Still Here

I'm still freaking amazed EVERY day that we are here.

This is NOT to say that I do not have meltdowns at least three times a week where I am exhausted and don't think I can handle the lack of sleep any more. Being tired makes me cranky (er...b*tchy is a better word). Being tired makes me a bad momma to Nugget. But, I keep telling myself this will last a year to a year and a half tops. Less time than it took us to get pregnant with JuJuBean.

She's growing like a champ. Nearly 11 pounds at 8 weeks! And, occassionally giving us 5 hour stretches of sleep (knock on wood). Nugget is a rock star big brother and excellent listener (some days). I ventured out with the two of them to the Natural History Museum to see some dinosaur bones on Monday. The last time we went to that museum was right after the failed FET in Summer 2010. It was amazing to contrast my life now to then...and how much Nugget has grown and developed.

I've completed my Crossfit Foundations training. Not sure if I love it as much as running. It's hard for me to love anything as much as running. But, I am hoping it will help me whip my mushy body back into shape. Now if only I could stop gorging on chocolate and peanut butter (d@mn that stuff is good).

This Time Last Year

I am updating our photo album for the first time in nearly 8 months. In looking through the album, I am struck by how few pictures there are from Fall 2009 through Spring 2011. I sometimes look at pictures and can't place when they happened. Was that from 2010 or 2011? I remember events from Nugget's first year very clearly...but the years subsequent have been more difficult to place. It is almost as if I have some sort of amnesia for the 16 months we spent going through fertility treatments...as if I wasn't fully present in my body.

Last week, I went back and read the posts that I had written this time last year when I was in New Jersey for our fourth IVF cycle (third fresh cycle). I spent that week silent in a hotel that catered to business men in the middle of a winter snow storm leaving only for doctor's appointments and ravenous trips to Whole Foods. The cycle sucked as my cycles tend to do: only six follicles that resulted in two good looking embryos. Sitting alone in my hotel room, I had nothing to do but obsess about the cycle, our situation in life, and the hopelessness of it all.

I wrote some good sh*t. I guess I need a little melancholy to get in touch with my inner poet.

One of my favorite pieces from that period:

I feel so OUT OF PLACE. I have no friends, no colleagues, no business, no family in the region and feel as if I am conducting some sort of anthropological study of the humans here. Trying to figure out how to blend in despite feeling sorely misplaced. Which is really a larger parallel to finding my place in this fecund world where procreation is a choice not always a blessing. I miss my husband and, more than anything, I miss my little Nugget and his marker smudged palms.

While I feel less misplaced from the "fecund world," there are still moments when I feel ungrounded and realize how separate my perspective is from the majority of my peers. At the hospital with Baby Girl, the nurses kept making off-hand comments about "we'll see you next time" or "aren't you ready for a third?" Sometimes, I just smiled and nodded. Other times, I said that we had to work really hard to have our two children and the likelihood that we would be able to have a third was really slim.

With two children, I feel that my masquerade is complete; our infertility is sufficiently hidden. We have two children. Why should anyone guess that we had fertility issues? I find that I have become very private about our infertility. I don't want to offer the information. I know I shouldn't be embarrassed by it...but I am. To be honest, I've actually been avoiding returning to my running club because I'm pretty sure everyone knows why I haven't been training with them for the past two years. I just don't want to be the subject of whispers: "you know WHY she didn't run for us the past two years: she had to do IVF." As much as the judgement of others shouldn't matter and ultimately DOES NOT matter...for some reason I have become extremely paranoid about it. I know this falls into the category of "sh*t you are just going to have to SUCK UP and GET OVER." And, I know that will happen with time. I hope that will have to happen with time.

On February 2nd, 2011, while waiting for our embryologist report following retrieval, I wrote:
Dear Mr. Groundhog,
Will I get the news today that my winter is going to carry on forever? That I will never see spring. That our ability to have biological children is nill? Or, will I wake up tomorrow renewed, with hope for the future, and a chance for a child?
Please tell me, Mr. Groundhog. I can't stand the suspense. My heart is rapidly beating, I can't take a deep breath for the fear that is constricting my lungs.
********************************************************************

We were so hopeful for that cycle. After it failed, I spent the next two months on the sofa, barely breathing, never sleeping, defeated. If only I could go back in time and tell myself that I would be holding a precious Baby Girl in a year...but, had I not been through that dark period...I would not be the person I am today.

