The past few weeks have put me on the brink of sanity. I have been repeatedly sick this pregnancy, missing days and days of work, exhausted, running a fever, throwing up, etc. etc. Through into the mix a major car accident requiring that we buy a new car and the stress of wondering whether my husband was going to be out of work again due to the sequestration and life already felt barely manageable.
On Friday at the 16 week ultrasound, I waited patiently as the technician made all of her measurements, sitting in the dark and quietly let tears run down my face because it is usually in the silence of the ultrasound room that the loss of my other baby really hits me. It is the place where I learned of the baby. It is the place where I lost the baby. I always ask the technician to turn off the monitor so that I don’t have to see what remains of the second baby. I am usually too fearful to say anything. At the end of the ultrasound, I asked the technician if my cervix was closed and she said yes. That was my big concern…given that loss of a twin can result in premature birth of the other twin. I mentioned that this baby didn’t seem as active as my other children and the technician said that she could see the baby moving around. She said that I should leave the gel on my stomach as the doctor may want to look at a few things. It seemed innocuous enough, but I should have known.
The doctor came in and did some scans and then told me that she couldn’t get a good view of the baby’s feet and legs as it was in the breech position and she had some definite concerns that the baby had club feet, which is associated with a host of neurological and spinal issues, such as spina bifida, cerebral palsy, and others. I tried to process what she was saying. I tried to tell myself that this was similar to the concerns doctors expressed about the size of Nugget’s head that lead to a month of hand-wringing and crying for the last month of my pregnancy with him. I told myself that I wasn’t going to let myself think about all the horrible things this could mean for our baby boy. That night, my husband and I woke up several times crying. This pregnancy has been so rife with angst and pain and sadness that sometimes I just want to end it all so that I don’t have to live in agony like this waiting any more.
We have to wait two more weeks before we can get another ultrasound to check on baby and see if he indeed has club feet or spina bifida, or any of the other horrible things that a genetically normal baby could suffer. Each day is an eternity and I can help but feel that both of us assume that it is a foregone conclusion that this is not a healthy baby and this pregnancy is only going to end in disaster.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
What Happened
It was more than I could process and it certainly something I didn't feel comfortable processing out loud...particularly in our ALI community. I didn't want to hurt any one's feelings. I didn't want to say the terrible things I was thinking. I was scared.
When we went in for our first ultrasound, there were two sacs.
Two.
After 6 (of our 8 total) cycles of transferring 2-3 embryos....we ended up with two sacs NOW. We were bereft. Why couldn't this have happened when we were trying for #1 or #2 when I was 29/31/32? How on earth would we handle 3 kids under 19 months (or younger if they came early)? There are so many risks with twins. What would happen if there was something seriously wrong with them because they were born too early? How would we afford this? Where would we put them? We'd have to move, hire help, get a new car, etc., etc., etc. I cried for weeks.
And, then....one of them stopped progressing. We lost her. I think of the baby as my girl.
I felt relief. At first.
I refuse to accept the pregnancy. I assume it won't work out. And, when we made it to twelve weeks and got the news that the remaining fetus was a healthy boy, I cried. I've been crying off and on for the past three weeks. I am trying not to tell people that I am pregnant because this pregnancy is so twinged with pain. People expect you to be happy, excited when you tell them that you are pregnant. But, I am just sad. I feel like we pushed too much. We should have been thankful for our two beautiful children and now we are going to be punished. Something bad will happen. We were too greedy.
I am also deeply afraid that I won't be able to give my children the love and attention they deserve. I wake up in the middle of the night worrying about it. My parents, though well meaning, are deeply practical people that never paid much attention to my personality or interests. They were so overwhelmed with managing four children that they just didn't have the emotional bandwidth to really look at me as an individual. They still don't. Every year for Christmas, I get the exact same sweater or dish-dryer or vacuum or WHATEVER....because my parents can't be bothered to figure out who I am and what interests me. I don't fault them for it. But, I know that isn't the type of parent that I want to be to my children and....I feel so overwhelmed managing work and speech therapy appointments for my son and keeping up with the house and trying to plan special activities for my kids and keeping up with photo albums and doing all the things that my whiny brat self didn't think I got as a kid. How am I going to manage with three kids? Will I be able to have a career or anything for myself if my utmost value is to provide my kids with love and specialized attention?
I am sorry I left with out so much as a good bye. It was just more than I could handle.
When we went in for our first ultrasound, there were two sacs.
Two.
After 6 (of our 8 total) cycles of transferring 2-3 embryos....we ended up with two sacs NOW. We were bereft. Why couldn't this have happened when we were trying for #1 or #2 when I was 29/31/32? How on earth would we handle 3 kids under 19 months (or younger if they came early)? There are so many risks with twins. What would happen if there was something seriously wrong with them because they were born too early? How would we afford this? Where would we put them? We'd have to move, hire help, get a new car, etc., etc., etc. I cried for weeks.
