babybeat.com/) to help me get through the next couple of months until I can feel the baby move. I seem to recall this happening fairly early with my son, maybe 16 or 17 weeks?
I am still struggling with anger and bitterness, and hope that with time it will dissipate as this pregnancy becomes more real.
But, it seems every day I hear about another terrible loss, further evidence that life is not safe.
Give some love to Built in Birth Control (http://www.builtinbirthcontrol.com/), who just lost her twins at 21 weeks, again. This is her second pregnancy loss of twins. It breaks my heart.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
We have arm and leg buds
And a heartbeat of 165.
We've graduated to the OB.
Four more weeks in the first trimester, and maybe then I'll breathe a sigh of relief.
Give some support to Jennifer, she just had a devastating loss of her son Gavin at 18.5 weeks: http://doihavetobeadink.blogspot.com/
We've graduated to the OB.
Four more weeks in the first trimester, and maybe then I'll breathe a sigh of relief.
Give some support to Jennifer, she just had a devastating loss of her son Gavin at 18.5 weeks: http://doihavetobeadink.blogspot.com/
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Shh: Running
So, I got tired of being afraid...
And, after our last ultrasound, I finally got enough courage to go for a short, SLOW jog on Friday, Sunday, and Today (Tuesday). I'm not sure how far I'm running: 4-5 miles? I'm not sure how fast I'm running: 10-12 minute pace?
But, I am running. While I am doing it, I have these moments where I wonder how anyone could think that running was bad for pregnancy? I'm barely moving. Seriously, grandma could run faster.
But, then I read about fellow blogger's horrible losses and I wonder if I am being smart.
I ran through my son's pregnancy. He was fine: full term, healthy, and full of energy.
I have a tendency to think that if bad things are going to happen, my running will not be the cause of them.
So, unless my ultrasound goes awry tomorrow, the plan is to continue running every other day until my current run (4-5 miles) feels comfortable. Then, I can up my distance to 6 miles every other day for a week and then I can start running 2 days in a row for 6 miles for a week. And, then...I'll just figure it out. I ran 30-60 miles a week during my pregnancy with my son. I'd hope that I could see that kind of mileage again, but I am not going to plan on it. I'm just going to hope that I can get out there again and run and feel alive and free.
And, after our last ultrasound, I finally got enough courage to go for a short, SLOW jog on Friday, Sunday, and Today (Tuesday). I'm not sure how far I'm running: 4-5 miles? I'm not sure how fast I'm running: 10-12 minute pace?
But, I am running. While I am doing it, I have these moments where I wonder how anyone could think that running was bad for pregnancy? I'm barely moving. Seriously, grandma could run faster.
But, then I read about fellow blogger's horrible losses and I wonder if I am being smart.
I ran through my son's pregnancy. He was fine: full term, healthy, and full of energy.
I have a tendency to think that if bad things are going to happen, my running will not be the cause of them.
So, unless my ultrasound goes awry tomorrow, the plan is to continue running every other day until my current run (4-5 miles) feels comfortable. Then, I can up my distance to 6 miles every other day for a week and then I can start running 2 days in a row for 6 miles for a week. And, then...I'll just figure it out. I ran 30-60 miles a week during my pregnancy with my son. I'd hope that I could see that kind of mileage again, but I am not going to plan on it. I'm just going to hope that I can get out there again and run and feel alive and free.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
An Anniversary Surprise
Back in February on Valentine's Day, after our 4th failed cycle, we were at the bottom of our cave of doom. That weekend we didn't leave the house. I didn't shower or change my clothes for 3 days. I could barely get off the couch.
One night my husband and I were huddled in bed trying to find hope for the future. We knew we'd be doing another cycle in March or April and decided that if we got positive results on that cycle, we would do something special for our anniversary in May to celebrate rejoining the land of the living.
That weekend, my husband, ever the optimist, in the midst of some of the darkest days of our lives, made reservations at a resort in WV in hopes that we would have something to celebrate.