One Month!

Baby Girl turned one month old on Thursday! I wish I could say that I can't believe it has been a month...but I can....the weeks run into each other because every day is so similar. I've finally figured out a sleep situation that allows me to function as a half-intelligent human.

Nursing

Baby Girl is a CHOW HOUND! She went from 5 lbs 15 oz at birth (the 3rd percentile) to 8 lbs 10 oz at one month (the 50th percentile). Mama's milk is doing its job!! She cluster-feeds every 1-2 hours from 7:30 to 9:00 am, then eats about every 3 hours until 6 pm, and then cluster-feeds every 1-2 hours in the evening (6pm to 9 pm) and then will occasionally go 4-6 hour stretches during the night. I've been waking up with sore breasts before she wakes up during the night. I'm hopeful that the 2 6-hour stretches without feeding that we've had so far are a sign of things to come. We just started to try and introduce Baby Girl to the bottle this week. It is amazing to me that she hasn't even had ONE bottle yet. Nugget was drinking from a bottle and receiving supplements from the beginning, so I feel really lucky that breastfeeding has gone so well. Also, I have a MASSIVE breast milk collection in the freezer: 55 bags with 5-6 oz in them! I am pumping 10-15 oz of additional breast milk to store every day!

Sleeping

Generally, I've been going to bed around 10 when Baby Girl finally stops cluster feeding and/or falls asleep. Some nights are great and she'll sleep until 3:30. Other nights, she's up at 12:30, 3:30, and 7:30. We generally stay in bed until 9/10 am so that I can catch up on my ZZZZZZZZZZs. My husband has been taking Nugget to preschool, which has helped. I've been reading "12 Hours' Sleep by 12 Weeks" in hopes that I can successfully sleep train Baby Girl. I didn't have any luck with Nugget...but since everything has been different with Baby Girl, I am optimistic that this will be different as well. The only issue is that it seems like you have to pump instead of nurse to really implement sleep training. I'm ambivalent about stopping nursing. I want to sleep, but at the same time...I love the sweetness of nursing and don't want to do anything that might jeopardize this special time with my Baby Girl. I'm hoping that she'll just magically start sleeping through the night by 6 weeks and I won't have to sleep train...but I know the likelihood of that happening is near nil.

My Post Partum Body

In my last post, I mentioned that I had been lacking in motivation to exercise. Well, I've found it. Once over the amazement of going from a round tummy to a relatively flat tummy, I realized I have a LONG way to go in terms of regaining my pre-pregnancy AND pre-IVF body. I haven't seen as much progress in my ability to fit in any clothes in the past few weeks and I've decided that I'm probably going to have to exercise and be much better about my eating habits if I want to lose any weight and/or fit into my clothes anytime this year. So, I've been running consistently since 10 days post partum. My ability to run longer distances has improved...I treated myself to a 10.5 mile run yesterday...albeit at a 9 minute pace. If everything goes as planned this week, I might get in my first 50 mile week. I have a babysitter that comes 3 times during the work week so I can run outside and I have been running on the treadmill the other two days during the work week. I also signed up for Crossfit Foundations class so that I can start attending Crossfit Workouts 1-2 times a week. My plan for the next two months is to run 5-6 days a week, go to Crossfit 2 days a week, and fit in a little yoga at home. I'm hoping that is all I will need to do to lose the rest of the baby weight. I have to admit that I find my post-partum body a little depressing and am discouraged that I'm not magically thin, even though I know this is an unrealistic expectation. I guess I feel a lot of pressure to lose all the weight quickly so that if we decide to do IVF again I can start at a weight similar to my pre-pregnancy/pre-IVF weight.

Three Weeks Already?