And, then....one of them stopped progressing. We lost her. I think of the baby as my girl.
I felt relief. At first.
I refuse to accept the pregnancy. I assume it won't work out. And, when we made it to twelve weeks and got the news that the remaining fetus was a healthy boy, I cried. I've been crying off and on for the past three weeks. I am trying not to tell people that I am pregnant because this pregnancy is so twinged with pain. People expect you to be happy, excited when you tell them that you are pregnant. But, I am just sad. I feel like we pushed too much. We should have been thankful for our two beautiful children and now we are going to be punished. Something bad will happen. We were too greedy.
I am also deeply afraid that I won't be able to give my children the love and attention they deserve. I wake up in the middle of the night worrying about it. My parents, though well meaning, are deeply practical people that never paid much attention to my personality or interests. They were so overwhelmed with managing four children that they just didn't have the emotional bandwidth to really look at me as an individual. They still don't. Every year for Christmas, I get the exact same sweater or dish-dryer or vacuum or WHATEVER....because my parents can't be bothered to figure out who I am and what interests me. I don't fault them for it. But, I know that isn't the type of parent that I want to be to my children and....I feel so overwhelmed managing work and speech therapy appointments for my son and keeping up with the house and trying to plan special activities for my kids and keeping up with photo albums and doing all the things that my whiny brat self didn't think I got as a kid. How am I going to manage with three kids? Will I be able to have a career or anything for myself if my utmost value is to provide my kids with love and specialized attention?
I am sorry I left with out so much as a good bye. It was just more than I could handle.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Ultrasound on Wednesday
I've had two good betas since last Wednesday and the ultrasound is on Wednesday 12/5.
1st Beta (14 days post retrieval): 196
2nd Beta (16 days post retrieval): 360
3rd Beta (18 days post retrieval): 789
4th Beta (21 days post retrieval): 2231
I've been to Crossfit 2x now and went for my longest run yesterday in three months: 9 miles! I'm thinking about going to the track next week if everything continues to progress. I have never continued track workouts with my previous pregnancies, so I don't know if that is something I will be able to do. So far, my only symptoms are sore boobs and an insatiable appetite for fatty meats. I can't seem to eat enough bacon or lamb.
I haven't told my family and wasn't going to tell them until/if we reach 15/16 weeks and pending the results of any genetic testing we do. My husband thinks we should tell my parents if I make it to Christmas, as I would be 8 weeks. But, I just don't want my siblings or anyone to know until we know that this is viable...and, my mom can't keep a secret to save her life.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Beta Rising
At 16 days post ovulation, my beta today was 360. Which, according to BetaBase (we all know beta base, right?), it is a little higher than the median for a singleton. But, my betas for both my other pregnancies were also a little higher than the median, so I am trying not to think about twins.
Betas with Nugget:
1st Beta (17 days post retrieval): 632
2nd Beta (19 days post retrieval): 1139
3rd Beta (21 days post retreival): 2331
Betas with Baby Girl:
Beta #1: 866 (18 days past retrieval)
Beta #2: 1595 (20 days past retrieval)
Beta #3: 3122 (22 days past retrieval)
I've been eating bacon and eggs like they are going out of style. My boobs hurt. No bleeding/spotting. My tummy is already sticking out, but that's bloating from the progesterone or perhaps the massive amount of bacon I have been eating. I don't even want to think about what my cholesterol is like now (last time I checked it was 270). I invested in a sports bra shirt top thingy that has plenty of room in the middle so I don't have to be self-conscious when working out that everyone is going to know that I am pregnant before I want them to know. I know. Crazy. I'm WAY too confident.
Betas with Nugget:
1st Beta (17 days post retrieval): 632
2nd Beta (19 days post retrieval): 1139
3rd Beta (21 days post retreival): 2331
Betas with Baby Girl:
Beta #1: 866 (18 days past retrieval)
Beta #2: 1595 (20 days past retrieval)
Beta #3: 3122 (22 days past retrieval)
I've been eating bacon and eggs like they are going out of style. My boobs hurt. No bleeding/spotting. My tummy is already sticking out, but that's bloating from the progesterone or perhaps the massive amount of bacon I have been eating. I don't even want to think about what my cholesterol is like now (last time I checked it was 270). I invested in a sports bra shirt top thingy that has plenty of room in the middle so I don't have to be self-conscious when working out that everyone is going to know that I am pregnant before I want them to know. I know. Crazy. I'm WAY too confident.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Guilt. Elation. Fear.