And, celebrate we did.
This past weekend we went to said WV resort and hiked and swam and slept and ate and ate and ate and cried and laughed and celebrated the fact that our marriage has survived 7 years now through some of the darkest days in our lives.
It was a bittersweet weekend, though, because I also learned that my sister is pregnant with twins…Remember, the one with the EXACT same diagnosis as us (diminished ovarian reserve and low morphology) on her first try ever at getting pregnant. I know that her experience is unrelated to mine, but part of me can't help but feel like her pregnancy is just a middle finger from God, life, whatever telling me that I'm the infertile, unlucky one. Of course, this is ludicrous given that I am actually pregnant. But, I can't have faith in this pregnancy. I keep expecting something to go wrong, the other shoe to drop, because it has before and why should anything be different now. I feel so terribly guilty that I can't be happy or excited for her, but at the same time I am so angry that she got to benefit from my 2.5 years of infertility hell and got her diagnosis 3.5 years earlier than I did because they had more background information and knew what to look for.
In other news, I had another ultrasound today. Baby looks good: measuring 6 weeks, 6 days (right on target). Heartbeat was 138. One more ultrasound at the clinic next week and then…I get to move to my OBGyn. I also go the clear to start running…although my husband is limiting it until we meet with the OBGyn on June 7th.
One night my husband and I were huddled in bed trying to find hope for the future. We knew we'd be doing another cycle in March or April and decided that if we got positive results on that cycle, we would do something special for our anniversary in May to celebrate rejoining the land of the living.
That weekend, my husband, ever the optimist, in the midst of some of the darkest days of our lives, made reservations at a resort in WV in hopes that we would have something to celebrate.
And, celebrate we did.
This past weekend we went to said WV resort and hiked and swam and slept and ate and ate and ate and cried and laughed and celebrated the fact that our marriage has survived 7 years now through some of the darkest days in our lives.
It was a bittersweet weekend, though, because I also learned that my sister is pregnant with twins…Remember, the one with the EXACT same diagnosis as us (diminished ovarian reserve and low morphology) on her first try ever at getting pregnant. I know that her experience is unrelated to mine, but part of me can't help but feel like her pregnancy is just a middle finger from God, life, whatever telling me that I'm the infertile, unlucky one. Of course, this is ludicrous given that I am actually pregnant. But, I can't have faith in this pregnancy. I keep expecting something to go wrong, the other shoe to drop, because it has before and why should anything be different now. I feel so terribly guilty that I can't be happy or excited for her, but at the same time I am so angry that she got to benefit from my 2.5 years of infertility hell and got her diagnosis 3.5 years earlier than I did because they had more background information and knew what to look for.
In other news, I had another ultrasound today. Baby looks good: measuring 6 weeks, 6 days (right on target). Heartbeat was 138. One more ultrasound at the clinic next week and then…I get to move to my OBGyn. I also go the clear to start running…although my husband is limiting it until we meet with the OBGyn on June 7th.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Houston, we have a heartbeat
We saw the heartbeat today in one beautiful little bean.
Thank god. Commence deep breathing.
And, now the anxiety and waiting starts again until next week.
They tell me that they don't want me to start running again until I am further along in my first trimester...but by the time I was 6 weeks pregnant with my son I was running again. I'm so conflicted about it. I want to be able to run through this pregnancy. I want to be able to run as a sign that I am not afraid anymore, that I have hope for this pregnancy...but I am also so afraid of losing this pregnancy and having my husband and family blame my running if something goes wrong.
Thank god. Commence deep breathing.
And, now the anxiety and waiting starts again until next week.
They tell me that they don't want me to start running again until I am further along in my first trimester...but by the time I was 6 weeks pregnant with my son I was running again. I'm so conflicted about it. I want to be able to run through this pregnancy. I want to be able to run as a sign that I am not afraid anymore, that I have hope for this pregnancy...but I am also so afraid of losing this pregnancy and having my husband and family blame my running if something goes wrong.
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