I thought I would do weekly updates and then....my two week update kept getting later and later and whoops...now it has been three weeks since JuJu Bean was born. The first week seems to have been the halcyon days...with my productivity severely diminished since then. Last week I didn't even get through one day's list of 3 to do's. Sigh. I think my severe sleep deprivation basically sapped my will to multi-task...which was the only way I got anything done. And, I gave in. To the monotony of nursing. To the simpleness of this time. All I really have to do is feed my baby girl, eat, and sleep (and run, right???).

Nursing
Baby Girl is still an amazing eater. I rented a baby scale from our lactation consultant and seems she is getting 3-4 ounces per feeding. Plus, she is up to 8 lbs 1 oz (with clothing and diaper on). She's generally feeding every 3 hours during the day and every 3-4 hours during the night. My nipples KILLED the first week....there was toe-curling pain each time she latched on...but that has dissipated. I am pumping 3 times a day (typically around 2-3 am, 11 am, 6-8 pm) and am getting 4-5 ounces each time, for a total of 12-15 ounces extra. One whole drawer in my freezer is full of breast milk! I feel irrationally proud of myself whenever I pump a bunch of milk. Even though I could leave the storage of the milk for later, there is something reassuring about the measuring and labeling of the milk. My body is doing SOMETHING right...and maybe it would make me feel a little less guilty about stopping breastfeeding earlier to start the IVF process again if I knew that I have 1-2 months of breast milk stored. I have found that the amount of milk I store is in direct proportion to the amount of water I consume. If I drink a lot of water, than I make more milk. So, I'm trying to drink 1 16 ounce bottle of water every time I nurse.

Sleeping
I've finally transitioned from co-sleeping to putting Baby Girl in the bouncy chair and putting that in the bassinet right next to my bed. This was a HUGE step for me as I am totally paranoid about SIDS and am constantly checking her to make sure that she is breathing. I'm having a hard time falling back to sleep after her feedings, so I'm usually getting only 1.5-2.5 hours of sleep between feedings. I try to take a nap every day, but it really only happens once every two to three days in actuality. On days when I am REALLY sleep deprived, I end up being really mean to my husband because I am bitter that he's not getting up to help with the feedings (he can't though...we aren't introducing her to the bottle until she's 4 weeks old!) or because he hasn't taken ONE day off of work to help out (his excuse: I run my own company! If I take off work...I don't get paid.) I guess I could probably write a whole other post about the lack of equality in childcare...but meh. I'm too tired. (ha)


Sibling Love
Nugget is still AWESOME with Baby Girl. No proclamations of jealousy or dislike. I've enjoyed so much having more time to spend with him. He's just so funny right now. Earlier today he put on the radio to some station that was playing songs from the 1950's and he was jamming away. It was hysterical. There are times when I think I could really enjoy being a stay at home mom...and think that I might be more relaxed if I didn't have to juggle a career too. But, then I start thinking too much...about economic viability, the economy, values I want to impart on my children, my fears about something happening to my husband, etc.

My Post Partum Body

These pictures are 9, 16, and 22 days post partum. I still have the "mummy tummy" where your stomach goes out farther than your ribcage. I actually was really pleased with how I looked until I got on the scale last week and saw that I still have 3 pounds to lose to get to my pre-pregnancy weight and 7-9 pounds to lose to get to my pre-IVF weight. I also put on my "fat" jeans and they were TIGHT. My husband reminds me that at I only gave birth three weeks ago and that I might have somewhat unrealistic expectations. To be honest, this is EXACTLY where I was at this point after my son (2-3 lbs to pre-pregnancy, 7-9 lbs to pre-IVF). It actually took about 4 months to get to my pre-pregnancy weight and somewhere around 6-9 months to get to pre-IVF. But, I was running A LOT then. And, I cared. Now that I have renewed my commitment to not wear anything but sweatpants until March and not get on the scale until my fat jeans are loose....meh. What do I care? (Of course, this plan only works as long as I don't have any social engagements that require I wear something other than sweat pants.)