I am having some strange emotions. Guilt. Elation. Fear.
Unlike the last time, I'm not angry. Only doing IVF twice.... only seeing a negative pregnancy test once is SO different. How quickly I feel I have lost the perspective we gained by having to fight for our Baby Girl. I take this pregnancy for granted. I am already running again. In fact, I ran during the two week wait several times. I'm even thinking about going to Crossfit again (haven't been since before retrieval). I've already looked up due dates (August 5th, but I am guessing that the baby will come early). I'm already assuming that everything will be OK with the baby. I'm already fearing the sleepless nights. I'm already looking at Pinterest to figure out how we will board three kids in two bedrooms. I started looking at our budget for the next year to figure out how much we could afford for a new car, as our 11 year old Toyota Highlander can't hold three car seats.
I couldn't even fathom any of these thoughts with Baby Girl until we reached viability. I was scared to death that we would lose her.
My head knows that I shouldn't be moving forward like this. And, because I can't seem to make myself exercise caution in my planning, I am scared.
Scared that I will lose this pregnancy because I took it for granted.
Scared that we were not thankful enough for the two kids without any problems that we have that the universe will equalize our luck with a third child with issues.
Scared that my precious Baby Girl will not get the attention she deserves as she has a sibling so soon.
Scared that a third child will be more than we can handle.
Scared that maybe there are twins in there and I really can't handle four kids.
Scared that I will never get my career back on track with a third child.
I know that these are petty fears and that I will rise to the challenge of whatever we must face.
But, the biggest emotion that I can't seem to shake is sadness for Baby Girl. It is an emotion I don't understand. She was our miracle. Our amazing Baby Girl with the wonderful disposition who wants nothing but to laugh and be held. Will she get the love she needs? Will she know how very amazing she is and how blessed we feel to have her? My husband even says that he hopes this pregnancy--if viable--is a boy so that our Baby Girl will be different, special. My sister always said that she was the "nothing child," the "middle child" and that she never felt special. It would break my heart if precious Baby Girl ever felt this way.
I also worry about this baby. Will he/she feel like an accessory? Nice to have, but not essential? Will I feel that way? With Baby Girl, everything was amazing. I had maternity photos taken so that I could memorialize the last time I would ever be pregnant. I poured over blogs to design the perfect nursery. I cried tears of joy while in labor, so happy to feel the contractions again. Will this pregnancy still be special to me or will I view it as "old hat?"
How can I even think these things? These are horrible thoughts. I should only be thankful. And, I am. I guess I never really processed what would happen if we actually DID get pregnant. I mean, it was hard enough at 31 or 32....why would it work 2 years later without much struggle and strife?
I am also thinking about our leftover embryos. Do I want to donate them? Could I do that? Who would I donate them to? Would I want to have an open relationship with that family or would it serve us all better for it to be anonymous?
See? Totally getting ahead of myself. I haven't even had my second beta. Someone smack me.
Unlike the last time, I'm not angry. Only doing IVF twice.... only seeing a negative pregnancy test once is SO different. How quickly I feel I have lost the perspective we gained by having to fight for our Baby Girl. I take this pregnancy for granted. I am already running again. In fact, I ran during the two week wait several times. I'm even thinking about going to Crossfit again (haven't been since before retrieval). I've already looked up due dates (August 5th, but I am guessing that the baby will come early). I'm already assuming that everything will be OK with the baby. I'm already fearing the sleepless nights. I'm already looking at Pinterest to figure out how we will board three kids in two bedrooms. I started looking at our budget for the next year to figure out how much we could afford for a new car, as our 11 year old Toyota Highlander can't hold three car seats.
I couldn't even fathom any of these thoughts with Baby Girl until we reached viability. I was scared to death that we would lose her.
My head knows that I shouldn't be moving forward like this. And, because I can't seem to make myself exercise caution in my planning, I am scared.
Scared that I will lose this pregnancy because I took it for granted.
Scared that we were not thankful enough for the two kids without any problems that we have that the universe will equalize our luck with a third child with issues.
Scared that my precious Baby Girl will not get the attention she deserves as she has a sibling so soon.
Scared that a third child will be more than we can handle.
Scared that maybe there are twins in there and I really can't handle four kids.
Scared that I will never get my career back on track with a third child.
I know that these are petty fears and that I will rise to the challenge of whatever we must face.
But, the biggest emotion that I can't seem to shake is sadness for Baby Girl. It is an emotion I don't understand. She was our miracle. Our amazing Baby Girl with the wonderful disposition who wants nothing but to laugh and be held. Will she get the love she needs? Will she know how very amazing she is and how blessed we feel to have her? My husband even says that he hopes this pregnancy--if viable--is a boy so that our Baby Girl will be different, special. My sister always said that she was the "nothing child," the "middle child" and that she never felt special. It would break my heart if precious Baby Girl ever felt this way.
