Announcing Nugget!!

Hello!

Nugget was born Wednesday, November 5, 2008 at 7:59 AM at 6 lbs 5oz and 19.5 inches after 30 hours of labor with an Apgar scores of 8 and 9.

This moment--12:21 am--is the FIRST moment that I have had to sit in front of a computer or to myself since I last posted.

The events over the past few days have made the phrase "it takes a village to raise a child" mean more than I could have ever possibly imagined. I would not have been able to make it through this experience without my husband, my family, and some great nurses.

I am torn as to how honest I should be about his birth, but as I am a person that cannot put up a positive front for "maintaining appearances," I won't lie. It was the single most awful, painful, terrible experience of my life. I don't know that I will ever have a baby again after this experience.

*Proceed only beyond this point if you really want the nitty gritty details of a birth that was less than ideal*

After going into labor around 2:30 am on November 4th, I labored at home for a couple of hours and then went in to my midwife's office around 9 to see how far I had progressed. She found me to be only 1 cm dilated and told me to come back to the office at 3pm to see how I had progressed. I labored at home with contractions coming every 3 minutes and lasting 1-2 minutes. On a scale of 1-2 the pain was a 6. We went in to the office at 2 because the contractions were coming so frequently. The midwife did an internal exam and found that I had only dilated to 2 cm. So, I went back home again, called our doula, and labored at home until 7 pm when the contractions were coming every 1-2 minute and VERY painful. I labored at home in the shower for a while. The doula thought that I should be at least 5 cm dilated. The midwife found me to be only 3 cm dilated at 7pm after 17.5 hours of laboring. So, I labored at the hospital until 12:30 am and got another internal exam and was only 4 cm dilated. At this point, I had been laboring for 20 hours and was exhausted. The contractions were so painful that the only position that I could stand was to be on my knees lying over a birthing ball or standing. My legs were so exhausted that they quaked. The midwife, concerned about my ability to continue, put me on Nubain, a drug that was supposed to allow me to sleep and would hopefully allow me to rest for two hours. Unfortunately, Nubain just made me feel disoriented, but I still had the painful cramps and did not rest at all. After the Nubain wore off at 2:30 am, I had been in labor for 24 hours and had only progressed 5 cm. At that point, I was exhausted and unable to conceive of going through 5 more cm PLUS labor and so we decided to get an epidural. I felt like a total failure and a wimp and really beat myself up for the first day after I had him for not being able to do it naturally, but I knew that there is no way I could have done it. From 2:30 am to 5:30 am on the epidural, I progressed the final 5 cm. At 5:30 am, I started pushing. Nathan Kian was born 2.5 hours later at 7:59 am. It was the longest 2.5 hours of my life. It was 100x worse than the pain of running a marathon and much worse than the pain of contractions. I ended up having to get an episiotomy and have level 3 rectal tears. After giving birth, they laid the baby on me, but I was in too much pain and shock to even notice him. I was screaming "no more pain" and telling the doctor not to "touch a damn thing" until they got me on more pain meds. They had to wait 20 minutes for an anesthesiologist to come administer more drugs before I let them stich me up. It was an awful way to greet my son into the world. I couldn't even stand having him lying on me. I told them to take him away. After they gave me more pain meds and stitched me up, I held him for a bit, but I really didn't get to hold or see him again until 5 hours later after the drugs had worn off.

In the end, Nathan is a happy, healthy baby. No chromosomal problems, just very small. He is in the 5th percentile for his size. He is TOTALLY adorable...in my unbiased opinion. As I have time in the next few days, I will post pictures. They say that holding the baby in your arms takes away all the pain...and it does. The world melts away when I hold him. I could stare at him for hours.

We are having problems breastfeeding because he is so small that his mouth can't latch. So, I am tricking him into think that he is feeding by feeding him through a tube through a nipple guard and while sucking on a finger. I am also pumping my collustrum. Hopefully my milk will come in the next day or two. I have been trying not to feel guilty about "failing" at a natural childbirth and breastfeeding. I went to a great lactation consultant today that told me that I was doing everything perfectly, my breasts were fine, etc., but that Nathan's mouth was just too small and that he is a lazy feeder. She hopes that once I get more food in him he will get better at latching.

The other problem that I am having is that I am severely constipated and have no control of my rectal muscles and can't figure out how to go to the bathroom. My doctor never mentioned that this would be a problem and I just spent the past hour crying on the toilet because I don't know how to get the poop out other than trying to scoop it out with my finger, which is disgusting and I refuse to do. I have been taking stool softeners for the past several days, but apparently it isn't enough. I will call my doctor tomorrow, but if any of you know anyone that might have some suggestions, please let me know.