I went for my first run 10 days post-partum. It sucked. But, we knew that was going to happen. I ran 4 miles at a 13 minute pace. It didn't hurt in my lady parts (and I would have stopped if it did). Oddly, the only thing that REALLY hurt was my inner thigh muscles. I remember with Nugget that my ABS hurt, but I didn't have that this time. Since this first run, I estimate that I have run 7-8 more times and have been running 6 miles at about a 10 minute pace. I plan to keep running 6 miles until I can get down to an 8 minute pace and I no longer feel like the last mile is going to kill me. I've also done the elliptical for 60 minutes a couple of times and a 30-minute yoga video 5-6 times. Clearly, I haven't been keeping track of all this. I just fit it in when I can. I imagine that working out is going to get harder in the coming weeks as I don't have any family coming to town. I'm trying to find a daytime babysitter, but that's proving harder than expected!

My Mental State
I still have the "trying for a third" debate with myself about ten times a day. But, I'm too stupid tired to think about the bigger picture issues. My plan is just to make it through until Baby Girl starts sleeping more. Hopefully, that will be in another couple of months...rather than years...

I'm sorry I've been so terrible about commenting on other people's blogs. I've been too tired when nursing to multi-task and have taken my television viewing to new levels (have you seen Terms of Endearment--how did I make it through 30 years without seeing this???).

P.S. I thought I should add a caveat to this post letting you all know that I realize how petty and small some of these things are...and I totally appreciate being able to focus on such minor things. Don't think for a second that I take for granted that I have my beautiful, precious girl here. Even if I can't get ONE picture for the camera where she doesn't look like she is having a bowel movement.

Too Do

I'm a goal-oriented person. And, perhaps a little bit of a perfectionist, type-A personality type. If you've been reading this blog for a while, that's pretty clear.

I was a maniac before Baby Girl was born, running around trying to accomplish everything on my two page to-do list that magically kept expanding every time I crossed something off. I would get one thing done (buy new curtains) and suddenly two more activities appeared on the list (take down old blinds and install new curtains). Trying to complete my to-do list feels like a Sisyphean task never to be completed.

I had hoped that once Baby Girl came that the insanity would stop, but it appears to be something that I am going to have to consciously stop my brain from doing. Because I feel myself wasting this precious time being preoccupied with my to-do's. I thought I had been managing my to-do's well, only allowing myself to focus on 3 tasks each day (today for example: have coffee with a girlfriend, wrap and mail package to friend's twins for their first birthday, and order birth announcements), but that's not even half of what I tried to accomplish today. I also: got Nugget ready for school and dropped him off, went on a walk to mail said package and deposit a check to the bank, buy a new sports bra for my ever growing boobs (C-cup people! these are porn star boobs for me!), nurse every 2-3 hours, respond to blogs, clean up the house, do a load of laundry, get in my 2nd post-partum run, take a shower, do a sitz bath, eat dinner, call 2 friends that I haven't talked to since prior to Baby Girl's birth....etc., etc. I feel a lot of mom guilt because I didn't take ONE picture of Baby Girl in the past 3 days. THREE DAYS people. That's over one-third of her life. I didn't sit on the couch and just stare at her. In fact, I didn't have ONE nursing session where I wasn't doing something else.

I'm using my to do list to hide. If I am re-organizing our medicine closet or updating our photo albums for the first time in 5 months, I am not figuring out the difficult questions:

• Do we want to try for a third child? I have two more cycles of IVF covered and think that I have the emotional and physical capacity to handle the cycles given that I already have my two beautiful lovelies. This decision entails SO MUCH. WHEN do we try for a third child? Do I stop breast-feeding Baby Girl at three months to try and get my period so that I can do a cycle? Do I want to have a third child just to PROVE something? To PROVE that we conquered infertility? Could I have a career if we have three kids? Could I emotionally handle the chaos that comes with three kids? Could I give up trying for a third kid if the two cycles that we have 50% coverage with don't work? Are we getting too old (not necessarily ME, but my husband just turned 38) to have more children? Can we afford three children? Will having three children put me over the edge? Will I not be able to do the things I love if we have three children? If we don't at least TRY for three children, will I regret it? If we have to start trying immediately after Baby Girl is born, will I miss out on the joy of her early life? If I am lucky enough to get pregnant, will she not get the attention and stimulation that she needs? Will I be able to manage three children? Would I be a happier person and better mother to only two children?
• What do I want to DO with my life? Sometimes I just want to give up my career and focus on my two little lovelies and bask myself in full-time motherhood. Other times, I think I would be a better mother if I had a career that I loved or at least some intellectual outlet outside of being a mother. If my current job doesn't provide me with the fulfillment that I desire, what career would? What career or job is important enough to keep me away from my lovelies? But, then again, isn't the sheer importance of HAVING a job and bringing in an income important? Isn't it important to show my children that Mommy has a job and economic viability, too? Can I handle being a full-time mom to two children? Am I crazy to think about leaving my awesome work-life friendly job to pursue some pipe dream of what a career should provide me?
• This is it. This is my life. My one life. Possibly my last time of having a beautiful baby.I may never again get to fall asleep with a little baby nestled in my arms.

