Don't get me wrong. I'm totally elated to have gotten in under 3 hours and placed in Richmond, but...
Now what?
I wish I could decide.
Do I train for another marathon? Do I try to have another kid?
This decision is complicated by our fertility issues. Hubby is supposed to be getting back his test results "any day now" so we will know whether we have to do IVF again or whether we *might* be able to conceive naturally. I guess my post-race depression is more about starting fertility treatments again. It was manageable. I can do it.
But, I am dreading it. The bloated ovaries and daily hormone shots. Having someone other than my husband shoving things up my uterus. Another clinical conception. The two week wait for the results. The fear of a negative result and thinking about having to go through all of it again. The money. The insurance fights. The feeling that my body has failed me. The jealousy of people that conceived naturally. The desire to be "normal" and "natural." The inevitable fights with my husband because I (irrationally) get angry that I am the one having to carry the burden of this.
Of course, we do have two frozen embryos, so for my first round I wouldn't have egg retrieval, which is an uncomfortable surgery.
And then there is the worry that we will get twins if we do fertility treatments again. The costs both physically and financially of doing so. Frozen embryos have a greater success rate and higher probability of twins.
I hate this waiting. I like decisions and life to be in neat little boxes with bows. Not nebulous and unanswered.
Oh sad. :( A friend from law school did IVF with their first. Had tried conceiving two years and doctors said they would never conceive naturally. So... they didn't use birth control and low and behold, she just had their second. I think tests can only go so far. Sometimes we need to make room in our life for miracles because they DO happen. :)
ReplyDeleteGood luck trying to decide what to do next. It's such a huge step and even more so when you have to do hormone shots, tests, etc.
Good luck with whatever is next on your horizon. Sorry to hear that you might have to go through IVF again. Baby making business is definitely not always easy!
ReplyDeleteI have no great advice (wish I did) but good luck making your decision. I was very lucky in that progesterone kick started things for me with Zach but there's no guarantee that will work for me for the second one so sometimes I worry that David and I need to get started but then at the same time I'm just not ready yet. I hope everything works out, because like you, I want everything in nice little boxes and hate being in limbo so I totally understand your frustration.
ReplyDeleteWhat about something like train for another marathon and have sex when you want and if it happens it's a happy surprise. And if it doesn't you get to kick more marathon ass. And then afterwards pursue ivf if you didn't get knocked up the "natural" way. You're young, healthy and have lots of child-bearing and marathon-running years ahead. I hope you find some peace so you're able to enjoy them to there fullest! I struggle with wanting to force my life into some box or another, but sometimes it's just a lot happier to let go and let it all pan out and deal with things as they come. I know. I know. So much easier said than done!
ReplyDeleteOooo.... I like what Salty One said. :)
ReplyDeleteI agree with Salty One. You are still fairly young and you could still wait a bit before your kids would be far apart. Maybe you'd get lucky.
ReplyDeleteWe didn't have to do IVF, but we had difficulty conceiving and we lost three, so you have my sympathy. It's a road I'm happy I'm done with.
Hope a nice, neat answer comes to you sooner rather than later. {{{HUGS}}}
MCM Mama
OK, so I am an idiot and can't find the playlist. You put in the comments, right? I never got an email about it. Hmm....
ReplyDeleteAnd sorry to hear you're about to possibly deal with the baby woes. You never know! It might work out, so try and stay positive! I'll keep my fingers crossed for the test results!!!
a friend had IVF for her first (something like 14 embryos and 4 tries to get one kid) so they started again for #2 when #1 was 8 months old and...bam. she's in her 2nd trimester. there's no use betting on one outcome or another or the length of time it'll take. but yeah, i hate not knowing too. or maybe not deciding. but either way, in betweens SUCK.
ReplyDeleteI think Salty One has a good take on all of this too.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking about training for a spring race but would likely drop it if I got pregnant. We go back and forth about timing but it's getting to the point where planning a pregnancy around vacation time seems a little ridiculous...especially when we could go either way and be very happy.
that is tough. Hmm. Make a plan pretending everything will go to plan? It's a good thing you had an awesome marathon. wish I nailed my training and did that too!
ReplyDelete