I also worry about this baby. Will he/she feel like an accessory? Nice to have, but not essential? Will I feel that way? With Baby Girl, everything was amazing. I had maternity photos taken so that I could memorialize the last time I would ever be pregnant. I poured over blogs to design the perfect nursery. I cried tears of joy while in labor, so happy to feel the contractions again. Will this pregnancy still be special to me or will I view it as "old hat?"
How can I even think these things? These are horrible thoughts. I should only be thankful. And, I am. I guess I never really processed what would happen if we actually DID get pregnant. I mean, it was hard enough at 31 or 32....why would it work 2 years later without much struggle and strife?
I am also thinking about our leftover embryos. Do I want to donate them? Could I do that? Who would I donate them to? Would I want to have an open relationship with that family or would it serve us all better for it to be anonymous?
See? Totally getting ahead of myself. I haven't even had my second beta. Someone smack me.
Monday, November 26, 2012
The Post I Am Afraid to Write
I am wary of writing this post.
Because it is not fair.
Because I know it will hurt people to read.
I can’t quite believe it myself, but today I got a positive home pregnancy test. I know this is just the beginning of the journey. I need a positive beta, and doubling betas, and ultrasounds, and a beating heart, etc. But, as of this moment, I am pregnant.
****UPDATED****
Beta=196 @ 14 Days Post Retrieval
Because it is not fair.
Because I know it will hurt people to read.
I can’t quite believe it myself, but today I got a positive home pregnancy test. I know this is just the beginning of the journey. I need a positive beta, and doubling betas, and ultrasounds, and a beating heart, etc. But, as of this moment, I am pregnant.
****UPDATED****
Beta=196 @ 14 Days Post Retrieval
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Chicken
Well, I was going to test tomorrow. 13 days past retrieval....but...I'm chickening out. I don't want to ruin another lazy Sunday being sad about a cycle. So, maybe I'll test Monday? Maybe Tuesday? Any chance I could keep taking progesterone forever and just never have to deal with a negative?
Same old symptoms that everyone feels during two week wait post IVF. Breathlessness. Cramps. Lower back pain. Itchy nipples. Blah blah blah. I can hyper analyze these, but I know well enough that I've had the same symptoms when I've been pregnant as when I haven't.
Better news: Baby Girl is WALKING. Full on. Only 10 months old and she is taking up to 15 steps in a row. She's still a little shaky, but she is SO proud of herself! She starts clapping for herself before she even begins walking and has this HUGE grin on her face the entire time. I'm so excited for her to be able to keep up with her brother.
The past four days off have been wonderful. Every morning, we pull Baby Girl in bed with us to have a bottle and then eventually her big brother comes and joins us. She gets so excited when he joins us that she starts kicking her legs and jumping all around. Big Brother is not so excited and really just wants to snuggle sans baby sucking on his nose or stealing his binky.
My husband and I are at war over my son's binky. Husband thinks is WAY overdue for us to eliminate the binky. I don't see that it is necessary to have a big fight about it and assume that he will grow out of it when he is ready. Husband contends that it is impacting Nugget's speech...which very well may be true. I think this might be a battle I lose.
Off to sleep. This progesterone makes me want to sleep for 10 hours a night. I do not know why some people love this stuff (thinking of you, Tippy!).
Same old symptoms that everyone feels during two week wait post IVF. Breathlessness. Cramps. Lower back pain. Itchy nipples. Blah blah blah. I can hyper analyze these, but I know well enough that I've had the same symptoms when I've been pregnant as when I haven't.
Better news: Baby Girl is WALKING. Full on. Only 10 months old and she is taking up to 15 steps in a row. She's still a little shaky, but she is SO proud of herself! She starts clapping for herself before she even begins walking and has this HUGE grin on her face the entire time. I'm so excited for her to be able to keep up with her brother.
The past four days off have been wonderful. Every morning, we pull Baby Girl in bed with us to have a bottle and then eventually her big brother comes and joins us. She gets so excited when he joins us that she starts kicking her legs and jumping all around. Big Brother is not so excited and really just wants to snuggle sans baby sucking on his nose or stealing his binky.
My husband and I are at war over my son's binky. Husband thinks is WAY overdue for us to eliminate the binky. I don't see that it is necessary to have a big fight about it and assume that he will grow out of it when he is ready. Husband contends that it is impacting Nugget's speech...which very well may be true. I think this might be a battle I lose.
Off to sleep. This progesterone makes me want to sleep for 10 hours a night. I do not know why some people love this stuff (thinking of you, Tippy!).
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