My to-do's allow me respite from these thoughts and questions for which I have no answers. I'm not even really sure how to go about figuring out the answers. I wonder: do I need to work with a counselor to talk through these issues or are they questions that I may never determine the answer to and just end up answering by default.

Sigh.

Ju Ju Bean's First Week

Baby Girl is nearly 1 week and 3 days now and I figure that I should write down some of my memories of the first week before the weeks start running into each other. I know the first week is the "honeymoon" period with the baby where they sleep all the time. Crankiness and sleeping issues will rear their heads later on...but for now, JuJuBean is an ANGEL.

Nursing

She is a wonderful nurser...I just can't get over the difference between her and my little Nugget. With Nugget, I felt like such a FAILURE at nursing. I couldn't get him to latch on. I was prepared for a similar experience with JuJuBean. I stockpiled nipple covers to help with the latch because I thought my "flat nipples" were the reason I couldn't get Nugget to latch. Turns out, Nugget just was a lazy latcher and didn't suck hard enough. I think JuJuBean could get milk out of my elbow if she wanted! This being said, my nipples hurt A LOT and lanolin and lansinoh soothie gel pads have been my best friends. I am making enough milk for her to gain 2 ounces every day AND put 5 ounces in the freezer, which is also amazing because Nugget had problems gaining weight and didn't reach his birth weight until nearly two weeks post partum. JuJuBean was at her birth weight by 6 days post partum! It's wonderful to feel like "a natural" at something after years of feeling like such a failure as a woman because I couldn't conceive the old-fashioned way (or heck, even the "high technology" way).

Sleeping

JuJuBean is sleeping in 3-4 hour stretches. I've been getting in the habit of going to bed around 8 or 8:30 after we put Nugget down and then getting up to feed her around 12 am, 3 am, and 7 am. I've been having problems falling back asleep, though, due to my overactive mind or hunger or my aching hamstrings (I need to stretch more!). But, generally, I think I eek out 4-6 hours of sleep and that appears to be enough to get by. Baby Girl is co-sleeping with us for now. Once she starts sleeping for longer increments, I'll move her over to her bassinet. There is nothing better than waking up with her snuggled in my arm.

Sibling Love

I wasn't sure what to expect from Nugget. I'd heard that there would be some behavioral issues and possibly some regression in speech and potty training. Nugget has been so wonderfully sweet with Baby Girl. He will bring her toys and binkies when she cries and seems to be so proud of her. At the park on Sunday, he took the hand of one of his playmates and dragged her over to the stroller, saying "come see my baby sister." And, he's actually had a bit of a break-through with the potty training: he's VOLUNTARILY been indicating that he needs to go "poo-poo" and been going in the toilet!

My Post Partum Body

Recovery has been much better this time, too. I had problems sitting on any surface other than one of those sexy hemorrhoid pillows the first few weeks with Nugget, but that hasn't been an issue this time. I stopped pain meds when I left the hospital and haven't needed them since. I don't go back to the OB until 6 weeks, so I guess we'll see how my level two tear is recovering (only one long running stitch). My belly is still pretty mushy, but I'm surprised how much my uterus has shrunk already. I'll have to take a picture tomorrow and post it. I haven't attempted exercise of any sort, but my muscles feel pretty tight and I'm craving some yoga and easy walking. I was chomping at the bit with Nugget to get out there and get active and lose the pregnancy weight, but I just don't have that drive this time. It's a little concerning to me that I just don't care about getting back in training shape or really any shape. Maybe this will change as I become less sleep deprived, but it just seems like it would be a huge EFFORT to get out there and I'd rather just take it easy. Plus, standing for extended periods of time isn't exactly comfortable. Every day, I vow: I will walk today or I will do a yoga video today and it hasn't happened yet. Maybe by 2 weeks post partum I will have to force myself out there. Plus, I miss my pregnant belly. I miss feeling Baby Girl move around in me...sometimes I will lay her on my belly just to feel her jerky little movements again.

My belly four days post partum:

My Mental State

In reading the literature that they gave me from the hospital, I noticed a section on post partum depression listing "crying jags for extended periods of time" as a symptom. I definitely had that with Nugget. I would lie in my bed and cry for an hour to two hours and not know why. I don't have that this time. I'm just so stinking happy. I can't count the number of times each day where I just want to BURST I am so happy. Looking at my two little people, I feel so blessed that they are here and we were able to have them. I wonder if part of my post partum depression last time was just the huge adjustment to having REAL responsibility and the burden of breastfeeding was just WAY more than I thought it would be. Since I've already made the adjustment to total lack of control of my schedule, maybe the transition wasn't as difficult this time? I was also very sleep deprived with Nugget as I would feed him every 2-3 hours and the pumping/nursing/feeding process would take 1.5 hours, so at most I would have an hour or less between feedings.

I hope I'm not painting an overly rosy picture, but everything has been so much easier than I thought it would. I love my little angel.

A Birth Story

My son's birth and subsequent weeks were difficult (you can read about the birth here and our breastfeeding journey here). Going into his pregnancy, I had hoped to go "au natural" with the help of hypnobirthing. I read several books on labor, I attending 6 weeks of birth classes, I hired a doula, I changed practices mid-way through my pregnancy to ensure that I was working with a "minimal medical intervention" midwife. I wrote a birthplan. I spent HOURS developing "the perfect" playlist for the birth experience (it was FOUR hours long!). I was READY when I went into labor. But, such as life, THINGS didn't turn out as planned and I had a miserable 32 hour labor with a midwife who kept insisting that I was going to end up with a c-section. My first memories after Nugget's birth are hazy... I never had that hallmark moment of joyous mother holding baby in her arms. Instead, I was screaming and kicking the OB that was trying to sew me up while I could feel everything she was doing. When they finally did put Nugget in my arms, I asked what was wrong with his head and made them take him away because I was in too much pain to focus on him and was afraid that I would drop him. Then, he wouldn't latch on...but honestly...after 2.5 hours in the birth canal, who could blame him if he was too tired to do anything. My conclusion based on this birth experience was that my goal for labor should be: just get the d@mn baby out of me. I didn't research labor. I didn't insist on having a certain doctor at the birth. I didn't use a doula, a midwife, or develop a birth plan. I figured I might end up with a c-section, but I just didn't care. I wanted Baby Girl to be here safe and sound and I didn't care how it happened. We called it the "un-plan plan."

So, when my water broke Monday morning while snuggling in bed with my husband, I panicked. I knew I had to deliver in a certain period of time after my water broke, but I didn't know what that timeframe was and I wasn't going to risk anything with our precious gift. Water breaking felt just as eons of women before me had described it: as if a water balloon had burst in my underwear. It was odd. I hadn't been having contractions and was busy thinking big thoughts about what I want to do with my life...what I hope to accomplish...and, of course, running through all the lists of things that I hoped to accomplish that day. As soon as it happened, I screamed "my water broke" and my husband and I both jumped out of bed and started running around trying to figure out what exactly we should be doing. I took a shower and started to blow dry my hair. My husband packed his clothes and some miscellaneous things for the hospital. In the interim, I was dripping water everywhere...running around half-naked because I didn't want to get my clothes all wet. Thankfully, my mother-in-law was in town visiting us for Christmas and she came upstairs to tell us to chill out...don't worry about the bag...and GET TO THE HOSPITAL.

We finally got to the hospital around 8:30 (it's only 10 minutes away). We checked in...got set up in our room...and finally realized that THIS WAS IT. We are at the hospital to deliver a baby. And, I proceeded to freak out about my lack of planning this time around. I felt to unprepared and at the will of medical professionals with no research to counter their suggestions. I cursed us for not taking labor more seriously...for not planning better...for not researching more. But, in the end, I was at the hospital...and it was too late. We were going to have that baby some way or another by 7 am December 27th.

At 10 am, the on-call doctor came to check my cervix. All of the doctors from my practice were out, so I was going to be delivered by a doctor I had never met before. The un-plan plan in full effect. She seemed nice enough and patiently answered any questions we had. She checked my cervix and I was surprised to learn that I was 3 cm dilated! My contractions had barely been stronger than my braxton hicks contractions that barely hurt. By contrast, it took me nearly 12 hours of HARD, terrible contractions to get to 3 cm with Nugget. They told me that they wanted me to progress to 5 cm by 1:30 pm (or 6 hours after my water broke) and, if I didn't, we'd have to talk about Pitocin.

At this point, my mother-in-law brought my son to visit me at the hospital. We walked around with him for a bit. He made sure to kill all the pirates and monsters in my room. They left and the doctor checked me again at 1:30. I was still only 3/4 cm and my contractions were just starting to be a little intense (i.e., intense enough for me to say "ouch, that hurt" while continuing to text or talk to my friends. I had another freak out about pitocin and having a c-section...and talked to one of my friends who had used pitocin for her first birth and she said that pitocin doesn't necessarily mean a c-section or a miserable birth (as that didn't happen to her). She also told me to soak in the last few hours of my pregnancy, of feeling my beautiful Baby Girl moving around in my belly, and I cried as I knew that these might be the last moments where I get to feel that amazing slow twist of my loved one in my womb. For the rest of the labor, I was very present.....feeling each contraction, tasting my anticipation, savoring what was most likely my last pregnant moments. There were many moments where I would silently cry from the emotion of it all...and the juxtaposition of December 2011 from December 2010. I couldn't believe my beautiful girl's moment was here.

As the pitocin began to kick in my contractions got stronger, moving from pain at 2-3 on a scale of 1-10 (least-->most painful) to a 6-7. The nurse kept asking if I wanted an epidural, but I wanted to feel the contractions for a while...again because I don't know that I'll ever be able to feel them again. I learned to stay ahead of the pain, to stay in control, to remind myself that the pain would last for 10-30 seconds, but not forever. I tried to rest between contractions and slow danced with my husband or swayed to the music. Around 5 pm, my fear began to take over and I couldn't manage myself through the contractions. I asked the nurse to get the anesthesiologist for the epidural. 45 minutes later the anesthesiologist finally came. At that point, the pain was very intense (an 8 on a scale of 1-10), and I was ready for relief. I also knew that I would have to fear the pain of the contractions more than the pain of the epidural to be a compliant patient and by 5 pm I had reached that point. While the epidural was being administered, I kept repeating that I was scared about having a contraction during the procedure and causing the anesthesiologist to mess up. The 3 minutes it took to put in the epidural were the scariest of my labor; the position for the epidural was extremely uncomfortable and only heightened the pain of my contractions. But, I made it through, and 15 minutes later I had sweet release. I had a self administered epidural, so they only gave me a small amount and I could increase my dose as I saw necessary during labor. Shortly after, the doctor checked my progress and said that I was 7 cm dilated. At 7 pm, the nurse said that she thought I might be ready to push, but that the doctor was busy delivering another baby so I should "hold on." The epidural was strong enough to take the edge off my contractions, but they still hurt (about a 4 on a scale of 1-10). The pain was more pressure than acute aching. So, for the next hour I focused on listening to the music and breathing down the baby while I had contractions. At 8 pm, the doctor arrived and said that it was time to push. "NO SH*T" I responded several times....I couldn't believe it...I wasn't in pain...it had only been about 12 hours...and it was TIME? Four pushes and 15 minutes later, my wonderful baby girl was born. I reached down and placed her on my chest and spent the next two hours delighting over her tiny features. It was one of the best moments in my life. She latched on IMMEDIATELY after birth...her desire to suck and survive was so strong. She's the little fighter I was meant to have.